First swinging experience went horrible! Oh please help!

[FullSwing 79]

My husband and I will be married 16 years in November. We have crazy fantastic sex together on a very regular basis. We decided to try out the swinging lifestyle and see how we liked it. We looked at the forums and spoke extensively about our boundaries and what we wanted. No friends, either singles (men for me or women for both) or committed couples, everybody in tune.

 

We went out last Friday and broke every single rule, way too drunk on top of it all. Got a hotel, each with a partner. Mine, a young guy, and his a casual friend we have known a long time. Being our first time, I was very in tune with what was going on on his side, but he was so damn drunk. When we were done, they were still going. They asked and knew we were done, but they continued on for another 15 minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I got up, turned on the light and got dressed. My husband was also getting dressed at this point. Told them I would be downstairs. They never came down. I waited awhile and started walking home. We were within about 2 miles. They never came. Got home and waited for 15 minutes and he finally came home and we fought, of course.

 

Upon further questioning it was finally revealed that while I was walking home, he took her to her place and they had sex again. I have asked him to move out until I can come to grips with it. We have had an honestly blissful marriage for so long. He has always put me and the kids on a pedestal and has never given me a reason to question his faithfulness. I snooped, with his knowledge, the phone and text records, and there was nothing. He is the man I thought he was, but WTF happened? I should never have left (drunk, duh) but I never questioned that he would be right behind me. It was never a matter of IS he coming, but WHEN.

 

He wants to come home, and has been crying for days. Has anybody been through this and come out the other side okay?

[BigNikki 43]

We haven't been through this, so in a way I'm completely unqualified to advise. Or you could say, we haven't been through this, so in a way I have an undistorted view of your situation.

 

Here' my advice and it's amazing that it isn't already being applied widely new-disaster stories.

 

You don't start out being an expert. You start out finding your way. So, very likely in this even, you didn't do it right. Who does things right the first time? Darned few of us.

 

So a lot of forgiveness should be handed out after a first time -- and it ought to be expected going in. After all, you didn't think you'd bumble and make a mess?

 

Don't think of first times as the do-or-die test, think of the first time as the time you're sure to make mistakes.

 

Too often out of these first-time experiences somebody did something "wrong" and the other one says "you've ruined it, it's over".

 

If John and I lived like that, I would never be allowed a second change to ski and he would never play cards again.

 

Lighten up folks. Think of what you were doing as an experiment. afterwards, well . . . . maybe you set rules; or maybe you just have a better idea of what to do withOUT rules. Maybe you learn you don't belong swinging. (One of John's school friends who we thought was good material, tried swinging with his wife and they came away having learning that swinging was really amazing and wonderful -- the most amazing thing they'd every encountered, yet they know it wasn't meant for them. (I'm not meant to be a pilot or a showgirl but that doesn't mean I walk away from flying or shows, with a sour heart.

 

If you have a relationship blow up over this, you missed the lesson.

 

And the lesson was: 1) maybe it's wrong for you ; or 2) maybe next time you'll get it right ; or 3) maybe one can handle it and the other can't -- so you need to negotiate what happens then.

 

And the talk. The talk. I pretty much can have pretty much one of three outlines: 1) screaming (which mean no solving of problems, just using a blow up to run-away from a problem ; or 2) silence where they're burying the problem waiting for the detonator; or 3) they do talk about it rather calmly, bring out the issues, minimize the drama, and face the issues -- which maybe they solve; and if they don't solve them, the walk away -- which is much healthier than blowing up and running away.

 

A LOT DEPENDS ON YOUR RESPONDING TO YOUR MISTAKES, FALSE STARTS AND BRUISED FEELINGS WITH LAUGHTER.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

What I find significant is that the word drunk shows up several times in this story. If alcohol powers an activity, you should stay away from either the activity or the alcohol.

[Nophix 39]

I know you can't change the past, but this is the exact reason I believe people should not go into a swing hammered. We all know there is a point of drunken stupor that will begin shutting down our action filters. I believe you guys hit that point, and rules were forgotten in the heat of the moment.

 

I would say look at this like a major oops on both ends, and let it go. Talk it over, and realize that he is still the same guy you married.

 

I would also say that if you pursue swinging, remember to keep yourselves clear headed. There is nothing wrong with a little liquid courage, but moderation is key.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Not quite understanding why you can be mad here. You both got drunk and broke your own rules. I guess because you finished first that makes his transgression somehow worse?

 

Stop, realize that you were BOTH in the wrong and recognize that you brought each other down this path. Forgive each other. Jointly arrive at a plan for any future encounters. And please, don't get drunk! That whole impaired judgement thing comes into play.

