Close Friends in the LS

[socalers 29]

we are just getting started in the LS and noticed, purely by accident, that we have close friends on an ad site. suddenly all the subtle hints from them have become clear.

 

the problem is that we have no attraction to them sexually. they are great vanilla friends to us though. we had been considering posting our faces on ad sites now we're not so sure.

 

the fear is that they will see us on an ad site and see that as an invitation since they have been dropping subtle hints at us for awhile now. we really want to continue our vanilla friendship without hurting any feelings. but we also want to be relatively open on ad sites by showing our faces if possible.

 

how do we handle this? be open and let them know that we are entering the LS but there is no attraction? continue keeping it a secret to them and don't post our faces?

 

thanks for the help.

[divenaked 325]

With close friends, it's easy to say "We are looking at the lifestyle. But we don't want to take a chance on our friendship, so we have decided against playing with close friends."

[Tina and Bob 236]

I think what divenaked recommends is perfect. You should take the initiative and tell them first before posting your face pics.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

"No means No, no reason necessary" usually works well in the swinging world.

 

However...................

With friends that you know before getting into swinging, a little more diplomacy is probably needed. There's already a relationship there, and it needs to be protected.

I believe divenaked hit on the perfect way to handle it. It's simple, a reasonable and very practical excuse, and should take care of the issue with all feelings left intact.

 

I wouldn't be proactive about it. Post your ad pics, and wait until they actually make a move on you before whipping out the Friend Card. It may turn out to not be necessary at all.

 

Best of luck!

[TheSwingerSet 205]

I'm with drivenaked, this is one of those times where you need to jump in front of the bus to save future injuries. Let your friends know that you are in the lifestyle, but as drive said that you are not comfortable playing with friends because the friendship is way more important to you than getting your groove on.

 

On a similar note, whenever we see some one from vanilla life on a site or at a event we always say hi, it just eliminates drama!

[lustylearning 705]

There also may be a way to block them on the website. If you want to stave off questions to begin with, you could try that.

[socalers 29]

yes i think blocking them would be better. i would rather not have them reading our ad if at all possible and keep things according to the current status quo.

[socalers 29]

wow that was easy. now we can post our face pics and keep our friendship going along with the status quo. not that they will never find out. but i feel more comfortable this way.

 

thanks again!

[Nophix 39]

We're in a similar predicament right now. My best friend at one point had kind of hinted about a swap, with him and his prior fling. He's like a brother to us, and we want to keep it that way. We werent even considering swinging at the time, so it wasn't an issue.

 

Now, I would like to be able to tell him, simply because I would like to have someone I could give going-out info to in case something non-awesome happens.

 

I also see he has some ads still up on some of the sites, so we haven't posted any good pics yet.

[MN Tom 251]

Personally we would go with what divenaked said.

 

Yes you can block, but how will the friends act if they find out say 6 months or a year from now? Will they feel deceived in some way?

 

The thing about blocking is on most sites it doesn't block everything. Someone can quote you in their post, someone else can mention your names.. Most sites only block your profile from another profiles view, they dont eradicate every mention of you.

 

Just a thought. Keep in mind we dont know the relationship you have with your friends, so this may not work in your case either.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

There also may be a way to block them on the website. If you want to stave off questions to begin with, you could try that.

What heppens, then, when you bump into them at a swingers' club?

[Alura 2,774]

I believe we would have opened a conversation about swinging. We'd have covered the issues, explaining our feelings about the sport and our desire to maintain the friendship without secrets.

 

Perhaps, if they do swing, y'all could go to clubs or parties as a foursome. Just add an activity to what y'all already do together without having sex. Perhaps the lack of attraction will fade in the future and it will become an even more special friendship.

 

Alura

[Dont.Stop 339]

I dunno. This seems more complicated than it should be.

 

We all come across couples that the attraction is one-sided. We have plenty of couples we bump into where the attraction is not mutual. We still hug and kiss when we meet.

 

There's nothing wrong with not being interested. With all the self-confidence the LS gives you, it at the same time toughens your skin. You get used to rejection. it's not personal.

[Alura 2,774]

I'd agree with you, Don't.Stop, if they'd just met the couple. They described them as "close friends." I think we owe our close friends total honesty.

 

As I noted, that's the way we'd have handled it.

 

Alura

[lustylearning 705]

What heppens, then, when you bump into them at a swingers' club?

 

It's just one more tool that can be used, not a cure all.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think being open, honest and kind is the better way to go. Blocking them is easy, but doesn't really solve the problem. Telling them you value their friendship and are not interested in playing is perfectly acceptable. You may find that they can be excellent mentors to you. It is nice to have someone who is not a play partner to talk with. I'd encourage you to reach out to them as friends.

[LFM2 1,482]

I definitely wouldn't block them. People talk or you see them at a function and then they'll know you've blocked them and then feelings are hurt when it could have all been prevented with divenaked's suggestion. It's the first thing that popped in my head when I read the original posting, and then again, it wouldn't be lying (with us anyway) because we don't like awkward.

[BigNikki 43]

Big Nikki here.

 

The golden rule -- spotlights on the elephant.

 

When there's "an elephant in the room" -- which means,when there's something obvious that everyone is afraid of being spoken about, -- start by talking about the elephant and then move on the the real stuff.

 

Example: a friend came to me, telling me that another someone had a good romance with a guy but my friend knew the guy was triple timing. My friend though she should tell but was afraid of "shoot the messenger".

 

So I said, go to your friend, say you have something to talk about, but first, let's talk about shooting the messenger, then talk about the message.

 

It worked perfectly, getting the message delivered with clarity and sanity.

 

What comes next -- none of my friends business nor mine

 

-- Big Nikki

[lizandtom 512]

I dunno. This seems more complicated than it should be.

