10 Signs of Impending Divorce, and #1 is Swinging!

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Mindy R. Smith: Ten Signs Your Marriage is Headed for Divorce

 

Just accept the inevitable and get the best divorce lawyer you can find on retainer now, because according to the author, if you are a swinger, you ARE headed for divorce.

[angelkin 1,326]

"It begins when one spouse has fantasies of 'swinging' but the other spouse does not. The unwitting spouse gets sucked into this lifestyle by promises of good sex and a happier marriage. It often leaves the less enthusiastic spouse feeling guilty, less attractive, and vulnerable."

 

Well, yes, if swinging is entered into with one party being interested and the other getting "sucked in" the marriage is probably doomed. Would you all agree? However, if entered into willingly with lots of communication, I feel swinging can strengthen a relationship.

 

I know for us, we have a deeper appreciation for one another and our relationship is better than ever!

[gruntman 10]

Every swinger I know is divorced at least once.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Every swinger I know is divorced at least once.

 

I know quite a few who haven't been yet, but given the divorce rate in this country the likelihood of any couple getting divorced is pretty high and if we are talking about a couple where both are on their first marriage, the likelihood is even higher.

 

As we've said here many times, swinging will ENHANCE your relationship (in whatever state that relationship already exists). If it's a great relationship built on trust and communication that will be enhanced. If it's a struggling relationship lacking in trust and/or communication that will also be enhanced.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

Every swinger I know is divorced at least once.

 

We are not. 17 years this year, and 21 as a cpl. Swinging before we were married, in fact.

[Fundamental Law 2,882]

Statistics being what they are, and VegasLee's frequent (and accurate) comments on the paucity of people who know--as a couple--what swinging is really all about, the proposition that swinging is a prominent signal among couples headed for divorce may be valid.

 

Put differently, very very few marriages are strong enough and honest enough to endure and flourish in the LS.

 

The mantra of "communicate, communicate, communicate before even thinking about swinging" has merit.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I took the time to post on that article.

 

I know "old" Swingers that have been married 20, 30+ years and longer.

 

The lifestyle today is not what it used to be and brings on a whole new set of problems in many ways.

 

The problem with the article is she is being to general in her assessment of the Lifestyle and I did not care for that.

 

Swinging today I do believe that the divorce rate is as high if not higher then the "normal" folks in this county.

 

To many use it to try to "fix" their relationship and it rips them apart even faster. It is not the Lifestyle that breaks them up, it is their use of it that does.

 

Also this thing today within the Lifestyle of being friends, building relationships, involving emotions and being "exclusive" is proving to destroy relationships yet people won't see it and keep going down that road.

 

It is each persons life, do what you want but I will stick with my old views of what this Lifestyle is about. It works for us and that is the only thing that is important in our relationship.

 

Many will say I am wrong but come back to me in another 30+ years still being in the Lifestyle and still in your same relationship then I will concede that I am wrong.

[lustylearning 705]

I see not a shred of evidence to back up her assertion, so my response is "That's crap." Even if she could find a correlation between divorce and swinging, others could find correlations between successful marriages and swinging. Again, "That's crap."

[naughty_kitten 56]

I know quite a few who haven't been yet, but given the divorce rate in this country the likelihood of any couple getting divorced is pretty high and if we are talking about a couple where both are on their first marriage, the likelihood is even higher.

 

First marriages typically have a divorce rate much lower than 2nd or 3d marriages.

 

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

 

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:

The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%

The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%

The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

[Alura 2,773]

I think the author has little understanding of the lifestyle and what it means to the people who live it.

 

The convenient aspect of writing in generalities is that one will be right at least once in a while.

 

Alura

[NWAtlSwing 522]

Vegas, What qualifies as "old"? We are both 41

 

 

To your point, most of the swingers we meet are on their second marriage, and are older in age than us with less years swinging. I think that if you looked at the numbers, there are a lot of second marriages in swinging. That is what we tend to see.

 

Of course, we end up with older couples for the most part because we find they tend to have less drama than the younger crowds.

 

I took the time to post on that article.

 

I know "old" Swingers that have been married 20, 30+ years and longer.

 

The lifestyle today is not what it used to be and brings on a whole new set of problems in many ways.

 

The problem with the article is she is being to general in her assessment of the Lifestyle and I did not care for that.

 

Swinging today I do believe that the divorce rate is as high if not higher then the "normal" folks in this county.

 

To many use it to try to "fix" their relationship and it rips them apart even faster. It is not the Lifestyle that breaks them up, it is their use of it that does.

 

Also this thing today within the Lifestyle of being friends, building relationships, involving emotions and being "exclusive" is proving to destroy relationships yet people won't see it and keep going down that road.

 

It is each persons life, do what you want but I will stick with my old views of what this Lifestyle is about. It works for us and that is the only thing that is important in our relationship.

 

Many will say I am wrong but come back to me in another 30+ years still being in the Lifestyle and still in your same relationship then I will concede that I am wrong.

[PB&J 1,086]

We must hang out with the wrong people. We have many friends who are a) still on their first marriages, b) in their 50's or 60's and c) have been happily swinging for years. We have been married for 23 years, it's his second (but that ended at age 21, youthful error in judgement), and my first and last.

[Chicup 41]

Being how many people try to fix marriage problems by swinging, and her job is to talk to people with failing marriages shes suffering from correlation equal causation.

 

If all you saw of sport were the injuries you would assume that sports are all horrible and should be banned. All she sees are the injuries.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Being how many people try to fix marriage problems by swinging, and her job is to talk to people with failing marriages shes suffering from correlation equal causation.

