Sex is best at home, so why swing?

[Valha 18]

Hi, Mr. V. here. We have enjoyed some limited play experiences, some great, some so so, and Mrs. V all of a sudden is wanting to put swinging on hold and here's her reasoning why- She says that so far, none of the sex is as good as she has it with me so she's asking "what's the point?". I say because I've enjoyed watching her getting pleased from a new perspective and enjoy her coming back to me, and I've enjoyed new experiences and coming back to her. We've had great 'reclamation sex' too so I cited that as a reason. Is she expecting too much? Maybe we need to be a lot more selective in partners?

Anyways, I welcome your thoughts on this and how you would answer her question "if sex is so much better with my spouse, why swing at all?"

[MN Tom 251]

Well, it sounds like the ancillary reasons arent as important to her as they are to you, or maybe she's not admitting to you how bad her experiences have been?

[celtic239 297]

I remember reading several posts on this site where swingers said that swinging enhanced sex with their spouses. Might I suggest what was it that made her swinging experience boring. Maybe it could be something as simple as not hooking up with someone that excited her.

[VegasLee 1,486]

She asks a great question.

 

After 30+ years of Swinging the best sex to me is still with my wife.

 

I have found over the years that when someone asks a question as she has it is not because the sex was bad but that she is not really interested in Swinging.

 

You have to remember that 99.9% of the people in this world DO NOT want to be swingers and 99% of those can't deal with being a swinger.

 

There are many people in this world that are perfectly happy having sex with no one other then their spouse their whole life. She might be one of those.

 

I am willing to bet that is what she is hinting to you by asking you the question.

 

By you asking us I think you know that is the case but you are trying to find that perfect answer that will make her want to continue to do this "for you.".

 

Looks like the ball is in your court.

[Valha 18]

All good answers so far and its helping me put things into perspective. Some other info you need to know- her question specifically came about after we took a drive to try a well-reputed club. The club was a lot of fun, 95% couples (about 120 people there), but mostly a crowd well older than us. I was attracted to 'maybe' 4 women there while there were 'maybe' 2 guys she would have liked, so only 2 potential couples. One couple was already heavily involved in a date (they all arrived together). The other went south really quickly when the guy insisted he could convert Mrs V to be bi. (I thought to myself you could convert every girl lesbian).

 

Anyways Mrs. V and I had a great time together tearing up the dance floor and it was on the drive home she was seriously asking this question.

Now to Vegas Lee- since this, I have repeatedly asked her would you like to just stop all this? Because I'm definitely willing to for her and for us. She cant say for sure, but she has mentioned:

 

- sex is better with you.

- the MFM was fun because she still got to have me too, and the guy made her cum 3x.

- the other play partners (counting on one hand here) were lacking.

 

So to me, on one hand, she has a hard time expressing what she wants out of swinging even though she enjoyed the MFM and on the other hand the male halves of couples we have met so far haven't 'done it' for her.

 

So, I'm not pushing her or trying to convince her to continue, she loves the club atmosphere and exotic dancing and wants to continue, but I thought it might help to hear in your own words (especially the ladies) what excites, motivates you all in swinging? Because for us, its been very time consuming finding potential play partners to fulfill the fantasy.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Some partners we've had have knocked our socks off. Others, not so much. But nothing compares to sex with each other. We tell stories about what others did with us so that we can take those techniques back to our bed. As we like to say, Swinging = Foreplay.

 

If this type of foreplay doesn't excite her, then you probably shouldn't be engaging in it.

[Valha 18]

Also Mrs. V and I found this response by Alura in a similar thread which is excellent.

 

I'm all for taking time off but Mrs V. wants to keep hitting clubs, dressing in the sexy outfits, doing the exotic dancing, meeting people and see how it goes. I'm ok with this as well, but I told her we need to talk alone about what will happen when we find a couple she'll want to play with (or single guy) because believe me she will attract many. I just want her to be quick to honestly verbalize to me what she is feeling at any given heated moment. Maybe we need to learn some ASL hand signals!

[VegasLee 1,486]

Made you think and that is what this is about.

 

Now for this statement "sex is better with you"

 

That in most cases will always be true.

 

The answer is easy to that one.

 

You two know each other, you know what works and pushes each other buttons. Same with us after 30+ years. We know what we like.

 

Different is new, new is exciting. That is what draws many into this. They like the newness.

