First time in 2.5 years

[JohnUK1 15]

Hi all, I'm not sure if you'd class our situation as swinging tbh...my missus preferred for me not to be there when I understand and accept. She was with a guy (her ex from her teenage years) 2.5 years ago. He was living out of the country (where she grew up) and so she went back a few times and was intimate with him. The problem was, she developed feelings for him which she didn't tell me about. It caused big problems for us and we had a rocky road but managed to get through it. Btw, she very soon afterwards found out he was sh@@ging someone else while she was there. So she was angry and lost those lovin feelings for him lol.

 

Anyway...2.5years later we've talked about it again and now she's met a guy on a course she was doing which she fancies. In fact she's sh@gging him right now! We've talked at length about it and she assures me I have nothing to worry about this time and that it's purely just physical. I've advised her that if there's ANY deceit this time I'll outfuck her this time! I don't mean to make it sound like a threat but just so she knows there's consequences if she does start developing anything and hides it from me. She assures me there's nothing and that they only email once in a while.

 

PS: I don't play away. She doesn't want that. I guess she's not a swinger in that sense! But I respect that and thats fine.

 

Anyway, I have some alarm bells in my head. Not major ones as we are very close. But would any of you more experienced guys and especially gals think this is a dangerous situation or should I not worry?

 

PS: We got 3 kids (13,12,9).

 

Many thanks!

[lovinher 505]

 

 

If I'm reading your past thread and current post correctly you went through something similar in 2006 and again 2 1/2" years ago.

Didn't learn the first and second time around?

[DigginIt 1,132]

John,

 

Your "gut" feeling is usually right. Unfortunately we let our feelings interfere with our judgement sometimes.

 

There are many couples on this site and others that one half plays and the other doesn't but it takes a lot of respect, understanding and communication on both sides and you have to be included.

 

Those other couples are still using the experiences to better their relationship though some kind of sharing in a loving and healthy way. If this is all about her needs and nothing about yours then I would say you are in for another tough lesson.

 

I believe that there are some people in life (men and women) that crave that "I need to be needed" type of attention but do not have the ability to compartmentalize sex so therefore feelings develop.

 

In a stand alone comparison, you can't put your relationship head to head against someone she is shagging. There are strong emotional and lustful feelings that the two of you will most likely never experience again (not that it's a bad thing because most of us have moved on to a deeper, meaningful and loving relationship that is more than just rooted in the physical) but if you can't keep your emotions out of the sex...the feelings for the other will develop.

 

I personally could never be in the lifestyle with my wife if it was totally one sided and I wasn't involved in some capacity (observer, participation in MFM, etc.). It's not a tit for tat relationship we have but it's about being included.

 

I don't see a good ending to this story unless the guy she is shagging basically tells her, "hey, it was fun but I don't want a relationship with you...your already married" and then blows her off.

 

Good luck.

[Randies' 16]

John,

In a stand alone comparison, you can't put your relationship head to head against someone she is shagging. There are strong emotional and lustful feelings that the two of you will most likely never experience again (not that it's a bad thing because most of us have moved on to a deeper, meaningful and loving relationship that is more than just rooted in the physical) but if you can't keep your emotions out of the sex...the feelings for the other will develop.

 

I personally could never be in the lifestyle with my wife if it was totally one sided and I wasn't involved in some capacity (observer, participation in MFM, etc.). It's not a tit for tat relationship we have but it's about being included.

 

I agree with this.

[MN Tom 251]

We would worry. Not necessarily meaning she will move towards love feelings with the guy, just that you guys had trouble in the past, and considering she isnt comfortable with you playing like she does, she's probably insecure herself. Meaning she is vulnerable.

 

Just our thought

[lizandtom 512]

Okay, blunt response from a New Yorker here, but DUDE, pull your nuts from up out of the sand, and protest!

 

That's not swinging; thats your wife having her cake, eating it too, and also trying to eat yours as well!

