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Chris&Amelia

If a couple breaks up do you continue playing with one of them as singles?

What should we do with Jane?  

99 members have voted

  1. 1. What should we do with Jane?

    • Continue playing with Jane. Forget about John!
      84
    • Dump 'em both!
      13
    • Wait and see if they get back together (tell us how long in the comments)
      6
    • Other (leave suggestion in comments)
      4


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Okay, here's a humdinger for you all.

 

A little background information. We've been playing with a couple by the name of John and Jane. We've only played with them a couple of times, but we all enjoyed ourselves and had fun with each other. John and Jane were not married, but were a long-time "committed couple".

 

We had a date to go out to the movies one night and hang out at their place when we got a message on the machine that they couldn't make it tonight. No big deal, we thought. They both had children from prior relationships, and things do come up.

 

But we didn't hear from them afterwards. E-Mails sent to both of their accounts revealed that they had a fight over undisclosed reasons, and we currently not talking to each other. Both swore that neither we nor the Lifestyle had anything to do with it. Both also told us that this had happened before, and after a cool-down period, they get back together.

 

While we tried to stay in contact with both of them, after a while John stopped answering our e-mails. Jane, on the other hand, kept in touch with us.

 

Jane finally wrote us one day, about two months after this all started, telling us that it appears that although she still cares for him, it appeared over between each other, and that she thought it was time to move on. But she mentioned that she would still like to play with Amelia and I in a 3-way capacity (both Amelia and her are bi).

 

I don't want to betray John, but he appears to have gone incommunicado on us. Jane's a fun person to be with, and fun to play with as well. What do you all think we should do?

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In my opinion, I think it depends on how you feel about playing with singles.

 

I'm not really sure I follow your thinking about "betraying John" as it did not sound as though ya'll had that sort of long term ongoing friendship as you would have with mainstream friends. Being buddies and that sort of thing.

 

I think as long as you are comfortable playing with singles and as long as you are realitively sure that she isn't using you as 'get back at John' tool, then why not?

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So just to recap: he's chosen not to maintain an open line of communication with you, while she's still talking, and still into playing with you and Amelia. She thinks the relationship's over, and that it's time for her to move on.

 

Fine. I don't see why you have to exclude her from your lives, social or play wise, or why you need feel any guilt over bringing her back into the fold. Nobody has acted with any impropriety, and a respectable span of 'cooling off' time has passed.

 

If you and Amelia both want to play with her in a 3some, then go for it. Life's short, and the clock is ticking.

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Ok...

 

I was trying to figure out how long they had been broken up...since it seems to me it is longer than the 2mos when she began contact with you again...

 

If they have a history of breaking up and getting back together ... I would hesitate ... what's their usual "cool down period" been in the past?

 

I guess that it depends on if there is the possibility that they MIGHT get back together again. Are either of them dating regular outside the lifestyle people? this might give an indication of how serious the break up is.

 

Rather than give a date or waiting period... why don't you outline your concerns to Jane and tell her you are willing but don't want to create hard feelings between them if she and John decided to give it another go.

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If they've truly broken up, would it be okay for each of them to date? If they can date,can they play?

 

We've know many couples that have split up, each and every one started dating again after a "certain" amount of time.

 

Is there a real difference?

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Originally posted by Botcpl

If they've truely broken up, would it be okay for each of them to date? If they can date,can they play?

 

We've know many couples that have split up, each and every one started dating again after a "certain" amount of time.

 

Is there a real differance?

I'd say 'no', there's no real difference. In fact, after the break-up of a strong emotional relationship, perhaps the last thing you'd want is to get into the dating game again right away, whereas 'playing' might provide a person with companionship and pleasure, but without the fear of having to make any sort of commitment.

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In our opinion there is no moral reason not to continue to play with Jane. You only need to assess the situation from the standpoint of whether or not you are willing to deal with the usual problems, if any in Jane's case, of playing with singles.

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There's a old rule that says...."Never date a friend's former partner"

 

Now I know that may not totally apply to your problem.

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Originally posted by naughty A

Ok...

 

why don't you outline your concerns to Jane and tell her you are willing but don't want to create hard feelings between them if she and John decided to give it another go.

 

Very smart advice...the communication with Jane is key...Let her know your concerns...may be she can help you with the answer.

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I would play with Jane. If john does not want her no more what’s the difference, besides Jane may find another john and you already have a in with a new couple

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Originally posted by naughty A

Ok...

 

I was trying to figure out how long they had been broken up...since it seems to me it is longer than the 2mos when she began contact with you again...

 

If they have a history of breaking up and getting back together ... I would hesitate ... what's their usual "cool down period" been in the past?

 

I guess that it depends on if there is the possibility that they MIGHT get back together again. Are either of them dating regular outside the lifestyle people? this might give an indication of how serious the break up is.

 

Rather than give a date or waiting period... why don't you outline your concerns to Jane and tell her you are willing but don't want to create hard feelings between them if she and John decided to give it another go.

 

Personally, I think Naughty got the best advice going on this one. The fact is--u only communicate with Jane--and you are doing that by email no less. you have not seen either one of them in two to three months. You don't know there history of break ups and get back together. And you are hearing only one side of the entire equation----I would have some real concerns with all of this. I think I would ask Jane---not specifically the details of what breaks them up time after time--but I would want to consider how many times--and when the incidence have taken place--and what causes the get back togethers.

You never know---there might actually be an issue of jealousy in there somewhere.

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You just have to ask yourself what you will do if they would get back together after you have been with Jane without John. And what would John do if he found out? People can get really crazy when it comes to divorce. I personally wouldn't want to get in the middle of anything.

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I would stay friends with Jane and John (if he ever contacts you). I would not swing with Jane or John unless they get back together or for a long time.

