If you aren't a newbie, what are you?

[OhioCouple 40]

When I see the word 'newbie' (which is how I still refer to us) it let's me know to proceed lightly. I am very intimidated by those that refer to themselves as 'seasoned or experienced' swingers and perhaps some of you that consider yourself as such can help me view it in a different light. I am less likely to want to meet with someone that says they are 'seasoned or experienced'.

 

 

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

While I can't say I consider myself a newbie, simply on the basis that I've been swinging for over 5 years. I wouldn't really say I'm seasoned or experienced either.... at least not in the terms you are referring to.

 

Have I had a lot of experience in swinging? Yes. Have I met a lot of people in the lifestyle? Yes. Have I had sex with a lot of people? Yes (both in and out of the lifestyle).

 

I think you have to look at it as there are more than just two stages. It's not just newbie or experienced. There are many different levels of experience, just as there are many different types of swingers. It seems to me like when you think of experienced you are thinking "bed post notchers" or people who swing every weekend, but that's not necessarily the case.

[Roxysbayou 20]

I agree with Julie. Although I have been into the lifestyle for a while and met a number of people, i don't think that I have experienced enough to be considered seasoned. Especially after spending so much time reading this board. There are so many things that I have not tried yet, and I don't know if I ever actually will.

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

It seems to me like when you think of experienced you are thinking "bed post notchers" or people who swing every weekend, but that's not necessarily the case.

While I know they are just words, you are right. I do view those that I have seen as 'bed post notchers' or just plain unconcerned about who they have sex with, as long as they are having sex.

 

Our first couple had three years of dabbling in the lifestyle and they were a great first introduction into it for us. We had no idea at the time how much experience they had, and they had no clue that we had never swung before until right before hand. This is why I relay to others to be up front and honest if they are new. While we never lied about it, the topic never came up and we had done a pretty good job of 'playing along' (for lack of better words) as we didn't want to appear 'new'. After spending the better part of the day together, having lunch and touring local museums, the female half asked me the *dreaded* question. Of course, I told the truth. While they didn't run from us, it was apparent that they weren't sure how to proceed. I feel as though we put them on the spot and I regret that.

[Ashley 22]

I consider my boyfriend L a seasoned swinger but I don't think it's about how many women he can bed. He loves the social aspect and the sensuality of the experiences over the sex per se. He doesn't even ejaculate, he has learned the tantra non-ej orgasms.

 

Having said that, he hasn't any patience with people who are unsure about what they want. If they are tentative or just curious, he is ready to move on. He'd prefer they have their first experiences with someone else. We seem to have better experiences with people who consider themselves "seasoned swingers".

[keila 17]

I am definitely a "newbie" to the lifestyle (I had my first couple experience recently).

 

On the other hand I had my first male sexual encounter when I was very young, (12 with my older brother's best friend), and my first female encounter when I was 14 (with my older sister's best friend). I have always been comfortable with my sexuality and about experimenting with sex. What can I say I enjoy sex.

 

Now I've been poking around on the board and I see the words "newbie, seasoned, and experienced" used to describe each other and I'm just wondering, what these words are describing?

 

How long has someone been swinging? or How long has someone been experimenting (for lack of a better term)?

 

Like I mentioned I'm new to the lifestyle and just trying to understand the terminology.

 

Thanks for your patients,

Keila

 

One more thing, someone told me only couples are considered swingers is this correct?

[TNT 1,155]

Hmmm, I don’t consider Ted and I “newbies”. Seasoned or experienced? Well, we do have experience (more than most here on the board, less than some), but I really consider us more as “comfortable swingers”. We don’t have the anxiety/fear that a “newbie” has, and we definitely don’t know everything there is to know about swinging, but we are confident enough with ourselves and our relationship that swinging has become a very “comfortable” part of our lives.

 

Ted and I had the opportunity to meet the club owners of a very high profile club in Phoenix, Arizona last summer . While talking to them they asked us how long we had been in the lifestyle. Once we told them, they were both amazed as they had thought we had been in for a lot longer. We felt this was a high compliment to our relationship and us and thought, shoot, we must be doing something right, lol.

 

We do feel that our success in swinging comes from the fact that we are close enough in distance to visit the best swingers club in the south and that the owners were kind enough and thoughtful enough to take the time when we were “newbies” to share with us their knowledge of the lifestyle, which in turn we have tried to do with others to the best of our ability.

 

I’m sure there will come a time when others, as well as ourselves, consider us “seasoned/experienced” swingers. Right now though I think we will stick with “comfortable”.

 

Teresa

[Brit_Pair 62]

We know enough to know that we don't know enough.

[OhioCouple 40]

I like the terminology of 'comfortable'. Alas, we are still 'newbies' though....