 

You two are not swinging; you're enabling her to shop around for something better!

 

Get your own house together, sexually, first before opening anything up to anyone else. She can shag but you can't? Are you even invited to participate when she shags others?

 

I understand that every situation is different, but I'd flip my friggin' wig if I was told she could shag others but that I wasn't allowed to.

[slevin 1,374]

I understand that every situation is different, but I'd flip my friggin' wig if I was told she could shag others but that I wasn't allowed to.

 

Some guys are into that.

[rainbowskye 102]

She did both without your knowledge in the front end, that isn't swinging, that is cheating.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

Well, maybe some guys are into being cheated on. If the OP is, more power to him. Me, I'll pass. But, whatever you want to call this, it is most emphatically NOT swinging.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If you hear alarm bells there is probably a good reason. You make threats but then you say you don't want them to sound like threats - which tells me you have no intent to follow through on them. Chances are she knows that.

 

This isn't swinging, at best it's a cuckold situation.

[Additude 457]

John, apparently you’re OK with what is going on. Just be fine with it the way it is for yourself and because you want it that way, not because your wife wants it that way and you are just following along.

 

There is a difference.

 

If you have alarm bells going off then it is for good reason. You are vulnerable in this situation and are exposed to potential abuse. Your mind is telling you to beware for good reason. You also have past history to base your fear on.

 

You need to be diligent and monitor this situation very closely. Especially for your own personal serenity and comfort.

 

It's best to keep your wife informed of your concerns and feelings. This will generate conversation and the more she talks about it the more you will be able to read her from what she says and you'll be able to catch clues that things are going against your grain.

 

But be honest with yourself. I ask, Don't you want to take part in this? Maybe have your own fun with another woman? Participate with your wife in an MFM?

 

If you do want to participate, then you need to tell your wife you want this and then you need to make it happen. Your wife has to be as understanding to your needs and desires as you are to hers.

 

It is not healthy for you to be at a stalemate when your spouse is playing a gambit.

 

Take care of yourself.

[JohnUK1 15]

Hi Guys, thanks for your replies!

 

Just a little added info around the situation....yes I was the one suggesting she play. Initially, many years ago I had mentioned threesomes at the very start but she wasn't into that. She also wasn't into me being there and is not into 2 guys at once anyway. Imo she never would have suggested playing alone eitherbut over the years she did come round to the idea.

 

Anyway, fast forward to now and she assures me that she sees it totally as sex and nothing else. He is in her line of work and they usually email each day. She says is just basic stuff and that she told him she's not looking for anything else. She says it's the same for him. She changed her password for her gmail account around the time things started. Not that I knew it but i think it was something like the one she uses for her regular email address. Another alarm bell you might think, as I did but she gave me some reason which I can't really remember why she changed it. I could ask her to show me her emails but I don't want to live like that. Once you start snooping you get paranoid imo. The fact that I know I could ask her to log on and show me anytime is reassurring. She showed me once and there was nothing which suggests she deletes them as she goes. She was with him last night. I'll be honest and say even the physical side of it is causing me pain. Deja vu, eh? In the fantasy and while dirty talking it feels hot and horny and most importantly "safe". But when it's reality, at least for me it's painful. I'm kinda angry with myself for feeling this way considering I was the one going on about it all this time. Then I also have some doubts and jealousness as well. Tonight I seen, as she had her laptop on beside me that she ordered £281 of bras and briefs! Ok some other stuff too ie a bag but most of it was bras and briefs. She says it's not to impress him as they're not matching sets just odd ones but it still hurts to think she wouldn't do it for me! She said that she needs an E cup as it fits her better than DD. She's 34E with a slim little waist and boy is she HOT! That guy sure did get a xmas present to remember! Lol

Also there's nothing wrong with our sex life. 6 nights a week is standard! Including last night when she got home. But i think the problem is me as the reality is still hard to deal with compared to the safe dirty talking. When she told me about this guy at the start I was all horny but I'm now trying to deal with some jealousy and insecurities. Not about myself, I'm fit and hung lol but still....I aint used to this. So do you think I can beat my negative feelings if I stick with it or should I call it quits. It's tough doing it like this as I'm the only one with the negative thoughts whereas had we both being playing it'd be a journey we could both have travelled together. But there's no emotional difficulties for her. I mean....you don't get jealous of yourself now do you? Lol But she would never want me to play and said so from the start. I respect that. She also says she'll stop if I want her to. I kinda feel like I'm not man enough if I ask her to stop though. Oh what to do???

