intensely conflicted--any thoughts?

[sexinthecity 15]

Hi. I guess my question is whether we should do this. We have talked about doing a threesome before (which we never did) but just recently found a very attractive couple willing (wanting?) to do a full swap. So we have discussed at length. And I'm hopelessly stuck. I'm the wife in our duo.

 

Okay. On the one (positive?) hand, my long, longtime fantasy has been seeing my husband with another woman. That *really* turns me on. In fact, the only way that I can have an orgasm, the absolute only way, is to picture me teasing him with another woman and then him penetrating her (actually penetration is the exact moment of my climax). Since we have been talking about this in much more realistic/greater detail terms, I have continued feeling very turned on by how turned on he gets. We have pictures of what can only be described as a swimsuit model, willing to have sex with him, and he has watched those naked pictures while we have had sex/oral sex/fantasy talk foreplay, etc. I felt some jealousy and even pain during or after these events, but still mostly all good, very turned on and happy for him that he is so turned on.

 

But. I have always been very jealous and possessive and so concerned that this fantasy turning to reality might be very disastrous for me. Sometimes, when I think of the reality, I feel scared, feeling hurt, how could he do that? type of feelings. Other times I feel like it would just be hot.

 

Weird twist: I don't really envision or think of any fun that I might have with the other man. I figure that I would just do the guy for my husband to have the experience. I do feel some excitement about the woman/woman situation. And I would not consider a guy that I didn't find attractive, so I just assume that I would enjoy the sex myself, but my own enjoyment is not even close to the driving force for me, in this situation.

 

My husband is scared of my feelings afterward. Also scared of his own, feeling jealous about the other man being with me, but then sometimes thinks maybe he would be okay with it. He also claims to be very jealous and possessive...so again just very confused.

 

Have you seen any horror stories where the people just really screwed up and were filled with regret afterward? We are very hot about this idea, has totally sparked up our sex life to unbelievable levels already (just talking about it), but would reality be a lot different? I know that we could just go back to being regular afterward, but I fear causing damage in our marriage, to either of us that we might not ever be able to repair.

 

(When I say not able to repair, ever, I don't mean we would divorce, because that is not one of my fears. Our marriage is strong and I know that neither of us will ever leave. But just never feeling the same, always being hurt that we weren't monogamous, the vision of each other having sex with someone else burned in our memories in a negative way, etc.)

 

Help!! And thank you!!

[UserName123 15]

No one can give you insight to how you will feel afterwards.

 

I think there is a lot of discussing about this left between the two of you. You have to weigh out the pro's and cons. I definitely wouldn't continue or even think about the possibility of swinging until you have decided what "both" of you want from a swinging experience.

 

Sleeping with another man just to fulfill your husbands fantasy is completely wrong. I think a single female would be a better option but those are hard to find.

 

I would think about this fantasy for a very long time, discuss discuss discuss. Personally, I'm not 'usually' a possessive or jealous person and neither is my hubby so swinging wasn't hard for us to decide to try out. It's been alright so far. We've made a few mistakes along the way and discovered odd feelings, but we talked about them afterwards and found ways to better the experience the next time. Neither of us holds grudges against the other because this is supposed to be a learning experience. We weren't born swingers.

 

A fantasy is what you imagine it to be. The reality will almost 99% of the time, not pan out the way it did in your minds. It may be just as good or even better but how to predetermine that without going to the future is impossible to do.

 

Only you and your husband can decide if it's worth making a reality. I wish you the best of luck!

[sexinthecity 15]

Sleeping with another man just to fulfill your husbands fantasy is completely wrong. I think a single female would be a better option but those are hard to find.

 

 

Just to clarify...technically speaking I think I would be sleeping with the other man to fulfill my own fantasy of seeing my husband with another woman. I know that sounds screwy but that's about accurate.

 

Also, I wouldn't have sex with a man if I weren't attracted to him. So I just assume that the actual physical sex would be great, perhaps very great (for me)...just saying that having sex with another man, for me, is not what is driving this boat. I am completely happy with sex with my husband so not really craving another man in any sense of the word.

 

But I have no doubt that with the right guy (meaning a guy that I thought was sexy), I would/could enjoy myself. But again that's not really what I'm personally seeking through this experience.

 

FWIW I have started exploring this option, not my husband, not on his initiative and not really even his fantasy. He just doesn't mind/feels turned on by what I have described as my fantasy.

 

So anyway...thanks for the advice. I keep reading that you will never know until you try, so I guess that's true, and I suppose I am thinking we probably shouldn't do this despite the heat of the fantasy because it's probably not worth the risk. But I don't know....????

[UserName123 15]

Your fantasy or his... even a combined fantasy both of you share, you need to decide if it's worth it together. And no one here can give you a difinitive answer was my main point.

 

Some choose to try the LS, others fantasize about it.

 

Us personally, if we had jealousy issues we wouldn't have thought twice about giving any of our fantasies a try. Mainly because it's not fair to the playmate and it's really not fair to your spouse.

 

IF you decide you want to give this a go, I'd do some research. Maybe go to a bar and see how you feel with him flirting with a woman, or vice versa. Have either of you ever seen any real interactions with the opposite sex of a flirtacious or sexual nature? Ever seen your hubby hit on? Has he ever seen you get hit on?

Simple experiences can sometimes play a huge factor in knowing each of your limits.

 

I focus mainly on the jealousy as that becomes very real when you have a third or fourth person you have invited to share intimate times with.