 

If all you saw of sport were the injuries you would assume that sports are all horrible and should be banned. All she sees are the injuries.

 

Agreed.

 

 

If swinging wasn't a potential minefield for couples, we wouldn't spend so much time on here repeating "Swinging isn't for most people", "You must communicate", "Go only as fast as the slowest person", etc etc.

 

I have no doubt that a significant number of couples that shouldn't have started did anyway, didn't communicate, or did it as a last resort, and many of those either damaged their relationship or ended it.

[little firefly 64]

Also this thing today within the Lifestyle of being friends, building relationships, involving emotions and being "exclusive" is proving to destroy relationships yet people won't see it and keep going down that road.

 

I completely agree with this. Since Feb. of this year, there have been 4 marriage breakups at the club that David and I go to. 3 of them were long term (25, 21, and 15 years) and the other was still relatively new (2 years). All of them were affected by what VegasLee has stated here. I'm sure that this isn't the only thing that destroyed these marriages, but it caused the cracks that were already in the relationship to become doors that others were easily able to walk through. Instead of stepping away from the LS to work on their marriages and reconnect with each other, they found it easier to find comfort and affection with someone else. Their communication with each other broke down which caused a breakdown of their marriages. Being someone who doesn't participate, I'm able to observe people and I can say from an outsiders point of view that yes, if you have a solid marriage, swinging will do nothing but bring added pleasure to it, but if you have the smallest problem, it can blow up in your face. I'm just sad that in all but one case, there are children involved, not to mention threats by one of the couples to "out" each other in court and name names in the process.

[Chicup 41]

I completely agree with this. Since Feb. of this year, there have been 4 marriage breakups at the club that David and I go to. 3 of them were long term (25, 21, and 15 years) and the other was still relatively new (2 years). All of them were affected by what VegasLee has stated here. I'm sure that this isn't the only thing that destroyed these marriages, but it caused the cracks that were already in the relationship to become doors that others were easily able to walk through. Instead of stepping away from the LS to work on their marriages and reconnect with each other, they found it easier to find comfort and affection with someone else. Their communication with each other broke down which caused a breakdown of their marriages. Being someone who doesn't participate, I'm able to observe people and I can say from an outsiders point of view that yes, if you have a solid marriage, swinging will do nothing but bring added pleasure to it, but if you have the smallest problem, it can blow up in your face. I'm just sad that in all but one case, there are children involved, not to mention threats by one of the couples to "out" each other in court and name names in the process.

 

There is a lot of idiocy with emotions in the lifestyle. We try to warn people about it but they always know better, and based on a few posters I've watched go down this path who suddenly 'disappear' I'd not be surprised if large marriage troubles ensued.

 

On the flip side I've had 2 friends get divorced recently and one seems to be on the verge and none of them were swingers. None of those who I know are swingers have gotten divorced. The question is if swinging increases your chance of divorce over all and without real data (something I doubt we will ever get) we can't say for sure.

[ChiGeek73 15]

Also this thing today within the Lifestyle of being friends, building relationships, involving emotions and being "exclusive" is proving to destroy relationships yet people won't see it and keep going down that road.

 

Definitely a good warning to keep your marriage primary -- especially if it already has some cracks in it.

 

Having said that (and I fully admit that I say this with less experience than many of you here), my very first swinging experience was very much like what you describe. We responded to their ad, and the husband and I immediately clicked. And then the four of us immediately clicked. We spent a lot of time just hanging out together, very much like dating. It was much more about the relationship than the swapping. When it ended, it ended for personal reasons having nothing to do with sex or swinging.

 

Honestly, I have to say we really miss that. We've been to a club, and it just doesn't appeal to us at all. We want something that's personal. I believe it can happen since it already has, but if it doesn't I'm perfectly happy with that too.

[Just Passing By 140]

We had met with people of whole variety of relationshop histories. Well maybe more single females than typical , but we didn't realize it athe time.

 

Vegas Lee is an astute observer of human nature , and so much is right on the money. To slightly paraphrase his most profound is "Swinging isn't for everybody. It probably isn't for the vast majority" and that's fine. Not being cut out for it isn't a failure.

 

I respect Vegas for what he has observed , and believe it is accurate, so far as what he has observed.

 

But in this case there may be a bit of selselection in the sample size , and overall there is a larger variety of what works , and what didn't.

[LFM2 1,482]

I don't remember this in the article, but I don't recall that anyone ever walked into her office and told her that their honesty, respect and love towards one another has quadrupled since they started swinging? No... she just gets the horror stories told to her. She should have really done some investigation before she wrote that.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

First, she is an attorney. Does anyone get to the stage of talking to a lawyer that had any chance of salvaging a marriage? I have never met anyone that did. So if someone comes in and says my spouse talked me into swinging to save our marriage, it makes more sense that she has 100% of her wannabe swinger clients getting a divorce compared to getting a divorce over being a slob, I mean you can always hire a maid to fix that.

 

Second, this is marketing for her service. "Hey, if your spouse does any of this come see me. I'll take care of it."

 

Third, I would love to see a breakdown of how many of her clients fall into each of those categories. I am willing to bet that swinging is at or near the bottom, yet swinging is the only one she uses ARE instead of MAYBE. Could she have some bias here? Not sure if it is puritanical or personal experience bias, either way, she clearly fits into the NOT category of "swinging is not for everyone."

 

My first wife is my current wife (and I am her first husband too) and neither of us sees that changing short of death, so what a divorce lawyer thinks about swinging carries a much weight as what a dog thinks about fine wine. No, that is not true, it would actually be less, I have known some picky dogs.