Not sure if I can make it

[wisconsin 58]

Sorry it happened to be long...I would really use some help now because I am holding up by a last straw.

 

For some of you who don't remember my situation. We started swinging about 3 years ago, I wasn't very happy with experiences. It wasn't always bad but just not the way I wanted. We met a man I liked and I started seeing him on a regular basis for last 2 years.

 

Let tell about his personality a little. He has a lot of psychological issues as probably like most of us but some of them was very hard to deal with. He has a temper and likes things his way and if something doesn't go his way he gets pissed. He always wants to call his shots, he always shows he is in control of our meetings. I would never respond I don't want see him when he invites me because I know it's maybe the last one if I say "not this time".

 

He is one of those men who doesn't give a shit about women much although he said he has feelings for me when I asked. He cooks romantic dinners when I am over at his place and occasionally says he misses me. I always try to filter what I say to him so I won't hurt his feelings or at least I try.

 

When we go out I pay half or occasionally pick up a tab. I always bring take outs on weekdays and something on weekends. Always expensive gifts on B-days or major holidays for about $500.

 

The major and most important part he is an amazing lover. I can cum from just sucking his cock alone never mind other stuff. His kisses make my knees shake, his touch blows my mind. I think it has something to do with our chemistry plus his skills are quite good. I always cum after 4-5th thrust when he enters me and I do cum hard. I usually feel I almost lose consciousness from orgasms when they come in those waves one after another when we fuck and my mind wonders in a totally different dimension...I know it sounds weird I never had it before in my life.

 

We usually fuck for about 3-hours at least. Just foreplay may take an hour and nobody gets bored neither him nor me.

 

I am in my late 30, I have a sexy very taken care of body, I dress up sexy and usually adventurous in bed I make sure to work hard in bed so if I decided to spend time with somebody they will get best of me, and I have a a decent job . It's not a like I am looser or a needy girl craving for attention.

 

So, this time I offered him to go on paid off vacation with us(hubby and me) to Caliente in Florida. They play on occasion together as well when they have that itch for cock. So there were shouldn't have been any awkward moments between them. I know I was pushing, I have that tendency to push buttons.I guess it comes from my pretty girl experience where I get what I want in pretty all aspects of my life if really decide on something. Hubby spoils me.

 

I know I should be careful with him, he looked interested, asked questions, we really were discussing that trip,I said everything will be paid by us tickets, hotel, food, drinks, car rental, however when I ask him if we should reserve tickets he said "No". I was maybe a little pushy.I wasn't happy with his answer so I didn't respond to that text which was pretty much end of conversion there was no question to answer.

 

Week past by and I asked him about playdate. He said "BUSY TONIGHT" he doesn't do it that often, he hasn't refused seeing me lately so I felt something was off but couldn't realize what. I texted a worried massage and he called back said that too much was going on in his job, life and overall too much stress.

 

Ok, I was waiting for him to offer to meet, NOTHING.

 

In couple of days before our usual weekend get together he was silent. No message, no call, nothing. Ok, I was worried sick. Something is wrong, I have no idea what is going on so I text him and ask for playdate. Nothing.

 

Never happened before unless he is mad, I get paranoid, have no idea what is going on so I wait until late night,have couple of drinks,I never called him drunk before, call him and ask to call me or maybe demand to call me or at least maybe it sounded like a demand in his perception.

 

In couple hours I get a very nasty message with lots of swear words that apparently he wasn't happy with me pushing for vacation and wanted to give me time out, but apparently I screwed it up too by demanding to call me back.

 

I was terrified with amount of swears and rage in his message. I didn't know he was pissed about vacation and couldn't figure out why he is so mad when I just ask him to call me back. I send him back something not very nice, there was no swears but I was pissed I let him know that. I said he needs to be careful what he is saying to me because I am one of the best things in his life. OK, it was over the top, I know. I was upset so he went ballistic.

 

So, now he is even more mad at me and doesn't want see me. I am devastated and have no idea what to do. I asked several times to meet like grown ups and talk but he doesn't even respond.

