intensely conflicted--any thoughts?

[sexinthecity 15]

I'm going to toss something out here, and preemptively ask for forgiveness. I haven't read every post in this (very good) thread, and this might have been suggested already, or you (sexinthecity) might have tossed this out. I think I read all of your posts in this thread, but I might have missed one or two.

 

I understand it would be very difficult for you to watch your husband having sexual relations with another woman. That doesn't mean you're broken, need fixing, are wrong, or anything negative. It's ok.

 

Your husband's concerns seem to be less hard wired than yours are. That's ok too. I don't think you're ready for it, but I would suspect that IF the time comes that you'd like to try something more than same room sex with another couple that an MFM scenario might be a very positive thing.

 

Certainly you should never want to do this just to please your husband. But, you may find that you really enjoy it and your husband does as well. Just something to consider.

 

Actually strange thing is that I am really the person lacking in desire for other men. He would love to be with other women (despite really loving me; I can't explain but I am sure of this) and I *might* enjoy watching. I love that he is so turned on. But honestly I do not feel any craving for another man. My husband does everything that I need in bed. I am also bi-curious, so think I would enjoy another woman. But at the same time I'm not sure how I would actually feel seeing him with another woman. And he might feel really guilty afterward, too, esp if I was hurt. So he feels that I would essentially be being raped (sort of through him) in a weird way if I had sex with another man just so he could have the same experience with the wife. I don't understand how so many women are into having sex with strange men because I can't really feel much unless I feel something...and I love my husband so I just can't imagine feeling anything for another man, particularly if I had just met them. And I don't want hubby getting emotionally connected to another woman, so one-night stands would probably be our limit. It's just all so confusing. Maybe I'd surprise myself and another man could turn me on and make me feel good in a way that my husband doesn't, but right now I just can't get into that vibe mentally.

[sexinthecity 15]

I do have another question for anyone who feels like answering, but particularly the men.

 

HONESTLY have you ever developed emotional feelings (love feelings) for the women in the swing world?

 

That seems truly inevitable and my biggest concern. My heart would be broken for sure.

[shrevecouple 252]

I don't think your gonna like the responses your gonna get on this one.

[Alura 2,775]

I do have another question for anyone who feels like answering, but particularly the men.

 

HONESTLY have you ever developed emotional feelings (love feelings) for the women in the swing world?

 

That seems truly inevitable and my biggest concern. My heart would be broken for sure.

 

HONESTLY: Never. The sex was quite different with our playmates. We didn't make love with them; we fucked them. There was laughter, jokes, and fun. The words "I love you" were never exchanged and the emotion never felt. (I know the poly-people will disagree, but that's them, not me.)

 

Perhaps a couple needs to work a bit to keep the atmosphere light and carefree. Mrs. Alura, always quick with a quip, was particularly good at this. At the risk of repeating myself (sorry!), here's an example:

 

Mrs. Alura was fucking a fellow for the first time, one who had an unreasonably large penis. There was a lot of noise coming from the bedroom so Mrs. Playmate and I went in to see what was happening.

 

Mrs. Alura: (breathlessly) "Oh, hi, Darling! I hope y'all came in to watch me come, 'cause I'm about to!" They didn't break their stride.

 

I: "I was a bit concerned. Is it hurting you?"

 

"Oh, no, Darling! It's doing a lot of things, but hurting me is not one of them. I've felt cocks in my throat before, but never from this direction!" We all laughed. It was big, but not that big.

 

"No, really! Kiss me, Rich, I want to see if you can lick the head of your cock. It's right here," she said, pointing at her throat just below her chin. She sucked his tongue into her mouth, grabbed his buttocks, pointed at the ceiling with her toes, and did what she said she was about to do. So did Rich.

 

Later she admitted it was all for fun. She couldn't really feel it in her throat.

 

After a play session, we always slept together. When she and I made love later, which we always did, it was about love, tenderness, and a feeling of gratitude for what we had with each other.

 

The two never mixed.

 

Alura

[sexinthecity 15]

I don't think your gonna like the responses your gonna get on this one.

 

 

Please elaborate...

 

And thank you Mr. Alura.

 

 

I just cannot imagine any woman having sex without an emotional connection, which would require the man to also engage in that emotional connection (to woo her basically). Heck, a guy would have to woo me to get me, so therefore I would have to have an emotional connection with the guy part of the equation to enjoy myself. I can't relax and enjoy oral sex with some random idiot (no offense not saying anyone is an idiot).

