Intimidating Experience/Age Differences

[CollegeCouple24 232]

Hey there!

 

We're kind of frustrated that this is our first post here...this place has been THE guide for us for the past...geez, 3+ years (well, for my boyfriend, then us both for the past 2 years). We followed a lot of your advice to the 't' for the most part. We eased our way in by attending two off-premise swinger events in our city to meet couples, we have a list of 'do's and don'ts', and my boyfriend was extremely patient for over a year and a half while he worked to get me interested in swapping. In other words, while I wasn't initially receptive, I definitely warmed up to the idea and we tried to be careful.

 

Ill try and keep this short, my boyfriend should really be writing this because I have a tendency to get into too much detail, but we recently had our second full swap experience and it was a bit overwhelming to say the least The point of our post is to have some impartial opinions of what we did wrong, although we have a few ideas already but really would like to prevent this happening again.

 

We recently bought a car to explore the area around our city and hike, camp and do mostly outdoors activities to relax and get away on weekends.We responded to a typical ad on Craigslist placed by a couple who lived close to an area we planned to hike on a Sunday thinking maybe we could forgo sleeping on the ground this particular weekend; but we brought our equipment just in case.

 

The couple was much older than us (~15 years) but this is what we've come to expect in the lifestyle outside the city (and even inside it for the most part) and we're not really put off by it. I spoke with the other woman after our second email back and forth and I really mean this without judgement but in all honesty, I just had the impression she was kind of, ugh, trailer park...ish. Nothing was said to put me off though and I felt OK with it since it was so convenient and it's been a long time since our first swap and that had gone well. We exchanged pictures afterwards and they sent a G rated photo from a bar and it confirmed my suspicion but they weren't unattractive to us.

 

We drove out to their place and it was really rural, not suburban but rural, but we knew this from Google Maps beforehand...this isn't a red flag, is it? It was about...we're thinking 5:00pm when we arrived there, but we can't remember exactly. It was a "ranch" house and they were both sitting in a garage not attached to their house drinking beer. When we got out, they stood up and struck us both as country people...not overly friendly nor standoffish, but curt and straightforward; but maybe they were just nervous...we were definitely, very nervous and I'm very, very shy by nature so my boyfriend steers the conversation for the most part. They pulled up chairs and gave us beers (Im not a big fan but didn't want to be rude) and we sat and chatted.

 

We weren't sure how this was going to go, but it didn't appear we'd have dinner or anything (we ate something small on the drive up). The man looked like he was working on their car or something earlier in the day, which was a bit off putting...but we were both super sweaty from being in the car for 3 hours so, in retrospect I don't think I can complain about that!

 

Phew, anyways! Sorry if we're drawing this out. To get to the point, when we went inside, we hadn't discussed limits, but everything started happening pretty quickly. After I sat on their couch, the other woman had turned my boyfriend a bit so he wasn't facing myself and her husband and started to give him a blowjob. The other man had taken off his jeans and had put a hand on my head and was fiddling with a stereo remote with the other when I learned he had a very, very large penis. It wasn't hard and already longer than most men I've been with. He turned on their stereo and had music louder than I'd prefer but I started giving him a blowjob and felt sort of cornered. I didn't feel threatened, but it was really early to get a surprise like that. He had both hands on my head at that point and was rocking a bit, but each time I looked up he had his eyes closed and was looking at the ceiling, occasionally he would reach down and squeeze my boob and I tried to just go with it because I was already feeling like I had to play catch up to get in the mood; his wife had her shirt off and was already getting up from her knees.

 

I ended up having to blow him for a long time before he put on a cock ring to finally speed things up. He had sat down on the couch and I had my shirt off by then and was on my knees in front of him when my b/f is saying he say his size for the first time and was taken aback. I didn't see him looking at me or even remembering him finally facing me, so he's saying he thought I was fine with it since I hadn't said anything and had already been blowing him for 10 minutes.

 

Sorry, but I feel like a play by play is no longer necessary so, we're just recapping anything that we feel helps answer the question at this point.

 

When his wife and my b/f had started to have sex, she became pretty chatty with a tinge of competition. For example, she would ask her husband if "that college girl" was enough for him while I was giving him a blowjob (we weren't in college, but our email is from when we started researching the lifestyle). My b/f said they would fuck harder after some of her comments and she made it clear she liked it a bit rough; but in my opinion this encouraged her. He says she made a few comments about my breasts (they're small, hers are large) but I didn't hear them. Probably from the ringing in my ears from their music and sweating profusely from having to give this man a blowjob for so long.

