Fantasy vs Reality

[MrMrsSmith 20]

I have another question for everyone. Again, for those who have not read our other posts we are not yet swingers, but we are taking our time and putting serious thought into joining the lifestyle. I am sure that everyone has had the experience of wanting something really bad only to be disappointed once you received it. Maybe it wasn't quite what you thought or, better yet, maybe it was exactly what you thought, but perhaps you didn't really know what you wanted to begin with. Before I ask the question I need to share a little about how I feel about my wife in order to set the proper context, and before I do that let me just preface everything with the simple fact that I love my wife for infinite non-carnal reasons.

 

She is an extremely sexual person. She knows exactly how to please me and she knows exactly how to please herself - and she is not afraid to. She has a great libido, she is orgasmicly gifted and is sexually adventurous. We are 34 and have been together for our entire adult life and I cannot possibly express how much she still turns me on. My blood has already started to rush just typing this out.

 

I have always had the fantasy of having an MFM with my wife and another guy. I want the two of us to give her so much sexual pleasure that she can barely take it. We have simulated DP with vibrators and its great, but a vibrator does not provide an extra set of hands to fondle and explore, an extra mouth to kiss, lick, suck, bite and nibble, an extra set of arms to pick her up, etc, etc - you get the point. Furthermore, I want to be one of three or four guys gang-banging her into sexual bliss.

 

I get off so much from my wife's sexual pleasure. Another fantasy of mine is just simply watching her get pounded by a well endowed man. I am average sized, maybe 6in x 5in, and I have no trouble pleasing her, but watching her get plowed would be incredible. I know she would enjoy it. For that matter, the thought of her ravaging another man is amazing - I'm talking about her just really putting it on him like he's never had before.

 

So, now for the question - Has anyone ever had these types of fantasies about their SO, but when it really happened you were troubled by what you saw only to be filled with regret and remorse? These are my fantasies, but how do I know I won't freak out if I see it in real life? Not everyone is cut out for swinging for many different reasons, but how do I know whether or not this thing in particular is what eliminates us from the lifestyle? I can't imagine it being the case since the thought of it turns me on so much, but after reading this forum for a while I have come across one or two posts with this situation.

 

Thanks and sorry for being so long

[TheSwingerSet 205]

To be totally honest, you won't know until it happens. You can think about it, you can think about all the different outcomes, but until you actually see her with someone else you just can't predict how you will feel.

 

That being said, the most important things for you to keep in your head while it is going on is that A. she is in heaven and B. that she will be going home with you.

 

You have something that no other man can ever give her. You love her in ways that no one else can, you love her when she has the flu, you love her when she is telling you to take out the trash, and you love her enough to make her (and your) fantasies come true.

 

Hope that helps

[slevin 1,374]

On the subject of very specific fantasies I have a quick note: I think you'll end up disappointed if you go into it wanting something specific to happen. Even if what does happen is great. Try to approach this with the attitude of wanting to have a good time and nothing more. You can try to work towards seeing your fantasies come to life, but not every encounter needs to be a fantasy coming true. Have fun having sex, enjoy what does happen and try to have as much fun along the way as you can

 

On whether you'll enjoy what your fantasies are when they happen, no one will be able to tell you how you'll feel. I was worried about how I would feel the first time anything happened. We went with soft swinging to start off and I was worried about how I'd feel about that too. In the end when the moment came I had some anxiety about how I'd feel, but it passed quickly. There was a bit of a pang of jealousy at first, but then I got preoccupied by what was happening between me and the other guys wife. As the night progressed that jealousy never came back. It was just fun.

[sweet_tna 680]

Fantasies are awesome, and it's great that you want to see your wife enjoy such pleasure. How does she feel about the idea? First and foremost, you need to talk to her about it. If she's on board, and you're ready to begin exploring these fantasies, ya'll might want to start reading this board together (if you don't already). You can read different stories/threads and discuss how you feel about the things you read . . .