[naughty A 23]

Yes I do consider myself/ourselves experienced ... after 7 or 8 years...I've tried most of the things I wanted to try... I know what I want and what I don't ... but not SEASONED! do people actually say that?

 

I use the term "selective"... to me it means while I have not had a really large number of partners in 8 years the ones that I have are mostly friends. It also refers to the way we are looking for partners now... I'm not going to fall into bed with the first half way acceptable couple I meet. I am experienced... but don't refer to myself that way.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If you aren't a newbie anymore what are you? Does "experienced" carry a negative connotation?

[Hot Raleigh Cpl 164]

We think of ourselves as experienced swingers, because we've been active for years. We don't think of ourselves as bedpost notchers.

 

If "experienced" has a negative connotation to other swingers, we'll need to come up with some other descriptor. Any recommendations?

[Bama0468 93]

Well While I don't feel I am a newbie, nor do I feel I am seasoned or experienced, I simply am. we don't catagorize in that way we let folks know we been at it off and on for 10 years. During that 10 years we have grown, progressed, Evolved if you will.

 

as for the couples only being swingers... thats near a 1000 dollar question the nick name given singles that I have heard batted around and even used myself was swingles.

[two42lovers 273]

Does "experienced" carry a negative connotation?

 

A very interesting question. Reading through the answers in this thread, and many other similar discussions, we'd have to say yes. There is a significant segment who disparage people for having "too many" partners. (Too many for them.) They use pejoratives like "post notcher" and "bed hopper". The suggestion is an active swinger is not selective.

 

It is judgmental, it is a put down, and it is intended put the speaker in a more favorable light as compared to the person they disparage ("I'm not like her. I'm selective and only play with friends. She plays every weekend! What a tramp!") Coming up with a new word isn't going to change how people feel or act.

 

...just plain unconcerned about who they have sex with...

...I'm not going to fall into bed with the first half way acceptable couple I meet...

 

Just wondering, do you meet a lot of these "unconcerned" and "fall into bed" kind of people? We are pretty active in the lifestyle, but we haven't encountered many. (Just because they want to play with more people than you doesn't mean they will play with anybody.) Is being an experienced swinger bad? We don't think so. Nothing is absolute, but newer swingers are more likely to have issues, insecurities, not know what they want, etc. Experienced swingers tend to be the opposite. We've been in the lifestyle since Oct 06 (not yet two years) and we'd say we're experienced. To those who are repulsed by active swingers, guess we're just not your cup of tea.

[good times 991]

We have actually been running into the "negative connotations" perceived by others a quite a bit lately. In fact, the last time we were at the club we were talking to a couple we were interested in and they told us they would only play with newbies, because they felt it was too risky to play with experienced swingers who had lots of previous play partners. Guess that leaves us out.

 

While we are very discriminate in picking our play partners, we have played with a fair number of people. I can't really hold it against these folks as we also know some folks that will "do anybody" that we wouldn't play with for similar reasons. But the fact is, it won't be long and these people will be experienced too, I wonder if they will still only play with newbies then?

[Pepper & Drew 384]

I'll go out on a limb here: we're experienced swingers. So there. If some don't want to play with us because they perceive that we're bed-notchers just because we've been in the lifestyle in some capacity for 5 years now, well, I reckon we won't be playing.

 

Really, we can't win for losing. Some people have said we're not "real" swingers because most of the time, we just go to the socials to meet people, dance and have a good time...not necessarily to hook up. Then, because we've been in for a while, we're now looked upon negatively?

 

Oh, and what's the matter with being seasoned? No one's complained about a little Pepper yet....

 

Pepper

[socolais 696]

I think negative and positive perceptions about experienced swingers tend to balance over a large population or time. "Newbies" can at times, have just as negative or positive emotions about them, depending on the context.

 

We've had about a dozen swinging adventures since we started almost a year ago. We looked for experienced swingers to play with. Since we were the only newbies in the pile, we felt confident that any drama that developed in the playtime would be comming from us. We felt we had a decent handle on our drama throttle and that meant drama was unlikely for the evening. We felt comfortable with the several couples with 10 years or more in the lifestyle. That level of experience with an activity and still having a zest for new opportunities, surely says something positive about the way they think and act. They won our trust quickly. We could see compassion in their eyes - for each other and for us.

 

We do not persue newbies to swing with - I think I have a low tolerance for drama and I see them as high risk for that. I enjoy meeting them at houseparties and talking a little with them. We'll flirt and grope in the hot tub if they are interested but we would be very unlikely to play with them at the first meeting.

 

We're still exploring the options within swinging, so I feel comfortable considering ourselves beginners until we've run through the menu a couple of times. Perhaps after that, we can enjoy helping a newbie couple find a fun path for themselves.