[couplers 4,649]

It was a drucken mess, but don't let this petty incident break up what you described as a blissful marriage with a great guy that puts you and the kids first. You wouldn't let a vacation disaster ruin your marriage, so don't let this. The solution is simple: as you take his clothes off, tell him you are madly in love with him. As you make love to him get to the point where you can laugh about the stupid stuff that happened that night. And don't run away from it, start to talk about how next time it will be great for both of you (starting by not drinking).

[feetinwater 15]

Hey there, I had a similar event happen with me and my great Fiance. I the female slept with our guy friend alone in another room while he and some women were in the other. Anyhow he had no chemistry with her. She left and I stayed with my date for three hours. Terrible.decision..It took a lot out of us. My fiance and I had this awkward vibe between us. it took about two months to completely move on. Friends aren't a good idea.

[Chicup 41]

I am not one to use alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior. I think the mental excuse of 'well I was drunk at the time' is used too often. Now your story seems pretty normal for a newbie couples first experience. Too much to drink, pushing boundaries to fast, and making a bad choice with separate play.

 

But then...

 

he took her to her place and they had sex again.

 

To me thats, well inexcusable drunk or not. Put a break on EVERYTHING until this behavior is explained and worked out.

[Alura 2,774]

Don't drink and drive, swing, or defuse improvised explosive devices. The results will not be pleasant.

 

"White man's poisoned water" is appropriately named.

 

Drop the nonsense of him moving out until the problem is solved. Y'all are both at fault. The problem will not be solved until you two are together (physically and spiritually) and can talk it out.

[MN Tom 251]

Yeah, the drinking merely serves as an amplifier of what you potentially would do but usually hold back from due to being sober.

 

It's like money, usually exposes the problems in a marriage.

 

Anyway, you both really need to sit and talk about this all, and figure out what you want to do. Moving out is probably a bit rash, yes I would say he really screwed up, but you both did to be honest.

 

People have been through this (and worse) before and gotten to the other side just fine. And people have broken up for less.

All depends on if you two can learn to communicate and not let things get out of hand.

[FullSwing 79]

I should say at first he lied and said he was caught up in the moment and stayed at the hotel and had sex with her. This was Saturday. Said he could stay and we would try to work things out. Did not want to alarm the kids. Monday he told the truth. They did get dressed, leave and go to her place. At this point I had to insist he go until I could get a grip on it. I can have an acid tongue, and I didn't want to continue tearing him down every time I saw him. I am feeling better and we are talking. I thank you all for taking the time to help me with this. Today was better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better still. Feeling more like I can get past it instead of sure I can't. Trying not to let him come back until I know I'm not going to punish him for it forever. I love him too much.

[exploringRM 305]

A lot of things can happen in the heat of the moment, even without the drinking. With the drinking, there is no reasonable expectation that one will walk the straight narrow. You both went into this with your eyes wide open. It's not like your husband went off on his own without your knowledge and had an affair. Yes he broke the rules (or I believe you both broke the rules), and you need to talk about that and get past it.

[Alura 2,774]

If you have an "acid tongue" it's my opinion that your husband will be far better off staying away. There's no excuse for that, in my opinion. To intentionally hurt someone verbally is reprehensible.

 

My brother, who has the world's worst taste in women, chose such a woman to mother his last child. When she gets angry, she says things like, "Your dick isn't big enough to keep me!" Thankfully, he finally learned in this case. She's gone.

[FullSwing 79]

oh God Alura! I would never say something like that. I love him and his dick! It's more bringing up what happened, not putting down.

[lizandtom 512]

Has anybody been through this and come out the other side okay?

 

You will learn patience over time, that even when you and your play partner are through (as unfulfilling as it is), you can give them some time to finish up.

 

Your 'down to earth' talk with him right now should be describing how you felt after you were done, and he kept going. That way next time he will know not to linger with his playmate for too long.

 

We've gone through that, and it caused some strife, but my wife explained how she felt afterwards, I admitted I was wrong to keep going after she said she'd like to leave (a small party of 8), and had been made much more aware of not disregarding her wishes, regardless of being 'in the moment' or not. That was 5 years ago and the last time it came up. In the meantime, we have been in multiple situations where she finished up, and I kept going, with her blessing, and vice versa.

 

Do not keep your husband at a distance; invite him back and start talking, CALMLY, and be just as good a listener as well as describing your dissatisfaction with how things went, and exactly why.

 

Your communication with him will be insurmountably more in-tune and on a greater plateau over time. Good luck.

[LFM2 1,482]

FullSwing, I'm curious how things have progressed at your house?

 

There are a lot of newbie mistakes and unfortunately, liquor is a big one that messes us the most. Let us know how you're doing.