 

The reason why I tell you all about it because we all our lives, make mistakes, and we need to fix it. Sometimes when you look at situation under different angle you can see different point of views. I need you input.

 

Don't know if he even will want see me again and I can't live without him. :sad:

 

I know it sounds silly, but really I am very dependent on out meetings and on seeing him. It's very hard to make me that happy in bed and it was always perfect. I really don't believe I can find anybody with that level of chemistry.

 

What do I do?

[rainbowskye 102]

I am simply an outsider looking in. It is really hard to say without hearing his side of this.

 

I've been in situations where we had a gf and she lived with us. To us, it was FWB and she became emotionally attached. Problems started to arise.

 

This makes me think of our situation.

 

It seems like perhaps there is more than a sexual connection to him for you, and for him it very well could be just a sexual connection. The vacation offer may have made it hit home for him.

 

Some people have an easy time not getting emotions and sex mixed together while over time for others it can mix. 2 years is a long time.

 

What does the hubby say about what has transpired?

 

My suggestion would be to let him cool down, and process things. Perhaps have hubby speak to him and see if it can be salvaged.

 

As a female committed to my partner, he is the one I can't live without, not my playmates.

 

If that is how you are feeling, perhaps a vacation with just you and the husband would be what you need, more than a playmate to join you.

[wisconsin 58]

Thanks for quick response. Let me clarify. There is obviously more than just sex, everybody in our triad knows that. We don't talk about it but we all know.From just a playmate he turned to a lover or at least I think when man says he has a feelings for a woman I hope he means romantic ones. There is no way somebody can meet for 2 years and just be friends, is it? Hubby is a good man, he loves me, he knows I need him(BF). He just wants me to be happy.

[lustylearning 705]

"and I can't live without him"

 

Yes, you can, and until you realize that, you will not be able to look at the situation clearly or react appropriately.

[MN Tom 251]

Hmm..

 

Well, Im guessing that even though he has obvious flaws (to which you are pointing out), flaws that are probably bad enough that he's not marriage material, you still love him. I would say you are stuck in the infatuation stage actually, so you are sort of blinded by it.

 

He probably gives you something (sex and emotions) that you crave, and the need he is filling isnt being filled by your husband. Which isn't to say it's bad, nobody completely fills every single need for another person.

 

The bad part about this is your desire for him irregardless of his extremely poor sounding behavior. And also that it doesn't really sound like he's as attached to you as you are to him. To him, you are probably a great playmate. And the issue of you taking control (by offering and paying for the trip) bothers him greatly, because he doesn't see you as an equal.

 

I dont see this as being healthy. And it's up to you and hubby as to how to proceed.

[wisconsin 58]

TO LUSTYLEARNINGS>

Yes, you right. Don't forget though it's been going on for last 2 years. I was looking forward to those dates in the end of stressful day at work or on weekends. I feel like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away. I am always a being very passionate about things I like, I put lots of effort in it. I need to cool down and have no idea how, our meetings pretty much taken over my life. It's a dependency and serious one, like an addiction. I am addicted to him to his hands, smile,kiss and everything else. My body produces a certain response to him and now it feels like I am dying. Sorry for drama...

[wisconsin 58]

TO MNTOM

I know it's not healthy and I understand everything, however when a man says to a woman he does have feelings for her I hope it means something not just lust feelings. If he wasn't he would have just said he doesn't,right?I believe we just have a different personalities where he is more of a rational person and I am more of a emotional one. Sometimes I do wonder if I love him more then he loves me though.

Why he doesn't see me equal? BTW he is very cheap to extreme.

[rainbowskye 102]

TO LUSTYLEARNINGS>

Yes, you right. Don't forget though it's been going on for last 2 years. I was looking forward to those dates in the end of stressful day at work or on weekends. I feel like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away. I am always a being very passionate about things I like, I put lots of effort in it. I need to cool down and have no idea how, our meetings pretty much taken over my life. It's a dependency and serious one, like an addiction. I am addicted to him to his hands, smile,kiss and everything else. My body produces a certain response to him and now it feels like I am dying. Sorry for drama...

