Was it inevitable?

[angelkin 1,326]

I’ve debated about posting about this issue for almost a week now. I find myself needing to simply vent and ask for advice from those who have been here. I apologize in advance for the long post, but I feel it’s necessary to divulge all the details to get the honest and candid advice from this group.

 

We’ve enjoyed swinging a great deal. We’ve told our secret to select friends and family. We have experienced great “reclamation” sex and increased libidos. We feel like this lifestyle is truly where we want to be and that our relationship is stronger for it. We’re in it for the right reasons and with the right intentions. We’ve been playing about a year and a half now and had some fantastic experiences…and some not so fantastic experiences. We’ve been to clubs, meet & greets, hotel takeovers and house parties. We’ve played alone with watchers, added single men as well as single ladies, soft swapped, full swapped both same and separate rooms. We have NOT until this past weekend really played alone.

 

This past weekend was also another first – our first time hosting a house party. We assembled 5 couples we have partied with in the past, one couple we talked to online and wanted to meet, and our newest friend – a single lady with whom we had played once and maintained contact with via text, chat and phone.

 

Going into the weekend, we agreed that it would be ok if we went separate directions; we sometimes do this at house parties and fool around or have girl/girl play, but not full intercourse. We went further to agree that if we ended up with the opportunity to be with someone alone and that’s what we wanted, then that would be fine.

 

Things seem to be going swimmingly, everyone arriving and mingling, drinking and just feeling things (and each other) out. During this time, I am trying to be a good hostess by introducing people, showing them around the house, etc. I notice my husband and the single lady are cozy – which initially doesn’t matter to me at all. I am glad he is enjoying himself. They disappear, also fine…but this goes on all night with them disappearing and reappearing - our paths cross every so often, but we’re not really hosting this party together.

 

After a time, I’ve had plenty to drink, people are doing what they do at adult parties and I take note of our strange dynamic, but don’t say anything. I’ve interrupted them a couple times and joined in briefly a couple times. It’s like we are together, but not together – people refer to her as our girlfriend, which is slightly unnerving to me. I also played with a guest alone, but limited my time so as not to be a poor hostess nor seem indifferent to my husband.

 

So basically, the entire evening, she monopolized my husband and didn’t want to partake of the activities or enjoy any other guests. I like her, I really do – my issue is not with the lady, but with my husband. She is new to the lifestyle more or less and we were her first successful experience with a couple. I understand her reservation in playing with others, but not his. He is familiar with all of the couples (except the ones we had not yet met in person) and some of the ladies seemed disappointed that he was apparently unavailable for play.

 

After the party was over and our guests had either gone home or went to bed, I told him of my feelings about how things appeared over the course of the evening. As we were both tired, it was very late – er rather very early in the morning – we agreed to talk about it the next day.

 

I told him I felt abandoned and alone, that he was enthralled with the single lady and my feelings were hurt. He agrees that while he was enjoying himself he knew that I would likely be less than thrilled with all the alone time he spent with her. He even felt somewhat guilty, but pointed out that I didn’t seem bothered at the time. It’s true, I didn’t speak up and I wasn’t really annoyed until very late in the evening. By that time, I didn’t want to be a source of drama or let on to our guests that anything was awry.

 

I figured after some alone time with him this week and talking about my feelings and trying to understand his motivation, I would feel better. The fact is I don’t feel better, I feel worse. We’ve done the right things, we’ve openly communicated our feelings, and we’ve had some fantastic make up sex. We’ve agreed to take a break – to see if we can fix this thing that feels so wrong between us. I am still hurt, I still need to talk, but it’s unfair to him to keep bringing this up. He’s wonderful and understanding and regretful. I hate that I think he is walking on eggshells this week. Our marriage is not in jeopardy, our experiences have brought us closer - we are one of the couples who do this for the right reasons and with the sole intention of exploration.

 

I have to be open and state that I am not feeling desirable or sexy. I think it shows, too. We had made prior arrangements to meet a play friend this week, which we kept, and he suffered some performance issues. Yeah, yeah, I know that usually has nothing to do with the lady, but it just added to my angst and served little purpose to improve my outlook on resolving my problem.

 

I am not angry; hurt would be a more accurate word to describe how I feel. We've worked through disappointments and swinging snafus successfully in the past...this is different.

