First Club Visit & Feeling

[Raven74 15]

Hey guys, this is my second post to another one but I have some questions.

 

Me and the wife went to our first club the other night and though we had a blast, I had a few feelings that popped up and bothered me. Our night started with a few drinks and we met a bunch of good people and I was a little bothered a couple times when my wife was being touched and turned on by another man but not that bad and was easy to overcome. I was pretty fine with mingling and talking to everyone but at one point I notice there was some very good chemistry between my wife and another man...It made me jealous or feel slightly threatened and I said something to her after they had made out .... which really had bothered me.

 

At the time I had said something to her the other guy had just waled up and was kissing on her and feeling her up...he was stand up because she simple said she had overstepped her boundaries and he left her alone. Very respectful!!

 

My problem is I don't know how to overcome these feelings or even what stirs them up. Is this normal and how do I overcome these feelings. We dont want to full swap right now and really enjoyed the club and showing off in the rooms a few different times through the night but I don't want my feelings getting in the way of us having a good time. We would like to go back to the club and we have both talked about everything that went on but I just don't want to be the one that brings the drama when I hate drama so much

 

Any feedback or help would be awesome!!!!

[MN Tom 251]

It just sounds like you aren't ready yet. You are having the basic jealousy issues at this point, and you should discuss them thoroughly with the wife.

 

Then, if you want to go back, make sure you really discuss what boundaries you will have.

 

The feelings are normal, it depends on the severity of the feelings for if you will be able to continue or not.

[angelkin 1,326]

I think our first visits to the club have been much the same. Jealousy is a funny thing and I don't know that there is a way to control it except to talk it out, let your feelings be known in a respectful manner, and over time we have discovered that the jealousy tends to resolve itself. For me, I've become desensitized to it...I know who we're going home with - each other! That knowledge is enough to comfort me and my feelings of jealousy have more or less dissolved.

 

I think hubby still has twinges of jealousy that are situationally based. There's a fine line for him and at times, it can be hard to read where that line is and not cross it. Bravo to the two of you - you for being open enough to communicate that you were uncomfortable and she for responding to it so immediately.

 

As you visit the club each time, as a couple, you will find the right balance for you both. We are constantly redefining what is and isn't ok with us. We have discovered it depends on the mood, the other parties involved, our expectations for the evening, and a myriad of factors.

 

Sounds like you both handled it well - don't be discouraged. It does seem to get easier:)

[Raven74 15]

We had discussed boundaries and kissing was about the only one we had besides not playing with anyone else at this point. We have both talked about our night in detail as well as everything that went on and she agrees that she may have overstepped her boundaries and we now know more about setting those limitations for ourselves. I reacted quick to my issues and let my wife know how I felt at that time and she did stop anything that bothered me. The feelings were not to the point of ending our night, causing a big scene or creating a bad reaction but I wasn't sure if the feelings were normal or not.

 

 

I totally left out the nights ending in my post...

Though we may have had a little more to drink than expected, the night ended with us going to a room for a party. We had no intent to swap but ended up having sex with each other while she gave head and I made out with a woman that was next to us in bed. That caused no issue and was a huge turn on!!! We had sex that next morning for a couple hours, that afternoon and when we got home a few more times!! We continue to talk about everything, our issues and our likes and dislikes..this is about us and we both know communication is key!

[Tina and Bob 236]

Sounds like you two are staying positive and communicating properly.

[WildMiCouple 325]

You'll find that kissing is one of the first rules that get broken and/or tossed out. It's generally a newbie rule and from our experience, typically a younger couple too. And definately a rule that would stop us from playing, no matter how hot or attractive the couple was. Kissing is just too much fun to leave out of playing

I totally left out the nights ending in my post...

Though we may have had a little more to drink than expected, the night ended with us going to a room for a party. We had no intent to swap but ended up having sex with each other while she gave head and I made out with a woman that was next to us in bed. That caused no issue and was a huge turn on!!!

Now this interesting. You both have the "no kissing" rule. Wifey breaks the rule earlier in the night and abruptly stops and apologizes after you call her out on it. Then later in the evening, you go and break the same rule when she's going down on you Kind of sounds like a tit-for-tat mentality. These are the exact type of actions in couples that we avoid.....as they usually result in the dreaded drama situations we all hate to find ourselves in.

 

Good luck in your ventures. But please work things out between yourselves before you drag an unsuspecting couple into a mess.

 

Brett

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

I just want to add one something regarding your reaction. Jealousy is mostly a negative emotion. But, it doesn't mean it is a wrong emotion. It's ok for you to feel upset about another man playing with your wife. You don't need someone's permission to feel that way, and you're not a bad person for feeling that way.