[Alura 2,775]

You are very lucky to have found your friends. They can help y'all in your quest to find out if you want to swing. You're right that you won't know how you'll react until you try it.

 

When you determine for sure that y'all want to try it, and even before, talk to your playcouple. Maybe a dinner at your place where you can share your hopes and your fears... heavy on the hopes part.

 

You and your husband might agree with each other that you'll discuss all your feelings after the first experience and settle the issue. Above all both must promise that it's just for fun, has nothing to do with your love, and will not affect your marriage in any way.

 

Mrs. Alura and I used to refer to a first playdate as a "test fuck." When you play, have fun! Crack jokes, don't try to make love. Keep things light during the play. Talk about it with your playcouple while you're playing, with humor, not fear. After all, it's just recreational sex; jump all the way in and enjoy it. Mrs. Alura used to say outrageous things while with another couple. Mrs. Playmate caught on right away. It kept all of us in stitches and heat. Soon, all four of us were talking, laughing, and fucking! It was fun!

 

Don't take your first experience seriously and y'all'll be okay.

 

Alura

[couplers 4,726]

Hello, this is Petra. Early on in our marriage jealousy prevented me from letting my husband have sex with another woman even though I had a bf (hubby had no such problems). The breaking point came when a friend of mine half-jokingly said she would like to sleep with my husband. Something in me snapped and I said that it could be arranged. I am now addicted to that burn of jealousy when he screws another woman like I am addicted to the burn of running. And all the play around getting him back is exquisite.

 

 

You are most of the way there. Talk a little more then go for it. Admit to yourselves it may not turn out exactly as you foresee, it may not be perfect, but you are doing this together. Even if you decide it wasn't worth it, it is worth trying. As for damaging your marriage - Hubby and I have been to restaurants that have disappointed, and on vacations that have disappointed, but we went together, and although we may not go back to that particular restaurant or destination, we haven't stopped going to restaurants or on vacations. And those less than perfect (or in some cases bad) decisions didn't affect our marriage. Same with playing, if it is less than great talk about how you will make it better next time.

 

 

Like you, I liked to fantasize, and now watch, the moment when hubby first enters another woman and the moment that he orgasms. It is even more intense if I am screwing someone as that is happening. I envy what you have to look foward to for the first time.

 

 

Please keep us updated on what you do and how it goes.

[sexinthecity 15]

Maybe go to a bar and see how you feel with him flirting with a woman, or vice versa. Have either of you ever seen any real interactions with the opposite sex of a flirtacious or sexual nature? Ever seen your hubby hit on? Has he ever seen you get hit on?

Simple experiences can sometimes play a huge factor in knowing each of your limits.

 

I focus mainly on the jealousy as that becomes very real when you have a third or fourth person you have invited to share intimate times with.

 

Thanks to all of you for your advice.

 

Jealousy and actual emotional pain (mine) are my main concerns. Maybe significant pain. But who knows? Maybe significant pleasure? I love the feeling of needing to compete with these photos to make him hotter than ever; has *totally and completely* revitalized and even fundamentally altered our sex and intimate lives altogether. Hubby has been saying lately that he didn't even know me before, like who is this new person?!

 

But oddly enough I haven't seen anyone hit on him or vice versa. Maybe just casual small talk--nothing flirtatious but just when I can tell a woman likes him and would like him more if he weren't hooked (like a waitress who giggles a little more than normal every time she talks to him, at our one of our favorite restaurants). I do feel jealous but not angry or even hurt. Maybe not even jealous. Sometimes happy for him for getting the attention and proud/comforted by the fact that he will eat with me, talk with me, go home with me, etc).

 

When I picture the actual fantasy, somehow I think that I would be uncomfortable with: separate rooms, missionary position (them), or kissing/holding (hugging intimately), and maybe certain talking, like loving talk. Also friends with benefits scares me. I don't want an emotional connection with this woman, nor do I want him to have one. I'm just interested in the pure sex of it all. I know some people say that isn't as good, and maybe not, but my comfort would cease if I thought they were forming an emotional connection.

 

Somehow, though, I feel like I wouldn't mind my kissing her, then him receiving oral sex from both of us and/or her alone, and then him penetrating her rear-entry only, in the same room with me.

 

This fantasy has mainly involved only another woman forever, so not sure how the other man would fit into this world in my brain. I will have to start trying to recreate the fantasy to see if that would work for me in any way.

 

And not even sure my version of the fantasy would be okay with me.

 

I like the idea in one of the other threads of going to a bar together but acting alone, basically flirting in a totally normal bar with other people, to see how that feels. But still I think that is a FAR cry from having sex with them. There aren't really any half-way marks in this game.

[doug39 80]

Hello sexinthecity

 

I am a married man and my wife and I have been talking about swinging for several months but haven't tried it yet.

 

We did have a threesome with my wife's female friend 7 months ago but my wife really wants to be banged my another guy and myself at the same time.

 

We are looking for a married couple to swing with, but I also don't care that much about being with another woman. but will do it just to "make things even".

 

I always fantasize about my wife doing 2 or 3 men at the same time but I also don't know how I will deal with it, if it happens.

 

I feel my marriage is secure but I am insecure. In many ways we have the same thoughts and concerns.

[sexinthecity 15]

Hello sexinthecity

 

I am a married man and my wife and I have been talking about swinging for several months but haven't tried it yet.

 

We did have a threesome with my wife's female friend 7 months ago but my wife really wants to be banged my another guy and myself at the same time.

 

We are looking for a married couple to swing with, but I also don't care that much about being with another woman. but will do it just to "make things even".