 

Perhaps through a discussion in this forum, I can resolve how I am feeling and get to where I want to be – I want to be ok with all this and chalk it up to a learning experience. How do we get past this? What else can I do to feel better? How can we make this right? Share with me your experiences and advice. PLEASE

[two4youinswva 3,068]

You don't need me to tell you this, but your feelings are legitimate, and I understand completely where you're coming from. We traveled a somewhat similar path a couple years ago, so both of us understand the situation quite well, and can sympathize with the two of you.

 

So, how do you resolve your feelings and put this where it belongs?

-Time. You've processed it with reason and rational thought. You both understand what would have made it a better experience. Now, you have to let the emotions run their course.

 

I wish we had the magic answer (or pill) that would allow you to wake up in the morning and it would all be better. But, based on what I've read from your posts since you joined the board, I feel pretty damn confident in saying it will get better for the two of you soon.

 

Best of luck to both of you, and hang in there!

[MN Tom 251]

So what did he say?

 

What Im guessing, based on how you lay this out, is that the single gal only felt comfortable with him and probably told him that. And he, not wanting to "leave her to fend for herself", decided to stay with her the whole time. And since nobody directly told him otherwise, he thought it was ok, but probably realized that he wasn't really mixing very much.

 

As far as you feeling better, that will only come if you get to the source of why he acted that way and become comfortable that he either never will again or that it was ok.

 

Or just chalk it up to a learning experience and move on, or maybe you need to have some rules in regards to single play.

 

There are a lot of dynamics in swinging play, and very few people are cut out for all variations. One person may be great at handling group play, but absolutely incapable of handling 1v1 play. And then that person might be married to someone who is comfortable at 1v1, but terrible in groups.

 

And you might not find that out until you try.

 

 

 

But, I dont know what he said. Im only guessing.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

You are a thoughtful person and you are well spoken. I expect it will help that you have put your feelings into words. I am going to keep your story in my mind as it represents an effective way of keeping a relationship on the right track.

[C@YWMI 15]

I think you probably feel like he had a mini affair, right in front of you and your house guests. I think you have the right to be mad at him and I think you guys will figure out your feelings sooner then you think. You guys sound like you a very in tune with each others feeling, And your ability to express youreself and your feelings. Will help you through your hiccup. I would also bring up your feelings to the single friend that monoplized all your husbands time. She showed poor judgement also.

[Valha 18]

I have to be open and state that I am not feeling desirable or sexy. I think it shows, too. We had made prior arrangements to meet a play friend this week, which we kept, and he suffered some performance issues. Yeah, yeah, I know that usually has nothing to do with the lady, but it just added to my angst and served little purpose to improve my outlook on resolving my problem.

I am not angry; hurt would be a more accurate word to describe how I feel. We've worked through disappointments and swinging snafus sucessfully in the past...this is different.

 

Hi, Mr. V here. Not to get side tracked but don't you think there is a good chance that this guy picked up on your "not feeling sexy" and that had a lot to do with his performance issues? Not all guys are just horny dogs that only need sex. Personally, I couldn't make it with the hottest super model if I sensed she wasn't digging it too. In retrospect, I believe you had the right idea to take a break, so cancelling this playdate may have been the better idea for all involved. What's done is done, no big deal, but point is I believe you are completely correct in staying exclusive with hubby until you can work this through.

Speaking from experience, details and nature of the 'rift' between you not relevant, only with time together to allow the emotions to quell a bit can each of you truly see the other person's side and why each acted (or failed to act) in a certain way. This also gives both of you time to reflect on one's own self on how each could have done things differently. More importantly then, you two will gain some insight on how you will do things better together in the future.

Good luck to you, from the little history I have about you I have very good vibes that this will just be another event that brings you and hubby even closer and happier than you were even before. Just give each other the time and respect you both deserve.

[angelkin 1,326]

So, how do you resolve your feelings and put this where it belongs?

-Time.

 

I think I knew this already, but somehow I fear it. I don't want to spend time feeling the way I do.

 

So what did he say?

 

 

Yes, pretty much that was it. He also was enjoying all the attention she was lavishing on him - which I totally get.

 

I think you probably feel like he had a mini affair, right in front of you and your house guests.