[Raven74 15]

We are both on here and have both read all the comments so far as well as communicated back and forth about everything. The comments are really appreciated!

 

To better explain things .... We had both kinda set our little rules before deciding on anything and about a month prior...there was a lack of communication on our part prior to the event..we were both quite nervous We both understand how great kissing is and for that part it was a kiss that brought us both together 11 years ago!! It really wasn't so much the kiss as it was my vibe that I got from the encounter...just made me very uneasy with that particular person and my wife has no issues with kissing from either of us.

 

As far as the tit-for-tat...there is none of that here but that was a really great point that you brought up. To clarify, my wife was the one that encouraged me to kiss the other woman while I was fucking my wife. There was no intended getting back at anyone or drama but we were just enjoying ourselves in the moment and it was a mutual feeling. The kiss prior was not as mutual and my wife was super cool when it was brought up and didn't remember what we had actually discussed fully. Plus a few drinks kinda got in the way since she doesn't drink to much.

 

Also, We aren't ones that air our laundry or consent to drama in the wrong places. If we have issues we find ourselves the appropriate place to discuss whats wrong and move on in a diplomatic manner. We would never involve any person or couple in any type of unneeded drama since we ourselves wouldn't want to be put in that situation.

 

Less words...we aren't the ones you can count on to drag someone into a mess We have also talked to the guy since the event and explained we are new to the lifestyle and we were working out our boundaries... he was very understanding and respectful about everything. He and his wife also invited us to a house party and since they have been in the lifestyle for many years they are willing to help us in the lifestyle if we would like. I hope we were able to clarify everything better...my fingers can never keep up with my brain on the keyboard

[Raven74 15]

I just want to add one something regarding your reaction. Jealousy is mostly a negative emotion. But, it doesn't mean it is a wrong emotion. It's ok for you to feel upset about another man playing with your wife. You don't need someone's permission to feel that way, and you're not a bad person for feeling that way.

 

So what is the best way to deal with this when you encounter it or that may just be something I have to figure out. We both get along with everyone but her choices wouldn't always be the choices I would make in a person...we have talked about this for two days now and know that we will be taking it slow and communicating much more prior to anything and after anything!

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

So what is the best way to deal with this when you encounter it or that may just be something I have to figure out. We both get along with everyone but her choices wouldn't always be the choices I would make in a person...we have talked about this for two days now and know that we will be taking it slow and communicating much more prior to anything and after anything!

 

No ready answers for this.

 

For me, my journey with jealousy began 25 years ago or so. I remember being upset that my girlfriend at the time was going to being naked in front of a gynecologist. Silly, I know, but that's how I was then. It took me some time and a really, really nasty relationship before I began to understand just how negative of an emotion jealousy can be, and how ugly it can be.

 

For my wife and I, the sort of guy she chooses to play with is always a subset of whom I would be content for her to play with. That makes it pretty easy for us. She now knows that if she likes the guy, I'll be cool with him too. For you and your wife, I think you're going to have to compare notes. There's ways to do this without verbal communication. My wife and I have a discrete little hand signal that's done under the table if we're talking with someone or a couple. One of us will give the other a gentle squeeze on the thigh, and if everything's good the other will give a single squeeze back ("one ping Vasily, and one ping only"). If not, then two, or no response means wait, I'm deciding.

 

It's important that you and your wife maintain excellent communication with each other. I think it's excellent that you're both here reading what's being said. Bravo! Keep up the great communication. Always remember you're doing this together, not apart. If it's not fun for one of you, it's not fun for either of you.

 

For me, I get a lot of pleasure from helping my wife be happy. Swinging for us has been an excellent exploration into our wildest fantasies, our deepest sexual desires. It's been a journey we've taken together. We've given each other the freedom to explore life completely, but do it together and rejoice in each others' inner discoveries.

 

I think with time that your concerns about jealousy will fade. The right guy, the right evening, things will click. You'll most likely find it intensely erotic watching your wife enjoy having sex with another man. Jealousy might creep in, but remember she's going home with you, not him. She's in love with you, not him. You're the one she married, not him. I can be more intimate with my wife holding her hand than another guy can be having sex with her.

[MN Tom 251]

So what is the best way to deal with this when you encounter it or that may just be something I have to figure out. We both get along with everyone but her choices wouldn't always be the choices I would make in a person...we have talked about this for two days now and know that we will be taking it slow and communicating much more prior to anything and after anything!

 

For us, one thing to keep in mind is that her choices of someone to play with have next to nothing to do with her choices in a life partner. Part of the lifestyle is getting to live out fantasies, and people have fantasies about others that they know (in reality) they would not associate with.

