They want the female - not the male

[TheBucketList 15]

She is 5'4" 135 he is 5'10 250.

He's military, so while he is on the bigger side - he's extremely fit.

However we have run into issues more than once where his size has turned other couples away. Ironically they are the same couples that say size is not an issue, or they themselves are carrying a few extra pounds.

 

I (the female) am a bit lost on how to ease the insecurities this is causing for him. Not to mention I'm a bit tired of trying to convince people that he's not obese. The weight in lbs is deceiving. That he's an incredibly giving sexual partner, and that we are a package deal. It's rarely the male half of a couple that seems to have the issue. It's always the female half of the couple that seems to take issue.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the issue of where half of your swing couple is not considered play worthy by couples you are attracted to?

[VegasLee 1,486]

Anyone that you need to try to convince is not going to be interested so don't waste your time.

 

Go to a Swingers club that has many people and you WILL FIND someone that wants to play with you.

 

At times we have many "bigger" people at the club and they don't seem to lack for fun times.

 

Most of the time we have found with bigger people it is their attitude more then it is their size.

 

Seems some bigger folks worry about it more then those that desire to play with them.

[jandscincy 16]

BucketList- I could not love your screen name more! So perfect! Wish I'd thought of it!

 

We are new and will likely run into the same trouble so I can't help but I couldn't let the name go without a comment! Clever, clever, clever...

[Learning 160]

Just putting this out there. If people have thus issue, they are not worthy of you two. Keep moving on as a united front and there are good couples out there for you both keep the faith.

[TheBucketList 15]

Thanks jandscincy

[TheBucketList 15]

We really don't want to "force" anyone or convince them that he's worth their time or that he'd be a great play partner. No one wants to feel like an play date is forced or someone is taking one for the "team".

 

We had attempted to attend a hotel take over, but unfortunately I ended up with a nasty cold the night before and we had to opt out.

 

For me personally- I prefer the teddy bear build on a guy over the gym rat.

And as for women - I guess I feel the same way, I would much rather have her have some softness and curves than toothpick bony. But that being said - if there was a personality click - I wouldn't put in a veto vote solely based on the fact he looks like he lives in the gym and she's stick straight without any cushion.

 

His preference - big boobs lol. But that's not a deal killer either.

 

I guess when we decided to get into this, we had assumed that there wouldn't be so much body discrimination. *Of course we're not trying to lump everyone into that category* It doesn't help that we are sort of stuck looking in the WI and ND areas. Due to work, we live in different states so that doesn't help either. (ND - has been the most out going welcoming people that we have found, but unfortunately - we're not comfortable having our first experience with people who are 20+ years older than us - We have no issues with playing with older or younger people, but we'd rather work up to that, so in the meantime we are keeping them as friendships and hoping the rest will just work itself out)

[two4youinswva 3,068]

This does happen from time to time. VegasLee hit on the best way to avoid this, although it can happen at a club too. We were invited to play with two other couples one time, but after a little time, it was apparent that they were only interested in Mrs two4you. That was one time in seven years, so it was more of an anomaly than a ongoing issue in our opinion.

 

Good luck and stay at it. You'll find the right couple!

[iceman7570 40]

We have run into this same problem and another one with it, first off I am 6-4,330# and the wife is 5-2, 170#. We are what we are and have had times ppl did not want to meet us cause of size issues, at least I am not at 470# anymore.....LOL. We have even had couples decline to meet with us do too myself being too mean looking ...WTF, got judged and they never even spoke too me, just saw a pic. Overall you just do what we ahve done that is take your time, talk and fantasize, and above all have fun it will happen when you least expect it too.........

[MN Tom 251]

Yeah, well this is just a fact of life. Not everyone is attracted to certain body types.

 

Best bet from my view is to clearly state and show your body type in pictures and on the profile. And then when people meet you, they wont be surprised.

 

Im not saying you guys are deceiving, but maybe you arent being forthcoming enough with how he carries his weight either. If he looks as good or better than his pictures, there shouldnt be a problem when he shows up in real life.