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Thanks everybody! You've given us a lot to think about. We're going to discuss it and let you know what we do.

 

Thanks again! :)

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Originally posted by Roxysbayou

You just have to ask yourself what you will do if they would get back together after you have been with Jane without John. And what would John do if he found out? People can get really crazy when it comes to divorce. I personally wouldn't want to get in the middle of anything.

 

I think where I see the difference here is that they WERE NOT married. While I have respect for all couples (married or not), Married couples who have split can bring on a lot of problems, legal or otherwise. Many relationships in which a couple lives together and they split up can do so without strings, such as financially, children, etc. and tend to make the break cleanly. Married couples will often draw back together for the same reasons that unmarried ones don't need to.

 

If they had been married and Chris and Amelia were best buddies with both of them, then my opinion would have been different. In their case though, they had only seen this couple twice and while they had fun with them, the probability of having grown close enough to create a loyalty to either one of them is low.

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We would continue to see Jane. Do you realize how hard it is to find a single female to play with?! Just stay out of the business between her and John. Perhaps things will eventually work out and you can be a foursome again one day. Just keep it light and fun...Happy Swingin'!:fun:

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Just my two cent's worth; given that the couple were not married, and that the guy has dropped out of sight and is not answering your emails, and if you really like this woman, go for it, and have a good time. The only thing I would do is not bring up the subject of John, let alone the circumstances of their breakup, unless she brings it up, and even then I'd just let her do the talking and pretty much keep any opinions you might have to yourself.

 

Sure, if they had been married, especially with children involved, that is a different matter entirely. As has been pointed out, emotions run high during divorce, and people get downright mean sometimes, and will go to great lengths to muddy the waters of their soon-to-be ex. But that is not the case here. So I'd just have your fun and enjoy yourselves, and just use a bit of tact where her ex-b/f is concerned.

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Well, we figure we would let everybody know what we decided to do. We've decided to give them both another month of a "cool down" period. We've also tried to reach out to John to see how he's doing, but he has apparently dropped off the face of the planet.

 

Jane is totally cool with our decision to put it on hold for a month, and she tells us she's eagerly awaiting the chance to play with us. Both Amelia and I also understand that, hey, Jane may end up dating somebody before the month is up, which would make her unavailable for us, but if she's happy, then so are we.

 

Thanks for the advice, everybody!

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Amazingly (WOW!!), I agree with almost everyone and can see good, solid rationalization in everyone's comments.

 

About the only thing I would have added, back in the beginning, is one final e-mail to John - trying to re-establish contact and communication. Many couples, married or "committed," go through these break-up things on an almost routine basis. If you "sided" with one, so to speak, and they later got back together, you might find yourselves in the position of being odd-man (couple) out. You could potentially lose the female playmate as well as the couple playmate. With the final e-mail to John, you would have given him and yourselves that last opportunity...

 

I'm curious, too. How did this turn out?

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I realize I have already posted and given advice on this subject, even started a similar thread, but about 2 weeks after I posted it happened to us too.

 

We had plans with our favorite unmarried couple. I had called and talked to her to confirm plans the night before. Everything was fine.

 

Something happened between the hours of probably 8pm and 8am. We got a call the next morning from her saying they had broken up. He had issues with the lifestyle and she was just offered a job somewhere else (7 and a half hours away). She said she was going to continue in the lifestyle and get on with her life even though she loved him. It was not a bad break up. They are very civil to one another...a week later they were back to sleeping together again.

 

We stuck by them and said we would respect each of their wishes. We had a 3 some with her. We will continue to see her when we can. We will travel to see her, she will come back to visit, and there's always meeting half way. She's too good a friend to just give up because she's having relationship problems.

 

He, on the other hand, has worked out some of his issues with the lifestyle (see another thread). He still likes us and wants to be with us, so eventually there will be another 3 some (MFM) since he still lives here. We are very patient with him though.

 

Maybe one day all four of us with be together again. Either way, both of them are still good friends of ours. Take that into consideration and don't shut them out.;)

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Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

I'm curious, too. How did this turn out?

 

 

I'm glad to say that it worked out well. We gave them a little more time to get back together, and made a last attempt to reach out to John. He never replied to us, so we discussed it with Jane. After deciding that we were all cool with it, we made a date with Jane.

 

The date went very well. After dinner, we went back to the hotel, at which point I was jumped by Jane. I won't go into details, but she confided that she hasn't been with a man since she broke up with John, and the she "really needed to come". Of course, we took care of that for her. Several times.

 

We're probably going to hook up next week.

 

Thanks for the advice, everybody!

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Like I always say "A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand" , or is that "Two in the bush is worth one in both hands" ?

Somethin like that, glad it worked out for you!!!

J

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Thanks for posting the update. Great to hear that the situation has worked out so successfully for you.

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John has apparently made his choice, and in so doing has decided FOR you. We say go for it with the person who is obviously interested in being with you.

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We're been a similar situation. In our case, the couple broke up but the male has maintained contact, the female has not. He has told us that he doesn't want to pursue anything further with us unless he has another female who can join us. So we've respected that and are basically, waiting to see what happens. We're not going to push the issue. When he is ready, he knows where to find us. As far as the female is concerned, we wished her well and have severed ties. It's not fair to punish Jane, just because John has refused to maintain communication. Have fun with your 3some and if she finds another male to join you, so be it. Live life to the fullest.

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Am I missing something here? Did John take his ball and go home? If that were the case, then we'd dump 'em both since we only play as a couple WITH couples.

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Figure we'd post an update. Jane has since found a guy, and they're now a steady couple. Our playing with Jane, as such, has ended.

 

It was fun while it lasted!

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