Cheating to swing?!

[Dont.Stop 339]

Saw the profile.

 

She's good looking. No pictures of the other half. I don't usually contact couples when there is only pictures of one half (yeah, this does limit my interactions a LOT, but I don't think I should have to ask for a picture of the male half). If at least there is a face-obscured picture I'm okay. But nothing.

 

So I messaged her on SLS. Said we may be interested, would like to see pics.

 

She opens up her galleries, and asks for same. So I do. So far, so good.

 

Then he gets on the next day and inquires about a meet & greet that Mrs. and I will be attending tonight. Maybe we'll stop by, he says.

 

He goes on to say that the two of them are not married... he is in fact married to her friend, but wife doesn't know about their play. Wants to know how the people at the meet & greet will feel.

 

Buddy, I don't know about anyone but us. And it's a non-starter for us. Thanks anyway.

 

At least he was... honest.

 

He appreciated my honesty back. He also declined the meet & greet.

 

Sigh.

[slevin 1,374]

Wow. We have run across a few married-but-not-to-each-other cheating swingers. We've never run into one where the guy was swinging/cheating with his wife's friend behind her back. The only thing more drama-inducing that I can think of would be swinging/cheating with your wife's sister!

[Chicup 41]

Wow. We have run across a few married-but-not-to-each-other cheating swingers. We've never run into one where the guy was swinging/cheating with his wife's friend behind her back. The only thing more drama-inducing that I can think of would be swinging/cheating with your wife's sister!

 

We ran into this once directly. They were open about it on their profile. I told them nicely why we were not interested. They removed the "married but not to each other" from their profile.

 

We have seen a good number of daytime only swingers, during the week, I'm assuming it's a similar situation.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Can't say we have ever run into it, but I do have a shorter label for it - cheating.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

At least he was... honest.

 

I am beginning to think that some are "honest" because they think it will help them get together with another couple.

 

One couple told us their situation, both married, but not to each other, and the spouses did not know. He got angry that we would not give them credit, i.e meet & play, for "being honest" with us.

[Dont.Stop 339]

"non-consensual non-monogamy" is the term I lifted from the book "The Ethical Slut". A decent read btw. Maybe I should have offered it to them.

 

On the other hand, the meet & greet was the most fun we've had clothed in some time.

[MN Tom 251]

Glad when they are honest about it, but it's not our cup of tea either.

 

We met a couple that are both mixing it up on the sides (both married to different people). They didn't come out and say it, but they alluded to it by mentioning during scheduling discussions that they were only free 2 nights of the week and only during certain hours. That is a big indicator to us, so we snagged on that and asked why, and then they said it. And then they said both of their spouses know and are ok with it, and for a nanosecond we were tempted to ask to confirm, but decided that it was too messy for us to handle.

[tagteamit 20]

Seems like a good way to get shot. That non-aware spouse is not consenting to this. Drama inducing...

[BigNikki 43]

There's cheating -- and each of us decides what we think of it.

 

Then there's open cheating -- what the heck are we supposed to think of that?

 

My head spins.

 

Give me an open marriage any time. (We give everyone an open marriage all the time -- ours.)

 

Hopefully a happy open marriage, but I'll consider playing with an unhappy one.

 

You gotta wonder -- at least I gotta wonder -- if some cheating spouses aren't in open-but-won't-admit-it-to-ourselves marriages.

 

I wonder, but I don't want to find out; just go away from me, thanks.

[wifes_toy 53]

I don't feel it is our responsibility to smoke out a cheater. Unfortunately the spouses don't get it is not US cheating. If they are pissed they could take it out on us (or our car.) I have seen at least one beer bottle through a back window (not ours fortunately.) So while we don't look that hard if we get wind of it we are out.

[Just Passing By 140]

Some people do work nights, weekends, etc. Having other than conventional schedules does not make people automatically into lying cheaters.

[larry818 58]

We have seen a good number of daytime only swingers, during the week, I'm assuming it's a similar situation.

 

Or they have small children.

 

We go to the 'single males invited' party only because it happens on Sunday and the middle of the day.

[BigNikki 43]

Big Nikki here.

Having other than conventional schedules does not make people automatically into lying cheaters.

 

Sure, but it raises a caution flag, a reason to check things out a little more.

 

I agree with folks who sense danger signals; and I agree with folks who say don't tar me with a brush of assumption that I'm doing wrong.

 

And I hope folks aren't too quick to condemn or too quick to feel unfairly judged.

 

What did the the day-sergeant say on Hill Street Blues? Something like "let's keep it safe out there."

[BigNikki 43]

Big Nikki here.

And I hope folks aren't too quick to condemn or too quick to feel unfairly judged.

 

I failed to emphasize the point I was trying to make, so here's another go at it.

 

If you look at the Myers-Briggs poll on this site, asking folks about which of the 16 personality categories folks fit into, you'll see the two most common categories among us are INTJ and ENTJ.

 

That means, diversity in the (I)ntrovert - (E)xtrovert spectrum, but lost of commonality in the other three factors. Note the J. We're relatively Judgemental.

 

To me, that's a cautionary signal. Here on this board, we should be cautious about our tendency to jump to judge folks. Which, maybe, there's a touch of above.

[Playful1 434]

I'll be the first to admit, I've played with folks who were cheating, and knew they were before we played. So have several people I know. I have yet to have an issue. Not saying it won't happen, but I never rule someone out just because they are cheating. They only get ruled out if they are so paranoid that that itself creates drama.

 

Most of them are short lived acquaintances, rather than long term friends/playmates.

 

I also don't ask a lot of questions that might bring it up, so I am sure I've played with more than I am aware of. I generally leave my questions to things like "how did you guys meet?" and from there we go into what we like to do. That's just because i don't care what the relationship status is between them (i.e. FWBs, just there together tonight, married, LTR with no marriage, etc). Be attractive and fun, and I'm good to go, lol.

[BigNikki 43]

Big Nikki here

I'll be the first to admit, I've played with folks who were cheating . . . Be attractive and fun, and i'm good to go . . .

 

Very sensible, very pragmatic, and . . . very non-judgmental.

 

Plenty of us in the world will avoid or dog people who don't live up to our standards (of various kinds) including dogging cheaters.

 

Ethically right, but . . . .

 

Life is complex and we all do lots of things that are less than ideal by some standard.

 

John and I, yes, avoid cheaters but I won't criticize anyone who doesn't. Playful's approach is quite level headed.

 

As previously soap-boxed on various threads, we probably should work on being less judgmental.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

For us, we don't have to get into the morality or ethics of playing with cheaters.

 

The fact that not playing with cheaters lessens the odds of one of us dying from sudden onset lead poisoning is enough to make our minds up for us prior to debating whether it's right or wrong.

[Alura 2,774]

For us, we don't have to get into the morality or ethics of playing with cheaters.

 

The fact that not playing with cheaters lessens the odds of one of us dying from sudden onset lead poisoning is enough to make our minds up for us prior to debating whether it's right or wrong.

 

Yep! It happened here in Tulsa recently. Boyfriend is dead; wife is seriously wounded; husband is in jail.

[sweet_tna 680]

Yeah . . . We steer clear of the "married-but-not-to-each-other" folks. Too often, the spouses don't know about it. And if they do know and aren't inclined to be a part of the ls, to me that says the other halves shouldn't be going outside the marriage at all.

 

That said, we've seen profiles of these folks, but not actually run into any in person. I'm okay with that.