 

I need to be romanced to feel any sort of anything with anyone. Unless that someone just happens to be a beautiful woman. I think I could get over the romancing for that first-time experience.

[shrevecouple 252]

I said that because there are several I have seen on here that like the emotional connection and aren't threatened by it.

 

I personally don't want to be romanced by another man. I don't need to feel connected because I don't want to feel connected. Honestly I don't get that excited over other men. I am easily turned off by them. When we were picking a guy for our threesome I probably talked to and looked at pictures of probably 50 guys. They were either plain just unattractive to me or wanted to have explicit conversations day after day (like along the lines of cybersex style) or was just plain full of themselves. LOL When you start bragging about your skills how awesome you are in bed it don't get you anywhere with me. I ran across this alot. It didn't matter whether they were single or married. Men put a lot of stock in sex and swinging just seems to make alot of them over confident.

You may do ok with the FMF since you are bicurious and it would be a threeway connection. The lifestyle is almost centered around bi and bicurious women. In this scenario you and your husband would have a playmate and you could still feel connected to him. This is why MFM appeals to me. It still feels like sex with my husband with an added "toy" where swapping feels like a trade off. (and yes this is just my feelings and opinions..not speaking for the rest of course)

[Alura 2,775]

 

And thank you Mr. Alura.

 

You're welcome. What'd I do? Did I mention that I'm really enjoying this thread?

 

I just cannot imagine any woman having sex without an emotional connection, which would require the man to also engage in that emotional connection (to woo her basically). Heck, a guy would have to woo me to get me, so therefore I would have to have an emotional connection with the guy part of the equation to enjoy myself...

 

Where would our culture be without Rock Hudson and Elizabeth Taylor? Mrs. Alura once worried because "I cannot imagine any woman having sex with you and not wanting to spend the rest of her life with you." But she knew I felt the same way about her; therefore, there was no threat.

 

She did have the ability to fuck a guy just because she wanted to and think nothing of it later. "I came, Darling! How could I have 'taken one for the team'?"

 

I need to be romanced to feel any sort of anything with anyone. Unless that someone just happens to be a beautiful woman. I think I could get over the romancing for that first-time experience.

 

You might really enjoy a game we used to play with our Playcouple. We called it "Date Night." I'd call for Mrs. Playmate while her husband came to pick up Laura. We'd arrive at the restaurant but pretend we didn't know each other and sit at separate tables. We'd talk and flirt as if it were our first date. After dinner we'd go to our house where Mrs. Alura went to the prepared master bedroom with Mr. Playmate, (The kids were usually at Grandma's for the weekend.) and I'd take Mrs. Playmate to the prepared den. The first time we did this, I took Mrs. P. home, walked her to her front door hoping for a goodnight kiss and got one. Emily Post would have been proud of me! After that we got lazy, kissed them goodnight and Mrs. P. got a lift home with Mr. P.

 

That's when the "wooing" would get "turned off," and we'd concentrate on each other. In bed, we'd talk about our evenings and make love, enjoying each other's minds and sloppy seconds, to boot! God, I loved that woman!

 

Alura

[rainbowskye 102]

 

I just cannot imagine any woman having sex without an emotional connection, which would require the man to also engage in that emotional connection (to woo her basically). Heck, a guy would have to woo me to get me, so therefore I would have to have an emotional connection with the guy part of the equation to enjoy myself. I can't relax and enjoy oral sex with some random idiot (no offense not saying anyone is an idiot).

 

I need to be romanced to feel any sort of anything with anyone. Unless that someone just happens to be a beautiful woman. I think I could get over the romancing for that first-time experience.

 

For me the emotional connection comes when making love to my partner.

 

When I "fuck" someone, it is simply casual,meaningless sex. No attachment.

 

I can separate the two.

 

We recently had a 3some with a woman, who did become emotionally attached to my partner who was not reciprocating the feelings. She has found herself broken hearted because he is only in love with one person.

 

It is very easy to separate the two.

 

If you need to be 'wooed' to be sexual with man, swinging isn't going to be for you.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

But honestly I do not feel any craving for another man. My husband does everything that I need in bed.

 

Swinging most emphatically is not about getting something you need that your spouse isn't doing. Some swing couples have sexual experiences they don't have with their spouses, but it's very rare that a couple would ever swinging to get something they're not getting at home. Simply put, that's not the point. Not chastising you Just want to make that clear.