 

So, while we technically have "veto" capability over each other's playmates, the only reason we would ever veto is if we saw something in the playmate that was bad. Bad temper, dishonest.. That kind of stuff.

Otherwise we just let it go. Pretty much we have found that we choose playmates that are perfectly acceptable to each other, but sometimes we have desires for ones that are kinda "really?" to the other person. So we talk about our reasons and enjoy.

 

That's just us though. Everyone is different

[StewartP 171]

It's fortunate when jealousy issues are discovered in situations that don't lead to mahem...

 

The first couple we ever met, we met for a drink, look/see and all got on famously. In my head I was ready for swinging, loved the idea, thought I was the intellectual liberated man. But when I saw my wife kissing the guy....

the blood drained from my face, I was stunned and shocked and obviously NOT ready to go any further.

 

It was a great wake up call and forced me to confront my jealousy and double standards.

 

2 years later and I'm much better, but still have some issues to get over. I'm slow to get to grips with the idea that my wife is not my property, that the loss of my exlusivity of her is a selfish emotion. That she is her own person and she chooses to stay with me because she loves me.

 

I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that the way I am with other women, ie: I love making love to them, kissing and touching them, but it's just fun, a distraction, some variety, it's the same way for her when she's enjoying other men.

[jandscincy 16]

Looking at profiles, I recently realized that I get a small twinge of jealousy when my husband expresses a preference for a blonde! Since I am a brunette (well, red right now;)) I think I feel this way because he is picking something "other."

 

I am thrilled that I saw it early and that we can laugh about my "blonde bias" but since we are very, very new at this I think this issue will be worth watching! He jokes that we should focus on couples with brunettes at first just to be sure!

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is nice to get affirmation here that gung ho and happy to be moving forward can co-exsist with those small moments of jealousy!

[Raven74 15]

You guys are really awesome for sharing your experiences and your feelings relating to the lifestyle. We couldn't tell you how much we appreciate it and I couldn't start to say how much I appreciate it...this has helped put me on the right path to better communication with my wife and learn that this can be a normal feeling as long as it isn't overwhelming and you learn about it and where it may stem from. Also learning how to keep it in check.

 

We have since backed off a little to communicate more and for me to really work toward opening up with my wife and us getting on the path we want to be on. We would still like to attend the club again but this time will be a ton more talk both way before hand, just before hand, while we are there and all the time after. I believe that I can say that we both have taken what we have been through so far as something to learn from.

 

My wife has changed our SLS to just exhibitionist for now and we plan to make some simple rules for ourselves and just keep it slow. Our one main rule now it simply to not bother chatting or dealing with anyone unless we are both present. I believe that one of my problems stems from her greater amount of experience in the lifestyle and my own experience being absolutely nonexistent ...for that matter...very conservative and only a few partners ever. We also have had a few issues in the past that I really need to move on from but all in all I love my wife more than anything and I know she loves me just as much

 

Thanks again for all the feedback - I'm sure one of us will be posting again soon

[Agile_Galaxo 117]

I love my wife more than anything

 

Most will disagree with me on this, but it works for me: if you truly love someone you remove your emotional shackles from them. Ultimately, we fear loss and if there is one life teaches us nothing can stop someone from moving on and abandoning us. Nothing- even pleasant relational cages, which are the antithesis of love but since they are socially encouraged we place lovers within these constraints.

 

I let my birdie go. She returns daily and this pleases me far more than keeping her bound and constrained to alleviate my own insecurities.

[Alura 2,775]

A lovely sentiment, Agile. But it's been my experience that "if you truly love someone" you don't want to go anywhere.

 

Alura

[Agile_Galaxo 117]

A lovely sentiment, Agile. But it's been my experience that "if you truly love someone" you don't want to go anywhere.

 

Alura

 

...which makes many avoid what is perceived to be the slippery slope of alternative lifestyles, Alura.

 

If a person loves singularly then, certainly, they may have no desire to broaden their relational horizon. However, humanity is just too diverse to exercise for a single approach to love. Those in polyamory, polygamy, and the world of serial monogamy can attest to this.

 

I see love as something that ebbs and flows according to the whim of life. Sometimes it rushes and overwhelms, other times it is just a trickle which indicates love isn't unchanging and humans are vulnerable to this.

 

How many people are no longer attached to each other when at one time they claimed to have loved deeply and would never think of going elsewhere? And, because of any number of unexpected factors love is challenged. I've witnessed others having to deal with this and in most cases I've seen relationships sadly fail as a result of this process overwhelming limitations.

 

I see no reason why one cannot love deeply and yet fail. Love isn't perfect after all.

[Alura 2,775]

I should add that swapping mates to put some variety into a couple's sex life has nothing to do with love.