 

But here's the thing. Bringing a fantasy to reality is like making a movie based on a book. Sometimes it works out great, and the movie is a great representation of the book. Other times, it's two hours of your life you'll never get back. You have to go into it with a general idea of what you'd like to happen, and communicate that to your partners (along with your rules/comfort levels), and hope for the best.

 

I've had some wonderful MFM and MMFM experiences, most of which just . . . happened.

 

Best of luck to ya'll, '

 

=)

[ViSexual 1,008]

It sounds like you're thinking more about having a third, or more, men and not couples, right?

 

Well, first and foremost, find someone who's understanding of your concerns!

 

Second, like Slevin mentioned, go slow and make sure the third agrees to go slow too! There's no hurry and each tiny step is exciting for you, your wonderful wife, and it should also be for the third.

 

(I think you'll find out just how you'll feel about the actual sex from how you feel about the non-sexual pleasing of her by you and the third.)

 

And, third, get to know, trust, and even like, the third yourself.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Wow, this sounds like it could have been written by me.

 

Mrs.DontStop is very sexual, quite aggressive in bed, quite talented, and very orgasmic (she can cum from being kissed, while replaying an encounter in her mind, while giving head, etc). I've had guys come to be afterward and say "Wow."

 

Start with perhaps her just giving another guy a blowjob and see how you feel about it. You shouldn't have a problem finding someone to accept that. If you're still intrigued, set up another date and take it further. I love to watch Mrs with another guy (or girl) but it's too distracting for me to be able to concentrate on my partner simultaneously.

 

Like TheSwingerSet said, you've got way more than sex with your wife, so separate the act of intercourse from the emotion of love. She'll appreciate you allowing her fantasies come true and she'll be supercharged afterwards. You'll come away just as happy as she is because the sex after an encounter is incredible.

[eldiablo311 201]

To the original post...I totally relate to what you are questioning! I am going thru the same thoughts right now also!

 

I can hardly stop fantasizing about my girl being with another man, the fantasy turns me on so much! I just don't know how I would feel if it actually happened!

 

One thought that has come into my head, to test the waters, was to go get a couples massage and have her strip naked and have an attractive guy massage her in front of me...just to see if I would feel any jealousy, and that way no boundaries are being crossed.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Fantasy is different from reality. But that is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

If you have this vision in your head, like your own personal porno of how things will go, and that is what you are expecting then you will be disappointed. Things rarely, virtually never, go just like you see them in your imagination. There are always fits and starts, pauses and even awkwardness at times, even if it is nothing more than figuring out who needs to be where to put everything where everyone wants it to be. Porn is directed and edited so that it all flows so "naturally."

 

That said there can definitely be a large number of WOW moments during and after each experience. The whole experience can be one BIG WOW moment. In fact, if you go into it with an open mind and not expecting perfection or playing from a script in your mind, you may find out that the reality is even better than what you imagined, even if it is slightly different.

 

As for "freaking out," well, you cannot know for sure until you are in that situation. But if you two discuss everything up front, stick with your plan and rules, and understand this is ONLY ABOUT SEX and nothing more then you will probably be fine. You will feel many different emotions as you move forward, excitement, a little fear, anxiousness, relief, love and maybe even a bit of jealously. The first time we played I felt a dozen or so emotions all in a split second, it was like a wave and they were all mixed together at the same time. I was not sure what to think of it at first, but it was not anything that caused me to freak out or made me want to stop. Later I kind of parsed them all out and realized that there was a bit of jealousy there, but it was so fleeting and mixed with a bunch of positive emotions that it was fine. All in all it was just a rush. Now the jealousy part is gone, but the rush is still there.

[Alura 2,774]

To the original post...I totally relate to what you are questioning! I am going thru the same thoughts right now also!

 

I can hardly stop fantasizing about my girl being with another man, the fantasy turns me on so much! I just don't know how I would feel if it actually happened!

 

One thought that has come into my head, to test the waters, was to go get a couples massage and have her strip naked and have an attractive guy massage her in front of me...just to see if I would feel any jealousy, and that way no boundaries are being crossed.