 

I always fantasize about my wife doing 2 or 3 men at the same time but I also don't know how I will deal with it, if it happens.

 

I feel my marriage is secure but I am insecure. In many ways we have the same thoughts and concerns.

 

Hi Doug. What do you think is driving the fantasy for your wife? Has she told you?

 

Really the only reason that we added the additional man to the picture/fantasy is because basically a *totally* hot woman (26 year old swimsuit model) for whatever reason connected with me online. She happens to be part of a couple. Hubby loves her body (this is a true "who wouldn't?" situation). He was mesmerized by her; she is stunning in every sense of the word. So she raised the question in his mind: whether he could stand to have another man being part of the picture for the privilege of being with this woman?

 

The whole thing has been thrilling beyond belief. I can't describe it, really.

 

At first, hubby said no way, I can't handle you having sex with another man, I'm just different than you in that way, men are different, etc. But then I kept teasing him *for hours and hours and days and days* with her pictures. It was so funny. I put them on our big screen t.v. Put them on his work lap-top. (Best of all) opened them many times during our foreplay and sex. So I would have the screen open and I would start talking about my many variations on this fantasy...while kissing his ear, then after about an hour of lengthy verbal foreplay (which he ate up completely!), I would start on the oral sex, stopping to talk more about the things he could do to her, how the actual penetration would feel, how her touching him for the first time would feel, and everything, and I mean everything (!) in between.

 

Then during sex I made sure he was facing the monitor, not me.

 

Once I even put a blanket over my head while giving him a BJ and making him look at the screen. I went really slowly literally this must have last for 2 hours...maybe a little less but it was a LONG time.

 

He says that he wants to do this (of course) during those times, but after he ejaculates, he goes back to saying no, you are enough, I don't need another woman (at which point I say need and want are two different things). But he says he will not do it. He's too concerned about my feelings. So I'm just trying to figure out whether I should force the issue or decide that he is right, the fantasy has added *plenty* of spark, and we should just leave it alone to save my feelings.

 

The whole thing is sooooooooo confusing.

[sexinthecity 15]

Hello, this is Petra. Early on in our marriage jealousy prevented me from letting my husband have sex with another woman even though I had a bf (hubby had no such problems). The breaking point came when a friend of mine half-jokingly said she would like to sleep with my husband. Something in me snapped and I said that it could be arranged. I am now addicted to that burn of jealousy when he screws another woman like I am addicted to the burn of running. And all the play around getting him back is exquisite.

 

 

Petra, honestly, when you refer to the burn of jealousy, is this like self-torture? I mean, is there actual pain? Do you think that you feel like a happier person in general (not the in the BR)?

 

I am obviously also attracted to the burn of jealousy, but that might be a self-punishment type of non-healthy thing that wouldn't actually help my brain/emotional state in the long run. Sorry to be so deep. I'm just wondering if you identify any actual pain that you feel now or felt when you first did this.

 

Thank you so much for your advice, though, because your experience sounds really hot--pretty much exactly what I envision.

 

Also I guess a related concern is that my husband might feel very hurt about my being with another man, and he may not realize until too late. But we both seem more concerned with my feelings since I have generally always been the more emotional of the two of us.

 

Thanks again everyone!

[doug39 80]

I too will admit that after I cum I "go back to reality" and say that swinging and a threesome with other dudes is crazy.

 

My wife was overweight most of her life and lost all the weight. So what drives the fantasy is that she feels attractive (and is) and wants to be the center of attention while many men bang her at the same time and adore her.

[MN Tom 251]

I have to admit Im a bit hung up on your use of the word "pain" in describing your feelings about these thoughts.

 

Pain, to me, seems way more intense than just a minor jealousy pang.

 

In any case, considering your fantasy is to have your hubby doing another gal, he will have to be ready and willing to go along with this for it to happen.

 

Talk, talk and talk some more. Then maybe you should take a baby step, like seeing him flirt with another woman, or kiss another woman.

 

 

And if you really have no interest in another man, dont play with another man. Be upfront with it, you never know, maybe you will come across a couple who has a guy that enjoys watching.

[couplers 4,726]

Petra, honestly, when you refer to the burn of jealousy, is this like self-torture? I mean, is there actual pain? Do you think that you feel like a happier person in general (not the in the BR)?

 

It is not pain. It is the burn of desire. I am glad that we started doing what we do and I am much, much happier both in and out of the bed room. Like I said, it is like a good run.

[sexinthecity 15]

I have to admit Im a bit hung up on your use of the word "pain" in describing your feelings about these thoughts.

 

Pain, to me, seems way more intense than just a minor jealousy pang.

 

In any case, considering your fantasy is to have your hubby doing another gal, he will have to be ready and willing to go along with this for it to happen.

 

Talk, talk and talk some more. Then maybe you should take a baby step, like seeing him flirt with another woman, or kiss another woman.

 

 

And if you really have no interest in another man, dont play with another man. Be upfront with it, you never know, maybe you will come across a couple who has a guy that enjoys watching.

 

Well, I've been in therapy for many years, bad childhood gives me abandonment feelings, sometimes, in our marriage. That is nothing new and really not something that I can change. But those are just flashes of an otherwise normal and healthy, close marriage and strong individuals. So pain, I think, might be the right word for me.

 

We are contemplating a Halloween swingers party. But for me one of the rules was going to be no kissing...I'd also rather very little emotional connection...like I don't want friends with benefits...but the actual physical touching, kissing in the form of oral, and possibly but not sure about eventual vaginal penetration...maybe. I really think maybe.