 

I should also say that all but one of the newbie couples we've encountered so far, have been below our prefered age group (close to the age of our kids).

[nwincouple17154 32]

This is a very interesting question. We over the years have heard the negatives associated with the labels: "experienced" , "seasoned" and even "newbies"

 

I'm not sure why we feel a need to label each other but I guess it's a way of talking about our level of experience. For swingers in gerneral maybe we need a color scale or something better to work from to give others our level of experience or our preferences in the lifestyle. Green for instance being new, blue being less than 5 years in the lifestyle, yellow more than 5, etc. Something that hasn't come to mean something bad.

 

For us personally I would have to say we are experienced and seasoned, but we're so much more than what those labels say we are.

 

We are very selective, very secure, we spend a great deal of time talking with and helping new couples find their way. We run a swing club, so the opportunity to socialize with like minded people is always there, but the opportunity to play rarely exists, which is why we are pretty selective in our choices. We don't have the social hang ups or insecurities sometimes associated with "newbies". We also aren't bed jumpers, we are those people who like to make friends first, or at least know something about those we choose to have sex with.

 

So I guess instead of using the terms "seasoned" or " experienced" I will label us Educated Open Minded Secure Swingers.

 

Trish

[BiloxiCouple 695]

I'm 18 with 28 years of experience.

 

Even "experienced" NASA screws up.

[SexyRedmondCpl 128]

the fact is, it won't be long and these people will be experienced too, I wonder if they will still only play with newbies then?

 

It's funny, but as I was reading this, I was thinking exactly the same thing.

Lea and I entered the lifestyle to experience a variety of partners. Although, as with most responses here, it isn't as though we swing indiscriminantly.

 

On a side note, that last statement just conjured up a piñata image that I wish I'd had during the t-shirt contest

 

Given what I see as the theoretical basis for the existence of the lifestyle in the first place, I find it hard to believe that anyone would take the view that those who have had a variety of partners are too experienced. But maybe that's just my perception as a "newbie."

 

We do not persue newbies to swing with - I think I have a low tolerance for drama and I see them as high risk for that.

 

On the other side of the coin, there's this. The "lowly newbie" issue in particular isn't a whole lot different, in my opinion, than highschool - the whole "lowly freshman" thing. I don't know anyone who was just born an experienced swinger, so you were all there once. How would you get to be experienced if no one would help guide you?

 

I certainly can respect that those new to the lifestyle are more likely to not yet know where their limits are and are, therefore, subject to higher rates of drama. But, you know, I've seen just as many "experienced swingers" in tears in a club due to a lack of maintanence of those limits. And sometimes drama just happens.

 

I guess I'd say that we avoid couples who seem too set on having exactly the "right" amount of experience in a partner. If you ask how long we've been in the lifestyle and there's a wrong answer, you're probably not for us. We're in the lifestyle for finding our sexual selves not playing "guess the number."

 

~Lea's Mike

[two42lovers 273]

I've seen just as many "experienced swingers" in tears in a club due to a lack of maintenance of those limits. And sometimes drama just happens.

 

Not really disagreeing (after all, it's what you have seen) but "just as many"? How did you know these "experienced" couples actually were experienced? (Are you sure you know?) Guess we should ask what you mean by experienced? (25 swings? 50 swings? 100 swings? How many years of playing? It's hard to quantify or know where to draw the line. Not sure how you'd know such things about other couples...)

 

Usually (what we've seen is) as a couple gains experience, the rules start to lighten up. They tend to eliminate the control my partner so I don't get jealous rules and mostly only keep the sexual preference rules. Of course, this thread isn't about newbee issues, and plenty of new-to-swinging couples never make "control my partner" rules. Nothing is absolute. Plenty of newbees that we've played with were non-jealous, confident, and knew what they wanted right out of the gate.

 

I find it hard to believe that anyone would take the view that those who have had a variety of partners are too experienced.

 

But many do say it in their profiles. The random slams against bed hoppers and post notchers are as ubiquitous as no drama and drug and disease free. Perhaps a lot of these profiles are people who are relatively inexperienced? There is an old saying, if a profile has "NO DRAMA" written in several places, it is likely the couple is themselves full of drama... It's always ironic to see people spending time and space in their profile to write to people they don't want to hear from. Do they think someone will read that in their profile and say, "rats! I was gonna write them, but they don't want any drama. Since I'm full of drama, I'd better not write."

[havefuninsun 122]

We're not newbies, but we don't have a ton of experiences, either. I think we're teenagers. We feel like we know what we're doing; we know how to treat folks with respect and enjoy meeting friends.

 

As Pepper says, it's a true catch-22...

[SexyRedmondCpl 128]

How did you know these "experienced" couples actually were experienced? Not sure how you'd know such things about other couples...

