If your SO decides to quit the lifestyle, would you be willing to quit too?

[Big Rock 173]

I have gotten to know quite a few posters here on LS and am very impressed by the honesty and communication skills of swingers , in general, and our posters, specifically, so I would like to ask a question that has interested me since I've come to SB. If, for any reason, one of a couple decides to leave the lifestyle, but the other still wants to play, would you be willing to give it up, if you could not persuade the reluctant one to continue?

[Alura 2,774]

Of course, Rocky. Swinging is fun, not necessary. Without both being involved there would be no reason to swing.

 

Alura

[Big Rock 173]

I guess, Alura, what I want to know is if any marriages or ltr's have broken up over the issue of the BELATED reluctance of one or the other partner? I have a very dim view of religious "conversions", and am wondering how they effect ordinarily stable couples.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I have gotten to know quite a few posters here on LS and am very impressed by the honesty and communication skills of swingers , in general, and our posters, specifically, so I would like to ask a question that has interested me since I've come to SB. If, for any reason, one of a couple decides to leave the lifestyle, but the other still wants to play, would you be willing to give it up, if you could not persuade the reluctant one to continue?

 

Yes, we went into this together and if my husband wanted to stop we would. It would be very hard for me at this point, because I really enjoy it and enjoy the friends we've made.

 

I think we would probably come to some type of compromise about extramarital sex rather than break up. We have been best friends since high school and have a family together. We're very compatible and permissive toward each other. Before we started swinging we were completely confident in each other and our relationship no matter what happened with other people.

[kellyandtopher 15]

If the hubby wanted to call it quits I dont know if I could go along with it... I really enjoy the lifestyle... I wouldnt want to say that I would go looking for others to cheat with but if the opportunity came up I dont know if I could contain myself... but on the other hand I do love my hubby and love my marriage... I would try my best to do what the hubby wanted... Now if it was me that wanted to call it quits and the hubby had to go along with it... I think he would have no problems with it... I think he would be bummed out about it but wouldnt ever think about cheating...

[MoonLightKiss 28]

I have gotten to know quite a few posters here on LS and am very impressed by the honesty and communication skills of swingers , in general, and our posters, specifically, so I would like to ask a question that has interested me since I've come to SB. If, for any reason, one of a couple decides to leave the lifestyle, but the other still wants to play, would you be willing to give it up, if you could not persuade the reluctant one to continue?

 

Actually, this did happen with me and my ex. He wanted to stop...we stopped. I did ask why he wanted to stop so that I understood his thoughts but not to persuade him to continue. I never tried to talk him into it, because our belief was that it was fun for US. If one of us wasn't wanting to participate, the other's persuasion or attempt thereof would ultimately lead to the other feeling as if they had to continue to keep the other happy. We didn't want the feeling of "obligation" ergo when he said stop...i simply stopped.

[Learning 160]

I would quit in a second. This lifestyle does not outweigh the love that I have from my family. I have the most wonderful husband and child ever. So I would be out if he wanted. We even talked some about leaving because sometimes it's not what it's cracked up to be and the few months prior to my pregnacy was difficult on me emotionally because my self esteem was getting hit hard instead of helping it. I can say it's also worse getting back in after a leave so I don't know if we we are in for the long haul sometimes...we just take it day by day.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Without a doubt I would stop. Would I miss it? Absolutely. But I would miss her being happy and in love with me more. In fact I believe I used nearly those exact words in a previous post.

 

Swinging is about our relationship, our relationship is not about swinging.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

I can say that if either of us said it was time to quit, we would!! The reason I can say this is that we took a long break from it almost 2 years and neither of us questioned the decision. The reason that we came back to it was some of our friends asking us to start hosting events again, it got us talking about it again. And we both came to the conclusion that we did miss it, what we didn't miss was the BS that comes from hosting events, so that is what we changed, a new attitude towards the events we host and so far it has worked out well.