[Additude 457]

John,

 

Seriously, "Not man enough" if you ask/tell your wife to quit fucking another guy?

 

That's twisted buddy.

 

Maybe your wife doesn't need a break, but you sure seem to need one.

 

You need to back off of this for awhile, i.e 6 months or more, regroup and decide if you want to try it again sometime in the future.

 

This is a cancer that will eat you up if you keep going with it and you don't have a handle on it.

 

Your best to take a break from it.

[JohnUK1 15]

Hi Additude, thanks for your advice and you're probably right I feel.

 

By "being man enough" I mean that I was the one suggesting this. She never brought/brings the idea up but had talked about it when I have. She used to just always say: "We'll see. If the right guy comes along..." So now after all this time when she's finally there I get cold feet. I guess I'm being too hard on myself. I mean it's not like I'm a regular at this and reality is a whole lot difference to fantasy. She fully understands where I'm coming from and says we can cancel the whole thing. Although I know she'd perfer not to. Do you or anyone ever have any doubts about your other half if you've ever asked them to stop playing. For example I know she'd like to continue but then I suppose it's like her worrying about me doing something. You could worry about anything really, I suppose! Mentally I'm feeling much better though. We've had the kids away with their aunties so we've had a nice romantic time. Plenty of bonding. I'll probably take your advice though and take a break from this. She never mentions it if I don't, so shouldn't be too hard!

[Guest sandraandalex]

You keep having opportunities for this sexual affair to simply end and you're not taking it. You keep choosing to live with your negative and destructive inner turmoil. You rationalize it by the fact you originally suggested it. Well, you may have suggested it, now admit that it's not working out and have her end the sexual affair, which she has offered to do without issue.

 

This seems really simple to me.

[knb2004 364]

Okay for me but not for thee is a problem. Nuff said.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

My ears are ringing so many alarm bells are going off.

 

I am a firm believer in that everyone handles things differently. What works from some will not work for others, so I hesitate to put any circumstance into a box and say it will not work for them.

 

However, you are the one that is seeing the red flags yourself and you have past history to look at, and that history is not good.

 

You need to sit down and hash this out with your wife ASAP.

[JohnUK1 15]

Hi Guys, thanks for your replies!

Yes I've decided not to mention it for a while and see how I feel in the future. If I don't mention it she never does. We have talked about it and she said she won't delete any emails from him in future. She said he hasn't contacted her in the past few days as she isn't meeting up with him. So will take a break for a bit and maybe revisit it sometime in the future. It still does turn me on if the negative stuff is removed but we'll see! Things are fine between us at present. She regularly tells me I'm the love of her life.

 

Thanks again!

[meumeu 46]

If you hear alarm bells there is probably a good reason. You make threats but then you say you don't want them to sound like threats - which tells me you have no intent to follow through on them. Chances are she knows that.

 

This isn't swinging, at best it's a cuckold situation.

 

I agree with this, your situation isn't swinging by any means this best you can get to it is what Julie described as a cuckold. Now... if you enjoy this good on you but chances are she will develop those feelings again, then what?

[sandy_paws 15]

I have to say, we are new to this lifestyle.. but had a similar situation happen a few years ago. I (Mrs) had an opportunity to have a night of passion with an old college friend.. Mr. and I had talked about it, and he was of the opinion that "sex is sex" and it's ok.