[lustylearning 705]

Good question. When we started in the lifestyle, it was new and exciting. After a couple of years, the experiences were more hit and miss, so we slowed down. We'd agree that it's tough to beat sex with your spouse, so why go through the trouble for a tossup experience? Now, we find that we're much more choosy about the swinging situations we get involved in. We do seek the four-way match, so it doesn't happen very often, but but we no longer see much reason to engage otherwise, unless there's some special solo play opportunity.

 

Personally, having a lot of so so experiences took the fun out of swinging for me for awhile. I know the same thing happened to hubby. So if your lady isn't into it, maybe let her do the picking and choosing or maybe just chill for a bit. There's no law that says you have to swing every week, month, year... you get to choose your own pace.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

There is an immense difference between swinging and swapping. We don't swap. Swinging is something we share, sex we share and that includes with each other. We don't do separate rooms because that is not what it is about for us. Swinging is having sex with others AND ourselves. Ourselves as a couple. So swinging IS about having sex together, not apart.

 

I've never met a woman who turns me on like my wife. I'm now 61 and have been swinging since my early 20's, so have a fair bit of perspective. We don't play a lot. Not even once a month on average.

 

You mentioned the MFM was great. It was great because she got to have you too. Why not make all play like that, include sex with her no matter whether you're playing with a couple or with a single? That's the only way that makes it worthwhile for us. That's not to say that within the play we aren't making love to others separately...sometimes I like to watch. But it is the togetherness that raises the level of arousal...as well as the after sex.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

She says that so far, none of the sex is as good as she has it with me so she's asking "what's the point?". ... Is she expecting too much? Maybe we need to be a lot more selective in partners?

Anyways, I welcome your thoughts on this and how you would answer her question "if sex is so much better with my spouse, why swing at all?"

 

My wife and I talked about this question over the weekend. We both agree it's a great question. But, we also think it kinda misses the point.

 

If you...

• take a beautiful drive, do you never again take another route?
  
• find a great restaurant, do you never again eat at another restaurant?
  
• find a great pair of jeans, do you never again wear another pair of jeans?
  
• have a fantastic pet, do you never again have another pet once that one passes?
  

 

Just because you have the best of N doesn't mean you would never again sample the delights that trying other Ns have to offer. Part of the joy in swinging (part) is the joy of getting to have sex with other people. It doesn't have to be the best sex you've ever had, and it doesn't have to be as good as it is with you. It can still be a lot of fun. If you're having fun, enjoying things, and it's not causing any bumps in the road in your relationship, why not do it? If the only 'reason' is that the sex hasn't been as good as it is with you, it seems a not so good reason to stop (assuming the sex with others is good and fun).

 

It is wonderful that your wife thinks so highly of the sex she has with you. It really is! That shouldn't exclude the possibility that she can enjoy sex with other people.

 

My wife had sex with a couple of men in swinging and thought ok of swinging, but wasn't totally sold. Fun, yes. Great, no. It seemed to take a lot of work to set up a decent meet and greet and from there some play time. For that work, the sex was ok, but not great. Then she got to have sex with a particular guy who was really, really good for her. She had a fantastic time with him. After the first time playing with him, on the drive home, my wife said "Ok, NOW I'm a swinger!" and she's never looked back since.

 

Maybe you do need to be more selective with your partners. The hard thing is, you really don't know how good a given partner is going to be until you get to play with that person. Maybe it could be that your wife needs to play with a particular partner multiple times, so he can learn what really makes her sexual clock spin. Let's face it, first time sex with anyone usually isn't the best. It gets better with time. My wife has a play partner now that she's really enjoying, and the sex is getting better and better with each encounter.

[LFM2 1,482]

I've had the same thoughts. Nobody does it for me like Dave. It won't matter how many more men I'll ever be with in my lifetime, he's the best and always will be. Like Lee said, he knows exactly what buttons to push and when and where and how hard to push 'em. He knows how I like to be kissed, he knows me inside and out...

 

Don't get me wrong, I have a helluva lot of fun with other men, and I love the newness of how they do things. That's what it's all about. Variety. I love the variety of men that swinging lets us sample. They might tweak something that Dave hasn't thought of, or they may do something that feels differently. Our first time out, we learned a new position. We may have never learned that if we hadn't jumped in. Does this mean you have to quit? That's totally up to you two. Swinging is a "go at your own pace" sort of sport. Good Luck!!