 

It's great if you have zero desire for any other man than your husband. No problems whatsoever.

 

if I had sex with another man just so he could have the same experience with the wife.

 

If either of you is "taking one for the team" so the other can get what they want, you're making a recipe for disaster.

 

 

I don't understand how so many women are into having sex with strange men because I can't really feel much unless I feel something

 

My wife was much like you. She couldn't imagine having sex with another man. Several years and several men later....

 

Sex with new people can be a blast. It's the adventure of the unknown, getting to play with someone completely different.

 

Maybe I'd surprise myself and another man could turn me on and make me feel good in a way that my husband doesn't, but right now I just can't get into that vibe mentally.

 

Again, it's not that another man could do something your husband can't.

 

If you have a fantastic bowl of ice cream, would you never try another flavor again?

 

HONESTLY have you ever developed emotional feelings (love feelings) for the women in the swing world?

 

That seems truly inevitable and my biggest concern. My heart would be broken for sure.

 

It's not just that I haven't; I can't imagine doing so. Even if I did, it would so pale in comparison to what I have with my wife that it just wouldn't gain traction.

 

In the line of work that I do, I am constantly meeting young and very attractive women. Some of them spark my interest in a physical way, but the notion of ever acting on it just doesn't click with me. Swinging? Sure. An affair? No. I just can't bridge that. There's a difference in swinging as opposed to an affair. It's not that it's cold, heartless sex. It's an understanding that it's not going anywhere emotionally, and you're just enjoying each other.

[sexinthecity 15]

Thanks again everyone. I am really enjoying the conversation and it has made us change our thoughts quite a bit.

 

I'm still not into other men. I don't think that is going to change anytime soon. So hubby isn't into me having sex with men just for us both to have the experience with another woman. He feels like that is the equivalent of him raping me through another man or letting another man rape me...that sort of thing. He would never do that.

 

So...we have changed our profile on these sites to say that we are only looking for women or couple where man watches only. I realize that will limit our options to .00005% of swingers, but still, that's where we honestly are and wouldn't be fair to a man for me to be there but not really into and in fact kind of turned off by the idea (no offense to any of the great guys on here). I enjoy making slow deep passionate feeling love to my husband...no way any guy could compare to that feeling...and I know the idea isn't to replace but the idea of a bunch of guys just fucking me...not really turning me on very much AT ALL.

 

For me to be into another guy, he would have to be charming, good looking, fun, and basically I would have to develop a serious crush on him...not something my husband wants and really not what I want either. Not even sure that would be possible for me.

 

We have one lady interested in a threesome, very attractive to both of us, but she doesn't travel to this area very often, maybe in a month or two we might get a chance to meet her. Otherwise doubtful we will participate.

 

And I'm still not sure that seeing him with another woman wouldn't hurt me. I am not hurt by his desire. He loves me. I know that he loves sex with me. He is just thrilled by the variety possibility because he has only had sex with two women in his life including me. Such a nice thoughtful guy; the crazy exciting world of swinging has his head spinning!

 

I have thought of having a no kissing/no penetration rule with the woman...this other woman is willing to abide because she is *very* bisexual and hot for me...does anyone think that might make me feel less jealous/hurt by seeing them together. Somehow touching/BJ doesn't seem like it would hurt me, but I could be wrong even about that...! And then I think maybe even penetration wouldn't hurt me as long as he didn't seem to be in "making love" mode...but not sure how I could define that for him or how he could prevent his own expressions...

 

God! Swinging sure isn't for everyone!!

[Gordo 618]

Quite the thread!

 

My wife feels the need to have a "connection" before she gives it up too. The idea of a drink and a quicky just isn't her style. I must admit I've grown past that thinking too.

 

One of the things about meeting guys is to actually meet them first before dismissing them. Wifey won't even look at a picture beforehand so she has no preconceived ideas. She judges them entirely on the desireability of their personality.

 

If (as mentioned) someone went through 50 pictures and dismissed them all you did them a disservice because I can tell you with almost certainty there was someone suitable in there.

 

You can overthink these situations. Just like finding out the fantasy oftens differs from the reality the process of trying to "prethink" all of your reactions can end up in a distorted viewpoint with the wrong conclusions.

 

The simplest solution to these pre-swing jitters is to engage in a soft swap scenario with reasonable rules & limits ahead of time. If that bothers you a hard swap is definitely off the menu. Start slow and start small. There's nothing wrong with that.