 

It isn't necessarily drama. We all get involved on different levels. It is too each his own. However, I agree with Tom, this is unhealthy.

 

Losing a playmate should not having you feeling this way.

 

We each have our own situations, but it seems like this energy in him could be better spent at home towards the man who spoils you, loves and adores you. The one who is reciprocating the feelings you are projecting, not toward the one who has somewhat a negative nature.

 

His negative nature could be a defense mechanism to draw the line between emotions and sex or he could very well just be an ass.

[rainbowskye 102]

TO MNTOM

I know it's not healthy and I understand everything, however when a man says to a woman he does have feelings for her I hope it means something not just lust feelings. If he wasn't he would have just said he does't,right?I believe we just have a different personalities where he is more of a rational person and I am more of a emotional one. Sometimes I do wonder if I love him more then he loves me though.

 

It depends on if he was telling you what he felt, or what he felt you needed to hear to keep the play dates going. Only he can answer that.

[slevin 1,374]

He sounds manipulative and abusive. You need to cut him out of your life and move on.

[Gordo 618]

He sounds manipulative and abusive. You need to cut him out of your life and move on.

 

Agreed

 

You're dealing with a child and his tantrums. In this case I'd give him a permanent time out.

[Alura 2,775]

Love is a state of mind which can be changed at will, either by the lover or the lovee. It seems yours has.

 

Frankly, I don't think it's much of a loss. Concentrate on your husband and be grateful to him for what you have. It will get cold in Wisconsin this winter and your ex-boyfriend will be no help at all.

 

Alura

[shrevecouple 252]

This is why I lean towards the "arms length" way of thinking when it comes to swinging. IMO...these types of feelings should be reserved for your spouse or SO. While the addition of this person may be fun it shouldn't be emotionally taxing.

 

I am in the boat with some of the others. Walking away from this may be a smart decision because strong feelings like this (for someone else) can be damaging to your marriage.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I don't know if the guy is an ass or not. I do know it sounds like the only thing you two have in common is the ability to have good sex with each other.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I hope you will take others' advice and be close with your husband.

[PB&J 1,086]

I think I may have said this on one of the previous threads, but it still fits:

 

No sex is worth being treated like a doormat. You need to find your self-respect and use it to move on.

[wisconsin 58]

Thanks everybody for replies. I am not that submissive type of personality as it may look and sound.

He is like a drug to me and as I said in previous posts never had chemistry even close to it.Now I am in withdrawal phase. It does say something when I can cum just from sucking his cock.:facelick:How often does it happen?

I know some people live their lives and may not experience it.

We do have periods of good times these exacerbations are rare. In between there are quality times with wine, him cooking dinners, going out, getting out of town on weekends,sitting by bonfire and watching falling stars on a summer nights.

 

Sometimes we have periods of madness, I call it madness without much sense, these times something triggers his ego,self-esteem, I don't know, and I start believing he would benefit from psychiatric evaluation and treatment for paranoia and schizophrenia

It always comes when my hubby shows in a picture and pushes me for 3 of us doing something. It happened last time on my B-day. He got pissed of my idea of 3 some. He thought that I want get him drunk and serve him for my hubby. (They do play together on occasion and both enjoy it).

 

This time same thing idea of 3 of us going to Florida. It makes me think that situation is very similar.

After we played 3 some about 6 months ago I saw him next day, he was very dominating, controlling, biting, and pulling my hair.We would fuck him behind me and he would get a handful of my hair,wrap around his hand, I have a long hair, I would resist him pulling my head back but he would still not let go. He didn't hurt me but situation made me think he was purely jealous seeing me having sex with hubby. He is usually very gentle and have a supernatural ability to know how much pressure to put,and where, when to slow down or speed up,change position.

Human mind is so complicated. Now he feels I misbehaved somehow pushing him for vacation with us, I guess, and wanted to teach me a lesson by giving me time out and not responding to my calls.

