Is this a female dominated subculture?

[luckystar505 15]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I'm new to this forum as well as the swinging lifestyle as I have always been in monogamous relationships. I'm a single, childfree, 32 year old athletic male who loves the bachelor lifestyle.

 

 

Now on to my story/question:

 

Around my late 20's I did lots of research on sex, relationships, and explored all the various ways I could have sex in America (with women as I'm straight) and I found that one potential area could be to attend swinger clubs, or be a 3rd wheel for a couple in private.

 

I figured I could get what I want (no strings attached sexual encounter), and the couple could get what they want (i.e., to fulfill a fantasy).

 

Now as I proceeded to do more research, and got closer to setting something up, I realized something about swing culture after reading so many ads online, pricing the swing club fees, and watching interviews with swingers, and that is, there's a gender bias towards women, and single men are heavily scrutinized, viewed with suspicion, and sometimes treated with hostility.

 

For example:

 

• Single men pay higher fees to get into swing clubs

• Single men are often not allowed to attend swing events

• Women have much higher status then men in the swing culture (instead of being the same)

 

 

So, instead of me now viewing swingers as a group of people who enjoy sex for the sake of it, I can't help but now view swingers as a FEMALE dominated subculture where men are basically used as live sex toys.

 

 

So what's the deal? Am I right on my assessment of the swing culture?

 

And what happened to the days of the late 1960's where everybody got "free love" and enjoyed sex for the sake of it?

[Alura 2,773]

from Oklahoma, Lucky Star!

 

I'm just a Hick Okie, but, in my opinion, you're nowhere near understanding the relationship that exists between most couples who swing successful. The attraction of swinging is not just an opportunity to get one's rocks off. The joy is that a couple does it together, no matter what "genre" of swinging they choose. That togetherness comes from having learned how to communicate with each other with no fear, and is the primary attraction of swinging.

 

Husband and wife are an equal-opportunity team. If a woman seems to have more control, it's only because she can end the party right now if she chooses. So can a husband, of course, but wives are more apt to do so.

 

The pricing at clubs is more about "what the market will bear" and "who is willing to pay what" than prejudices in favor of women.

 

Alura

[shrevecouple 252]

As a single male I can see where you would come to this view. I think alot of it stems from a mixture of the overabundance of single males looking for NSA sex and the overwhelming popularity of Bisexual women.

 

I think it all boils down to supply and demand. More single males wanting swinger sex equals higher cost for them. More couples wanting single females means free ride for the ladies.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

And what happened to the days of the late 1960's where everybody got "free love" and enjoyed sex for the sake of it?

Nothing happened to the 60's, brother man, except the fact that time changed the perception of what actually was happening.

 

, by the way, to The Swingersboard.

 

~Michael

[MN Tom 251]

It's not dominated by females, it's just that females are in demand and guys are in supply.

 

A nice clean good looking guy in a populated swinger area can find plenty of fun. Just dont expect to ever have the demand that a female has.

 

As for the higher fees and attendance restrictions, again it's supply and demand. Some promoters use higher prices as a screening tool, some just outright restrict attendance.

 

Yes, it's not fair. But it's what the market wants in those cases.

 

I've been to events where there are no restrictions at all (pricing or otherwise) on single males. And Ive been to events where they restrict single males. And you can definitely tell the difference. It's not saying one way is worse than the other, just that it's different.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

We know of two different clubs that use the same hotel for their off-premises parties.

One club allows unlimited single men.

The other club doesn't allow single men at all.

 

The last party held by the group allowing single men had about 10 people signed up on S.L.S., of which half were single men.

 

The last party held by the group that didn't allow single men had over 70 couples signed up.

 

Single men have a place in swinging. It just isn't a very big place.

 

And what happened to the days of the late 1960's where everybody got "free love" and enjoyed sex for the sake of it?

 

I think that's more of a product of marketing and Austin Powers movies. The era did become more sexually liberated, but not "everybody" was getting the free love.

[john67a 20]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I'm new to this forum as well as the swinging lifestyle as I have always been in monogamous relationships. I'm a single, childfree, 32 year old athletic male who loves the bachelor lifestyle.

 

 

Now on to my story/question:

 

Around my late 20's I did lots of research on sex, relationships, and explored all the various ways I could have sex in America (with women as I'm straight) and I found that one potential area could be to attend swinger clubs, or be a 3rd wheel for a couple in private.

 

I figured I could get what I want (no strings attached sexual encounter), and the couple could get what they want (i.e., to fulfill a fantasy).

 

Now as I proceeded to do more research, and got closer to setting something up, I realized something about swing culture after reading so many ads online, pricing the swing club fees, and watching interviews with swingers, and that is, there's a gender bias towards women, and single men are heavily scrutinized, viewed with suspicion, and sometimes treated with hostility.

 

For example:

 

• Single men pay higher fees to get into swing clubs

• Single men are often not allowed to attend swing events

• Women have much higher status then men in the swing culture (instead of being the same)

 

 

So, instead of me now viewing swingers as a group of people who enjoy sex for the sake of it, I can't help but now view swingers as a FEMALE dominated subculture where men are basically used as live sex toys.