 

So our rule at this party was going to be no kissing except (maybe still?) on the neck, and touching anywhere on top of clothes. Girl could sit on his lap. FYI this is a normal club with non-swingers and I've been told that the extent of the interaction between swingers is more flirtatious and sexy on the dance floor, so I feel like my limits might work in that context. No?

 

Thanks again everyone!!

[Alura 2,775]

It seems to me that the more rules you have, the less likely you are to find playmates. Many folks won't consider swinging without kissing. I'm one.

 

Mrs. Alura and I had one rule, that we would not make love with anybody else. It was easy to keep because we didn't love anybody else.

 

The barriers a couple builds may not keep them from swinging but they will surely keep them from most of the fun.

 

Alura

[sexinthecity 15]

It seems to me that the more rules you have, the less likely you are to find playmates. Many folks won't consider swinging without kissing. I'm one.

 

Mrs. Alura and I had one rule, that we would not make love with anybody else. It was easy to keep because we didn't love anybody else.

 

The barriers a couple builds may not keep them from swinging but they will surely keep them from most of the fun.

 

Alura

 

Great points. Thank you. I have already been reconsidering expanding my limits, but remember this is for the first experience at a non-swinging club. Maybe I will add kissing to my list of okay things but still stick with only touching, again since this is a regular club with dirty dancing only, I'm hoping that will not be a problem.

 

I'm hoping/believing that if, after we return to our hotel alone, and in the following week or two, I feel okay, then progressing to a soft swap situation might be okay. My biggest fear is penetration because you can't go back...

 

But then again...that turns me on the most!

 

Oh, man, so confusing and conflicting but so exciting!!

 

I asked hubby this morning if he was excited about the party, where other women would be touching him and he could touch them, when I kissed him goodbye, then moved my hand down to his dick on the front of his jeans...so hard...undeniable excitement!! But he also said that he is afraid of how he will feel, so we are on the same page in that sense. Really love getting advice from people who have been there.

 

One of the biggest things making me feel more comfortable are all of the great first timer stories on this website. I mean, most people seem to really enjoy it, and I don't think we are that different from most people. But then again maybe that's just because of the population that would be reading this site in the first place. Urrgggghhhh!

 

TY everyone!!

[MN Tom 251]

Im with alura, rules to that degree make it tough to find others.

 

And I believe they set you up for trouble, because it would be very easy to break those rules in most any social setting. No kissing is a really tough one for a lot of people , us included.

[rainbowskye 102]

Im with alura, rules to that degree make it tough to find others.

 

And I believe they set you up for trouble, because it would be very easy to break those rules in most any social setting. No kissing is a really tough one for a lot of people , us included.

 

I agree, I can't get into it without kissing. Our rules are simple. 1. honesty at all times and just like Alura, 2. only 'make love' to one another.

 

Too many rules make it difficult to find someone, and they also make it too easy to let your partner down. In the heat of the moment, it is hard to focus on rules.

[meumeu 46]

Some folks here already said this, and I will echo what they said, treat this exactly what it is a sexual experience. One that you actaully want and is excited about. I can't really say how you will feel afterwards because everyone is different. You guys have a strong relationship so my advise is to go with it and have fun, he will enjoy it and by what you said, I think you will too.

[doug39 80]

My wife and I haven't done any swinging yet. We have discussed the rules though.

Kissing, hugging and any type of loving acts are not something my wife and I are looking for.

She wants an intense animalistic fuck with 2 or 3 men filling every hole at the same time and getting off all over her.

[sexinthecity 15]

Hi everyone. Thanks again.

 

I think if we do this, I would need the kissing bc personally I can't get into sex without kissing.

 

But we are back to thinking we shouldn't do this. I am so turned on by the idea but the risk of hurting myself seems not really worth taking. I mean, there would be no going back on the memories.

 

I just continue to be fascinated that most members seem to enjoy the experience without negative repercussions, for the most part, or at least with negative not so great that they can't handle it or doesn't outweigh the positive. But that might just be bc people who try this and can't handle it probably aren't still posting on this site. So I am just still terribly confused.

 

One interesting thing is that we have a couple of females, believe it or not, who would be interested in joining us alone. Although that would meet my fantasy in a way perfectly, I think that would hurt me more because my focus would be on the way my husband was touching her and what that might mean. Also, I have done quite a bit of googling on threesomes/effect on marriage and also swinging/effect on marriage. Believe it or not, threesomes have many, many (most) horror stories about the wife's feelings afterward. For some reason, swinging stories have some negative but mostly positive. So I think swinging would be the best route if we were to do this.

 

We have also considered just attending a swinging party, maybe or maybe not some dancing. We are both *so* jealous in a way, but also so turned on by this in another way. It is the strangest combination. We both keep joking that we feel like we are taking drugs and just need one more fix when we decide to stop (with the fantasy of moving forward).

 

Thanks also to the person who sent me a P.M. with a very helpful link talking about the dangers of an emotional connection. That is my BIGGEST fear. I could NOT handle hubby feeling or being chummy on that level with another woman. I will never be okay with that. I realize many do engage in that type of behavior and many will not get involved without it. But that's fine; those ppl would never interest me. I want light talk over drinks then let's get to the bedroom. That's it.

 

But still we are conflicted and I think at the moment deciding not to move forward. But that could change when hubby wakes up and we start fooling around again bc we are both still so aroused! Yesterday I pretended I was another woman dirty dancing with him and THAT was hot. Maybe that can just be it...role playing the fantasy?

