Advice needed: Husband is Uncomfortable with Lifestyle

[itsus020405 15]

My husband and I have not done a lot in the lifestyle due to not really knowing anyone in the area.

About 3 years ago my husband watched me have sex with a man and loved it. He has talked about wanting to do it again for the past 2 years. Well last night I was with a man (with my husband knowing and wanting it to happen as bad as I did) but today he tells me he is not sure if he is comfortable with the lifestyle anymore. He said it turns him on and loves the idea but is not sure about it anymore. I love my husband and wouldn't do anything to hurt our marriage. I told him in the beginning he needed to be comfortable with the lifestyle or we could not go further into it. I guess my problem is I love it and its something I enjoy very much. How do we meet in the middle on this situation? Could it be because he was not around? Also I did not have intercourse with the guy last night it was all just oral between him and I.

[Alura 2,775]

It's not unusual for a husband to urge his wife into the lifestyle only to be uncomfortable when she enjoys it at least as much as he, if not more! Time, and perhaps a more level playing field, often helps this problem.

 

It may well be that his discomfort is because he wasn't there. Perhaps it would help if y'all found a nice couple with whom to experiment. You would both be there and neither would feel left out.

 

Good luck, and please keep us informed as y'all sort through this bump in the road to swinging.

 

Alura

[Tina and Bob 236]

Hello itsus, I am Tina. Is there a reason your husband was not present? Do you have rules set up? How well do you know the person you only had oral with? Who arranged for the get together? Do you think your husband has doubts about only doing oral? Did you both get naked or was it a pull out his cock and you pull down your panties? Where did this happen, his place, a hotel? So you've only had intercourse with one other man and then oral yesterday, and you love it? HMMM?

As others will tell you open and honest communication is the key. Your husband says "he's not sure if he's comfortable with the lifestyle anymore." So you need and sit down and discuss what he's really feeling. Insecurity and jealousy possibly. Looks like this has been a one way deal, you play and he watches or you play alone. Does he get to play? Does he want to play or just watch or just be told of your experiences? Typically story telling is followed by passionate sex between the two of you. Is that happening? How often are you two having sex? Does he perform oral on you and vice versa? BTW if I wasn't there I'd have trouble believing it was just oral; I know I would want more. However, I do think if you communicate you may be able to find a happy medium.

 

"I love my husband and wouldn't do anything to hurt our marriage. I told him in the beginning he needed to be comfortable with the lifestyle or we could not go further into it."

 

But if after you talk he is still uncomfortable, than you need to stop. You may want to start with him reading your post here. Good luck.

[itsus020405 15]

Hello Tina and Bob

 

Is there a reason your husband was not present?

Yes my husband is away for training that is why he was not present last night.

Do you have rules set up?

Yes we have rules set up and very clear for us both and the person I was with.

How well do you know the person you only had oral with?

we know him pretty well. actually a friend we have known for a while.

Who arranged for the get together?

it was both my husband and I making the arrangements.

Do you think your husband has doubts about only doing oral?

No not at all he knew that is all it would be because I had surgery a couple months ago and was not able to have intercourse as of yet

Did you both get naked or was it a pull out his cock and you pull down your panties?

we were both naked

Where did this happen, his place, a hotel?

My place since we have known this guy for a while and he has been over with my husband here as well.

So you've only had intercourse with one other man and then oral yesterday, and you love it?

No we have done full swap in same room before and stuff like that. We have had a single female with us and other stuff. Its just the situation this time that is bothering me.

Does he get to play?

Yes he has gotten to play alone and with me.

Does he want to play or just watch or just be told of your experiences? This time it was just wanting to be told about what happened. He said he would rather watch or listen than to join. He says its a great turn on for him to hear or see me be pleasured.

Typically story telling is followed by passionate sex between the two of you. Is that happening?

Yes when he is home we do.

How often are you two having sex?

Before he left a couple months ago for training we were having sex almost everyday. Him and I have a great sex life we just wanted to spice it up some. Plus it was a fantasy of ours for me to be with another man while he either joined, watched, listened or was told about it in detail.