 

Perhaps y'all could find a couple. Mr. Playmate could give your wife a massage while you massaged Mrs. Playmate. That would "level the playing field." Don't be surprised if you both get laid.

 

Alura

[Tina and Bob 236]

So Mr. Smith I take it that your wife is aware of your fantasy/s. Is she willing and wanting to experience it? Because it's not only about how you'll feel, but about how she will feel about it after the fact as well. Watching your SO bang someone else for the first time will definitely stir up the emotions; it's how prepared you both are to deal with it, and how you communicate with each other after the fact.

[MN Tom 251]

Yes, there are a lot of good ways to "test your mettle" in regards to swinging. Massages work, so would flirting with another couple, a night out dancing with some close contact...

 

We ended up unwittingly being a "test" couple for someone else not too long ago. We were contacted and met up with a couple at a bar that had live music. Their profile looked great, been around a few years, fit right into our views. And in person they both were very attractive, shockingly matched what both of us prefer in terms of looks (pretty rare to be honest). We met, talked over drinks, flirted a bit, and then started dancing. And about halfway through the night I (mr) started noticing that the other Mr wasnt ready. He was blocking me from his wife and just was throwing off signs of being uncomfortable with me touching her. It was ok if she was touching me, but I couldnt reciprocate. He was also ok with my wife touching him, but he wouldnt initiate.

 

Night came to an end, my wife kissed him goodbye, and he stopped his wife from kissing me, and then we went on our way.

 

Come to see them a week later, and they came up to talk with us and she mentioned the scoop. The past few years they had been playing together as unmarried singles (been living together for several years), but now that they just got engaged he was having trouble with the idea. We said that is fine, just take your time, enjoy your engagement. And we thanked them for telling us, we always prefer to know instead of just wonder. And that was that.

 

 

And like others have mentioned, dont try to stick too hard to the fantasy and how it all plays out. Life rarely follows a plan. You can plan a night out perfectly and believe you thought of every issue and something else will come up. Best bet is to have a base idea of what you want and let it flow towards that.

[MrMrsSmith 20]

How does she feel about the idea? First and foremost, you need to talk to her about it. If she's on board, and you're ready to begin exploring these fantasies, ya'll might want to start reading this board together (if you don't already). You can read different stories/threads and discuss how you feel about the things you read . . .=)

 

Yes, my wife does know how I feel and she shares similar fantasies and she has already started reading the forum.

Perhaps now would be a good time to tell you all a bit more about how we have arrived at this point. Again, I have always had MFM fantasies for the sake of giving her the ultimate sexual pleasure, but I never mentioned them. A few years ago, I do not remember how the subject came up (maybe I asked, but I certainly did not have any MFM intentions at the time), she did indicate that she had a MFM fantasy. Her feeling was something like "well yeah, doesn't every women." She had no intention of making it happen either - it was just a fantasy. Just knowing that she fantasized about it fueled our sex and my masturbation (I travel a lot) for a long time. Then, maybe two years or so ago we started simulating DP with vibrators. It was the best sex that either of us had ever experienced. I realized at this point that I wanted the fantasy to be a reality, but I still didn't mention it.

 

Flash forward to several months ago. I am not sure why it took so long, but I told her that I want MFM to become a reality, not just a fantasy. She said she was on board - in theory, but did have some reservations (moral implications, marital sanctity, anxiety, etc). We both agreed that we needed to proceed cautiously and communicate thoroughly. At this point our sex life exploded. Just the thought that she wanted it to be a reality was such a turn on.

 

Flash forward to several weeks ago. After a bit of a lull in the swinging discussions we started to talk more in depth and started exploring more of the details. Our sex life went to over drive, again. I then told her that I would like more than just MFM. I want MFM, MFMM, MFMMM, FMF, MFMF and any other permutation of F's and M's that you could imagine. She is not sure how she feels about additional women. Like me, she is concerned with what she will feel at the moment when it happens.