 

Grrrr. So tempting.

[shrevecouple 252]

There is nothing wrong with role playing at all. Because you are right pretending and doing are two totally different things. You sound alot like me in many ways. There are signs that say turn back and run but there is something nagging that keeps you from doing just that.

[rainbowskye 102]

Perhaps all you will be able to handle is the fantasy.

 

A little jealousy is normal in like, too much is unhealthy. You would definitely need to work on that before moving forward.

 

If you can't, then swinging or even 3somes aren't going to help matters.

[UserName123 15]

Perhaps all you will be able to handle is the fantasy.

 

A little jealousy is normal in like, too much is unhealthy. You would definitely need to work on that before moving forward.

 

If you can't, then swinging or even 3somes aren't going to help matters.

 

I totally agree with this statement.

[Alura 2,775]

I mean, there would be no going back on the memories.

 

It's true one can't erase memories... but one can surely say, "Well, that was a mistake, Darling. What would you like for breakfast?"

 

Alura

[sexinthecity 15]

I don't know. Jealousy could be a healthy thing if the theory is that monogamy is a good thing. The feeling ensures people stay committed. I just don't think I would ever get over the jealous, actually really hurt and devastated feeling. I honestly don't know how swingers could possibly handle that feeling. But they do. Which is intriguing but maybe those people are just fundamentally more secure than I am? Anyway we are enjoying the discussions.

 

And yes I could just move on and say what do you want for breakfast. But I figure one possibility would be an extended depression, tears that wouldn't stop for months, and that sort of thing. I just really have no idea.

[Alura 2,775]

If you really think those emotions are possible, y'all shouldn't consider outside sex in any form. Deal mentally with the negative feelings first.

 

Monogamy is positive for scores of reasons I won't go into. It builds two people up. Jealousy is negative. It tears two people down. It causes angst and pain. It's best to banish jealousy from our minds. The best positive to counter Jealousy's destructive powers is love, the highest positive we're likely to find.

 

In the words of my Uncle Blind Bear, "Shouldadones don't count."

 

"Can do!"(s) do.

 

Alura

[rainbowskye 102]

I don't know. Jealousy could be a healthy thing if the theory is that monogamy is a good thing. The feeling ensures people stay committed. I just don't think I would ever get over the jealous, actually really hurt and devastated feeling. I honestly don't know how swingers could possibly handle that feeling. But they do. Which is intriguing but maybe those people are just fundamentally more secure than I am? Anyway we are enjoying the discussions.

 

And yes I could just move on and say what do you want for breakfast. But I figure one possibility would be an extended depression, tears that wouldn't stop for months, and that sort of thing. I just really have no idea.

 

It seems like maybe perhaps there is something causing such jealous feelings? Perhaps one of you were burned really bad in the past?

 

Either way, Jealousy to the extreme of pain and hurt is not healthy. Have you two considered talking through what is causing that?

 

If insecurities are what is driving the jealousy, you do have the option of working through those insecurities.

 

Until you are able to replace the feelings of jealousy with love and trust, it would be best to leave this a fantasy and stick to role playing, until you reach that point where you are able to make the fantasy become reality.

 

Reality is not always as we fantasied it to be.

 

Alura is right, if you truly love one another and trust one another, whether it is a good or bad experience, you should be able to move on together. It shouldn't come with tears and/or depression.

 

Me and my guy live by this, No regrets, just lessons learned.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

But we are back to thinking we shouldn't do this. I am so turned on by the idea but the risk of hurting myself seems not really worth taking.

 

I think this is the right place for you to be right now. That is, not doing this.

 

Step back from it, forget about it for a year or two (or ten), and when you decide to revisit it, see if you feel the same way.

Nothing wrong with saying "We're not ready for this step right now".

 

Best of luck to both of you.

[shrevecouple 252]

 

Monogamy is positive for scores of reasons I won't go into. It builds two people up.

 

I really found this to be a surprising statement from a seasoned swinger as yourself. I don't think I have seen a statement like this from anyone on here before. Of course we get the "nothing wrong with monogomy" and "swinging is not for most" but not like this.

 

Sorry for getting off topic but I was surpised. Pleasntly though.

[Alura 2,775]

Well, I'm talking about monogamy, not monotony.

 

I believe in being married to one woman, (but I'll accept those who think otherwise. Touche, Rocky.) Being married, however, does not mean having sex with only one person. That's where swinging rears its lovely head.

 

Alura

[shrevecouple 252]

Aaah...Apparently we have different views on the meaning of monogomy. I just misunderstood you then.

[Alura 2,775]

Aaah...Apparently we have different views on the meaning of monogomy. I just misunderstood you then.

 

I had to look it up to be sure. From The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:

 

monogamy n. 1. The custom or condition of being married to only one person at a time. 2. The state of having one mate for life.

 

That's what I meant.

 

Alura

[sexinthecity 15]

Well my thoughts right now are that I wish more than anything that I thought I could handle seeing my husband with another woman because I know he would absolutely love it and therefore I wish that I could give him that pleasure without causing myself pain. But I don't think that I can based on my own history and emotional state in general (good but a lifetime of being fragile/highly sensitive). Our marriage is strong and has grown stronger from this role playing. I know now more about who he really is, his truest feelings, for better or worse. And I know that he loves me more than anything in this world.

