Spouse's Death

[lookingfornow 116]

My wife passed away a couple weeks ago--very unexpected. We had been married for 24+ years. We have four children high school age or younger. We had been active in the lifestyle for over six years.

 

There is a void in my soul that I cannot describe. I am under extreme stress dealing with all of the issues surrounding her passing and establishing the new normal with the kids, etc. Sex has always been a major source of stress release for me. Accordingly, I now find myself horny all the time--I mean ALL THE TIME.

 

I feel extremely guilty because I am dying to have a sexual release. I have swinger friends who I can turn to in order to get that release, and I will undoubtedly do so soon. But, there is a part of me that feels constrained by the vanilla world's notion of allowing for a significant morning period to pass before engaging in dating type activities.

 

I am curious as to what the collective masses think--what is the appropriate period of morning for a swinger who has lost a spouse before they play again? And, beware, I think the answer that it is different for everyone is a cop out. Certainly, it is up to the individual to decide when they are ready to play. But, is there a period that the spouse should want to sit out to avoid an appearance that they are not sufficiently respectful of their spouse's passing? For those who have had spouses pass, how long did you sit out and why?

[adventuringout 15]

i wasnt in the lifestyle when my first wife passed I only waited a month before seeing someone else she was suppose to be a one night stand been married to her now for 15 years

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I am sorry for your loss. I wish I had some sage advice, but I don't. My wife and I have discussed this issue and both of us would want the other to continue, but we have never discussed how long we should wait. I think we both are more concerned that the other continue to live life to the fullest and not withdraw more than worrying about how long afterwards we wait.

 

If they are already close friends, then I think they would understand your needs. If is someone new, I think it may come off as uncaring and they would avoid the situation. Also, I think you might find that some of the hesitation would them not wanting to come across as callus toward your or your wife's memory.

 

Good luck.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

I remember a study that I read, that said one of our mind ways of dealing with sudden death is to have sex. Something about the need to go through the life making process.

 

Personally I would wait a few months before seeking a playmate, not so much to honor Her memory but to make sure that I was ready to deal with the feelings.

[angelkin 1,326]

First, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you...I read your post last night and couldn't get it off my mind.

 

I remember a study that I read, that said one of our mind ways of dealing with sudden death is to have sex. Something about the need to go through the life making process.

 

I was about to say the same thing. The emotional/stress release sex can provide is a gift in times of great grief. I can imagine myself calling upon a play partner who understands the situation and with whom I would feel safe being emotional around within a few weeks of such a tragedy.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Looking,

 

Please accept my deepest condolences on your loss.

 

I believe that those who go before us in life's cycles are still with us in spirit. Your wife, I think, would only have thoughts of what is best for you in your life now. If you feel the need, and you have close friends who you can spend some time with, then do so. Just start with getting out with close friends, and let things proceed naturally.

 

I have a good swinging friend who lost his wife a number of years ago. He still sees the swinger friends that he had with his wife, but the dynamic changed with her passing, and he had to develop new friends. So don't be surprised or offended if partners that you shared with your wife are no longer available to you.

 

Good luck!

 

S

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

First, condolences on your loss. There is no greater void than the one left by your partner.

 

Some reflections. There is no appropriate mourning interval. As Kierkegaard pointed out, life can be understood backward but has to be lived forward (that's a bit of a paraphrase, but close). You can honor her memory, but you cannot bring her back.

 

For us, celibacy would only dishonor the memory. We would say to each other, when you're ready go for it. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, as you now know only too well.

 

Good luck.

[MN Tom 251]

Ive told my wife that if I passed, I would wish that she would celebrate life and enjoy herself rather than revert to the doom and gloom.

 

But, we all know that such a loss would invoke deep emotional pain, and it would be with very mixed emotions.

 

I can say that I would try to continue celebrating life, but when the situation actually happened I very well may end up curling in a ball in the corner.

 

Closest thing to that sort of loss that we've had was losing a child, and while we did cry our eyes out for seemingly a day straight (and many hours beyond), we did realize that life goes on.

 

With whatever you do realize that it's nobody else's place to judge you on it. Everyone handles pain in a different way, some people become depressed for months, some people seemingly take it in stride, and most are in between.

[Alura 2,774]

Hi, Looking!

 

It's been two and a half years since Mrs. Alura left me with a high school junior and a college freshman. For weeks, maybe months, I spent way too much time alone in my garage, working on my project motorcycle and crying. I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes there seems to be no answer to the pain.

 

Sex was not an issue. In fact, I found myself uninterested at best.

