Are you "out" as a swinger to your families?

[StewartP 173]

And how many of your vanilla friends know what you do?

[km34 672]

My sister and her husband know, but that is because they joined SLS so we sent them a welcome message (we'd been members for over 3 years by the time they joined). I wouldn't tell my family because they would have VERY strong religious opposition and I simply don't want to hear it. My parents and other family members have met quite a few of my "friends" with whom I have had sexual encounters (generally they are regulars before they meet the fam too lol).

 

Right now, I try to tell ALL my friends. I don't purposefully hide it. If they aren't okay with my lifestyle at least to the point where they can put their disapproval aside and continue our relationship, then I don't need them in my life. The ONLY exceptions are people that I still talk to from high school (generally because I don't consider them close enough to warrant a separate conversation to explain our swinging).

 

I really wish we could tell everyone in our lives, but I know it would cause some major issues for a majority of my family, and while his family wouldn't have the religious argument they would find some way to judge us. Maybe someday we'll all evolve enough that it won't matter....

[lotsoffun201 175]

Considering the mrs family is ULTRA conservative and religious....No way. I have a suspicion her children have some ideas. As far as my side of the family. Very few of us are on speaking terms so who cares?

[StewartP 173]

We haven't told anyone in our families, no point freaking out our poor old religious parents!

 

My brother would probably not be bothered, and Fiona's sister, although she is gay and married, would probably be disapproving!

 

When we first started swingng it was so exciting and such a big secret we were bursting to share it with someone!!! We were a bit drunk with some friends and they wanted to share an embarrasing secret, we said "us too" Theirs turned out to be pretty tame, and we were then oiled up enough to spill the beans.

 

They were fascinated and pleased for us although they said they could never do it themselves. It is nice having someone you can confide in.

[angelkin 1,327]

I told my mom and sister and we've told a couple of vanilla friends...just so we could explain why we're always busy on the weekends, LOL.

 

My friend was very interested, but her husband is much more reserved. She lives vicariously through me, hehehe. His friends "weren't surprised". My mom was less surprised than I thought she would be...not so sure that she didn't used to swing herself. My sister seems interested...but hey, we come from a very sexually open family, so much what I expected.

[allaboutthemrs 84]

Of course not!

 

In twenty years of marriage I never discussed details of my sex life with them so why start now and why discuss this detail?

 

Furthermore I never discuss my sex-life with our vanilla friends outside of generalities so once again, why discuss this part of it?

 

Our kids are no different, they know their mother and I have a healthy sex life but we would never discuss intimate details regarding said sex life because they are our children and I consider this an intimate detail. That said most of my family including my brothers,cousins, nephews, and also our vanilla friends know they could come to me with any problems and I'd have an open mind and lend them my ear but not a single one of them knows details such as what positions, toys, etc. my wife and I enjoy and so they are damn sure not gonna know with WHOM we enjoy certian postions, toys, etc. with!

 

Also, I feel I owe it to both our vanilla and LS friends to protect them from assumptions from family and others as to whether they are in the LS. I feel by keeping our sex life private I protect us and those that we love both vanilla and LS.

[bbarnsworth 2,668]

No possible gain in telling family, and lots of potential ways in which it could go wrong. Easy math.

 

We've told one friend, only because he told us he was dabbling in other-than-monogamy and we wanted to help him answer any questions he might have. That went quite well.

[SAMnTINA 362]

Yes kids and family know. Kids were told as teens before we did a TV temperance. Their res ponce was ick parents sex.

 

These days they tell us we were the cool parents as they could talk to us about anything but then for the most part they treat the lifestyle as don't ask because they will tell.

 

We don't lie to our kids, never did but tried to tell them only what they could handle. Today we have two out of the house and on their own and one with just 623 days to go then he is off to college.

 

When we go away no one asks and no one just drops in at the house with out calling. Besides when we wanted to embarrass the kids we would go to the mall and neck.

[ALilOEverything 901]

Some of our family knows, found it was easier to be honest about where we were going than to hide it. If the rest found out they probably wouldn't embrace it but at the same time I doubt it would change our relationship with them.

[celtic239 297]

No one knows. We aren't the Facebook type couple that needs to share "the moment" with the world. We respect others privacy and expect the same in return.