 

I just can't imagine getting to the point where I don't mentally equate sex with love. I would see love whether he felt it or not, and that would be crushing. I know logically that he wouldn't feel love, but would only be doing the whole thing for the physical release/sexual pleasure of it all, but still. I just don't believe that I could handle the reality of watching the man who has only loved me for 12 years "loving" another woman.

 

And I'm not really sure that he could handle the reverse, either (seeing me with another man). Honestly not sure that would be okay with him.

 

We both believe that our current comfort level would probably only include: (1) watching at a club or (2) having sex with your own partner in the same room, which itself would be highly erotic for us because we would see another couple naked and having sex. But I just feel that even that would be dipping our toes into something that maybe isn't right for us, even though it is tempting in many ways.

 

I've read on here that marriages must be strong to endure swinging. And I think our marriage is very strong. But I think also the individuals have to have a certain strength that I'm not sure I possess--even though I'm a very powerful and strong person in many realms, I'm terribly sensitive emotionally from a very difficult childhood with serious abandonment feelings/fears that I don't think would be well-served by watching my husband essentially leaving me for whatever period of time. And in such an intimate way.

 

But it's too bad because it is highly erotic and again would love to give him that pleasure because I love him so much. Thankfully, for me, he also wouldn't want to do anything that would hurt me. Basically the price of my being hurt wouldn't be worth it to him, and for that I will be forever grateful.

 

Sorry to be so long-winded and I have greatly appreciate the advice and enjoyed reading this site. I wish that I had whatever fortitude you all seem to possess but I'm just not sure it is there or ever will be.

[rainbowskye 102]

Not everyone will have the ability to separate sex and love. And that is okay if you are in a relationship with someone such as your husband who reciprocates those feelings.

 

Swinging isn't for everyone, and I think you are making a wise decision by not moving forward.

 

I too, have issues from my childhood that I still deal with today. Abandonment is one of them. I have found a counselor to talk to and believe me, it has helped me tremendously. I have been able to let go of a lot and I find myself having many more days of happiness and less worry than ever before.

 

I've learned to not let my oast define who I am, but to make me stronger. Just food for thought.

[Alura 2,775]

Thanks for sharing your feelings, Sexinthecity. It sounds like you've gotten your answers. While they may not be the same as those of us who have learned to separate sex and love, they are yours and must be dealt with in your own way.

 

I encourage you to continue to develop your communication with your husband and never do anything that you feel is wrong for y'all or that you can't handle.

 

I'd also like to ask you to stay with us. I feel we've made a friend.

 

Thank you for starting this thread. I believe it will be valuable for many folks who have the same misgivings about swinging that you have. It has the potential to help a lot of marriages to get stronger.

 

Alura

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

Well my thoughts right now are that I wish more than anything that I thought I could handle seeing my husband with another woman because I know he would absolutely love it and therefore I wish that I could give him that pleasure without causing myself pain. But I don't think that I can...

 

Don't beat yourself up because you don't think you can do this. There's far too many people in the world who don't think of the consequences of their actions and just dive headlong into something that is inherently dangerous to them, if only they'd taken a moment to think about it. Making a good decision, even if it means NOT doing something, is never a bad thing. Pat yourself on the back for making a good decision!

 

I've read on here that marriages must be strong to endure swinging.

 

You know, I've heard it put that way before too. But, that's not quite right. Marriages must be strong to enjoy swinging. 'Endure' isn't the right word. Swinging can be a very strong positive, and not something to be 'endured'. Not picking on you Just on the notion of 'enduring' swinging that I've seen before.

[sexinthecity 15]

Thanks again to all of you.

 

I have been in therapy for many years...some things are just fundamentally wired. I'm fine with life and marriage...but adding this element might be too much for me given my hard-wiring.

 

However seriously has been really strange that hubby's undeniably strong attraction to women in photos (who have agreed to meet and have sex in several cases, after seeing his photos, and who have described sex with him!!!) hasn't bothered me nearly as much as I thought. It truly has turned me on seeing him so excited which is TOTALLY weird. But there were mixed feelings at first...including one time when I got angry because he was masturbating while I was using my vibrator and STANDING OVER ME looking at the computer screen (he had gotten up to close the shades and rather than coming back to the couch and laying with me...he just stood up and looked at the photo)..so basically he had forgotten me and was into this photo just waiting for me to finish. Normally he would have been laying with me, kissing my neck, helping, whatever. So that was a moment that I didn't like. And there have been some tears...but again I seem to recover and then feel aroused.

 

The reason I keep exploring is because our sex life has basically gone through the roof with just the addition of this fantasy role playing/photos/flirting with other couples. And I think we could handle same room sex with your own partners and other newbies might also like that experience. So maybe we just try that and stick with that limit? There is no saying that everyone has to continuously stretch their boundaries.

 

I am sure I would have been MORTIFIED had you told me even 6 weeks ago that hubby would be doing these things with other women (exchanging photos and plans to fuck, basically). But it hasn't bothered me all that much. So *maybe* the other stuff wouldn't, either, but I just have no idea.

 

I read one thread on here re a woman who's husband had their first full swap and then was hugging the woman and exchanging intimate conversation in the hot tub (without his wife). That would KILL me and actually seems inevitable at some point in this game. I mean, if you have sex with someone, you would at least appear to have loving feelings for them, and would be concerned about them, and express those feelings...those things I just couldn't handle.

 

I could most easily handle hot woman walking into the room, like a prostitute and just taking her clothes off without saying any words and having sex with him, then leaving. Not saying that would be easy but my discomfort arises around the emotional stuff more than anything else. I don't want him connecting to someone else on that other (non-sexual) level and seems unavoidable..and the appearance of that connection seems REALLY unavoidable.