 

 

So what's the deal? Am I right on my assessment of the swing culture?

 

And what happened to the days of the late 1960's where everybody got "free love" and enjoyed sex for the sake of it?

 

Yes,yes, yes, and those were the days of equality in thought an behavior,

[john67a 20]

from Oklahoma, Lucky Star!

 

I'm just a Hick Okie, but, in my opinion, you're nowhere near understanding the relationship that exists between most couples who swing successful. The attraction of swinging is not just an opportunity to get one's rocks off. The joy is that a couple does it together, no matter what "genre" of swinging they choose. That togetherness comes from having learned how to communicate with each other with no fear, and is the primary attraction of swinging.

 

Husband and wife are an equal-opportunity team. If a woman seems to have more control, it's only because she can end the party right now if she chooses. So can a husband, of course, but wives are more apt to do so.

 

The pricing at clubs is more about "what the market will bear" and "who is willing to pay what" than prejudices in favor of women.

 

Alura

 

But even in a happy swinging couple, she has to be the judge and jury, if not then it is no go.

[slevin 1,374]

But even in a happy swinging couple, she has to be the judge and jury, if not then it is no go.

 

And so does the husband, if not it's a no go.

[allaboutthemrs 84]

Instead of me now viewing swingers as a group of people who enjoy sex for the sake of it, I can't help but now view swingers as a FEMALE dominated subculture where men are basically used as live sex toys.

 

 

 

And even if this is true, the problem is?....................

[DigginIt 1,132]

viewing swingers as a group of people who enjoy sex for the sake of it.

 

You have made some good observations but in all of your research your not getting it...

 

Swinging is something a couple does with the principle objective to achieve a common shared experience. It's as much about the physical act as it's also about the emotional impact and satisfaction it's going to mutually give the two of them. I'll say that last part again...for THEM.

 

The role of a single male is ultimately fulfill the desire that couple is searching for so you should always know there is an expectation of some kind in these scenarios. You could simply be the indulgent hot, young guy going solo while he watches or you could be there to assist in delivering mind blowing experiences to her and your "reward" is ultimately you get to have fun and enjoy new experiences as well but you should always know that you are there to fulfill "their" fantasy and I stress "their" as I did above because they have been talking about it long before they have shown up at that club or reached out to you.

 

Finding that guy I described above that understands that and can respect that and be that third for the fantasy they have in mind is going to be the one that ends up in the room with them.

 

You have so much stacked against you as a single guy because you really are a dime a dozen and there are so many stupid single males out there screwing things up for other singles guys by thinking that they are there to get laid. You see them all over Swing Lifestyle, they are the ones that start their profiles with stories of how amazing their cocks are and how they are gods gift to women.

 

Make no mistake...as a single guy you are applying for a job my friend.

 

I'll close with couples get in this together, they do this together and so it's a balanced "subculture" if you want to call it that but only the woman knows what is going to make her tick (and it changes so you should never assume that you will even be invited back for a second opportunity in the future) and so she will dominate the physical selection but don't believe for an instance that if you are perceived as anything less than a sincere guy (by either of them) you'll be out of the room long before you get your rocks off.

 

There are lots of threads here for single guys. Research those and good luck.

[Dont.Stop 339]

To add what the others have said... it's not as much a female-dominated subculture as it is couple-dominated.

 

True, a single bisexual woman in the lifestyle is very much in high demand as the majority of women in the LS are bisexual... adding a woman to a couple brings a body that both will be comfortable with. Since very few males are openly bisexual here, the demand for a male just isn't the same. When a couple does want to explore a fantasy by adding a male, he is there to serve. "A dildo with a pulse" is a common term.

 

When we've done a MFM, it was with the male of a couple we already played with. And that's probably how it would happen again. It's not easy being a single male in the lifestyle... but not for the reasons you thing.

 

You can read other stories here about single males getting attached and the experiences wrecking marriages. I'm sure that's not your goal, but couples feel safer when their playmates are also married/committed... they stand to lose as much as anyone else does, and that keeps everyone honest.

[exploringRM 305]

My opinion is that single guys are purposefully limited with regards to admission to events. This is done either with higher fees, or limiting how many are allowed to attend. Personally our experience with single guys is such that we will not attend parties or events that have an abundance of single guys. There are a subset that exhibit stalker behavior and are just creepy.

 

Swinging is about couples, not singles. Granted couples do seek MFM and FMF but it's still based around the couple.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

As the male half of a couple, I want to play too when we go to a party. If there are a bunch of single guys floating around, that cuts into my play time. Meanwhile, they are playing with my wife. Somehow this simple fact seems lots on a lot of single me.

[MsGoneWild 181]

As the male half of a couple, I want to play too when we go to a party. If there are a bunch of single guys floating around, that cuts into my play time. Meanwhile, they are playing with my wife. Somehow this simple fact seems lots on a lot of single me.

 

And that same fact can't apply to a straight women in a couple?