Now , when I put it this way I think it's all about control.

When we fuck he usually fucks me until I get exhausted from orgasms as funny as it may sounds. I cum hard and often so he just plays with me as much as he wants and watches how much control he has over me.

Am I delusional or it does make sense?

[slevin 1,374]

Am I delusional or it does make sense?

 

You're delusional. He sounds manipulative and abusive.

[Alura 2,775]

He's not the sort of person I'd choose for a friend.

 

Alura

[rainbowskye 102]

Without knowing his side its hard to really say, but.... he sounds like my ex husband.

 

Same behavior. After a bad domestic situation my ex was taken in for mental evaluation. They classified him as a narcissitic sociopath. He sounds very much like your lover.

 

This has nothing to do with dominate and submissive. This is a sign of mental abuse.

 

What you are experiencing is denial.

 

There is no sex in the world that would make me stay in this situation. You can ask my ex husband that! Sex is not worth it.

 

This has a cycle. Mental will become physical and since your relationship is a sexual one, it very well could lead to sexual abuse.

 

In all seriousness, you need to seek advice from a professional counselor.

 

I was in denial for years. Until I woke up one morning to a gun aimed at my head.

 

The thing is, he is smart enough to wear you down mentally. This didn't happen over night. It happened over the course of 2 years. It was gradual and until you have an intervention or it escalates, you will remain in denial.

 

You're defending a man that you've admitted has negative behavior. You are desperate for him in a sexual manor. You want him to reciprocate the feelings you have but inturn he is negative and uses abusive language with you. Yet you make excuses for him. That is a classic sign of domestic violence and That is not healthy.

 

I really hope you seek professional counseling or walk away all together. It's better now to mourn the loss of a lover than to have your family mourn the loss of you.

 

No sex, no cock, no pussy, no orgasm is worth the abuse. None.

[HotinMichigan 15]

I'm new around here but I have one question - why are you still married? It seems to me you're in love with the guy you're fucking on the side. Everything you say tells me you're more infatuated with him than your husband so I don't understand why you're still married.

 

Maybe this is the wrong thing to say but I just don't get it.

 

HotinMichigan

[lustylearning 705]

Okay. He's got your sexual number. I understand that. I don't judge you for having feelings for him. If it falls in the realm of consensual non-mongamy, and your husband's cool with that, who are we to judge? But the bottom line here seems to be that this other guy is playing an emotional control game. He's all about it, if he's in control. If you want to play with him without losing your sanity, you should probably disinvest emotionally. Otherwise, you already know you're in for ups and downs at his whim.

 

Personally, even though I could probably enjoy some mental dom/sub games, I would have a hard time leaving myself as emotionally vulnerable as you describe... He doesn't sound worthy of your trust in that area. And here's the thing, he may be the one in control of the relationship, but you can choose to end it. You have the ultimate control. I promise you, there are other men out there who are just as talented in the physical realm. But even if you don't find one, it's just sex. Don't forget that. Your mental well-being, the established love relationship with your husband, these are far more important than the roller coaster ride this other man is running. Think about it. You can disembark now. There is absolutely no shame in saying, "I made a mistake going down this road."

[wisconsin 58]

RAINBOYSKIE

 

Bingo. It fits the profile. That's what I needed from this board, there are lots of people with unvaluable experience. Thanks.

[Just Passing By 140]

Yes the sex was great.

 

Yes , a poly type relationship is a vaible and honorable ( if decidedly less popular ) lifestyle choice.

 

No , can't totally condem him in absolute sense from only one side of the situation.

 

BUT ! It's not working between the two ( or three) of you. It has gone past the point of no return, will not and can not improve at this juncture. Do not make any attempt to reconect.

 

Do what you need to , to get thru the Withdrawl. Bond with hubby, and in six months or a year decide where you wish to go.

[wisconsin 58]

I am not one of those people who gets pissed off easily and breaks up right away and of course he has his side of the story but...

