seeking advice again :(

[cristleswing 15]

My last post was quite helpful so, sad to say, here I am again. I am still trying to work through some issues and I have absolutely no one to talk to since I do not know or have any experience with any other swingers.

I apologize in advance for the long post but I feel it is necessary to provide all information in order to get good feedback. I am hoping that maybe this could help people like me in the future...

 

My bf and I have hooked up with various single females and couples over the past year or so when the opportunity presented itself. We have agreed to only swing when we are both interested and present. We have not been to any official swinger parties/clubs/meetups. We've hooked up with all vanilla friends.

 

About 3 months ago he proposed and I said yes. I have always known that swinging is and always probably will be important to him. I enjoy it in the moment but could ultimately take it or leave it, I more or less enjoy watching him get pleasure out of it, so why not?!

 

BUT, now that we are engaged I have all of these nagging questions that make me SO uneasy. What happens while I am pregnant? when we have a new born? If I get ill and dont want to swing? What would happen to us and our marriage if I asked to put swinging on hiatus? would he survive? What do the rest of you do?

 

Also, I feel it is very important for a couple to be in a good place before participating in any swinging. He is a pilot and we are already suffering the effects of him being away so much. He shudders at the thought of going 90 days without "strange" and has asked that we make a pact to never go longer than that. This lead me to ask if "I am enough" for him or if I will always have to worry if whether of not he got his fix or if he will get it somewhere else. He said, "no, I'm sorry, but you are not enough. I will always be this way." That is workable for now but what about for the rest of our lives? through all the crazy turns that life might throw? I do not want to be sick or big & pregnant and be worrying about him and his need for "strange". Arent these priorities so backwards?! OMG!! help!

[DigginIt 1,132]

I would like to first say that swinging is emotional and while you have enjoyed the experiences (in the heat of the moment) it clearly comes out that swinging is more one sided in your relationship. You said you could take it or leave it but he wants it and wants it regularly. It may be taking more of a toll on you than you are aware of.

 

If you had not already been swinging and I read the last two paragraphs I would throw red flags up all over the place because what I am hearing is concern over trust coupled with insecurity. Both are reasons to stop swinging until they can be worked out.

 

It's good that you are starting to think about the future and your feelings so now is the time you need to be clear with him and tell him that there will be times where you are not going to feel sexy and may not be into swinging and there will be times where you are going to only want him to yourself. At the same time, you are going to have to most likely accept that this is a part of him and he may not be willing to give it up so are you going to be happy with this in the many years to come?

 

Your in a tough spot and I truly wish you the very best luck. Share with him exactly what you are sharing with us and together I'm sure you two will work through it.

[Alura 2,775]

 

About 3 months ago he proposed and I said yes.

 

Congratulations! I wish y'all the best!

 

What happens while I am pregnant?

 

While pregnant, it's best to stop swinging... both of you. You don't want any strange infections while carrying a child.

 

when we have a new born?

 

We quit swinging between children. The late Mrs. Alura wanted to breast feed, so she needed to "stay natural" with no birth control pills or other artificial hormones. In fact, we used oral sex for birth control for about two years before we started trying to conceive our second son.

 

If I get ill and dont want to swing?

 

When Mrs. Alura was diagnosed with breast cancer, we quit swinging... mostly because we hadn't time to search for playmates. We put all our efforts and finances into trying to beat it. Unfortunately...

 

What would happen to us and our marriage if I asked to put swinging on hiatus? would he survive? What do the rest of you do?

 

If one partner asks to put swinging on hold, it needs to be done. Of course the reason needs to be a good one. Swinging is fun but it's a lot of horseshit that "strange" is needed. It's way down the list of "needs."

 

Also, I feel it is very important for a couple to be in a good place before participating in any swinging. He is a pilot and we are already suffering the effects of him being away so much. He shudders at the thought of going 90 days without "strange" and has asked that we make a pact to never go longer than that.

 

To make such an agreement presupposes that "challenges" will be minimal. What if y'all don't have any play partners and aren't able to find any? Would he start visiting hookers? Stewardesses?

 

This lead me to ask if "I am enough" for him or if I will always have to worry if whether of not he got his fix or if he will get it somewhere else. He said, "no, I'm sorry, but you are not enough. I will always be this way." That is workable for now but what about for the rest of our lives? through all the crazy turns that life might throw? I do not want to be sick or big & pregnant and be worrying about him and his need for "strange". Arent these priorities so backwards?! OMG!! help!

 

This makes me wonder how young your intended is. It is a series of questions that y'all need to discuss at length ... perhaps years. If he's not willing to take the time to work out the answers to both your satisfaction, you might want to take back your "Yes!" until he's better able to understand the gravity of his demands. Frankly, I think you could do better in your search for a life mate, based on your post.