 

Laura's death (from breast cancer) wasn't sudden. The night before she died, knowing her organs were all failing and her life would only last a matter of hours, we had one of the most in-depth talks of our 27 year marriage. It remains one of the most vivid memories of our time together. She encouraged me to find another woman and build a relationship. "It'll be easy," she said. "Just do what we did. You know how." I believe I do.

 

I was lucky. A year and a half later, I was contacted by a woman from Florida whom I had met in India in 1971. (Thank you, Facebook!) We traveled together overland to Istanbul and then carried on a torrid love affair for three years, mostly by mail but also in person in Europe, until we both moved at about the same time and lost track of each other. Well... at the time there was also a good Jewish boy who was a lawyer and somewhat better marriage prospect than a wandering hippy. He turned out to be not such a good prospect, but neither of us ever forgot the other. She still has all my letters.

 

Anyway, White Fox has been a real help in putting those wonderful years behind me and looking to the future with hope. She's always there and the communication is just as good. I'm sure we'll be together in the future, when I can sell my house here in Tulsa and stick enough money in each son's college account to assure their graduation. In the meantime, Skype (and phone sex) is our friend. We hope to attend a Meet Up! together soon; swinging is an undecided subject that is on the table.

 

I've found recovery to be a long, slow process. Perhaps you'll deal with your loss better than I have but the real key seems to me to be someone else to love, not somebody to fuck. I'm sure your swinging friends can help in the meantime. Just be assured your wife would be supportive of you.

 

Alura

[Zoe&Wash 93]

Again, sorry for your loss - it's something that's unimaginable for most of us and something we all fear.

 

I've also heard it said that women mourn alone and men mourn with another - in short, it's not something unheard of for a widower to take up a new love in the months after his wife's passing. She likely knew this as well.

 

All the best and good luck -

 

W

[Dont.Stop 339]

Only you can decide when you're ready. Ironically Mrs. and I were discussing things in the lifestyle just the other day and she told me, out of the blue, that if something were to happen to her, that she expected me to continue on, find someone (or someones) and enjoy life. I replied saying if I can't dance, it doesn't mean the party has to stop.

 

When I lost my father earlier this year, I was terribly out of sorts until Mrs. and I finally did have sex again (this was before the sunrise of our swinging). The emotional and physical release was necessary.

 

Our condolences go out to you.

[wifes_toy 53]

My condolances.

 

I think the answer is "when your ready." Sex with others is some thing you two shared. It will bring up emotion but then so would watching a TV show the two of you enjoyed. As far as what the vanilla world thinks? Fuckem, it's YOUR life and YOUR memory of her.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

You have our condolences and best wishes as well.

 

About four years ago, we were very close to another swinging couple. So close that, when the husband unexpectedly died, we were one of the first people his wife called. She of course, was devastated, and probably like you, had to deal with everything that this type of thing entails.

 

At about two weeks, she called us and said "I've got to have some". She needed the release from all the stress, all the worry, and a thousand other things that I probably will never know of. Just something to give her a respite from the worst thing that had ever happened to her.

 

So, I think if this is what you need, and there is someone you are close to that understands, then it's worth pursuing, for your own well being.

 

I wish you well.

[Learning 160]

My boss lost her hubby from a devasting illness. A few months later, she met a nice guy online and a year later she married him. The best testament to a lost spouse is the ability to keep on going. That's what any spouse who loves their spouse wants.

[twistedpretzels 100]

i wasnt in the lifestyle when my first wife passed I only waited a month before seeing someone else she was suppose to be a one night stand been married to her now for 15 years

 

 

Yeah, what adventuringout said is Fabulous! And personally I think it is just fine to find some friends to pass through this difficult time with. It has nothing to do with how you felt/feel about your wife-- although your concerns are rather adorable:rolleyes:..... I haven't read all the replies sent to your post but I would be surprised to find people judging you... i believe you will get a lot of support and encouragement.

best wishes and i am sorry for your loss.

 

-twisted

[lookingfornow 116]

Everyone...thanks for the kind thoughts...

 

At about two weeks, she called us and said "I've got to have some".

 

I am so there right now.

 

I am so thankful that my wife and I started down this path some six years ago. I am not sure what I would be doing right now if it were not for the friends which we have already made. I think I would be jumping into the very first relationship I could create--not healthy for me, not good for my kids.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I think we all mourn in different ways, everyone may do it differently. You were swingers together, that doesn't mean you aren't a swinger after she's gone and there is no reason that allowing yourself that sexual release is wrong (unless you believe she would find it to be). I'm just guessing that she'd want you to be happy and she'd want you to find a way to relieve your stress and anxiety over her passing... and just guessing, she'd probably want you to do it with friends.