 

When he was finally erect, he turned me to get into doggy almost facing his wife in the same position with my b/f on the floor. This was a bit awkward as neither of us are bi or interested in being bi, but I soon forgot all about that. This was probably the most flagrant red flag for us as it set the tone for the rest of the experience and very rough in our opinion. He had been rubbing his penis on me and slapping my butt with it when I felt one hand strongly secure my hip and the other on my shoulder pulling me back towards him. When he inserted himself, it was a lot further than I'd expect and while I pulled forward and said something, I don't think it was heard over the music. He continued to work it in pretty aggressively but it always seemed to be just to the brink of me screaming and then pulling back a bit. He eventually worked himself to where he had his arm completely around my stomach and his other hand on my opposite shoulder.

 

Throughout the experience, I was under the impression the other woman wanted to compete. Usually this was through trying to bring me into a moaning competition or provoking statements. She did call me a bitch once and I said the same to her at that point; but I felt I had to stick up for myself. My boyfriend never left the room, despite her trying to bring him into their kitchen several times.

 

Finally, we're on the fence about this but I feel I'm the one who gets the say in it. I felt that there was a face fucking session between the other man and I that didn't last long, but nonetheless happened. My b/f says he didn't think it was, but I equate him thrusting and holding my head with face fucking. How does this even happen during a swap????

 

For everything that went wrong, I did have a good time on top and that generally made up for a lot of the other man's aggressiveness because it was, to me, a very unique feeling. While some of this seems to be very obvious in retrospect, I particularly feel that they happened too far apart from one another to really push us over the edge. We feel that we got stuck in a bad situation and were too intimidated to stand up and walk out

 

Do you agree? Did we do anything wrong from the 'get-go' or should this have been called during the swap? We're not completely put off to swinging, but this is a major blow for us and we'd like to do what we can to prevent it in the future.

 

Thank you for everything!!!

[Chicup 41]

Never met at someones house for the first time if you want an easy escape.

 

I think that was your issue.

[CollegeCouple24 232]

We swear we spoke about that at some point in our decision-making process! But, we're not in the lifestyle for the social aspect and felt that at some point (especially if we kept considered swinging outside the city) that we'd have to forgo that rule.

 

Thank you for the feedback! We're thinking that one is especially applicable here, but can be broken depending on how the couple feels about the situation? Our jury is still out on that one

[two4youinswva 3,068]

The point of our post is to have some impartial opinions of what we did wrong, although we have a few ideas already but really would like to prevent this happening again.

 

I think Chicup has hit on the number one takeaway, but I'd like to hear what you would do the next time, or what you'd do if you had it to do over.

 

Oh, and we're glad to hear that this board has been so helpful for you two over the past few years.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I think it started before you even decided to meet them at their house. You thought they were maybe trailer park...ish and felt they were unattractive from the beginning. Usually it doesn't get better if they haven't made a good first impression. I think the fact they were in a convienent location made it so you could talk yourself into hanging in there to hope for improvement. Essentially you now have that icky feeling of what taking one for the team is like. I've been there/done that and almost dropped out of the lifestyle because of it. When you learn that if you're not excited by what you see or what you hear, it's probably not a match and you need to move on before you dig a deeper hole. When you both excited by what you see and hear then that's when you seize the opportunity.

[CollegeCouple24 232]

This board has been our go-to for advice for the most part. We feel kind of bad not contributing though but we don't feel we're in a position to make recommendations! ha. The 'Getting Started' section was particular helpful as my b/f would reference it early on in our discussions.

 

We certainly agree that the location makes a big difference. If we hadn't been at their house, the music would be non-existent or not so loud, we probably would have been in a place with cell reception, and maybe they wouldn't have felt so comfortable. But, for us at least, it feels like a big thing to give into. Is it reckless or just poor judgement to meet at someone's house? We, well him more than I, but we both like the excitement of it and that plays a big role. We're just having a hard time saying realistically that we'll never meet at someone's house first for a swap; we do agree its generally probably not the best idea though.

 

Next time, to be honest, we'll either be inquiring about a nude photo and/or definitely measurements. We feel that requiring a nude photo is rude and in this instance, he probably could have said four inches shorter than his length and I wouldn't have remembered when he took his pants off anyways. Or provide a photo while soft...it just seems like its not a sure-fire solution...but we're just looking to minimize risk so, maybe its a good idea? Unfortunately, it just so happens my b/f (as it seems a lot of men are) was interested in the other man being well endowed. By not objecting early on, he felt I implicitly consented and while he's not sure if he'd have openly brought up the subject when he saw the man's size, if we had caught each other early on about it then he may have said something when the man was more aggressive.