 

Alura

[cristleswing 15]

Thank you! Yes, I would agree that it is taking a larger toll on me than I realize and growing larger everyday. I have been growing and learning about this for a year and enjoying it all along the way. But Recently I feel he has gotten more and more pushy about it, less and less respecting of my boundaries and feelings, and more insistent that we couldn't exist without swinging. His behavior really turns me off to the while thing! It no longer feels like something we, as a couple in love, are enjoying together. It's more like something I'm pressured into doing or else I cant keep him. This worries me for the future obviously. I do not want to find my self in a contingency plan with houses and kids on the line, what a mess! Isn't this supposed to be fun? Last I checked it shouldn't include ultimatums, but loving cooperation and understanding. I'm willing and INTERESTED in going forward, but not like this.

 

I would like to know how other couples usually handle pregnancy, illness etc. I've never ben either and can't imagine how I'd feel about sex or swinging. I do know that I would at least like the option to opt out if it just gets too heavy and know that he has my back bc he loves me. Any stories?

[cristleswing 15]

Thank you Alura! I am sorry to hear about the passing of your wife, it seems like you two had something truly special and really put each other first. I really appreciate your thorough and frank advice and your sharing the details with me.

Fyi, I am 29 and he is 32. This makes him sound like a villain. He IS a wonderful man in so many ways but, yes, not very mature, as you insinuated. If I could share the positive details and stories it'd be a fairy tale! but this is the thorn in our side and as true blue as you put it, it may be a deal beaker. God I hope not

[cristleswing 15]

Btw alura, the way you two handled everything regarding when to swing/not swing is exactly how I envisioned myself wanting to. Do you think you knew and agreed upon those boundaries when you got married? did you talk about these things or did you just wing it?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

cristleswing, if you would, check your the email you registered with the board for a confirmation message to activate your account. If you don't see one, check your spam folder as well. This will allow your posts to appear immediately without having to be approved.

[Learning 160]

Hubby was a pilot so I know that lifestyle. When we first met, we spent a lot of time apart. He had a lot of time on his hands and he was bored. He spent the majority of time watching porn and doing a lot of things I was not happy about. I found this out a little while after getting engaged. I was so ticked off that I remember throwing a sex addiction book at him. After cooling down and communicating, I learned what was going on. I had to trust. It's hard in the lifestyle of being a pilot. The trust has to be there.

 

As for the baby situation, we stopped completely after finding out i was pregnant. There was no way I could swing. I did not want to risk diseases nor did I feel the same way about swinging. Our baby is just under 1. We have hit two events and went out for a date with one couple. There's no desire to swing right now at all. I have no drive at all, nor do I feel remotely sexy, and my mental game with swinging is poor. Plus the last two swinging encounters we experienced were awful. So....we probably won't be hitting it again any time soon. Too much to mentally overcome on my part. My dh is awesome and totally understand. We made some close swinger friends so we transitioned into a vanilla relationship. So that's my story.

 

Good part we met some amazing people. It totally strengthened our communication prior to having our child. We are better because of it. The best advice I can give is just communicate and live in the moment. When time comes, you know what will happen.

[Patrick76 15]

Take with a grain of salt, given that my g/f and I have not played with others - but the thing that I want to emphasize is "don't settle now and assume things will be better later." It's actually a good thing when he tells you "you're not enough". Why? Well, certainly not in a relationship sense - but good from a brutal honestly sense. This is obviously very important to him and pregnancy/illness aside, if you simply decide you do not enjoy swinging, that could very well be enough to end your relationship. Perhaps not great from a classically romantic view - but far better than finding out after the wedding vows. You could very well have many happy years together if you can openly talk about all this - but it could also be the warning signal that you need to discuss "what ifs" in detail before you head down the aisle.

Best of luck.

[Dont.Stop 339]

This makes me uneasy, that you can't go without swinging for 90 days. I understand (a bit) his side... he doesn't want to get married and then the rules change. It's good that he is addressing this early.

 

But if you can't commit to that schedule, it's equally good that you are up front about it as well.

 

We've been doing this for 8 months now. We're about to end our longest "dry spell" of about six weeks. We admit that when we are active we take better care of ourselves, communicate better, etc. But at the same time if we stopped swinging it wouldn't tear down our relationship. Maybe that's because we were together 7 1/2 years before we started in the LS.

 

You have vaild points... women don't always feel sexy or don't always feel up to the scrutiny of swinging (seeking out new playmates). He has to understand this, and trust that you won't withhold swinging as a punishment of some sort.

 

Again, I'm all uneasy about it. Swinging should be fun. Having to keep a schedule is not.

[Alura 2,775]

Btw alura, the way you two handled everything regarding when to swing/not swing is exactly how I envisioned myself wanting to. Do you think you knew and agreed upon those boundaries when you got married? did you talk about these things or did you just wing it?

 

Thank you for your kind words about Laura, Cristle. I learned a lot from her. In fact, I'd say I was much more like your pilot until I met her. She taught me to communicate.

 

On our second date (the evening after our first date) we both realized we had something special. We made an agreement that we would never become angry when asked a question and that we'd always talk it out. "I don't want to talk about it!" was never an option. Neither were ultimatums.