[susanandsteve 32]

Susan here-- When I began dating my husband he was well aware that I was non-monogamous. I Played in the Lifestyle as a single woman. When he asked me to marry him it was to be in monogamy and I was fine with that. After a month of marriage he asked if I missed it. I said that I didn't, yet if he ever wanted to try it, we would. He asked to try it, we did (with some of my friends), and never looked back. So, yes I gave it up when he asked and got back into it when he asked . I think since we started we've been with about twenty different couples, some short term, some long term

[slevin 1,374]

I believe a number of people also answered this question when you first arrived with the situation of your girlfriend cheating with her previous swinger friends. If my memory serves me correctly you asked then if it was possible for someone who was a swinger to be monogamous. I am sure there are some good posts with stories/advice on this subject there as well.

[smoothshavers 25]

Great question! I have pondered this for many years now, not necessarily relative to swinging, but rather pertaining to other issues including religion and politics among just a couple of examples. Before I comment, I would like to express my interest in the SB, and that is the open-mindedness of the idea of swinging. In a certain way I see swinging as a sign of releasing age-old thoughts and ideals to discover our own self. It seems to me that we humans are naturally curious, which I interpret to be "explorers". We have come far in the last 100 yrs, and only recently have begun to explore that new frontier of sex and how does it relate to each of us individually.

 

Having said that, if you should quit because your partner quits, then the opposite should also be true, that your partner should not quit because you don't want to quit. Aside from that trivial point, maybe the individuals involved need to look back and attempt to determine as to why they began to swing in the first place. Was it for the thrill of the unknown? To be able to have sex with others? Because it was forbidden? Or, as is my curiosity, to understand more about my own self and my own limitations. For many years I have had the desire to explore this, one of the last unexplored areas of my physical being. I believe that in order to truly understand another individual, we must first understand our own self and limitations. However, because my SO is still not absolutely ready to make that dive, I continue to hold myself at the side with my SO. I may never have that life experience that I need to complete.

 

I wonder, do I sit and wait as my SO goes about the daily pattern, content to not grow anymore. I believe that we need to grow together. So, if you determine why you started to swing in the first place, maybe then you can determine if swinging is growth or ???? I do not believe that anyone should limit another individual's growth. However, I do believe that an individual can slow down for their SO to join them.

[Big Rock 173]

These are all great thought-provoking answers, thanks everybody:). I am especially impressed by KellyandTopher's answer, very honest. The main issues seem to be whether the marriage is more or less important than the LS experience, and if , in the case of long-term swingers, there is any wiggle room.

[angelkin 1,326]

Of course if one of us wanted to stop the other would as well. We're in this together and it's only one facet of our lives together. That being said, I think before we decided to quit altogether, we'd take a break and step back to evaluate the feelings that brought us to the decision. I believe there would be room to change things to make us both comfortable again, to move forward with a renewed view. However, neither of us feel that we will ever want to turn back to the vanilla side.

[EaSeCouple 15]

Yup, but i dont think we would ever quit. I can see us taking a break some.point and redefining things when we have kids, though.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Swinging for me is more than just a good time, more than just recreational sex. It is exploring, not just sexually, but exploring what it is to be human. If my wife asked me not to swing that would be asking me to change. It's not a knee jerk decision. Do I change because she wants me to change? Can I change because she wants me to change. Why does she want this change?

 

Changes in basic relationship values are not knee jerk, require thought and communication. If she asked me to stop reading I would probably say no. I've read all my life, reading is very important to me, and why in hell would she want me to stop reading?

 

Exploring with other people is also important. Not in that it happens all that often; it doesn't. It's that I love exploring, it's important to me, and I feel it's the most sane way to deal with sexual desires beyond monogamy. Asking to quit swinging is not a simple question and involves a lot more than casual sex.

[Tia Vampire 167]

Female half here. If my SO wanted to quit the life-style because he no longer wanted to have sex with people, then I could quit the sex part of the life-style, but I would still want to attend the parties. I love being social, dressing sexy, and really enjoy dressing up for theme parties. It's just being in the sexually charged atmosphere that really attracts me to the life-style. Sex is just a bonus for me, not a must. If he wanted to quit the parties also, we would not see eye to eye on that decision. Would I let his decision break us up, No.

[Chicup 41]

Swinging is a hobby and a hobby we do together. By definition swinging to us is a couples activity. As such if one bowed out the other would as well as it would no longer be 'swinging'.