 

Thank you so much for the replies! We don't actually have swinger friends so, its helpful to get an outside perspective.

[CollegeCouple24 232]

Thanks lil!

 

Sorry, we wrote they 'weren't unattractive'. We found them attractive for the most part and phrased it poorly.

 

You are spot on about the rest though. A missed opportunity seems to weigh heavier than good judgement sometimes. Although, prior to actually speaking with them, neither of us can say we definitely felt 'hopeful' but more like this would be 'different'. If that makes much sense.

[exploringRM 305]

We swear we spoke about that at some point in our decision-making process! But, we're not in the lifestyle for the social aspect and felt that at some point (especially if we kept considered swinging outside the city) that we'd have to forgo that rule.

 

Thank you for the feedback! We're thinking that one is especially applicable here, but can be broken depending on how the couple feels about the situation? Our jury is still out on that one

 

If not in it for the social experience, then perhaps what you experienced is what you get for that method of playing? No saying anything was wrong with that.

[lustylearning 705]

Eh, sounds like a more neutral place to meet might have worked better for you (hotel, for example). Also sounds like her personality rubbed yours wrong. It happens. I've been put off by the way people talk during play before. They think it will turn their partner on or it turns them on, etc.

 

Overall, it sounds like an experience you can learn from... You know better what makes you uncomfortable.

[CollegeCouple24 232]

Well, if location really seems like the pivot point then we'll take a closer look at our views about it. We just felt there may have been more to it, but maybe lusty is right Maybe I just need thicker skin it sounds like. I prefer to be very submissive with men, but that was a first with the other woman. It was a bit humiliating, which I'm not fully opposed to and my b/f and I sometimes practice; but a lot of it seemed to be out of our control and coming from left field; maybe I just gave off that vibe. If it were less of a surprise, I may have handled my end better.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Agree.....ALWAYS meet in neutral territory for the first time. Think of it as a date. You wouldn't meet your "date" at their home for the first time would you. It would be more like dinner and drinks right? Same holds true

[CollegeCouple24 232]

Given the circumstances, we thought it was OK to meet at their house out of convenience. Everything said about location makes sense! We just thought this was a rule that could be bent.

[sexcupid 809]

I agree with the other posters that agreeing to meet at their house in the middle of podunk no where was probably not the smoothest move (convenience be damned). Meeting them some where else could have given you an easier out, but if you had a good vibe, then adjourn to their home to play. Heck, meeting at a Starbucks or corner bar just to have a chat for a bit before going for playtime. Not saying you have to be BFFs to go play, God knows that's not our MO, but it helps to see if you like them well enough to want them to take their clothes off.

 

But the location was not the biggest red flag for me in this situation...it was the fact that no limits/desires were discussed. This could have eliminated some of the uncomfortable parts of the event. You also asked:

I felt that there was a face fucking session between the other man and I that didn't last long, but nonetheless happened. My b/f says he didn't think it was, but I equate him thrusting and holding my head with face fucking. How does this even happen during a swap????

You can argue semantics all day...maybe your boyfriend's point of reference is porn face fucking (which is usually rough, slobbery and lots of gagging) compared to a guy who just likes what's happening and doesn't want you to stop so he puts a hand on your head and starts moving in and out to 'help' so to speak (similar to the way most men grab hips when going in from behind, it holds their partner in place).

 

But the fact is, how is the other couple supposed to know that they are doing something out of line if they have no idea what the line is? Are you and your bf in agreement on the boundaries? Although there are lots of times that you may not even know a limitation exists until it has been crossed and you feel uncomfortable.

 

Good luck and glad the SB has been helpful to you

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Perhaps for city people a rural location is intimidating, but for rural folks it's not. We live in a very rural location with a quarter mile driveway, very private, and I suppose, very intimidating for city folks. Yet just this past Sunday the female half of a couple drove up alone to meet us for the first time. It was for conversation only, a meeting to get to know. Perhaps here in the relaxed hills of Vermont trust is a bit different.

 

The red flag for your situation is communication. You didn't. They weren't "trailor trash" since they lived in a ranch house, a very common house style rurally. You had time sitting outside to discuss rules, preferences, and whether you wanted to go further. Inside my first comment would have been "Could you turn down the music?" If that was a problem for them, you could have walked. It doesn't matter where you meet, you have a car and you can leave at any time.

