Husband becomes reluctant

[planejanesusan 18]

:HELP: From all the things I have read about swinging, it seems as though it is always the husband who wants to swing and is trying to persuade his wife to join him. In my case it has turned out just the opposite.

 

As I may have posted before, my DH suffers from complete erectile dysfunction as a result of medical conditions and required medications. For the past few years our sex life has consisted mostly of him performing oral sex on me which is good but not completely satisfying. DH knows I was very promiscuous when I was single, and I suspect that was something he once found very intriguing about me. Around a year ago we were confessing our fantasies and I admitted one of mine was to have vigorous interracial sex with a good-looking, muscled and virile black man like some of the XXX videos I have seen. He said he realized how much I must miss PIV sex and that his pet fantasy was always to watch me having sex with another man, preferably one that did not pose a love-interest threat. Assuming I would not be highly likely to become possessively and romantically attached to an African-American man, especially if I were to experience swinging in an interracial threesome, the idea seemed so exciting and non-threatening he joined a kinky interracial sex group that facilitates, among other things, interracial cuckolding, which is what he seemed to want at the time. As an uninhibited exhibitionist (who often thought I would have made a good porn actress) I became very excited about trying this.

 

We have had some delays in carrying this out because of his medical issues, but it is still something I want very badly to get into and now, without any definite explanation, he seems to be dragging his feet. I would really appreciate any helpful comments or suggestions from anyone about persuading a reluctant husband.

[slevin 1,374]

Jumping to a wild conclusion here. While it may have been a fantasy and may still hold some enticing thoughts for him...if he has complete erectile dysfunction, then the closer this comes to being a reality the more reservations he may be having. For many men the inability to get an erection is emasculating. So for him, in this situation, having you really wanting a 'virile' man to fuck you could be making him feel emasculated.

 

My suggestion is to stop trying to persuade him, and start trying to connect with him about why he wants to stop.

 

One question; if he was to say that he changed his mind. What would you do?

[rainbowskye 102]

I agree with Slevin. Once you try and convince someone to do something, especially when it comes to sex, it can backfire and hurt the relationship.

 

Apart from medical issues, once the fantasy becomes reality and doesn't go as it was fantasied about, he could have resentment toward you and this could hurt your relationship.

 

I would talk to him about his reservations, and not try and convince him to do this. If he is ready to take the leap, he will. It may not happen in your time, it should, if it is going to happen, happen when you are both completely ready.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I think there's quite a few men who are reluctant as well. It's certainly not uncommon.

 

There could be any number of issues that are of concern to him. As with any swinging concerns, the best medicine here is wide open discussion and patience.

 

I've often said that I were to become sexually incapacitated, I absolutely would not want my wife to be denied sex the rest of her life. I would welcome another man to become her regular sex partner to see to her needs. Of course, I have the benefit of having been swinging with her in multiple MFM's now for several years. But, if I did not have that benefit, the issue that would arise is this; reality isn't always as peachy as fantasy.

 

The fantasy is all fine and good...until suddenly the reality starts approaching. Crossing over to reality can be quite intimidating to some people. There's nothing wrong with that. It has to be exceptionally demoralizing to your husband for him to be sexually incapacitated. I know it certainly would affect me, and would quite possibly have an effect on my outlook of another man being a regular sex partner with my wife. Certainly part of me would feel most sad knowing another man was having sex with my wife, and that was not something my wife could do anymore with me. Yes, I would also be happy knowing she was, but part of me would be sad. That's reality.

 

Talk with your husband. Be kind, patient, loving, and keep those lines of communication absolutely wide open.

[Chicup 41]

If you were experienced swingers I could see this working.

 

As a newbie I see horrible possibilities.

 

So first he can't get it up.

Second his wife wants to get him to swing.

 

That's a one two punch to the ego, and a kick right between the insecurity zone.

 

Swinging is hard enough for some new couples and looking back to my state of mind when we first swung, something like this would have been disastrous for me.

 

If you value your marriage more than getting off, buy a strap on for him, and let him bring up the sex with other men on his own.

[Cajun2Step 65]

 

So first he can't get it up.