 

I think there is way too much emphasis on G/G play at events and parties. It's part of the reason I felt uncomfortable going to house parties.

[john67a 20]

And even if this is true, the problem is?....................

 

The problem is no one is using me as a sex toy!!! lol Ha, ha, ha.

[luckystar505 15]

Wow! Thanks everybody for all the responses!

[luckystar505 15]

You have made some good observations but in all of your research your not getting it...

 

Swinging is something a couple does with the principle objective to achieve a common shared experience. It's as much about the physical act as it's also about the emotional impact and satisfaction it's going to mutually give the two of them. I'll say that last part again...for THEM.

 

The role of a single male is ultimately fulfill the desire that couple is searching for so you should always know there is an expectation of some kind in these scenarios. You could simply be the indulgent hot, young guy going solo while he watches or you could be there to assist in delivering mind blowing experiences to her and your "reward" is ultimately you get to have fun and enjoy new experiences as well but you should always know that you are there to fulfill "their" fantasy and I stress "their" as I did above because they have been talking about it long before they have shown up at that club or reached out to you.

 

Finding that guy I described above that understands that and can respect that and be that third for the fantasy they have in mind is going to be the one that ends up in the room with them.

 

You have so much stacked against you as a single guy because you really are a dime a dozen and there are so many stupid single males out there screwing things up for other singles guys by thinking that they are there to get laid. You see them all over Swing Lifestyle, they are the ones that start their profiles with stories of how amazing their cocks are and how they are gods gift to women.

 

Make no mistake...as a single guy you are applying for a job my friend.

 

I'll close with couples get in this together, they do this together and so it's a balanced "subculture" if you want to call it that but only the woman knows what is going to make her tick (and it changes so you should never assume that you will even be invited back for a second opportunity in the future) and so she will dominate the physical selection but don't believe for an instance that if you are perceived as anything less than a sincere guy (by either of them) you'll be out of the room long before you get your rocks off.

 

There are lots of threads here for single guys. Research those and good luck.

 

 

Good read. Thanks for the reply.

[luckystar505 15]

To add what the others have said... it's not as much a female-dominated subculture as it is couple-dominated.

 

True, a single bisexual woman in the lifestyle is very much in high demand as the majority of women in the LS are bisexual... adding a woman to a couple brings a body that both will be comfortable with. Since very few males are openly bisexual here, the demand for a male just isn't the same. When a couple does want to explore a fantasy by adding a male, he is there to serve. "A dildo with a pulse" is a common term.

 

When we've done a MFM, it was with the male of a couple we already played with. And that's probably how it would happen again. It's not easy being a single male in the lifestyle... but not for the reasons you thing.

 

You can read other stories here about single males getting attached and the experiences wrecking marriages. I'm sure that's not your goal, but couples feel safer when their playmates are also married/committed... they stand to lose as much as anyone else does, and that keeps everyone honest.

 

My opinion is that single guys are purposefully limited with regards to admission to events. This is done either with higher fees, or limiting how many are allowed to attend. Personally our experience with single guys is such that we will not attend parties or events that have an abundance of single guys. There are a subset that exhibit stalker behavior and are just creepy.

 

Swinging is about couples, not singles. Granted couples do seek MFM and FMF but it's still based around the couple.

 

 

This sums everything up and now I understand why I feel somewhat ostracized and disposable as a single guy.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

And that same fact can't apply to a straight women in a couple?

 

I think there is way too much emphasis on G/G play at events and parties. It's part of the reason I felt uncomfortable going to house parties.

 

My wife has not had an issue with that at couples only parties and she is straight.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Thought I would add this little tidbit.

 

As a single guy, you need to set yourself apart from the crowd because like you said and everyone here confirmed...there is a bias against single guys at clubs and such and it really is the few stupid ones out there spoiling the bunch.

 

Going to a club isn't as hard as winning the lotto but it's far from fish in a barrel. We personally avoid the nights that let single guys in because there is nothing worse than showing up at a club and there are 15 guys and 4 couples. It makes you feel like you are being stalked.

 

If you hit it off with a couple...ask them if they will take you the next time they go to a house party, hotel take over, etc and eventually you will received personal introductions which are much better than a cold pickup attempt. We are more open to a single guy that has been introduced to us than one that appears aggressive.

 

Again, good luck.

[MsGoneWild 181]

My wife has not had an issue with that at couples only parties and she is straight.

 

I've had problems with both men and women being way too aggressive. It's extremely uncomfortable for me. When we were swinging we just met couples individually and hosted ourselves.

 

I dont want to pull this post off topic though, maybe i'll post about it in "bad swinging experiences"

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

I think it all boils down to supply and demand. More single males wanting swinger sex equals higher cost for them. More couples wanting single females means free ride for the ladies.

 

 

I think you pretty much nailed it.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Every couple comes with a man that can be used as a "single" man. Or vice versa with the woman.

 

It's not complicated, supply and demand as already stated.

 

Trying to keep this simple.

[shrevecouple 252]

Every couple comes with a man that can be used as a "single" man. Or vice versa with the woman.

 

Technically that is not true.