 

Flash forward to now. We continue to talk about the lifestyle. We actually plan to attend an event in Sept. Although, I am not so sure we will dip our toes in the water at that time - maybe. I can tell you this though. I think that we have agreed that if and when we do, we will probably start with a really soft swap - probably waist up, same room sort of thing.

 

Thanks again

[MrMrsSmith 20]

One thought that has come into my head, to test the waters, was to go get a couples massage and have her strip naked and have an attractive guy massage her in front of me...just to see if I would feel any jealousy, and that way no boundaries are being crossed.

 

That's a good idea. LOL, my wife's sexuality turns me on so much that if I didn't get jealous I would either have to A) stop the massage and ask the guy to leave while I fuck my wife or B) stop the massage and ask the guy to help me fuck my wife. I think she would be getting fucked either way...

 

Sorry to be so crude and use the F word, but that's just how I feel. I love my wife and I like to make love to her, but she turns me on so much that often I just want to fuck her, you know?

[MrMrsSmith 20]

So Mr. Smith I take it that your wife is aware of your fantasy/s. Is she willing and wanting to experience it? Because it's not only about how you'll feel, but about how she will feel about it after the fact as well. Watching your SO bang someone else for the first time will definitely stir up the emotions; it's how prepared you both are to deal with it, and how you communicate with each other after the fact.

 

Yes she does know and we are communicating.

Communication after the fact will be huge, thanks for the advice!

[Powerglide 235]

Actually, it was every bit as good as I imagined, both for her and for me.

[Hydro324 15]

Re: Fantasy vs Reality

Yes, there are a lot of good ways to "test your mettle" in regards to swinging. Massages work, so would flirting with another couple, a night out dancing with some close contact...

 

Like many on the board, my wife and I have talked about her getting plowed by another guy while I watch, but have yet to take the plunge.

 

Having my wife get an erotic massage sounds like a brilliant idea as a way to do a 'dry run.' That idea had never occurred to me . . . this board is an amazing wealth of information.

 

She and I are heading to Las Vegas in August. I'm definitely going to take a shot at heading to the Red Rooster, but I love the massage idea as a very 1st step.

 

In reading this board it seems like there's an answer/advice/insight for everything so I'll throw this out to see if there's any insight to be gained. I've started doing a couple searches for "male in-call erotic massages," but as you can imagine they all come back with gay massages . . . couldn't have less interest in that.

 

Does anyone know a resource to find a male in call massages for the purpose i'm looking for?

[Hydro324 15]

Sorry I screwed up my terminology in the post above . . . I meant out-call massage, i.e. meaning he comes to us not us going to a massage parlor.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- I agree with Slevin, simply be open to having a great time. In my case, it was the things I wasn't anticipating that were better than anything I expected. The idea is simply to be playful and have fun. There is a saying: "To have expectations is to invite disappointment." Have a fun, positive, safe and sexy environment and you'll have a blast. And, if you don't , then you know that you at least tried and that's amazing in and of itself.

[smoothshavers 25]

MrMrsSmith:

We are also new at the swinging and have the same concerns as you, actually probably more her than me. After reading the advice and suggestions of the above "experienced", I think that we both have some good input from them.

 

Thank you all for your input.

[Gordo 618]

So you got one of those nasty little "sober second thoughts" rattling around in your cranium. I don't think you'd be normal if you didn't ....lots of people have them leading up to the "event".

 

But there is nothing that says you have to jump in with both feet. Take it slow. Try some soft swap activities and see how you feel about watching her kiss or get fondled. You can add to the activities as you feel comfortable. Just make sure your partner (3rd) understands the boundaries and the fact it may end quickly if it's distressing.

 

If you find soft activities distressing you don't belong in swinging.

[sweet_tna 680]

Yes, my wife does know how I feel and she shares similar fantasies and she has already started reading the forum.