 

 

But yes, it is a tough issue. Keep in mind that females (in general) are always in demand. And due to the plethora of what appears to be hot and fit single males everywhere (some fib on profiles mind you), some people get a bit of an unrealistic idea of what they can have.

 

Im with you on the irony too. Gotta love it when someone who is one shape is against others of the same shape. It's like they dont realize that we all live in glass houses.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Do you two have an Swing Lifestyle profile?

 

I've seen people where the husbands pressure the wives into an encounter but most often I find that the woman dictates who they sleep with and who they don't. Mrs. Diggs has a very tight sliding scale of who she finds attractive where mine is a yard stick.

 

I'm sure you were very selective when you chose your husband. He had all the qualities you were looking for but swinging isn't about the whole package sometimes and more often than not it can be finding those qualities you find attractive in a sexual situation but not necessarily a romantic one.

 

It makes it harder. Mrs Diggs and I are average and we know that and every social we go to we will find two or three people that will be all over us individually but very rarely is it with two people who happen to be part of the same couple, LOL.

 

It's not easy but when you connect it's makes the frustration of the wait worthwhile. I feel for you both and know that maybe the body/looks discrimination may not to the same degree, it's the same for everyone.

 

Good luck !!

[jandscincy 16]

This thread started an amusing game in our house...since we are so new to this and haven't met anyone (save the one Craigslist MFM that thankfully was a success so I didn't run screaming for the hills!). OK, anyway--- we haven't had the chance to see how potential partners react to us or how we might react to them.

 

We did, however, cycle through our list of friends, neighbors, business associates, kids' friends' parents etc and share who we might be interested in! Turns out that I (Mrs. jands or S) am FAR less picky than Mr. jands, at least in talk! That was a surprise to me.... I rather thought men looked at an opportunity as an opportunity!!

 

For me, it is about comfort level. If I can talk with you and relax then I suspect the rest will come naturally? If you are pleasant and fun that's good enough for me. I don't have to look at you over my Cheerios for the next 20 years!

[TheBucketList 15]

I would have less issue if it was a matter of us being decieving about our bodies/size. That is not the case - we have clear pictures of us - and a direct statement of our height/weight and activity. He's not flabby - he's barrell chested with large arms and legs (football in HS and College and has been military for over 6 years)

 

I can appreciate everyone has different tastes. I have mind - he has his and so on and so on. I'm truly starting to think that people who are responding to our profiles quite simply are NOT reading them.

 

On a side note - one of my biggest pet peeves thus far have been the people who share pics that are way outdated. We had a couple contact us that has similar body descriptions - they had similar interests and expectations - we though jack pot! So we requested photos - and they sent us pics that seriously made me question if I was talking to the same people. The pics were easily 50-70lbs lighter and obviously 10+ years old. When I questioned it - they got offended and explained that they were old pics and have since put on weight and weren't comfortable sharing the newer pics of themselves. All I kept thinking was - how are we suppose to be comfortable with them - if they aren't even comfortable with themselves?!

 

 

Yeah, well this is just a fact of life. Not everyone is attracted to certain body types.

 

Best bet from my view is to clearly state and show your body type in pictures and on the profile. And then when people meet you, they wont be surprised.

 

Im not saying you guys are deceiving, but maybe you arent being forthcoming enough with how he carries his weight either. If he looks as good or better than his pictures, there shouldnt be a problem when he shows up in real life.

 

 

But yes, it is a tough issue. Keep in mind that females (in general) are always in demand. And due to the plethora of what appears to be hot and fit single males everywhere (some fib on profiles mind you), some people get a bit of an unrealistic idea of what they can have.

 

Im with you on the irony too. Gotta love it when someone who is one shape is against others of the same shape. It's like they dont realize that we all live in glass houses.

[TheBucketList 15]

LOL -JandS I love this!!!

I don't have to look at you over my Cheerios for the next 20 years!