[sweet_tna 680]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't think it's a cop out to say that the best time is when you are ready. If you have good friends to turn to, they'll understand your needs and not judge you.

 

Hugs,

 

Sweet

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I have no particular suggestion to make about any period of mourning except to say that none of us are any longer bound to the conventions of the nineteenth century. Your desire for sex disrespects your wife's memory in no way.

 

Starting about three years ago, JoAnn has been telling me whom she thinks I ought to marry if case anything happened to her. I continue to be puzzled with the choice she seems to have made. But put together with other surprising things she has said, I know what it means. She simply does not want to be in a situation where she is saying to herself, "he went too soon. There is something I wish I had said to him before be left me."

 

~Michael

[Alura 2,774]

I don't think it's a cop out to say that the best time is when you are ready.

 

Sweet

 

I do think it's a cop out, Sweet, and would also suggest that one shouldn't "wait until ready." One has to work hard to make himself [emotionally] "ready." It's not easy!

 

When Laura and I married, we gave each other gold hearts. After her death I wore both of them on my chain. I was still wearing them when I went to Florida to visit White Fox. I realized there that I had to leave that symbolism behind.

 

I no longer knew whose was whose, so when I gave one to each of our sons, the mystery meant even more to them and was an added release (and a milestone) to me. It was as if I had given our marriage to our sons.

 

Alura

[lookingfornow 116]

I don't think it's a cop out to say that the best time is when you are ready. If you have good friends to turn to, they'll understand your needs and not judge you.

 

I agree that the answer as to what is right for me is whenever I feel the need.

 

My existing friends will not judge me (at least not openly and not to me). I guess my question was more directed to the broader swinger community and was intended to get a reaction akin to what I can expect from swingers who did not know me and who never knew my wife.

 

Everyone has their own concept of how someone should morn a loss. There has to be an "eww yuck" factor if that concept is perceived to be breached. Also, when we were swinging as a couple, I would have had concerns over possible drama that must accompany a widow or widower as they venture back into the swinging world as a single and not a couple. No one wants to risk having a lover unexpectedly break down into tears because of grief in the middle of a play date. That would definitely put a damper on the evening (not that I see that happening).

 

So, maybe I should re-state the question a bit...if you were inclined to play with a widowed man or woman, how soon would be too soon for you after his or her spouse's passing?

[Dont.Stop 339]

So, maybe I should re-state the question a bit...if you were inclined to play with a widowed man or woman, how soon would be too soon for you after his or her spouse's passing?

 

I don't know when anyone is emotionally ready to jump in. I would expect to have some time to talk to this person (assuming they are my friend) and try to gauge their state of mind. The experience could be therapeutic, cathartic, a call for sympathy... or none of these. Heaven knows I wouldn't want them to become dependent while they are emotionally spinning their wheels.

 

If it turned into "do this, because that's the way he used to do it" then it's something I don't want to be a part of. That's just helping them stay in the same place, and it's unhealthy. On the other hand, if it's "He'd want me to continue on enjoying life" or "It's time to move on to the next chapter in my life" then I'm more agreeable.

 

But please, wait until the ceremony is done and the relatives have gone back home...

[sweet_tna 680]

I do think it's a cop out, Sweet, and would also suggest that one shouldn't "wait until ready." One has to work hard to make himself [emotionally] "ready." It's not easy!

 

When Laura and I married, we gave each other gold hearts. After her death I wore both of them on my chain. I was still wearing them when I went to Florida to visit White Fox. I realized there that I had to leave that symbolism behind.

 

I no longer knew whose was whose, so when I gave one to each of our sons, the mystery meant even more to them and was an added release (and a milestone) to me. It was as if I had given our marriage to our sons.

 

Alura

 

You may be right. But as I do not have any experience in this area, all I could do was try to put myself into Lookingfornow's place. That was the best answer I could give, as I don't even know how I would respond to the situation. Everyone handles grief differently, and while I agree there comes a time to move on, who is to say when that point is reached?

 

So, maybe I should re-state the question a bit...if you were inclined to play with a widowed man or woman, how soon would be too soon for you after his or her spouse's passing?

 

If I didn't know them and was so inclined, I would probably approach them as I would any other prospective play partner, under the assumption that if they were seeking playmates that they felt ready to play again.

 

If I did know the the person (and their spouse) well, then I may need time to grieve myself. Assuming I was ready to play, then I'd trust my friend to know when he/she is ready and be there to provide the release they needed.