[FullSwing 79]

I am so grateful for all of your posts. They truly did help me get a grip on the situation. I had him stay away from the house (only when I was home, he saw the kids) until Friday. I left work and made a beeline for the hotel he was staying in. When he opened the door, all the pain just went away. I think we made love twice before we even spoke.

 

We both made terrible mistakes, got drunk and broke rules. I just can't be away from this man! We both learned a great deal from the whole experience. Mostly, we are in love and can get forgive each other anything. We try not to dwell on the details of the situation and I have found it easier than I imagined to put it behind us.

[Meetussoon 68]

Right away you commented that although you were done they were not and you waited a whole 15 minutes its not about time or score. You could have watched or joined them. The walk out was a bad idea, we have had to drive the abandoned spouse home after a drunk wife left him at our house. Talk and sober up

[exploringRM 305]

Right away you commented that although you were done they were not and you waited a whole 15 minutes its not about time or score. You could have watched or joined them. The walk out was a bad idea, we have had to drive the abandoned spouse home after a drunk wife left him at our house. Talk and sober up

 

I agree. While the husband was wrong to take his playmate to her place and continue play, I get a little ruffled when swinger couples get upset because one finished before the other and the other did not stop then. It's not synchronized swimming. For me, part of the enjoyment I get out of swinging is that my wife gets to have fun. We have been with couples where they get upset that they mate is going longer and jealousy or what ever surfaces and we run far away from that. (as well as excessive drinking)

[Alura 2,774]

I am so grateful for all of your posts.

 

You'll always be welcome! The folks on this board are wonderful, aren't they?

 

We try not to dwell on the details of the situation and I have found it easier than I imagined to put it behind us.

 

Y'all need to "dwell on the details." Talk this through completely and don't forget to address the drinking issue.

[Dont.Stop 339]

I agree. While the husband was wrong to take his playmate to her place and continue play, I get a little ruffled when swinger couples get upset because one finished before the other and the other did not stop then.

 

+1

 

At a party we recently went to I disappeared with a woman leaving Mrs with a gentleman that she would later disappear with.

 

It was at least an hour after we were done that they resurfaced. I smiled at her and said "good for you!"

 

She explained... Well, his wife showed up and immediately passed out on the bed. We tried playing with her to revive her but nothing worked. We spent a good 30 minutes trying.

 

Even still, we shared our stories. It's part of the fun.

[LFM2 1,482]

I am so grateful for all of your posts. They truly did help me get a grip on the situation. I had him stay away from the house (only when I was home, he saw the kids) until Friday. I left work and made a beeline for the hotel he was staying in. When he opened the door, all the pain just went away. I think we made love twice before we even spoke.

 

We both made terrible mistakes, got drunk and broke rules. I just can't be away from this man! We both learned a great deal from the whole experience. Mostly, we are in love and can get forgive each other anything. We try not to dwell on the details of the situation and I have found it easier than I imagined to put it behind us.

 

I do hope you're going to stick around. I have to seriously mention Julie's Book: The Swinger Manual is a great one for those just starting out. I can't stress enough how much this would benefit every new (and even us oldies) swinger that comes around! It's worth every red cent!!

[Gordo 618]

So in the great Karma of Cosmic Bliss when your husband and his partner didn't finish on your schedule you threw a hissy fit, stormed out and walked home.

 

I almost don't blame him for taking her home and knocking off an undisturbed piece to make up for you wrecking the first one.

 

Both of you made mistakes but YOU started the subsequent train wreck.

 

Those profiles that read "No DRAMA" are meant for people like you. You don't belong in swinging.

[FullSwing 79]

Thanks, Gordo, for fucking it all up. I had some great, eye opening responses. It is NOT that I didn't know I had messed up. But, NO, what he did was exactly the opposite of what he should have done. It was my impression that we are supposed to help people with these posts and seek help when something gets really messed up. But you, you take the cake. You have done nothing but be spiteful and hateful. Take your crap ass advice elsewhere.

[SAVANDWIN 266]

Welcome to the classroom of swinging. Trust me no matter how much you talk with your partner or playmates new potentially problematic instances arise all the time. Until we are confronted with a situation ourselves we can't be sure how we will feel or how we might react. Swinging is a continual growth process, it takes a lot of communication both listening and hearing. So your first experience didn't go the way you had hoped but you learned something, chalk it up as experience. Next time use caution on the amount of alcohol being consumed , when we mix alcohol with unfamiliar territory someone is bound to stumble. Secondly might I suggest you seek out a true couple not just a partner for you both individually. Play on the same bed as your partner and be an active participant in their fun as well as your own. Next time one of you finishes before the other engage in their fun, make eye contact with your partner , lean over and whisper how hot you find it watching them, encourage them , tell them you love them and touch them the way you know they like to be touched........just get involved.