 

Swinging bring US closer together. If it was no longer a force for good in our relationship, the logical thing to do would be stop doing it.

[Tina and Bob 236]

We would both do what the other wanted because we love each other and sacrifices are part of the commitment we have for each other. We do occassionally play alone and there are always peaks and valleys when one of us might be playing a little more than the other and that's never become a bone of contention for either of us. We both love the lifestyle but if Bob said stop, we would stop. Would I miss it, absolutely! I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

[LFM2 1,482]

I have to comment on some of the threads that say they one partner would not be willing to quit if the other one wanted to. I'm not saying they're wrong or right or anything like that... just that I'm surprised that more spouses wouldn't quit if the other one said they wanted to quit the LS. This is my opinion, but my marriage means more to me than playing on the side. I can certainly understand not wanting to quit because it's so much fun, but not really quitting because you don't want to? Wow. Now, if it was I that wanted to quit this hobby, I'd easily give Dave my blessings to continue, but for him to just say he wouldn't quit and would do it whether I gave my blessings or not... that would be crossing a line. Again, JMHO. Really, I shouldn't be surprised...

 

Like Chicup, this is a hobby to us. A couples hobby. No more, no less. If one of us wanted to quit, we'd both quit. Without regret. We would look back on our years of playing and say we had a hell of a great time and leave it at that. We might miss the hell out of playing with others, but we still have one great time together.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

would you be willing to give it up, if you could not persuade the reluctant one to continue?

I would drop the whole thing in a New York Minute. And I don't know that i would be trying any persuasion. If she no longer wanted to do it, that would be the finish for both of us. People use the word "lifestyle", I can think of no better word, but words like this can have their original meaning changed to fit a context. It's just something fun to which I can look forward for a Friday or Saturday evening.

 

Thanks for posing the question, BigRock. It's been interesting.

 

~Michael

[funcpl4life 51]

I called a halt to swinging about 6 months ago. Our home sex life was suffering badly and my wife seemed to need swinging to get off.

 

Also, the couple we swung with the most had really gotten into areas and attitudes that I (we) weren't interested in.

 

When I called a halt, I was VERY clear. My wife was still under the impression that she could swing with others just not that couple. I wasn't down with it. I was DONE with swinging. (still am) I took it pretty hard that she was going to go off and do what she wanted to do despite my objections.

 

I told her that she could do what she wanted, but I would too and that didn't necessarily mean that I would be home when she got there. We kept talking and our marriage is better than it ever has been.

 

I'm not down on swinging as a concept, just for us for the foreseeable future.

 

Your husband was probably disappointed that you put terms and conditions (still partying) with stopping swinging. You placed those friends ahead of him. (according to him) You also are putting yourself into a situation where violating his trust would be easy. Something is bugging him and it's time to make him feel comfortable (go at the pace of the slowest) until he feels secure in the relationship again.

 

My $0.02USD from a former happy swinger and a happy former swinger

Mr FC4L

[couplers 4,649]

Like Chicup, this [swinging] is a hobby to us. A couples hobby. No more, no less. If one of us wanted to quit, we'd both quit. Without regret.

 

 

Agree in part and disagree in part. One's sexuality goes deeply to who that person is, and being nonmonogamous is who we are. One doing an about face on sexual freedom would be such a change that it would alter the essence of our spouse or partner.

 

 

If on the other hand you do view it as only a hobby, then why ask a spouse that you proclaim to love deeply to give up a hobby? Hubby, my bf and our gf don't partake in the same activities or hobbies all the time, so if one of us wants to take a break from nonmonogamy, that's fine, but don't demand the others do the same. If you love your spouse he or she should be able to continue in the LS "without regret" on your part. As you may know, my bf has been monogamous with me for a long time and still is. We don't demand he play and he doesn't control the rest of my sex life.

[MN Tom 251]

For us it would depend on the reason. If one of us wanted to quit because we couldnt stand the idea of the other playing with other people anymore, that would be different than if one of us had enough of the social aspect.