 

Yes, I guess this is probably how I feel - or how my mind has processed the situation.

 

Hi, Mr. V here. Not to get side tracked but don't you think there is a good chance that this guy picked up on your "not feeling sexy" and that had a lot to do with his performance issues?

 

I believe you're right - which is another good reason to sit on the sidelines for awhile, right? Not fair to pull someone else into this mix of emotions.

 

I appreciate everyone's well wishes and advice. I will heed it all and I am certain we'll get over this rift. Time - ugh! Unpleasant, yet necessary to the healing process no doubt.

 

I do feel better having written it out and posting here. Somehow, it helps to share with people who have been there and understand the dynamic of a swinging marriage. I am glad I posted, glad to have a place to post - I love this forum

 

Keep your answers coming, perhaps the validation and support will ease the sting if only a little.

[rainbowskye 102]

Angelkin,

 

Your feelings are very valid and I can relate to the sting you feel right now. Sadly, the only thing that is going to ease these feelings you have is time.

 

You guys already have a strong foundation, good communication and are level headed which are essential ingredients to have when it comes to this lifestyle.

 

I do think the other female sensed something wasn't right, and if you guys were considering additional play with her, I would set clear boundaries.

 

I wish I could twinkle my nose and make this all better for you guys.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

Sharing your thoughts, getting them out to someone other than who you are processing an experience with can really be quite therapeutic. Sometimes, even just writing it, much less having people comment on it, puts you in a different frame of mind. You process the event at a different level.

 

One of the worst things one person can do to another person is not live up to their expectations. This is what your husband did. Now, to be clear, I'm not assigning blame here. There isn't blame to be assigned.

 

Your posts are wonderful, and I think you are both processing this well. I don't see a train wreck, and I don't see any reason why this won't soon be more emotionally in the past. And that's the key...this is an emotional event.

 

I think logically, you've already processed it. There was a minor breakdown in communication; expectations weren't fully communicated, reactions to how you were both feeling were not fully considered, etc. All of that can be processed logically, and you can almost examine it forensically and say "Ayup, we screwed up right there, and a bit there too". It won't help. Well, not much anyway.

 

There's an emotional wave here. Emotions don't listen to logic. It can be difficult to process emotions. But, whether you go to either extreme, not caring one bit about what happened, or spinning off into clinical depression because of it, the event is still the event; unchanged, in the past.

 

You love your husband very much. That's very clear from your posts. I would venture to guess he loves you very much as well. You're a team, and you will in time get past this. No one here can tell you how much time it will take. But, I do think you're doing well. It's certainly a bump in the road, but you're handling it very well.

 

If we were play partners of yours, this would not send red flags up to us if we were aware of it. Instead, we'd be supportive and understanding, and just wait until the two of you get everything settled again.

[TNT 1,155]

Sometimes new experiences don't go exactly like we want them to...wouldn't it be great if they did?

 

I quoted and bolded some parts of your post that jumped out at me. I know you're feeling hurt right now, but I think you need to ask yourself are you hurt by what he did, upset at yourself for what you didn't do, or just disappointed the evening didn't go like you would have liked it to have gone.

 

This past weekend was also another first – our first time hosting a house party.

 

Always a stressful event. You spend days planning and preparing and hoping that everything will go great. Stressful.

 

Things seem to be going swimmingly, everyone arriving and mingling, drinking and just feeling things (and each other) out. During this time, I am trying to be a good hostess by introducing people, showing them around the house, etc. I notice my husband and the single lady are cozy – which initially doesn’t matter to me at all. I am glad he is enjoying himself. They disappear, also fine…but this goes on all night with them disappearing and reappearing - our paths cross every so often, but we’re not really hosting this party together.

 

After a time, I’ve had plenty to drink, people are doing what they do at adult parties and I take note of our strange dynamic, but don’t say anything. I’ve interrupted them a couple times and joined in briefly a couple times. It’s like we are together, but not together – people refer to her as our girlfriend, which is slightly unnerving to me. I also played with a guest alone, but limited my time so as not to be a poor hostess nor seem indifferent to my husband.

 

I detect a bit of disappointment in the above quote. To me it seems as if you're not as upset about what he actually did, but that you felt abandoned (as you said further down in your post) while he was off having fun and you were doing a job alone that you felt both of you should be doing.