 

I didn't mean that to be a challenge. The club we attend is very small, and most everyone knows most everyone else. It's almost more a social club than anything (well... except upstairs ) In fact, the only 2 times I've ever seen anyone outwardly dramatic at the club (can't say as to how many took it home and had their drama there) they were both experienced couples. Now, I agree that it's hard to find a good metric for experience, but the drama came from two couples with ~3 year and ~7 years respectively in the lifestyle. I know from observation that they played with others regularly, so those particular night's experiences were not variables. How often they went, I can't say for certain, but they were there every time we were (so at least once a month for as long as we've been going). Does that make them experienced? I don't know.

 

Who's to even say that the drama was anything related to swinging. Particularly tense times at home (money issues, health problems, etc...) can spill over. And while I realize that my initial statement made it sound like it came from boundry issues, you're right... I just don't know.

 

I really didn't mean to cause anyone grief so, if that was in fact the case, mea culpa. My point was, and is, that the implied sentiment, "newbies cause drama," is - at least in my view - slightly overbroad. Jealous, dramatic people cause drama. Period. As you said...

 

Nothing is absolute. Plenty of newbees that we've played with were non-jealous, confident, and knew what they wanted right out of the gate.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

But the fact is, it won't be long and these people will be experienced too, I wonder if they will still only play with newbies then?

 

Either that or they have to give up swinging because they've gotten "enough experience".

[Malachista 170]

I guess the question should not be if they still only play with newbies, but if the newbies still want to play with them?!?

[sweet_tna 680]

Again with the hair splitting . . . I'm with Havefuninsun. I like the idea of being "teenagers", since we're basically making up for lost time--doing the naughty stuff that never occurred to me in high school. But if folks turn us down for being ANY reason, be it our level of experience, my hair color or Mr. Sweet's height, it's their loss.

 

=)

[lustylearning 705]

Sigh... If "experienced" is unpalatable, how about "seasoned"? There is a barrier that is crossed by newbies - it happens at different times for different couples, but there's a definite line. I can't quite define it... not enough experience to never be surprised, but enough to communicate and deal with it and move forward. At some point, a couple gets on the same page and flips together - no matter how much or often they play, they move forward as a unit. It's sexy - maybe not in a "wow, that was brand new" sort of way, but in a certain, confident, sure-footed manner. I remember seeing it in a couple we were with when we were new... "You sure you want to leave?" she asked, as she peeled off my dress. "You sure you wouldn't rather stay here and fuck?"

[Tia Vampire 167]

We've been in the ls for almost 2 years now and we consider ourselves as newbies and will continue to think this way even if we are in the ls for 10 years or more, that is if we are still moving at the paste we move in because we do not always play or the attraction is not there so we do not play much. I'm not complaining at all. I like the way we try to figure people out and not just jump on a person because they are attractive. We try to get to know people first.

[Bama0468 93]

Each date you go on whether you play or not teaches you something and gains you experience... what to ask, look for, or do the next time around.

 

Let's face it, there really isn't a book of how to's or anything, except for maybe here over the last 10 years.

[Kentucky 15]

Labels are useless. If we like you and find you sexy, we're going to be ready to play. And if we like you, we'll probably find you sexy.

[propict8kr 15]

we are definetely newbies...and i can agree that i would be intimated by anyone "seasoned"..the word kind of sounds gross in reference to..ahaha

[WesternSwing 504]

we are definetely newbies...and i can agree that i would be intimated by anyone "seasoned"..the word kind of sounds gross in reference to..ahaha

Yeah, the next thing you know you'll be "tenderized".

[Bama0468 93]

Well lets see, at what point does one cease being a newbie? is it in number of playmates had? Number of years in the LS? ( I know some hate the term Lifestyle but look at it like a short hand or a handle )

 

Lets face it I had to sit here and think and count to get a # and I can still use only my fingers, am I less experienced because I kept playmates I liked around? or does the fact I have been involved to a degree 10 years count for anything?

 

I think its more a fact of you have some experience or you have none, you can call yourselves what you like, but in the end it does boil down to just that, after all once you have had your first experience you now have some experience and can no long say you have none.

[Chris&Amelia 253]

I consider ourselves "Newbie Veterans" or maybe "Veteran Newbies".

 

We started this back a while ago... but for several reasons took a rather long hiatus. But we're back in action now.

 

But due to the long layover in vanilla-land, when we got back into playing, everything seemed new again. We found ourselves learning all over again.

 

But I'm with Havefuninsun and Sweet on this one. Neither one of us were in the "popular crowd" during our younger years. We didn't reach our sexual awakening until we were adults. And we didn't start swinging until we were well into adulthood.

 

Frankly, I find this to be a more then adequate situation. We're making up for "lost time" with a vengeance.