[Valha 18]

Mr. V. here. Thanks everyone for your input and support. I'm happy to say that we've been moving ahead steady as she goes. We've been out to clubs several more times since my last post. Mrs. V enjoys pole dancing (she's really good at it!) and we enjoy dirty dancing on the dance floor (in a way we'd get arrested for at a vanilla club ). I have to admit I have been a little frustrated in some ways because while Mrs. V had put the brakes on playing with anyone else, I have felt kind of like a kid in a candy store that wasn't allowed to eat any of the candy! Has it been only two weeks? LOL. Well, I haven't made too much mention of it because that may only come across to her as putting undue pressure on her. I'm just along for the ride, man.

 

Anyways, my being patient and willing to totally give up the LS for our happiness has allowed me to appreciate the life we have together, and I believe she has seen how deep my love really is for her. Well just this week Mrs V has been feeling really good about trying to meet more couples for potential playmates, without any nudging from me, and has taken it upon herself to seek out some people on Swing Lifestyle, send email invites, and seriously start seeking out potential playmates at the clubs.

 

Well, last night by chance we met up with a couple in the LS at a local club that we really enjoyed just hanging out with in the past. We had great conversation, ate together, danced, then danced more, then the girls danced on the pole while the guys watched, then the girls gave lap dances to the guys, then switched partners for some lap dancing. While the girl from the other couple was dancing on my lap I told her how nice it would be to do this back in a private room and she agreed that it would be. I quickly explained to her how we haven't been playing with others and that it would depend on Mrs V. She was so nice and completely understood. I told her basically how Mrs V had been feeling (see title of this thread) and she explained like others have that by far sex is always better with her beloved partner, but it would be fun to play with us, too.

 

About an hour later of talking, dancing, mingling with others, etc, I told Mrs V when we had the chance at a bathroom break what me and this girl had talked about. Mrs V. seemed excited about getting with them and thought if there was a lot more interaction between all of us (meaning she could play with me and him together while both of us gave attention to the other girl too) that maybe she'd have a lot more fun. Well, soon after, the couple came over and said they were going to go to a room and play and asked if we wanted to join just to watch or join in if we wanted. I looked at Mrs V and she said "it's up to you", I laughed and said "don't leave it up to me you know what I'll say!" (she knew what I'd say) then Mrs V said "sure, let's go have fun".

 

Well, a day later after talking with Mrs V, this experience for both Mrs V and I (and the other couple) was nothing short of the stuff you'd read in Penthouse Forum. What an experience! I may write about it in Swinging Experiences if I get the chance.

 

Going forward, I think I'll try to temper my enthusiasm about what has happened and continue to just go out with Mrs V, when she wants to, and continue to just enjoy fine evenings with her. I'm going to try not to expect these encounters to happen, and instead just enjoy them if and when they do. Being patient, true to my wife, and staying at her pace sure pays off when that lightning does strike!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

That's fantastic Glad it worked out so well! And, it's wonderful that you took the pace you did, and showed how much you love your wife. Awesome!

[shrevecouple 252]

Maybe it's his wording but the whole tone sounds quite devious. LOL Don't think that just because you don't verbalize your hopes each time you go out that she don't sense it. Reminds me of that look I get from my dog when she wants something. She don't have to say a thing. I know she wants.

[Valha 18]

Oh, I can be devious!!!

 

And I can't deny at times I'm sure she had sensed some disappointment from me, but it's been hard at times when it's right in front of my face (literally!).

 

But I've done my very best to stay cool about it, I haven't pushed her or even brought up "want to play with them?". So in all honesty, I'm learning that my best course of action is to let Mrs V choose/decide on potential playmates and I'll just either agree or disagree. I think I was letting the excitement get the best of me a little earlier on and it was making her uncomfy without me realizing it. 'Down boy'. So I've decided to let her do the emails for now and let her bring up if she likes someone at a club. This is REALLY new ground for us, and again this morning she mentioned what an awesome time she had with this other couple and is now looking at which Halloween parties to hit. I'm just along for the ride although I haven't figured out yet whether I'm on a roller coaster or a trolly! I'm just going to hold on and have fun with it.

[shrevecouple 252]

It is great that you are backing off and basically letting her take the driver's seat. It can be a big downer to see your husband salivating over other women and obviously diappointed because oh darn, they didn't get to bang her then pouting like a 2 year old. I think what alot of people forget when they get into this is that fucking other people outside your marriage isn't a right it's a privilege afforded to you by your spouse and usually someone else's spouse! LOL People can spout the "it's just sex" line all day long but we are talking about the one person (other than your children) that you care about most in this world and to share them with someone else is a big deal.