Does he perform oral on you and vice versa?

No he does not do oral on me but I do it him. There are some reasons he doesnt and it has to do with his ex wife.

BTW if I wasn't there I'd have trouble believing it was just oral;

I can understand but my husband also knows I would not lie to him. Yes I wanted more to but as I said I am not able to have intercourse due to my surgery I had right after he left until July 1.

However, I do think if you communicate you may be able to find a happy medium.

I am hoping you are right, we do have great communication its just hard right now because our time to talk on the phone is very limited. We talk via text and yahoo chat more.

 

"I love my husband and wouldn't do anything to hurt our marriage. I told him in the beginning he needed to be comfortable with the lifestyle or we could not go further into it."

 

But if after you talk he is still uncomfortable, than you need to stop.

Yes I know and I am willing to stop if he really doesnt want to go any further.

Thank you for the advice. I just wanted someone else's point of view on this. Him and I are going to have a heart to heart talk when he does get home. We have talked about this for a while and both wanted it. I really need to find out what he isnt comfortable with and why.

[a_d_xxx 663]

I can probably see where he's coming from.

 

3 years ago you had an experience that he participated in (he was in the same room and watched). Since then it has fuelled a fantasy which he fully wished to see re-occur. But when it actually happened, the reality of the event has left him with doubts.

 

I could see same room cuckolding/voyeurism encounter of 3 years ago being emotionally very different from the 'hotwife' scenario that occurred this time.

 

It could be that being remote to the encounter is having a negative effect on his feelings. Perhaps the reality of this time was completely different than the fantasy he envisioned. Maybe he's feeling jealous or insecure and being away made these feelings worse. Maybe he felt the same way the last time, but being there, with you, made all the difference in his ability to deal with it.

 

So, I would agree, communicate with him. Find out what made this encounter feel different than the one 3 years ago. And what does "not comfortable with the lifestyle" actually mean.

 

Maybe you two just took a step that was a little to far this time.

 

D

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

You need to find out what he is uncomfortable with now. We can guess and give advice based on guesses, but in the end only he knows what the issue is. It may or may not be something you two can overcome or find a compromise on. Until you know that, I am not sure what to tell you.

 

As it usually does in the lifestyle, this one comes back to communication. Talk to him and figure out what has changed. If you still want to after than, come back and tell us more and maybe we can give better advice.

[LFM2 1,482]

It's not unusual for a husband to urge his wife into the lifestyle only to be uncomfortable when she enjoys it at least as much as he, if not more! Time, and perhaps a more level playing field, often helps this problem.

 

It may well be that his discomfort is because he wasn't there. Perhaps it would help if y'all found a nice couple with whom to experiment. You would both be there and neither would feel left out.

 

Good luck, and please keep us informed as y'all sort through this bump in the road to swinging.

 

Alura

 

I agree with Alura here. Sometimes the fantasy is much more erotic, sexy and more fun than what we do in real life and see with a different set of eyes.

 

I also wonder what would happen and what your husband would think if there was a couple involved instead of just another man.

 

I wish you all the luck in solving this. If a couple won't do and a single male won't do anymore, I think a wise choice would be to just quit. I'd do that for my husband if he wanted to quit and vice-versa. It's just one of those things I can leave behind for my spouse.

[itsus020405 15]

Had a talk with my hubby tonight. He told me it's not that he is uncomfortable with the lifestyle, he is just afraid he might try and go farther that what I want. I can respect that.

So we have decided to take things slow and go over things again to make sure he really understands my boundaries and I understand his.

He said he was fine with not being there last night. It just excited him so much he was thinking of more things he would like for me to do and he knew it was something I wouldn't do and it scared him some.

One thing everyone needs to understand is before he met me he lived what i call a very sheltered life. He had never had the chance to be with anyone other than the person he was with at the time. Once we got together I opened his eyes to a whole new world. It took him a few years to really open them all the way to see what was out there.

But as everyone suggested, if he really doesn't want to do it anymore then thats fine I can respect it and would stop for him.