 

Right now as it sits, the social aspect is a fun and somewhat separate part of the lifestyle from the sex part, at least for us. We may play frequently, but our play is with people whom we've spent a fair amount of time with, and almost never with people we just met. We aren't typical in that regard, we are more relationship oriented than most.

 

On the other hand we have the social gathering side, where we go out and socialize but really have no plans on playing due to babysitters/facility. Such as a bar meet, there is really no playing happening there, at most there is kissing and touching, and we just go to socialize with the people we've known over the past year.

 

So yeah, if one of us wanted to quit completely, we would. Cant say we would go back to total vanilla life though, we never really were and wont be anytime soon. And it would be hard on either of us for different reasons, some of which are flirting (which we both greatly enjoy), and contact. I like to massage, she likes to touch.

[Chicup 41]

I think the problem with this question is how one interprets quitting.

 

If my wife became a born again Christian and wanted to quit the lifestyle (of course) we would be in for a VERY hard time in our relationship.

 

If she felt we were just to busy and had no time for it, (which we are close to) then there is no issue at all.

 

If she felt it just wasn't fun having sex with others anymore, we would have a talk to be sure that was the reason and while I might be disappointed I'd respect it.

[LFM2 1,482]

Agree in part and disagree in part. One's sexuality goes deeply to who that person is, and being nonmonogamous is who we are. One doing an about face on sexual freedom would be such a change that it would alter the essence of our spouse or partner.

 

 

If on the other hand you do view it as only a hobby, then why ask a spouse that you proclaim to love deeply to give up a hobby? Hubby, my bf and our gf don't partake in the same activities or hobbies all the time, so if one of us wants to take a break from nonmonogamy, that's fine, but don't demand the others do the same. If you love your spouse he or she should be able to continue in the LS "without regret" on your part. As you may know, my bf has been monogamous with me for a long time and still is. We don't demand he play and he doesn't control the rest of my sex life.

 

 

 

 

I have to comment on some of the threads that say they one partner would not be willing to quit if the other one wanted to. I'm not saying they're wrong or right or anything like that... just that I'm surprised that more spouses wouldn't quit if the other one said they wanted to quit the LS. This is my opinion, but my marriage means more to me than playing on the side. I can certainly understand not wanting to quit because it's so much fun, but not really quitting because you don't want to? Wow. Now, if it was I that wanted to quit this hobby, I'd easily give Dave my blessings to continue, but for him to just say he wouldn't quit and would do it whether I gave my blessings or not... that would be crossing a line. Again, JMHO. Really, I shouldn't be surprised...

 

Like Chicup, this is a hobby to us. A couples hobby. No more, no less. If one of us wanted to quit, we'd both quit. Without regret. We would look back on our years of playing and say we had a hell of a great time and leave it at that. We might miss the hell out of playing with others, but we still have one great time together.

 

Which is why I would definitely give Dave my blessing to continue to play. I have no problem with him forging ahead in any journey he may want to go.

 

Maybe I misspoke, because I have no guarantee that Dave would quit forever if I chose to bow out. But, in any case, he can certainly do whatever he wants. I have no ownership over him.

[TheRedHalf 81]

If my wife is willing to embark on this journey with me, I must be ready to end it with her.

 

It's always been about us and it will end being about us.

 

[HappyCpl 89]

If my wife is willing to embark on this journey with me, I must be ready to end it with her.

 

It's always been about us and it will end being about us.

 

 

Mrs. H here...

 

I like the way you put that.

 

Mr. H and I have what we call "us" and "the other us"...but in the end...it is always about us, as well.

 

If Mr. H wanted to call it quits, I would quit in a second, never look back, and not miss it at all. I don't need to 'swing'. I do it because it is something we do together to enhance our sexual relationship.

 

If swinging no longer appealed to Mr. H for whatever reason, then it would hold no appeal for me. Even in everyday situations, I have found it impossible for me to really enjoy myself if I know he is not enjoying himself. I suppose,after all of these years, we are just that tightly interwoven...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would give it up. I would yearn for it, and I would miss it, but I would give it up. That said our relationship started based on his knowledge of my past swinging and my involvement with this site, so I'm thinking that for him to change enough to want me to give up all of that, there would have to be something major going on that would possibly make me question the relationship as a whole.