[s_couple 48]

If you have pictures of both of you on your profile and others aren't interested in playing with you after seeing the pictures, then don't bother trying to convince them otherwise. That's just a total waste of time because chances are they're not going to change their minds and will feel that you're pushy if you keep asking. That's not good.

 

If the say no, thank them for replying and move on.

 

Just a suggestion... you may get more positive responses if you're looking for others that are similar to you. Loosely quoting from the Swinger Manual book, if you consider yourselves a 6, then look for couples that are between 5-7. If you're looking for couples that are 9 or 10, chances are they'll say no. In this lifestyle, similarities attract and that includes physical attributes.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

She is 5'4" 135 he is 5'10 250.

He's military, so while he is on the bigger side - he's extremely fit.

However we have run into issues more than once where his size has turned other couples away. Ironically they are the same couples that say size is not an issue, or they themselves are carrying a few extra pounds.

 

I can empathize with your husband. I played college football at 255. After 3 months of basic and infantry training, running 7-8 miles a day and 16 plus hours a day of working my ass off, I still weighed 252. I am a big guy, always have been, always will be. 20 years later I am 35-40 pound above that. People see my weight and think fat slob, I know because I have been told that was their first thought. I have had people question how old my photos (all recently taken) are because the number does not look like it jives with the photos. Could I be more fit? Absolutely, but I am, even at my weight, in decent shape. But that shape is not for everyone so I don't worry about what others think.

 

I (the female) am a bit lost on how to ease the insecurities this is causing for him. Not to mention I'm a bit tired of trying to convince people that he's not obese. The weight in lbs is deceiving.

 

Don't try to convince anyone, just go meet people. Find a local party and meet people face to face. I have met plenty of people that did not respond to us or bypassed our profile based on my weight. They see the weight (picks are not publicly shown) and move on. No problem, it is their call. That is the cool thing about the LS, people get to choose. I have had a great time with beautiful, sexy and petite ladies, you know, the kind that were not looking for someone "like" me. Sometimes they do not initially make the connection between me and my profile, or realize their mental image does not match reality.

 

As for insecurities, well, your husband has been an athlete and a military man. In both cases he learned you get knocked down and beat up and you learn to get up, dust yourself off and charge on. This is no different. You can't take every rejection as a personal indictment. There may just not be anything there that clicks. I am not everyone's cup of tea, that is fine by me. I treat everyone the same, with courtesy and kindness, if we are both interested, then lets have some fun, if not then lets be friends, no hard feelings.

 

We have even had couples decline to meet with us do too myself being too mean looking ...WTF

 

Yeah, I have gotten that one too. I am told I look evil, particularly when I smile. GO figure. I have also had someone tell me I am too nice that I need to be more aggressive. Everyone has their point of view and they can vary wildly.

 

Loosely quoting from the Swinger Manual book, if you consider yourselves a 6, then look for couples that are between 5-7. If you're looking for couples that are 9 or 10, chances are they'll say no.

 

As a general rule, I agree, but I have been floored how many 5's think they are 9's. And even a good many 9's think they are 5's (my wife is one of these, I wish I could say I was a one of these also, but I am pretty sure I am a 6 maybe 7 on a good day )

 

Some people are just delusional. One profile here locally goes on and on about how much they work out, that they have a trainer, work out 4-5 days a week, yadda yadda yadda. That they are fit and HWP and "demand" the same of their playmates. They go on ad nauseam. I met the lady from that profile at a party, but did not put her together with the profile at first. When I finally did, I nearly blew my scotch all over her in stunned disbelief. She had not seen a gym in 15 years, if ever. Had I wanted to be a jerk I would have told her to fire her trainer that she bragged about.

 

Now she was attractive and in decent shape, but not at all what she described in her profile. Even if I had been interested in her I would have put a halt to it right there. If you fool around with someone that out of touch with reality, you come home to find the kids rabbit boiling on the stove.

 

In the end, meet, mingle, make friends and have fun. The right playmates will come around.

[celtic239 297]

There may be another motive behind this, being that the other couple had only wanted to engage in a FFM threesome.