 

When people enter into the lifestyle they have all these ideals in their head to fulfill but the reality is it is filled with potential pitfalls and no matter how much you communicate issues are going to arise. It is how you settle them that will make the difference.

 

You learned 2 very valuable lessons already ;alcohol is best used in moderation when swinging and leaving ones partner is never a good idea.

 

I am sure your husband learned his own lessons including that when one partner wants to go the party is over.........no discussion! You have many more lessons to be taught and each is individual to the couple, there really isn't a how to book , there are only suggestions of what works for others. When emotions are involved no text book has a sure fire plan for successful swinging. Know yourself, understand your partner and set limits that work for the both of you. Most importantly be ready to forgive each other when things go less than ideal.

 

As for the forums you'll get a lot of good advice and many idiots who are just rude and mean...take it all with a grain of salt. Filter out what helps you and ignore the rest.

Good Luck to you both.

[Gordo 618]

Thanks, Gordo, for fucking it all up. I had some great, eye opening responses. It is NOT that I didn't know I had messed up. But, NO, what he did was exactly the opposite of what he should have done. It was my impression that we are supposed to help people with these posts and seek help when something gets really messed up. But you, you take the cake. You have done nothing but be spiteful and hateful. Take your crap ass advice elsewhere.

 

Sorry that upsets you so much but it seems everything does.

 

Almost every post you have made talks about what HE did wrong. And the punishment you were inflicting on him for HIS fuckups.

 

My "advice" simply put was to stay out of swinging you don't belong. I stand by that.

[SAVANDWIN 266]

Gordo,

A sorry followed by the word BUT isn't an apology at all. You're entitled to your opinion but I wonder what makes you an expert on deciding who should swing or not based on the limited information provided in a forum seeking help. Everyone makes mistakes every single day but hopeful we learn and grow from them and move forward to become better people. Surely you yourself have made many mistakes in your life . If you made a mistake on your first day on the job should you be immediately fired and made to find a different career? If you upset your wife should she divorce you? Contributing something helpful is one thing to act all knowing is quite another. Perhaps swinging isn't for them but that's not really for you to decide nor judge based on a single episode.

 

Mrs Sav

[FullSwing 79]

I sincerely apologize for my bad language. I have received a message from the board stating that I need to clean it up, etc. Gordo, you don't know me or us. My husband and I are working through a very difficult ordeal. We have a very long marriage and children we are trying to save. I simply needed some unbiased opinions from people who would know better than your average Joe. I have read and taken to heart every comment made here, and because of many of the more helpful ones, have reconciled and begun to move forward with my husband. If your only purpose here is to be hurtful and judgmental, please do not bother. To those who took time out of their day to honestly try and help us heal, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Gordo 618]

@mrs Sav - it wasn't really an apology. More like saying "have a nice day" a formality in speaking. Not what you really mean.

 

As far as deciding who swings and who doesn't it's a judgement call. My gut feeling is that if her hubby was here he'd tell us that "storming off" kind of behaviour is frequent. Unfortunately for better or worse it reminds me of someone else I have witnessed this with and the underlying cause of it. If I saw this thread in someone's profile I'd stamp it with a big AVOID!!! Is there ONE experienced swinger here who would meet up with these people after reading this??? Please post and tell me so.

 

Have we had a lot of experience with swinging... a decent amount. Have WE made mistakes...you bet but not at the cost of throwing a hissy fit over something. We sit down and talk things out if we make mistakes.

 

I would also point out not one person (that I can remember) has expressed any sympathy for the unknown partners here who were dragged into this and had to witness this meltdown. Where are they. Has she apologised to them for her behaviour or is THEIR experience with swinging forever coloured by what happened. If it was their first time just think how you'd feel if your swap partner or their spouse launched off like this.

 

Anyway I stand by what I said and it's unfortunate if that ruffles a few feathers. And there is no need to clean up the language on my account I have a very thick hide :-)

 

I'm finished with this thread. Good luck to fullswing in getting it back together.

[lizandtom 512]

Fullswing, if we quit swinging every time we had an issue to overcome in the beginning, we would have missed out on the next 4 dozen+ encounters, almost all of which have been great, including many encounters at Hedo (7th trip) 2 weeks ago. You two go at the slowest persons pace (yours it sounds like). Talk and talk and talk things out. You don't choose which emotions you feel, you just have them. Over time with experience, issues should diminish, so as long as you and your SO love each other and this is solely to have fun (and not to fix problems with your relationship!), and both are into this and no ones being dragged along; keep at it and learn along the way. As I said earlier, your emotions over time will lighten up and you'll be more patient in each and every circumstance.