 

I don't recall that we set any boundaries at all, so I guess we did "wing it" as questions arose. We talked about them. We talked about everything. It was probably our second favorite thing that we did together. I remember a time when we were in a bank in Paris to change travelers cheques into Francs. A bank official approached us as we stood at one of those raised writing desks and asked if we needed help. We didn't even realize that we'd been there for an hour, talking about the Rodin museum.

 

We did write our own marriage vows. "Cleaving only unto each other..." was not a part of them. We'd already developed an interest in swinging. We'd agreed on our first date that the idea of having sex with only one partner for a lifetime was not what we wanted, but it didn't have paramount importance. That was reserved for each other.

 

Alura

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Congratulations on your Engagement. As for your questions, I think you already know the answers. You said just him being away so much puts a large strain on your relationship. You are right to believe that a couple needs to be a strong committed couple with strong communication and trust before they swing. It's not to say that you can't have that relationship while he's traveling, but that's up to the two of you to figure out how to make that happen. If you don't feel you can trust him to be away from you and not have some "strange" then there's a huge issue.

 

Your relationship has to come first. Do couples swing while they are pregnant? Yes. Some do. Do some couples swing with new borns? Yes. But it's about what both members of that couple wants and not about one half wanting to swing while the other half is feeling completely overwhelmed. This is definitely something the two of you need to work out before you get married.

[MN Tom 251]

Ok,

The inability to go more than 90 days, the idea of making a "pact", telling you outright that you are not enough. Those are all statements he's making.

 

The thing is, if he is being honest with all of that, then take it as honest. And now it's time for you to decide if you can live with what he's putting out there. Don't expect him to change.

 

Only you can decide this. You need to talk with him a lot more, discuss many facets of life.. And in the end, only you can decide if what he wants is acceptable to you.

 

Again, dont expect him to change later on. He's telling you what he wants now, and take him for his word.

 

Hope that he will change and grow with you, but dont expect it.

[shrevecouple 252]

Finally a guy who knows how he is and is upfront about it! I got to respect him for that. The ball is in your court. Either you can live the rest of your life knowing he is this way or you can't. Only other thing I have to add is I wouldn't have children with someone like this. That's just my opinion though.

[cristleswing 15]

Again, dont expect him to change later on. He's telling you what he wants now, and take him for his word.

 

Hope that he will change and grow with you, but dont expect it.

 

What he is saying is the cold hard truth RIGHT NOW and I understand. The truth is that I have no clue how I will feel under all of these conditions and how could he? I have never been pregnant or sick and neither has he, how could we have any way of predicting how we would feel. Is it safe to assume that men mature and grow in trying times too and hopefully rise to the occasion? I trust him with life matters and loyalty. He is a good man who is reliable and responsible. I am not sure how to understand the polarity of his messege. He says marriage is forever and he wants to be loving and supportive of me yada yada.... how can he be so irrational in this department to say that it would be unacceptable for me to want to take a swinging hiatus once in a while. From what I've gathered its normal and necessary for all couples to take a break to deal with life, regroup and reconnect etc. I think everyone deserves the right to change, grow and experience their life freely without fear of losing their best loved one.

The thought that keeps running through my head is that if someone loves you and they want to commit to be your partner in life, through thick and thin, then that means knowing that things will change, for better and for worse BUT you stick with the PERSON not the convenience of the arrangement. How can anyone commit to these things NO MATTER WHAT. It just hurts my feelings that he is more concerned about the arrangement and what he is getting out of it than the health and continuation of our relationship.

Essentially, I am hearing that strange is more important than me. I dont mind that he likes strange and some sexual deviance, so do I! but when it takes precedent over me THAT is a problem, no? That is the message I am getting and I hope I'm wrong because this would mean that I could never say no to sex with strangers, no matter what? What do we call forced sex acts again?... rape, sexual abuse? I understand its not forced but what would you call a "do this or else.... (I'll break up with you)" situation? Tell me, who the heck could live with that?! If that is in fact what he is saying then that by definition is NOT love and not marriage, for better of worse. Its a convenient arrangement, for one of us.

I really appreciate all of your input!! I am just getting fired up now and venting a little grrrr.... thanks for listening

[Alura 2,775]

Is it safe to assume that men mature and grow in trying times too and hopefully rise to the occasion?

 

My brother, who has been married or postlequ'd more times than I can remember, hasn't. I could live nicely on the child support he's paid... and still is paying.

 

Alura

[Learning 160]

Girl, your answers are in your post. I couldn't even imagine the pressure you are under right now. I have to say, go with your gut. Sometimes humans want to ignore the gut but you are clearly seeing the red flags here. He likes strange and strange can happen anytime especially when you are a pilot. Crash pads, hotel rooms, bars, and other places could mask a separate life. He does sound like a rare man who is totally upfront. People don't change in life really unless if they want to. That's a hard gamble to chance. Can you live with that?

 

Just throwing this out. There are lifestyle friendly counselors/therapists out there....just a thought. Looking for one who has been accredited by ASSECT.