I always try to communicate and try to find a solution to the problem, talk about it, and reconnect.That's why I have been married for a looong time to hubby. That's how, I believe, mature people solve conflicts...He is the most difficult person I had to deal with in my life and I can't say that hubby is easy.

During sex we always communicate without words and do it perfectly. We always know how to make each other''s toes curled over and over again without talking. He was saying I was the best he ever had.

I know that he is pissed that he thinks he was giving me hints that he didn't want go on that Florida vacation but I wouldn't get it. That's his main point.I was pushing and he hates it...He knows I almost always get my way.

 

He never said he doesn't want go he only said that dates won't work out so I was trying to come up with other dates, plans,etc.

Had he ever mentioned he doesn't want it I would have backed off right away.

 

Yes, I can desinvest emotionally, I just couldn't figure out why he is mad at me, it's like when somebody gives you cold treatment all of a sudden you try to think what have I done wrong? Just couldn't cool down right away and think Oh, Ok I don't care, whatever. This is my gift and problem the same time. I usually venture out and go-geter. I do take gamble in life, follow my dreams and goals.It's hard for me to cool down with something which excites me.

Will I tell myself that I made a mistake going that road? Never, It was 2 years of exciting, mindblowing sex. I have seen and felt something which doesn't happen that often.

I just need to figure out how to get out of it without loosing my mind.

 

He always picks up on those vibes and sometimes panics, sometimes gets pissed depending on what's going on in his life.

 

I would never be able to live with him, have same household or raise children. What was working out was our regular meetings once or twice a week. Just the fun part without solving our everyday problems, just chilling, talking,watching TV, having sex and having good time.I miss it so much. That perfect GF who doesn't ask for anything, doesn't want to get married or have kids. Perfect arrangement for everybody.

 

We have been through this before with BF when he would get pissed but eventually cools down after a month or so. Like I read in description of narcissistic behaviors he would never admits he faults, never ever. I am always wrong. I can't be wrong all the time. Can I?

It would have taken 10 minutes to talk about it and I said let me come in we will talk and I will leave in 10 minutes. Just communicate like grown ups.

 

He was feeling up the void and need which my hubby can't even though he is a perfect man and I love him dearly.He is the one who is smart, sophisticated, intelligent, funny and would never hurt me on purpose.

 

This is totally different type of chemistry. Withdrawal is hard it's almost physically painful...

 

I know for some people here everything that said may seem silly, sorry..In my almost 40 years of living I never had this type of sexual connection before and I have seen good partners but not even close to what we have.I am very rarely impressed that much. Thanks for being here.

 

Oh, and you would need to see his cat. He got 2 kittens recently and one of the cats is extremely possessive of him. He would always get in between us, he always tries to distract him, brings toys to fetch, he would never get away on his own unless he physically pushes him away. When I pet him he would never put his ears down to even show that he enjoys it even a bit. His little body would not produce a slightest purrr..

He looks at me and if he would ever be able to talk he would say " He is mine, get out of here"

[10thBadger 25]

On 10/2/2011 at 9:41 PM, wisconsin said:

Thanks for quick response. Let me clarify. There is obviously more than just sex, everybody in our triad knows that. We don't talk about it but we all know.From just a playmate he turned to a lover or at least I think when man says he has a feelings for a woman I hope he means romantic ones. There is no way somebody can meet for 2 years and just be friends, is it? Hubby is a good man, he loves me, he knows I need him(BF). He just wants me to be happy.

Badgers Wife, 
 

It is obvious your husband is not the number one person in your life. If you are worried about your boyfriend that much and you want your husband to foot the bill for a vacation for the three of you, it is just pure selfishness. I will say again your husband is not your priority and your husband is not the number one person in your life, your husband is not even number two in your life. Your husband is simply convenient and a ATM machine for you to run around with another man. I cannot imagine a man wanting to be convenient to his wife and have a boyfriend be number one in his wife’s life. I am just wondering why your husband does not put you in your place  and give you an ultimatum and say, if you want to be with him that bad and if it disturbs you that he is upset with you that much, pack your shit and leave. I know my husband would tell me that if I ever acted like you do.  For some reason I think you truly don’t respect your husband, I think your husband has gotten so used to you beating him down that he doesn’t see that he is disrespecting himself by letting you step all over him.