 

Kind of like, "Hello dear, we're suppose to be giving this party. How about a little help with making sure everyone is having fun and we're not neglecting any of our guest". Which I think you feel he did by the below statement.

 

some of the ladies seemed disappointed that he was apparently unavailable for play.

 

 

I told him I felt abandoned and alone, that he was enthralled with the single lady and my feelings were hurt. He agrees that while he was enjoying himself he knew that I would likely be less than thrilled with all the alone time he spent with her. He even felt somewhat guilty, but pointed out that I didn’t seem bothered at the time. It’s true, I didn’t speak up and I wasn’t really annoyed until very late in the evening. By that time, I didn’t want to be a source of drama or let on to our guests that anything was awry.

 

Yep, your definitely mad at him and I think possibly mad at yourself. It seems as if you're thinking..."If you knew I wouldn't be thrilled with all the alone time you were getting, then why did you do it"? And, you're probably also beating yourself up thinking..."I knew what was going on, I could see it, yet I let it go on without speaking up".

 

 

Perhaps through a discussion in this forum, I can resolve how I am feeling and get to where I want to be – I want to be ok with all this and chalk it up to a learning experience. How do we get past this? What else can I do to feel better? How can we make this right? Share with me your experiences and advice. PLEASE

 

We all make stupid mistakes at times. For us, when these little mishaps occur we try not to focus on them, instead we turn our attention to what went right with the evening concentrating on those things that we can talk about with enjoyment. By doing so, the mishaps fade in memory and we realize that they really weren't as big of a deal as we thought at the time.

 

I have no doubt you two will work this out and will be able to chalk it up to a learning experience.

 

 

Teresa

[angelkin 1,326]

Teresa - like everyone else, your read was spot on...and probably hit closest to home. I am upset with myself and acknowledging that I had a heavy hand in this situation has made me feel better! It's ok that I failed myself, I can count on me the next time to do the right thing. Somehow, this perspective seemed to help me see things from a slightly different angle - one that wasn't clearly focused on how he failed me.

 

Thanks a lot for the frank and open observations!

 

BTW - it was a great party and we'll do it again for sure when we're back on track. It's good to remind myself that this was a successful endeavor and our guests seemed to enjoy themselves and we did too despite the issues I've outlined. We'll re-evaluate and have some different expectations next time.

 

Again, thanks so much for changing my focus...it has helped a great deal.

[Just Passing By 140]

Following the line of TNT , you were dealing with two major variables at the same time. Hosting , and playing seperatly. You need to work thru each individually.

 

You seem to have a good understanding of what's bothering , and good communication and time will work things out.

 

Should you try playing seperately again , do so in a venue where playing is all that is on your adgenda.

 

Should you host again , work more closely together , and hosting will be your main focous. (Vegas Lee would say only focous.)

[DigginIt 1,132]

A lot of wonderful advice has already been given.

 

We (men) are not the brightest bunnies sometimes and guys are not usually ones that talk about things(we are not very good at it)...preferring to let time mend our wounds. I've learned this isn't acceptable with my wife but it was a long hard lesson to learn

 

When you are let down by someone as close to you as your husband it's hard to overcome the emotional disappointment. If it was the first time then hopefully it's a lesson learned for him and he will be more supportive in the future and ensure your needs are being met before indulging in his own. If it's a persistent pattern then I'd suggest a swift kick to the head and allow time for a reboot.

[angelkin 1,326]

If it's a persistent pattern then I'd suggest a swift kick to the head and allow time for a reboot.

 

LMAO! Yes, it was the first time and yes, he is already rebooting. AND, I have stopped kicking.

 

I am truly grateful for this insightful group of people on this board...I feel like we're on the mend.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If you have not already, make sure he reads this thread. Even if it means printing it off for him. I think doing so will help you both really communicate better about this issue and how to keep it from happening the next time you host a party

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

One more thing to consider... guys are a very different kind of host than we ladies are. When we host a party, the ladies are all about making sure all the guests are taken care of and that everyone is having a good time. When a guy his "hosting" a party, he's there to party. Just something to keep in mind. My guess is he's the same way at a vanilla party, you just noticed it more at the swinger party because him partying meant being off in another room and not a visible part of the party.