[jazzsinger 15]

In October I lost my husband after a brief illness. He wasn't sick prior to that and we had a great life including sex. Now, I'm walking around in a daze and wondering what to do with the sexual part of my life. We had "friends" Gail and Mike that we used to get together with often and my husband was closer to Mike than I was. They have been very supportive through all this and keep extending invitations to have "dinner". Although a part of me is yearning to be touched again (my husband was a marvelous lover), I'm not sure if it will just leave me aching for him. Let me say that my husband was the one who introduced me to the lifestyle and we had many great times. Because of my husbands love and trust and skill(!), I found how great things could be. I don't know what to do. Mike had always found me sexy, however, Mike was never what I considered sexy. The difference was that I always was able to finish the evening with my husband. I don't even know if their invitation to dinner includes what it used to? What do I do?

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

In October I lost my husband after a brief illness. ... I don't even know if their invitation to dinner includes what it used to? What do I do?

 

I am sorry for your loss. I know there is really nothing someone can say in these situations, but we can at least attempt to support you in a tough time.

 

As for your "dinner," I would be honest with them and tell them that you are not sure if you can play at this time, and how you will feel if you do. If they can accept that you may or may not play if you come, that if you do start playing you may not be able to finish, and that since your husband was such a large part of your play time that you are not sure how you will react emotionally, then I would say go an play it by ear. It could be exactly what you need just to have friends close or even to enjoy an evening of pleasure.

 

Best of luck.

[djjwp 129]

We have had this discussion and it is 'til death do you part'. When you are ready, you will know and go after it. Relax and enjoy life as you should, I would find it hard to think anyone would want their widow not to.

[lovinher 505]

In October I lost my husband after a brief illness. He wasn't sick prior to that and we had a great life including sex. Now, I'm walking around in a daze and wondering what to do with the sexual part of my life. We had "friends" Gail and Mike that we used to get together with often and my husband was closer to Mike than I was. They have been very supportive through all this and keep extending invitations to have "dinner". Although a part of me is yearning to be touched again (my husband was a marvelous lover), I'm not sure if it will just leave me aching for him. Let me say that my husband was the one who introduced me to the lifestyle and we had many great times. Because of my husbands love and trust and skill(!), I found how great things could be. I don't know what to do. Mike had always found me sexy, however, Mike was never what I considered sexy. The difference was that I always was able to finish the evening with my husband. I don't even know if their invitation to dinner includes what it used to? What do I do?

 

Very sorry for your loss.

 

It almost sounds as if you were "taking one for the team"(?). If so, why would you play with them now? A nice dinner, sure. But make it clear that it's a dinner only.

If not and your feeling guilty or need the attention then ask yourself what would your husband want you to do?

 

Good luck to you.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I don't even know if their invitation to dinner includes what it used to? What do I do?

 

If you'd like to have dinner with them, accept the invitation. One thing that doesn't change is "no means no", and if you aren't ready (or interested) for anything more than that, then make it dinner only.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Agree with the above posters; be honest. They're friends, and I don't think I'd exclude them from your life at this time, but make it clear what you feel comfortable with. Getting around people can be a tremendous help in times like this.

 

You are always welcome here!

 

As an aside, I grew up in Connecticut. If it's anything at all like it was in my youth, get out and about and you will find new friends, and niches you never knew were there before. It's a new world for you now. You don't have to leave your husband behind. Cherish the memories, and bring him along for the ride in your heart.

[jazzsinger 15]

Thank you all for the advice and kind thoughts. Although I haven't totally made up my mind, I have realized that my husband believed in the joys of the lifestyle. Although he usually led the way (I'm a little shy in the beginning), I know our friends care enough about me to help me get "started" if that's how I feel. My mind is filled with images of making love to him and our other adventures. I know in my mind he would not want me to deny myself because of being scared of how I would be perceived. I would feel more comfortable with our friends instead of the single fellows we knew. One clarification of my original post, no I was not taking one for the team, Mike is a sweet fellow but I think finishing the evening with my husband was a way to stay "true" to each other. Hope that makes some sense. I'll let you know what I decide and how it goes. I'll say this much, sure am feeling the need.

[EroticImaginati 16]

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. I (Mr. Erotic) went through this same situation 2 years ago. Sadly, I do have to say it is different for everyone, but I can tell you what I did. It may help put things in perspective.

 

Within a few months after my wife's death I was looking for a new partner to swing with. Because I wasn't ready for a relationship of that type yet, I began to self destruct. I knew I wanted to swing and go out and have fun, but I didn't want to go alone (we all know the bad rap single males get). It wasn't until I was comfortable being a single that I found someone I was comfortable with, and, even then, we were just going as friends. No relationship was involved- she went with me to lower the cost of club donation, I went with her as her wing man.

 

After a while, we decided to kick it up a notch, and have since developed a great relationship.

 

It all just depends on when your level of comfort returns.