 

What I don't think Mr. truly understood - (from a girls perspective, and certainly mine) was my pent up emotional feelings towards the guy friend. I had harbored sexual tension and had an emotional relationship with this guy for 5 + years...

 

I ended up not going thru with it, because in my heart, I wasn't sure that I would be able to truly come back to my relationship with Mr. after having the "explosion" that would have been the release of all the years of emotional and sexual tension with this guy.

 

Just a word of caution. It's a slippery slope. Be careful. In my opinion, if she is emailing the guy and he works with her.. there is the capacity to create the emotional & sexual connection.

 

For that reason, one of our rules moving forward into this swingers lifestyle - is that all ex's and past relationships are OFF LIMITS. They are not to even be entertained.

 

We can play with new people that we meet who are in the lifestyle, and create new friendships.. but we will be together creating those relationships. Never separate.

 

Sorry, I know, I ramble a bit --

[JohnUK1 15]

Hi Sandy, god your reply has kinda put the frighteners on me. She assures me it is only sex but I do have doubts if she can just view it as that. Maybe! She keeps saying thats all it is for her if I ever ask her. Again she never brings it up but would meet up with him asap if I suggest it. She's also very loving these days even more so than usual. Which is a lot! I'm hoping her explosion is just a physical one! This guy is not her ex. The first guy was and she wasn't honest with me about her fellings. He's dead in the water to her nowadays though and lives abroad. She doesn't work with this guy just in the same field. She met him on a training course and wouldn't be bumping into him via work. I guess, doing it this way, I'll always be second guessing as I'm not there which isn't really good imo. So I'll give this a good break and not mention it. She won't either. She'll no doubt want to meet up with him but understands my feelings so would never push it. She also is totally against me doing anything and would prefer to cancel the whole thing than have me play. This might be the end outcome actually.

[JohnUK1 15]

I agree with this, your situation isn't swinging by any means this best you can get to it is what Julie described as a cuckold. Now... if you enjoy this good on you but chances are she will develop those feelings again, then what?

 

Then....we're back to all the strife we had before, meumeu! Not good! I remember it well! We've talked at length about her feelings and she assures me it's just sex for her. Although she said that last time but he was her ex. This guy, she only sees in a hotel room. I suppose there's less chance developing anything, that way.

[sandy_paws 15]

I didn't mean to add any doubt or fear, I just wanted to lend a word of caution. I was speaking in reference to the first guy you mentioned who was the ex (and if that's done and over, great - move forward) and i believe you would/should be able to have trust in your wife if she says it's just physical. Hoping for all the best for you both.

[JohnUK1 15]

Thanks Sandy. Yeah I suppose one bitten an all that...but she'd adamant that there's nothing to worry about with this guy.

[JohnUK1 15]

UPDATE:

Well, I guess the inevitable happened...She was supposed to see him tonight. My stress levels have been up all week if I'm honest. I've tried to deal with them but no joy! She'd disappeared into the bedroom for a while and I suspected she'd be on her phone emailing him. I had a look and I was right. Now you guys probably think that thats nothing...but for me it kinda just feels like an affair, except that I know about it. The worst part is I'm finding it near impossible to trust her. I kinda went into one, and it turns out she was only on facebook. Well I didn't take a good luck she may have been on gmail too.

Anyway, she said she's not going to go even though I said she can go, although I was saying it in anger!! As much as the idea, when making love turns me on, the reality is just too much for me and messing up my head. I'm finding it almost impossible to trust her. So this is not for me I finally accept that now. In the past I'd want it again as it was a turn on but there's just too much problems coming from it for me. As they say...it's not for everyone. We were very happy before we tried this again recently. But if you loose trust and the reality did actually hurt me, as well as turn me on. But my sanity is way better off served just being us for us! There's going to be a lot of tension in the house for a while and we probably need to do loads of repair talking, but for now I just want my space and to have some me time where I can de-stress and forget about all this. I still love her with all my heart!!

 

Thanks guys for all your advice and input!

 

John.