[bjersr 49]

The exact thing happens to us. I am a power lifter so I carry a lot of weight. I’m 601 275 I was almost 300, I lost 25 lbs because of surgery. I just put it in our profile. I state clearly I am not HWP but I’m not fat. There are a lot of couples that say they are looking for a couple when they are really just looking for another woman. When I take my shirt off and they feel how hard my muscles are they usually don’t complain LOL. We were at a swinging club recently standing at the bar with no shirt on and a towel around my waist. The next thing I know I feel a woman’s hands run up and down my back. Then I hear “I just love man with a wide back“. So keep looking there are plenty of wonderful women with great attitudes toward us BIG GUYS. My wife loves big guys. Whenever we get turned down because of my size or they are just looking for her. She tells them no thanks and then tells me, they don’t know what they are missing. Stay positive and you will find the right couple that will appreciate you AND your husband.

[josmonkey80 15]

you are a "package deal", and thats that... of course the female half of the other couple must find him attractive, and i suppose if she is'nt into a bigger man then thats not her thing, but.. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that prefer a bigger man. so you will find someone.

 

I think the feeling of "taking one for the team" is something that springs to mind here,.. and most often can cause a problem for most.

[frontosa415 21]

why worry about other peoples hang ups,after all we are all here to get laid,hang in there the true lifestyle people will come,

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We run into it often as well, as much at clubs as via the ads. There are just a lot of couples where they are more interested in finding a female than a male. Not long ago, however, I had the tables turned and found myself watching a woman try to pick up hubby and completely ignoring me. I found it humorous but at the same time very interesting to see the other side.

[magiriano 84]

We really don't want to "force" anyone or convince them that he's worth their time or that he'd be a great play partner. No one wants to feel like an play date is forced or someone is taking one for the "team".

 

We had attempted to attend a hotel take over, but unfortunately I ended up with a nasty cold the night before and we had to opt out.

 

For me personally- I prefer the teddy bear build on a guy over the gym rat.

And as for women - I guess I feel the same way, I would much rather have her have some softness and curves than toothpick bony. But that being said - if there was a personality click - I wouldn't put in a veto vote solely based on the fact he looks like he lives in the gym and she's stick straight without any cushion.

 

His preference - big boobs lol. But that's not a deal killer either.

 

I guess when we decided to get into this, we had assumed that there wouldn't be so much body discrimination. *Of course we're not trying to lump everyone into that category* It doesn't help that we are sort of stuck looking in the WI and ND areas. Due to work, we live in different states so that doesn't help either. (ND - has been the most out going welcoming people that we have found, but unfortunately - we're not comfortable having our first experience with people who are 20+ years older than us - We have no issues with playing with older or younger people, but we'd rather work up to that, so in the meantime we are keeping them as friendships and hoping the rest will just work itself out)

 

:applause:

 

Very well said.

We have the same issue.

While we both are HWP, I(male half) at 5'11/185 LBS, am 10-15 lbs overweight, and have gray hair(had it since I was 14), and it seems a big turn off to some people.

What they don't know is that my entire life until I met Mrs. Magiriano, I was 35-40 LBS UNDERWEIGHT, and, how hard I had to work on finally having some meat on my bones. It wasn't her cooking, she couldn't cook worth a dime, probably the peace of mind, now, after 10 yrs together we both cook, and, Mrs. Magiriano is actually very good at it if I help with the final touches.

Could I use some exercising, sure, but I am finally so happy with my weight that I am afraid to be skinny once again.

And, I like a chubby girl vs an anorexic gym rat, someone bubbly and cuddly and comfortable in their own skin. I don't have a body type, or a certain type of girl I like, it's all in their personalities, same with men, if they're masculine and confident, I'm game.

Mrs Magiriano on the other hand..... Well, let's just say she's shallow when it comes to looks...... She likes them tall dark and handsome, and likes girlie girls, HWP or skinny.....

That really complicates things for us swinging as a couple........