 

By the way, how are these private clubs? Could we go and truly feel comfortable just enjoying the atmosphere and watching?

[shrevecouple 252]

By the way, how are these private clubs? Could we go and truly feel comfortable just enjoying the atmosphere and watching?

 

For the most part yes. All you have to be is up front about your intentions and most people will respect that. BUT expect that there may be some that will try to get you to overstep your own boudaries. There are some very aggressive folks out there who go stupid over "fresh meat". You just repeat "no thank you". They should get the hint. Some clubs have rooms that have little see through curtains around each bed that you can go and just have sex with you own partner but still have that eroticness of having sex with a bunch of people in the same room.

[sexinthecity 15]

For the most part yes. All you have to be is up front about your intentions and most people will respect that. BUT expect that there may be some that will try to get you to overstep your own boudaries. There are some very aggressive folks out there who go stupid over "fresh meat". You just repeat "no thank you". They should get the hint. Some clubs have rooms that have little see through curtains around each bed that you can go and just have sex with you own partner but still have that eroticness of having sex with a bunch of people in the same room.

 

That would be really fun!! So, let's say we are in this room with each other only, how do we convey that we don't want anyone else to join us?

 

Update hubby told me tonight that he really was the most opposed to this idea because I kept saying that I wouldn't want most of the guys we have seen. Like he feels like I would almost be being raped (doing it for him only not enjoying it myself). He feels like it would be easier for him if I was excited about the guy.

 

But I still have my hangups so the update doesn't really change much!

 

We have decided that this same room sex/possibly club scene would be interesting for us. We have a profile on AFF also asking for same room sex with partner only...

[rainbowskye 102]

I had to look it up to be sure. From The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:

 

monogamy n. 1. The custom or condition of being married to only one person at a time. 2. The state of having one mate for life.

 

That's what I meant.

 

Alura

 

When we were school we were in some cheesy class and we did an exercise on the meanings of words and we all had to use monogamy in a sentence.

 

So I learned the meaning of this early on. It doesn't mean you will only have one sex partner for life. However, many who believe sex should only be used for procreation lump the two together.

 

In fact, our teacher tried to tell us it went together and a debate began.

[sexinthecity 15]

My husband and I have talked a lot about societal expectations, morality and what monogamy means, etc...mostly because he brought these things up...but for me I couldn't care less about what anything is supposed to mean or be. My problem is that seeing him with someone else would most likely hurt me. If I thought it wouldn't hurt me, then I would do it, and wouldn't care about society, morality, definitions, etc. None of that stuff matters one single bit in the business of feelings and sexuality as far as I'm concerned.

[weloveeachother 29]

My wife too struggles with these same issues as you. She can't stand the thought of me being intimate with another woman. However, an on-premise club can be a lot of fun. We have been about 10 times now and have had many different adventures along the way.

 

We met a couple and after having a few too many drinks, we swapped with the other couple. The next morning was not pretty! Stick to your boundaries. It is possible to get caught up in the moment and break your own rules. We have been able to talk through all of these bumps in the road. Remember, it is about having fun sexually. It is not about going out and finding a soul mate. As mentioned previously, be clear about your boundaries with others and you should be fine. It is also true that you may run across some who are more aggressive and will try to talk you into swapping/crossing your boundaries. Just be firm and move on if necessary. None of this is worth jeopardizing your marriage/relationship with the one you love. 99% of the people we have encountered are respectful and supportive of our boundaries. We have had some same room, own partner sex that was awesome!! It is a huge turn on to be with your spouse and having another couple inches away from you doing the same.

 

You may find yourself to be a little more comfortable and adventure out a little more once you try that. Take it slow and have a good time! Have fun, that is what it's all about.

[sexinthecity 15]

We met a couple and after having a few too many drinks, we swapped with the other couple. The next morning was not pretty!

 

 

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have a question. Was this just the next morning and then your wife recovered or did the problems linger/still bothering her? And how badly are they bothering her now? And how bad was the next morning...can you elaborate on exactly what your wife said/felt the next day and the days that followed??

 

TY so much for your input.

[shrevecouple 252]

That would be really fun!! So, let's say we are in this room with each other only, how do we convey that we don't want anyone else to join us?

 

..

 

You simply don't invite anyone! LOL They usually have rooms that are laid out better for different situations. Like a room that is better for people who just want a big pile up/group sex/gang bangs..it will have alot of beds smushed up together and usually no curtains or barriers. The rooms that usually suited more for couples swapping or just one on ones usually have some kind of barrier like a curtain or even a door. In general it is usually understood that you aren't to join unless you are invited. We have never had a problem with anyone invading our space/bed uninvited.

 

When you go to an "on premise" club like this, they usually require the newbies to come a little early so that they can get a personal tour where each room is explained. They don't like bad things being said about their clubs so they will usually make sure that you know that it is ok to report someone who has become a nuisance and isn't being respectful.

[shrevecouple 252]

When we were school we were in some cheesy class and we did an exercise on the meanings of words and we all had to use monogamy in a sentence.

 

So I learned the meaning of this early on. It doesn't mean you will only have one sex partner for life. However, many who believe sex should only be used for procreation lump the two together.

 

In fact, our teacher tried to tell us it went together and a debate began.