[WhatisTruth 41]

Nobody in either of our families knows...but we have told a few vanilla friends. We told my best friend from highschool, and that has indeed changed our relationship with her though. Not sure to what extent. I also wrote a paper about it for my graduate studies, as the topic of non-monogamy surfaced during a discussion of hegemony. Finally, we told one middle eastern friend who was considering renting a room in our house, and thought it would be fair to disclose that information. Suffice it to say that he decided not to live here! lol.

[Dont.Stop 339]

There are a some friends we'd like to tell, but it won't happen. I come from a religious family, and while the bible is chock full of tales of non-monogamy, this wouldn't be considered following the bible's teachings. Although we feel if we came out it would challenge a lot of people's views on non-monogamous relationships, we're not interested in carrying the flag for the lifestyle. Maybe once the kids have moved out, but not now.

 

Some of our gay friends know. Understandably there is less risk telling them.

[two4youinswva 3,069]

Some friends and family know, some don't.

 

There was a time when we really, really didn't want anyone to know.

These days we've become more of a "don't give a damn" couple.

We're not going to proclaim it to everyone, but if you don't want to know, then don't ask.

[JustAskJulie 2,597]

My brother and his wife know (because they are also), and a few of my vanilla friends know.. it just depends on who they are and whether or not I think they can handle it without freaking out.

 

To me, swinging is just another aspect of our sex life... I don't typically talk about our sex life to my friends or family, so why would I be talking about swinging with them? That said, the fact that I run this site (or have written a book) is a little harder to keep in at times.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We haven't told anyone, family or friends. To say most of our family would just totally freak out would be an understatement. The exception would be my sister, who we are both really close to, and who probably doesn't suspect at all, but I think if she found at wouldn't be that surprised.

 

Friends don't know either, mainly because we don't see any reason why we would tell them. Most of our friends we know through the workplace. They are open-minded and there is a lot of sexual banter and innuendo that flies back and forth when all are together, so they would probably find it very interesting and want to know more, but since there isn't any real benefit and lots of potential bad to opening that can of worms, then why do it?

 

I think in a way though you are probably outed to some small degree even if you work hard to not be outed. We aren't even once a month swingers, so it doesn't make up a big part of our lives, rather small actually, yet it has been surprising some of the comments that have been made about us since we started swinging that strike really close to home. Like when your friends are introducing you to some of their friends at a vanilla party or something and say things like "what we like about these two is they make such a great couple but they aren't afraid to let the other go their own way and do their own thing. You will see them apart for a while having fun with other people, and then they'll be back together later on and nobody's feelings get hurt at all." That is in a totally vanilla context, yet we were both surprised when we heard it from someone who actually didn't even know us all that well yet.

 

Those kinds of things you just can't really hide, it has become part of you, and some people will pick up on it even if they don't know for sure what it is they are picking up on.

[2 in C-bus 21]

We've told a few friends of ours, Mrs 2 has told more people than me, I like to keep things a little closer to the vest than she does.

 

Telling family? What possible good could come of that? Even if they approved or didn't care on way or another, what possible good could come of it?

[MN Tom 251]

Well, up until recently we never thought we would come to the point of telling our parents about the lifestyle. But some circumstances arose and my mom (who sniffs out everything) pressed the issue. Our parents all grew up in the partying 60's and 70's, so this isnt too foreign to them.

 

But, I had to tell my parents, I just couldnt lie directly to them. Im not willing to do that, we have frequent contact with my parents, weekly. They see the kids, see us..

 

So, now my parents know. And to be honest it's not as big of a deal as we thought it would be. They said it's kinda stupid and chancy, but so be it.

[LovingCoupleCA 15]

My sister and her husband know, but only because we ran into them at a club recently. :-O Surprise!

[LFM2 1,484]

Our oldest daughter seen our profile on a site, but other than her, none of my family knows. None of our friends know either, but we wouldn't lie to them if they asked. We've gone from a *we'd freak out if anyone knew* to a *who really gives a damn*. I still wouldn't tell my mother for fear she'd have a stroke, but anyone else... it would be their problem if they couldn't handle it.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

I've thought about this quite a bit over the years. On one hand, I think it's not necessary to broadcast details of my sex life to the world. On the other hand, I worry that the fact that we're all so secretive about so many things makes us feel like freaks. We don't realize how similar we all are because we're not open about so many things. We've chosen something of a middle road where we don't hide anything but we don't announce it either. Many of our friends know to varying degrees and some of our family knows as well.