 

How do you know that they are even interested in sex with you? Maybe they just think you guys would be fun to hang out and attend venues with, but that's about it.

 

I think you're putting the cart way before the horse, and are overthinking this to a huge extent.

 

You go about your course, namely posting whatever you're comfortable with on the sites, and let everything happen at it's own pace. If they recognize you on there, then have a laugh about it and share some dirty jokes. They should know enough to pick up the signals of whether there's chemistry or not, and if they are not astute enough, simply tell them that you guys think they're great, but you just don't feel the chemistry, and that you hope it doesn't hurt your relationship with them. Honesty!

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

It's just one more tool that can be used, not a cure all.

 

I think what SPC meant was it could very awkward when you bump into them and they realize it was you that blocked them. Not to mention they may notice you blocked them and become even more curious.

[UserName123 15]

Just throwing this out there too... how would u feel if some of ur hotter or friends you could see yourself with as a sexual match pulled the blocking thing on you. Put yourself in your friends shoes. I think you'd prefer honestly as well if you just think about it from anothers perspective.

[socalers 29]

i guess in this instance i will be disagreeing with the majority of posters here. but i do appreciate everyone's feedback. our decision to block our friends from seeing our profile has nothing to do with relative "hotness,", weight, age, body type, sexual preference, etc. it has everything to do with the fewer people knowing about us in the LS the better. it has everything to do with maintaining vanilla relationships, even with our hottest of vanilla friends. we just are not attracted to any of our vanilla friends in that way and would like to keep our private lives as private as we can; even if those vanilla friends are in the LS.

 

and as far as any of our friends blocking us? honestly it wouldn't bother me in the least. i'm sure they would have their reasons as we have ours.

[sweet_tna 680]

i guess in this instance i will be disagreeing with the majority of posters here. but i do appreciate everyone's feedback. our decision to block our friends from seeing our profile has nothing to do with relative "hotness,", weight, age, body type, sexual preference, etc. it has everything to do with the fewer people knowing about us in the LS the better. it has everything to do with maintaining vanilla relationships, even with our hottest of vanilla friends. we just are not attracted to any of our vanilla friends in that way and would like to keep our private lives as private as we can; even if those vanilla friends are in the LS.

 

and as far as any of our friends blocking us? honestly it wouldn't bother me in the least. i'm sure they would have their reasons as we have ours.

 

You are, of course, perfectly entitled to take or leave any of the advice given here, but allow me to inject a bit of reality here. You said in your original post that

 

we have close friends on an ad site. suddenly all the subtle hints from them have become clear.

 

If they have a profile on an ad site, then they are not vanilla friends. Your wish to maintain a vanilla relationship with them does not change that. It is, therefore likely that you could run into them at an event or they could see something you posted elsewhere on the site. While someone blocking you with no explanation may not upset you, it could hurt your friends.

 

If they're the close friends you claim them to be, they deserve your honesty. Also, keep in mind, if they're not vanilla, they have as much to lose as you do as far as others knowing about your private lives.

 

Just my $0.05*

 

=)

 

*Rate increase of $0.03 due to inflation.

[socalers 29]

sweet,

 

i see your point. really i do. i wish we could be as forthright with them as people suggest. we are very new to the LS and our thoughts and feelings about it are still confused and evolving. we still find ourselves changing our minds about things on an almost daily basis.

 

i don't agree that they are no longer vanilla friends. they have no idea about us and, other than subtle hints from the hubby on the rare occasion (which comes across as him being facetious), our relationship with them is indistinguishable from that of a vanilla friendship. for now, we'd like to keep it that way.

 

they also know many of our other vanilla friends. i know they would be discreet. but i have been in other situations where secrets that were meant to be kept, were exposed through an accidental slip of the tongue. why take the chance? we'd like to keep the circle of people that know about our secret as small as possible. with that in mind, we've decided NOT to show our faces on the ad site. this is one of those situations where we've changed our minds several times.

 

thanks again for the thoughtful replies.

[UserName123 15]

the problem is that we have no attraction to them sexually.

 

This is why I asked "how would u feel if some of ur hotter or friends you could see yourself with as a sexual match pulled the blocking thing on you?" In your first post you didn't mention much about discretion. I just got the impression it was because you couldn't see yourselves as a sexual match.

 

But if it is for your discretion then by all means, do what you think you need to do.

[sweet_tna 680]

we are very new to the LS and our thoughts and feelings about it are still confused and evolving. we still find ourselves changing our minds about things on an almost daily basis.

 

This, I think, is the crux of your reason for wanting to block them. And in that case, I understand. Why put yourselves "out there" and take the chance that it may affect your friendship if you're not sure of what you want? That makes sense to me.

 

That said, allow me to clarify my point when I said your friends were not vanilla. I was referring to them as a couple, not your relationship with them. I understand that you wish to keep things vanilla with them, and that is entirely possible. Mr. Sweet and I are active swingers, and maintain vanilla friendships with others who are in the lifestyle. We recognize each other for what we are (fellow swingers), and enjoy each other's company, but do not make any attempts to play with each other.

 

Best of luck to ya'll in figuring this out.

 

=)

[Dont.Stop 339]

Mr. Sweet and I are active swingers, and maintain vanilla friendships with others who are in the lifestyle. We recognize each other for what we are (fellow swingers), and enjoy each other's company, but do not make any attempts to play with each other.

 

Best of luck to ya'll in figuring this out.

 

=)

 

Yes, yes, yes!

 

We have couples we've met at meet & greets that it's obvious we won't play together, but it's always a pleasure to see them. LS friends are great to have. For one, they are a lot more fun than vanillas, and two, you can talk about ANYTHING.

 

I also hope you figure out a way to work through it all.