Second his wife wants to get him to swing.

 

That's a one two punch to the ego, and a kick right between the insecurity zone.

 

Read this carefully. You may be headed for trouble. I/We agree with Chicup completely.

[MN Tom 251]

Like others said, as a fantasy it's a safe idea. Non threatening, everything goes according to fantasy plan.

 

Reality though is never the same. And if he is looking at a potential life of non penetration sex, that is something he's going to have to live with in his mind. It's a blow to the male ego, and would be something he will struggle with until the end.

 

Mix that with the thought of some other man giving it to you and you enjoying it, and it could cause him worry and fear. And while he may be able to overcome that in reality, he may not. And then what happens?

 

Yes, I don't like this idea at all, especially from the viewpoint of being new.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

If you were experienced swingers I could see this working.

 

As a newbie I see horrible possibilities.

 

I thought about this, putting myself in his place. We have several years of experience, and if I'm honest with myself, it would still be very difficult for me to work through this if I were in the same position, even with our time in swinging.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be able to, I just recognize that I do have an ego that would struggle with the hit it would take.

 

If it would be that tough for me, having a fair amount of experience, I know I would have had 10 times more difficulty with this 10 years ago.

 

This is one of those times in which I wish I could be more positive and give the OP the feedback they really want to hear, but unfortunately, I can't.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[rainbowskye 102]

I talked to my guy about this, and he said from his perspective it would not only hurt the ego but cause other emotional distress to him and the relationship you two have.

[tribbles 490]

I gather he can not use any of the pills nor the shot? Is your hubby also not a candidate for a penile implant?

 

Penile implants - MayoClinic.com

 

The other thing I'd suggest if you want to try another male, is do it at a party....less chance of you and the random male you screw getting attached. And maybe you can make sure your hubby is still involved. Can he kiss you while you fuck with the other guy? Can he suck your nipples? Find some way he is still connected to you and bonding with you during the experience so your attention is not all on the guy doing PIV with you. You might even have him licking your clit while the other guy penetrates you.

[Just Passing By 140]

It could just be semantics, but often groups/sites that deal with "Cuckolding" incorporate a degree of humiliation of the husband, rather than "just" the wife having extra fun. If so this would exacerbate the above-mentioned concerns.

[planejanesusan 18]

Thank you all for your concern and helpful responses.

 

DH and I have resolved the issues he was having - he has been concerned that he was pushing me into more than I wanted to do. It was he, not me, who first brought up the swinging idea and I could not understand why he seemed to be backing away from it.

 

We are both now very excited about getting into it, and he is very adamant that he wants his participation to be limited to just watching me and, hopefully, two other men, and wants me to be completely uninhibited with them. I can hardly wait!

 

Thanks again.

 

Susan

[Jake1178 18]

A lot of good posts here. I think if I were in his position, I would be reluctant as well. It's not just an add on to the relationship, but he has to have another man do his job.

 

Also, sounds like your first time doing anything like this. That also can make the situation intense.

[planejanesusan 18]

Thanks for your opinion, Jake, but I am afraid you haven't read my posts here.

Susan

[Maxhnb 15]

Jane,

 

As an older man who has had some erectile dysfunction, I learned to use a lot more foreplay...and it makes me last longer. When she wanted to try another man I had no problem with it and got pretty turned on watching it. It is a cuckolding experience, but I didn't find it damaging though I had some trepidation about it.

 

I got a lot of pleasure seeing her get pleased. She is my lifetime partner and its all about making her feel fulfilled. It was something we did together...she got really lost in it and let go like I never have seen before.

 

If you want to enlist him, see if he can see it this way...that he can enjoy your pleasure with you.

[planejanesusan 18]

I thought I should thank you all for your suggestions and let you know how it turned out. We finally went through with it and have been "cuckold" or "hot wife" swingers for more than three years with fantastic success. Husband has enjoyed himself immensely and I have had the most fantastic sex life I could ever have imagined!

[angelkin 1,326]

Thanks for the update! Glad things worked out for you both

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Yes, thank you for coming back and updating your thread.