[Alura 2,778]

When my sons asked me at dinner, "Dad, were you and Mom swingers when she was alive?" any reason to avoid being "outed" no longer mattered.

 

The only person who might care would be the card-carrying, not-so-secret- agent for Oral Roberts who lives a few doors down. She's been trying to save my soul for over thirteen years.

 

If she confronted me I'd have to assure her, "Don't worry, Linda, I have no plans to fuck you."

 

Alura

[Playful1 434]

all my vanilla friends (which are few and far between) know I swing. My mother also knows. My father does not.

[Playingnow 39]

Well my wife's twin sister and her husband knows and her brother and now his wife knows. Yes we have some what played together before. Her parents did not know anything and we all kept it that way. Her mother was a real bitch and controlling.

 

A year ago our daughter found out the hard way. We also found out she loved to play too. We ran into each other at a party. We were not playing at the time but she was and we ran right into each other. That has tuned into a real pain in the ass now. Mom and Dad are not suppose to do that but for daughter it is alright?

 

We have many friends. Two different groups. Those for friendship and those for pleasures.

 

Now beings our daughter knows, we felt it necessary to let our youngest daughter know before her sister blew it out of proportion. So far she has no problem with it and is not interested in it herself. We think!

[knb2004 364]

Outside of parental units, and work peeps, we're pretty much completely open. We have few vanilla friends, but they know because, frankly we wouldn't want to be associated with anyone who would be judgemental. We make exceptions for parents because we're genuinely concerned the shock could instigate a stroke, or worse.

 

But if my mom doesn't stop asking so many pointed questions, I'm going to start answering them truthfully.

[Trazom 35]

Nobody in our family knows. We play with some friends that we used to work conferences with but that's about it.

 

I feel if the topic ever came up I could tell my sister but our family never discusses such things so I doubt she will ever have the courage to ask.

[Aion222 15]

A couple of my close friends know, but aside from that no. I'm not sure how my parents and siblings would react, but they're not conservative so who knows. I'm not sure if I ever will.

[JustAskJulie 2,597]

Outside of parental units, and work peeps, we're pretty much completely open.

 

This is pretty much where we are at now.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

We are not out and have no plans of going there either.

[sparkstar 130]

Other than my younger sister no one in our families know. They would be extremely disgusted.

My mom thinks an age gap for a couple should be less than 3 years give or take, 5 max. Im 27, he is 32 so she dont mind all that much. She would be mortified if she knew id been with men easily old enough to be my granddad.

[M&S 266]

We have never told our family and likely never will. I actually don't think they would freak out, but it would be awkward on both ends. We never discuss our sex lives with them and it would feel odd bringing it up.

 

Admittedly, this is different than just discussing our sex lives because it is also an element of our social lives. Still.... can't see that discussion happening.

[willyoats 325]

Two of our children know. One grilled me for hours as we drove from Michigan to New Jersey one time. I think she was considering it, as her hubby wanted to try. They never did. And now, with a child, she is completely against their doing it.

 

The other is in a funny lifestyle, sort of polyamory, but not fully.

 

That's one thing we did right as parents. The kids and we are completely open and comfortable taking about sex and relationships. And I can tell you that from my perspective, it was getting into swinging that opened me up to being completely honest and not feeling like sex was something a bit shady.

 

My wife's younger sister knows, as we told her where we were going when she was babysitting for us. The older sister would soil her diapers if she ever found out!

[naturefun 174]

Haven't begun swinging yet but this is a talk we've had. Telling family is completely off limits. We've talked about whether we'll hide it from our children when they come along, but that's something we really won't be able to determine more solidly until we come to that juncture. We want to raise our kids in a sex-positive environment and we since we expect they'd likely figure it out sooner or later, we'd like to choose the manner in which they find out and use it as a teaching moment to pass on our own ethics.

 

As for friends, we've decided that some friends we can tell and some are off limits. In general, we're alright telling friends who are our generation, but not friends in older generations (given that most our friends are through church, we have a lot of cross-generational friendships). Mutual friends we both need to agree before telling. Individual friends- given that we live 1,200 miles apart, we have quite a few friends that the other doesn't know- are up to each of us. I have no qualms about telling friends if I think they're friends who could handle it.