 

You could have said "I don't want to suck on that." No means no. Competition is for those who want to compete. You don't have to. The important thing is to always take the freedom to say no thanks. It's the number one rule of play. Number two is communicate.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

The main benefit of initial meetings on neutral territory is that everyone still has a gracious exit while compatibility is being explored and ground rules are made apparent.

 

Traveling to someone's home can send ambiguous messages and create unmatched expectations that inevitably leaves someone uncomfortable.

 

Leaving yourself a gracious 'out' until you're convinced that 'all in' is your choice seems wise.

 

Regardless, if either of you ever thinks things are not going well, exit. A hasty exit is the least costly outcome.

[WildMiCouple 325]

CollegeCouple, I think your first mistake was looking on Craigslist for meeting other swingers. A one or two line free ad, typically without pics, just begs of fringe swingers. Instead, use one of the sites like SwingLifeStyle or Swappernet. You actually have to put some thought and effort into your ad with age, body size, preferences and the like. And to further discriminate for your type......they have pics and certifications.....and a fee if you're really serious about meeting others Although not perfect by any stretch, they are certainly leaps and bounds better than Craigslist. Kinda like shopping at Walmart for your wedding dress. Sure, you can find something that you can wear.......but I'd bet you'd find something you'd be happier with at the wedding dress store down the road

 

Better luck next time

 

Brett

[CollegeCouple24 232]

Thanks! We also felt that communication was severely lacking between us and between ourselves and the other couple, more my fault than his but both at fault; thanks cupid and L. We were going to ask about CL since it felt a bit shady...good analogy Wild

 

For us, the takeaways were to be more mindful of location, set aside time to go over any rules beforehand (we had planned this, but things had moved quickly once we got inside), and consider alternative ways of meeting couples...other than Craigslist.

[twistedpretzels 100]

although you all wanted to swing I guess your 'sexual chemistry' was different... it happens and it is a bit disappointing. o well.

[twistedpretzels 100]

Also..... Pete and I met a cpl one weekend and had a great dinner with them and had plans to 'really meet' the following weekend. Well during the week between conversations and expectations I was feeling them less and less. I told Pete that maybe I was just feeling fickle and we should meet for dinner as planned. And if I was still NOT feeling it I would just signal Pete and go on to tell them (DESPITE THIS BEING QUITE HARD AND AWKWARD) that although I was expecting a hook up with them that I was sorry I 'wasn't feeling it any longer'. I made my apologies etc etc. It was a bit of a bummer all the way around but we were pleased with how we handed it. (My feelings ended up being right on. As we parted and said good bye the guy cops of feel of my tits. I guess in his world no doesn't really mean no. bleck.)

[Just Passing By 140]

Nothing inherently wrong with rural. There's plenty of rural people who would feel uneasy in huge city.

 

Other than the insurance against Jack The Rupper situations , first meeting locations and communication issues are intermingled. The bottom line is to size everyone up as to desireability and compatability , desires , expectations , and limits.

 

Meeting on nuetral ground , even if in close proximity to their home turf , gives more oppertunity to get to know them and comunicate. And allows more graceful way for either side to back away.

 

If you should decide to initially meet at their place , it is your responsibility to quickly move the conversation to ( the above) . If you don't you are at the risk of being swept along into an uncertain situation.

 

Still not "recomending" to meet first at their place, just pointing out.

[CollegeCouple24 232]

Thanks for the encouragement, pretzels I applaud your convictions too, it would have been difficult for me to dismiss a couple at that point in the process. We hear you on different chemistry too; due to the age difference we figured we would be the ones pushing their boundaries but wow, was that a poor assumption!

 

And thanks Passing! Just to clear it up, we hated to describe them that way because it sounds like we have a discriminatory attitude towards people who don't live in a city! We don't though and prefer the new experiences and personalities

[MN Tom 251]

... (My feelings ended up being right on. As we parted and said good bye the guy cops of feel of my tits. I guess in his world no doesn't really mean no. bleck.)

 

This part is just classic.

 

One of the few couples we try to avoid at large gatherings has a guy like this.

 

On one hand he will be almost bragging about how most guys arent gentlemen and that they dont ask before touching and all that, and because he's a gentlemen he gets all the hottest SF's, meanwhile his hands are all over some gal who is obviously not interested in being touched.

 

My wife had to tell him no twice to get him to stop, the last time she said "ok Ill say this very clearly, and if it happens again Im going to say it very loudly. Please dont touch me, Im not interested in you in that way"