Perhaps now would be a good time to tell you all a bit more about how we have arrived at this point. Again, I have always had MFM fantasies for the sake of giving her the ultimate sexual pleasure, but I never mentioned them. A few years ago, I do not remember how the subject came up (maybe I asked, but I certainly did not have any MFM intentions at the time), she did indicate that she had a MFM fantasy. Her feeling was something like "well yeah, doesn't every women." She had no intention of making it happen either - it was just a fantasy. Just knowing that she fantasized about it fueled our sex and my masturbation (I travel a lot) for a long time. Then, maybe two years or so ago we started simulating DP with vibrators. It was the best sex that either of us had ever experienced. I realized at this point that I wanted the fantasy to be a reality, but I still didn't mention it.

 

Flash forward to several months ago. I am not sure why it took so long, but I told her that I want MFM to become a reality, not just a fantasy. She said she was on board - in theory, but did have some reservations (moral implications, marital sanctity, anxiety, etc). We both agreed that we needed to proceed cautiously and communicate thoroughly. At this point our sex life exploded. Just the thought that she wanted it to be a reality was such a turn on.

 

Flash forward to several weeks ago. After a bit of a lull in the swinging discussions we started to talk more in depth and started exploring more of the details. Our sex life went to over drive, again. I then told her that I would like more than just MFM. I want MFM, MFMM, MFMMM, FMF, MFMF and any other permutation of F's and M's that you could imagine. She is not sure how she feels about additional women. Like me, she is concerned with what she will feel at the moment when it happens.

 

Flash forward to now. We continue to talk about the lifestyle. We actually plan to attend an event in Sept. Although, I am not so sure we will dip our toes in the water at that time - maybe. I can tell you this though. I think that we have agreed that if and when we do, we will probably start with a really soft swap - probably waist up, same room sort of thing.

 

Thanks again

 

Glad to hear it. My gut feeling was that you had talked to her, but since you didn't specify in your original post, I felt obligated to ask.

 

Now that I know this, I would second the idea of a massage once you've found the right guy or couple with whom to take those first steps. It offers a way to test the waters and ultimately ease into more advanced activities, should you find yourselves comfortable. And lemme' tell ya, one of the best massages I had was during an MFM. My hubby massaged my back while I was lying on top of the other guy. Mmmmm . . .

 

Anyway, the key is to try and figure out some guidelines/ground rules for what you know you are/aren't comfortable with, and go from there.

 

=)

[MN Tom 251]

Well what I would do to find a person willing to come to your place for an erotic massage is post something on a swinger website in your area.

 

Most swinger websites seem to have a short term "hookup" type of feature, aka booty call, let's meet tonight, find partners now....

 

Just post what you are looking for on something of that sort and see what you get. If it's the female half looking for a guy to come over to massage her, you probably will get a lot of hits if your website is popular.

 

If it's the male half looking, then a lot less would be expected.

[eldiablo311 201]

That's a good idea. LOL, my wife's sexuality turns me on so much that if I didn't get jealous I would either have to A) stop the massage and ask the guy to leave while I fuck my wife or B) stop the massage and ask the guy to help me fuck my wife. I think she would be getting fucked either way...

 

Sorry to be so crude and use the F word, but that's just how I feel. I love my wife and I like to make love to her, but she turns me on so much that often I just want to fuck her, you know?

 

Ha Ha Ha! Yeah I understand, I want to fuck my girlfriend all of the time too! It just turns me on so much to hear her talk dirty or watch her doing something "dirty". LOL!

 

We were just in Scottsdale at a nice resort and it was late, around 1am or 2am, when we were out on the balcony in our robes having some drinks. That is when I spread her legs and exposed her pussy so that anyone, if they were walking by could easily see, and I started touching her, making her wet and went down on her also. I loved knowing that she was exposing a private thing for the world to see! It turned me on so much! We went inside and fucked. I also mentioned to her, again, that we need to go do the couples massage with her preferably getting an attractive guy to massage her naked body right in front of me and then we can go home and get it on!

 

I love to watch her masturbating to porn also! I like to ask her to tell me about which guys she thinks are hot and sexy and to see how wet she gets over them! That is fun too!