 

I can honestly say until Alura posted it, I had never looked up the dictionary meaning of monogomy. I have always understood that monogomy included sex. I was really surpised to find that it was not mentioned in the meaning...although...the definition did use the word "mate" and one the definitions of this word includes.. either member of a breeding pair of animals. I have grown up in the bible belt and I am sure this has something to do with it but monogamous has always meant to me, being married to and having sex with one person is what I have always believed. I don't view swingers/lifestylers to be monogamous. The term is used alot in regards to sex, even on swinger websites.

Really hard to change what you have "known" to be true after 32 years.

 

I'd have to ask Alura, as far as the monotony comment goes, I am guessing you mean sex with only one person? I know you probably meant for you personally but really? Is really so bad to have sex with only one person to call it that? What if your new/old friend continues to only want that. Will your relationship be labeled monotonous? I can't deny that I would be hurt if my husband said that to me.

[Alura 2,775]

I can honestly say until Alura posted it, I had never looked up the dictionary meaning of monogomy. I have always understood that monogomy included sex. I was really surpised to find that it was not mentioned in the meaning...although...the definition did use the word "mate" and one the definitions of this word includes.. either member of a breeding pair of animals. I have grown up in the bible belt and I am sure this has something to do with it but monogamous has always meant to me, being married to and having sex with one person is what I have always believed. I don't view swingers/lifestylers to be monogamous. The term is used alot in regards to sex, even on swinger websites.

Really hard to change what you have "known" to be true after 32 years.

 

Wait 'til you're 72 and try to change.

 

I'd have to ask Alura, as far as the monotony comment goes, I am guessing you mean sex with only one person? I know you probably meant for you personally but really? Is really so bad to have sex with only one person to call it that? What if your new/old friend continues to only want that. Will your relationship be labeled monotonous? I can't deny that I would be hurt if my husband said that to me.

 

I was joking. I think I put a smily face after it, didn't I? If not, I should have.

 

Sex was never monotonous with Mrs. Alura, although we did tend to do the same things, the things we liked the most when we made love.

 

Neither was sex monotonous with White Fox forty years ago. It isn't now, either.

 

Without spending 2,000 words writing about the issue, let me just guess that "sex for fun" (That which we do with couples with whom we play.) can get monotonous after awhile. Once, when Mrs. Alura and I were driving home after a play date, I asked her how the sex with Mr. Playmate had been. "Just like old married folks," she replied. I think if she'd thought about the question more she might have added, "...without the love."

 

I have never known "making love" to be boring. Never!

 

Good question! Thanks for asking it, Shrevecouple!

 

Alura

[weloveeachother 29]

Was this just the next morning and then your wife recovered or did the problems linger/still bothering her? And how badly are they bothering her now? And how bad was the next morning...can you elaborate on exactly what your wife said/felt the next day and the days that followed??

 

Most of the next day was really bad. My wife felt not only bad about seeing me with another woman, she felt very guilty for letting it get as far as it did. That's why I say stick to your boundaries. Drinking and getting caught up in the moment can cause you to break your own rules.

 

If possible, come to an agreement with each other that no matter what happens you won't be mad at each other. If you make a mistake by breaking a rule, count it as a lesson learned. (I believe I learned that from the wise one Alura). My wife and I have agreed to that. We have also agreed on what our boundaries are. Another thing I have learned through this board is that as a couple you should move at the pace of the slowest person. Took me a bit to come to terms with that one as well...haha.

 

There are many facets of swinging. Doesn't mean you have to go out and full swap. We may never go there again, who knows. We agree on where we are right now and it is working out most awesomely. We are cool with same room, same couple sex with some touching and kissing with another couple. It can be very dynamic as long as you both agree with what is happening. Come up with signals or code words for when you want or don't want something to take place.

 

If you're not into it, then you're not into it. Never 'take one for the team'. You will most likely regret it. Again, take your time, know your boundaries and have FUN!!

[weloveeachother 29]

I don't guess I did a very good job of elaborating on what was said and how long did the feelings linger..

 

People are different of course. When my wife is upset she gets real quiet. She wasn't talking to me and was very upset and crying. We eventually talked it through and got past it the next day. But, there were several days of things not being quite the same. An uneasiness I guess.

 

She told me that she didn't blame me completely for it and that she was just as much to blame for what happened. I was at a totally different level with swinging than she was. That's why I say you need to talk and be on the same page.

 

None of those bad feelings linger today. Quite the opposite. We have learned so much more about each other and our lines of communication are better than ever. In fact, this past Saturday we attended a house party and met a lot of really cool people and ended up inviting one of the single girls upstairs for an FFM. I got oral from the single girl and made love to my wife. It was an awesome time and the coolest part....my wife had no bad feelings from it. The girl asked her if she could give me oral and she said sure! The three of us had a great time and the night ended with all smiles!!

 

Have fun with whatever you decide!

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

I'm going to toss something out here, and preemptively ask for forgiveness. I haven't read every post in this (very good) thread, and this might have been suggested already, or you (sexinthecity) might have tossed this out. I think I read all of your posts in this thread, but I might have missed one or two.

 

I understand it would be very difficult for you to watch your husband having sexual relations with another woman. That doesn't mean you're broken, need fixing, are wrong, or anything negative. It's ok.

 

Your husband's concerns seem to be less hard wired than yours are. That's ok too. I don't think you're ready for it, but I would suspect that IF the time comes that you'd like to try something more than same room sex with another couple that an MFM scenario might be a very positive thing.

 

Certainly you should never want to do this just to please your husband. But, you may find that you really enjoy it and your husband does as well. Just something to consider.