 

Like many have said, your husband sharing you or giving you permission to have a boyfriend is a gift, and you are abusing  that gift he is giving you.

[10thBadger 25]

On 10/5/2011 at 7:32 PM, wisconsin said:

I am not one of those people who gets pissed off easily and breaks up right away and of course he has his side of the story but...

I always try to communicate and try to find a solution to the problem, talk about it, and reconnect.That's why I have been married for a looong time to hubby. That's how, I believe, mature people solve conflicts...He is the most difficult person I had to deal with in my life and I can't say that hubby is easy.

During sex we always communicate without words and do it perfectly. We always know how to make each other''s toes curled over and over again without talking. He was saying I was the best he ever had.

I know that he is pissed that he thinks he was giving me hints that he didn't want go on that Florida vacation but I wouldn't get it. That's his main point.I was pushing and he hates it...He knows I almost always get my way.

 

He never said he doesn't want go he only said that dates won't work out so I was trying to come up with other dates, plans,etc.

Had he ever mentioned he doesn't want it I would have backed off right away.

 

Yes, I can desinvest emotionally, I just couldn't figure out why he is mad at me, it's like when somebody gives you cold treatment all of a sudden you try to think what have I done wrong? Just couldn't cool down right away and think Oh, Ok I don't care, whatever. This is my gift and problem the same time. I usually venture out and go-geter. I do take gamble in life, follow my dreams and goals.It's hard for me to cool down with something which excites me.

Will I tell myself that I made a mistake going that road? Never, It was 2 years of exciting, mindblowing sex. I have seen and felt something which doesn't happen that often.

I just need to figure out how to get out of it without loosing my mind.

 

He always picks up on those vibes and sometimes panics, sometimes gets pissed depending on what's going on in his life.

 

I would never be able to live with him, have same household or raise children. What was working out was our regular meetings once or twice a week. Just the fun part without solving our everyday problems, just chilling, talking,watching TV, having sex and having good time.I miss it so much. That perfect GF who doesn't ask for anything, doesn't want to get married or have kids. Perfect arrangement for everybody.

 

We have been through this before with BF when he would get pissed but eventually cools down after a month or so. Like I read in description of narcissistic behaviors he would never admits he faults, never ever. I am always wrong. I can't be wrong all the time. Can I?

It would have taken 10 minutes to talk about it and I said let me come in we will talk and I will leave in 10 minutes. Just communicate like grown ups.

 

He was feeling up the void and need which my hubby can't even though he is a perfect man and I love him dearly.He is the one who is smart, sophisticated, intelligent, funny and would never hurt me on purpose.

 

This is totally different type of chemistry. Withdrawal is hard it's almost physically painful...

 

I know for some people here everything that said may seem silly, sorry..In my almost 40 years of living I never had this type of sexual connection before and I have seen good partners but not even close to what we have.I am very rarely impressed that much. Thanks for being here.

 

Oh, and you would need to see his cat. He got 2 kittens recently and one of the cats is extremely possessive of him. He would always get in between us, he always tries to distract him, brings toys to fetch, he would never get away on his own unless he physically pushes him away. When I pet him he would never put his ears down to even show that he enjoys it even a bit. His little body would not produce a slightest purrr..

He looks at me and if he would ever be able to talk he would say " He is mine, get out of here"

I think it would be a good idea for your husband to leave you so you can miss him just as much as you miss Mr. boyfriend. Then we will see what you are really missing, that man that adores you and loves you and will care for you. If your husband leaves you, what would you have then? The idea that you were missing this boyfriend so much and taking so much energy away from your family and your husband, I’m trying to figure out why you don’t have any shame for treating your husband that way even though your husband is very understanding of your actions.