[eldiablo311 201]

Re: Fantasy vs Reality

Yes, there are a lot of good ways to "test your mettle" in regards to swinging. Massages work, so would flirting with another couple, a night out dancing with some close contact...

 

Like many on the board, my wife and I have talked about her getting plowed by another guy while I watch, but have yet to take the plunge.

 

Having my wife get an erotic massage sounds like a brilliant idea as a way to do a 'dry run.' That idea had never occurred to me . . . this board is an amazing wealth of information.

 

She and I are heading to Las Vegas in August. I'm definitely going to take a shot at heading to the Red Rooster, but I love the massage idea as a very 1st step.

 

In reading this board it seems like there's an answer/advice/insight for everything so I'll throw this out to see if there's any insight to be gained. I've started doing a couple searches for "male in-call erotic massages," but as you can imagine they all come back with gay massages . . . couldn't have less interest in that.

 

Does anyone know a resource to find a male in call massages for the purpose i'm looking for?

 

Yeah I love this site too, lots of great ideas and experienced advice!! Glad you liked my idea of the couples massage, I figure for me, it's a pretty "tame" way to test how I will feel about swinging and another guy eventually touching and fucking her. Let me know how it goes for you guys if you do it.

 

I don't know about a male "in-call" massage type thing. I know what you mean it is all gay guys advertising that stuff so that sucks. I can't imagine it would be that hard to find a guy, straight, that would be willing to give another guys wife or girlfriend a erotic massage, with some "inappropriate touching" ;O) I know for me though, I want to start with a regular, no funny business, type massage, just one where my girlfriend is completely naked though. I have to start out slow so I can see how I feel.

 

I like the idea someone brought up of going to a club and letting her flirt or dance with other guys to see how it feels. I just wouldn't want the guy getting pissed off at us because he was being led on or something though.

[eldiablo311 201]

Also I wanted to say that I think one thing I am going to start doing more of, is next time a guy is hitting on her, hold back my feelings of jealousy and just think about my fantasy and realize that this is what has to happen if my fantasy is ever going to happen in real life. Let them talk for awhile and flirt and just hang back and watch for awhile to see how I feel. I have to start getting used to guys talking to her and both of them flirting with each other, I think that is the part that I never consider in the heat of the moment when I fantasize about her fucking someone else. I just imagine the carnal images of another guys hard dick going inside her or her sucking him off, I never think about all of the other "little things" that lead up to that actually happening.

[BigNikki 43]

Big Nikki here.

To be totally honest, you won't know until it happens.

 

That is the core factor. Our hearts, our emotions can't be predicted or second guessed. That's the big lesson in the lifestyle.

 

-- Big Nikki

[mandlori 16]

Can't predict your emotions, but I can tell you about mine. I too fantasized about my wife doing it with another guy. She is very sexual, but with just the 2 of us could have an orgasm only about once a month by oral or anal, or fingering herself. I thought that with new and different the excitement would be something that would change that. The idea really turned her on, and we had some hot times talking about it during foreplay, but it took a long time to turn fantasy into reality. When the fantasy first became a reality, it was a huge turn on for me to watch them kissing and fondling each other. When their clothes came off and he started licking her pussy, I started kissing her and sucking her nipples. Just like I fantasized the orgasms started and kept on with just a few minutes between each. It was not just the technique because when we changed places and I took over licking her pussy while he kissed her and sucked on her nipples, she kept on cumming. It was as hot as I had ever imagined, but when it came time for his cock to slide into her pussy, there were some pangs of jealousy although I kept them to myself. I had told her before that if I had any problem with her doing it they would be my problem alone because it was my idea. Over tiime any jealous feelings completely disappeared. In fact one of her friends (sexual friend only) would stop by our place when he returned from a business trip (our house was between the airport and his home an hour away) and they would do it with me sitting at my computer working but really enjoying the look of pleasure on her face and hearing her cum multiple times.