 

Alura

[Agile_Galaxo 117]

I should add that swapping mates to put some variety into a couple's sex life has nothing to do with love.

 

Alura

 

Sure, but to totally remove the emotional connection would make swapping mechanical and uninteresting. Sex can be boring if you have zero emotional connection. I'm not calling this emotional connection love, per se', but I do think the rudiments of attraction involve some of the brain chemicals required for this thing we call 'love'.

[Alura 2,775]

Sure, but to totally remove the emotional connection would make swapping mechanical and uninteresting. Sex can be boring if you have zero emotional connection. I'm not calling this emotional connection love, per se', but I do think the rudiments of attraction involve some of the brain chemicals required for this thing we call 'love'.

 

It's been my experience that sex without love can be more "fun" than "making love" which is certainly more fulfilling. Whether it was for fun or expressing love, I've never known sex to be mechanical, uninteresting, nor boring.

 

I think developing the ability to separate the two are among the biggest challenges for a new couple entering swinging.

 

Alura

[lustylearning 705]

It's been my experience that when I'm wrapped up in new relationship energy, I don't want to go anywhere, but when I am firmly grounded in love, I can open up and move about without fear of loss. There is a confidence born of love. This is the trick for the swinger - to know and believe that love trumps sex.

[Agile_Galaxo 117]

It's been my experience that sex without love can be more "fun" than "making love" which is certainly more fulfilling. Whether it was for fun or expressing love, I've never known sex to be mechanical, uninteresting, nor boring.

 

I think developing the ability to separate the two are among the biggest challenges for a new couple entering swinging.

 

Alura

 

Define love. And not with with conventional Hollywood terms.

[Raven74 15]

Interesting point of views but for us...I am sure I can fully speak on the behalf of us since this would be my first time posting without my wife sitting here next to me... For us this would have nothing to do with love except for our love of each other.

 

We aren't looking for another relationship with someone or to fill any type of void, our sex life is great, our love life is great and our relationship isn't looking to be fixed. We are simply a couple who has some wild ideas and fantasies that we believe could be fun to explore. I do believe what Alura stated in that when you truly love someone you don't want to go anywhere and that comment also relates so much for me with the comment about being able to separate the emotions when swinging.

 

Though we haven't yet done anything, I believe that I have to learn that those emotions can be separated and that swinging would only be something FUN rather than anything else. My wife has so much more experience than me and seems to have no problem with doing that and with that I can understand how separating the two could be my biggest challenge. Without the support she has shown me I would never even consider any of this...she is so excited about exploring this but on the other hand has been reassuring in the fact that she is fine doing anything within my comfort zone even if we never actually end up swinging. AWESOME WIFE

 

Now my turn is figuring out how to deal with my own emotions, how to ease into this using baby steps so that I can learn how to deal with my emotions and how/where to actually start. Also learning how to relax more wouldn't hurt

 

We have talked about checking out a house party but I'm unsure if my limitations would fit in there and going somewhere where I don't know anyone and the environment would be a lot more intimate seems kinda scary. I'm just learning how to communicate my desires with my wife and I don't know how well I would be at this with other people or with other people in the setting. Then there is the MFM or FMF...I've read how this could leave someone with the feelings of being left out and that isn't what we are looking for. As for couples...everyone seems to be so far past where I am and I don't know if they would be willing to work with someone as new as myself. Plus another noob couple doesn't seem like they would fit since they are also very new to everything. No one wants any type of drama! So how slow is slow..is sex with your own partner is the same room as another couple to soft and unrealistic for us and others or should I be trying to set my limitations further?

 

I know that the only way to truly know how I will feel and to know any experience is to go try it but I don't want that to be to much for my emotions or end up taking one for the team cause I don't know how to communicate properly during the course. lol, if this was my job it would be soooo easy...I'm always confident, making decisions on the fly and enforcing rules and policies without hesitation. Sorry for rambling on but our experiences and communication has done so much for us so far and this board has been such a great tool!! NO, not that kind of tool

[Alura 2,775]

Define love. And not with with conventional Hollywood terms.

 

In twenty-five words or less, Agile?

 

From The Concise Oxford Dictionary: love n. 1. Warm affection, attachment, liking or fondness, paternal benevolence, affectionate devotion, (of, for, to, or towards person, for or to thing; ...

 

It goes on, taking up parts of three columns. It's a good thing the dictionary is "concise," no?

 

Much wiser people than I, from Aristotle to Plato to Shakespere to Elizabeth Barrett Browning to Hermann Hesse to Longfellow to Bob Dylan, to Judy Collins, to The Eagles, to my poet son, Twenty-two, have made the attempt to define love. I know of none who have fully succeeded. I think I'll go for a motorcycle ride, instead.

 

Alura