Do you ever get emotionally involved?

[mntoklahoma 16]

Hello all

 

Wondering if anyone has gotten emotionally involved with a couple or single that you have been involved with. There were a few couples that my wife has gotten attached too and had a emotional involvement with. So when things did not work out she took it pretty hard after seeing them for quite awhile. I always told her that if you can just walk away from it then you should not get involved. As long as we are good to go as a couple then it is all good but the swinging should be more recreational fun then anything.

 

Wondering what everyone elses thoughts are about this.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Hasn't happened with us. But, it's a game breaker for us. If either of us starts falling for a play partner, our rule is cold turkey with them; no more play dates.

[mntoklahoma 16]

Good rule...keeps you out of trouble and saves on heart ache

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My wife(ex) fell in love with the first guy I talked her into having sex with while I watched. She loved it! It's a long story but it was awesome to see her having orgasms with her new lover. We had awesome sex sessions many times. She loved having sex with both of us and there was no jealousy on my part but he wanted to possess her. It was his jealousy that ruined an awesome experience and it was a difficult decision to end the relationship.

[StewartP 171]

We have had one couple get too close: talking of "love" from both of them, non stop texts on the phone. They were demanding a lot of our time and couldn't undestand that we like to consecrate a lot of our weekends to the kids and family as well as other swinger friends.

Once they started insisting on meeting up once a month, 1 weekend out of 4 that made it very difficult to find time for anyone else.

They also said they ha stopped seeing other couples and were dedicating their swinging to us. They didn't want to know about our hookups with other people because they got jealous.

It all just got too complicated! When we tried to put the brakes on they gave us an "all or nothing" ultimatum. So sadly it had to be nothing.

A very painful breakup as they had been the first couple we had met, and we had become very good friends.

 

Polyamory exists, and there are people who enjoy the buzz of faling in love. It is entierly possible to love more than one person, but by God it gets complicated!

 

Life is complicated enough! It's already a tricky job just keeping one relationship going, to try and manage triads and more, keeping everybody happy, balanced and jealosuy free... very tricky.

 

Result, our rules are now: no drama, no love. It's still tricky because some friends are very dear to us but that's not the same as love.

[Dont.Stop 339]

We did this with another couple. And while one of them reciprocated, one didn't. Eventually he lost interest in Mrs.DontStop so I and the female decided to put the brakes on our feelings for each other.

 

We remain friends. It was fun while it lasted, but the break up was naturally a bit painful. The experience has made us stronger. Poly is similar, but still different from swinging.

 

If you're going for emotional attachment, you'll definitely want someone who is already in a primary relationship (single males need not apply here!). You're not the sole object of their affection and attention, and it lessens the jealousy aspect.

 

And again, this becomes a poly thing and less a swinging thing.

[mntoklahoma 16]

All

 

Thanks for the great replys. I know with some people sex and love are hard to keep seperated. I look at swinging as kind of a cool hobby. Kind of like playing a very fun board game. As long as things do get complicated with emotion and couples being selfish then it can be fun.

 

One of our main rules when we were swinging was not to be exclusive with any couple even though we talked to some that wanted that.

[DigginIt 1,132]

My thoughts are that no matter how well we compartmentalize sex...repeat encounters that get more romantically involved will result in some type of bonding.

 

Mrs. Diggs and I recognize that in our play scenarios and it's never equal between the couples but no matter how physical you keep it there is some emotional imprinting regardless of how wired tight your reign on your relationship may be. I just don't believe it doesn't happen to certain degrees. For us, it's very, very, very slight I think we are the most drama free couple ever, lol.

 

Having said that, emotional stress is inevitable with long term swing partners because eventually another couple will come along and those fresh lustful feelings are going to migrate to the newer couple.

 

It's a part of the lifestyle.

[Alura 2,774]

There was never any "emotional bonding" with our playmates, even when we swapped with my best friend of nearly forty years and his wife. He and I are still friends today.

 

Perhaps it was because of the lighthearted attitudes we took into our play sessions. Swinging sex could not have been more different from our lovemaking. It was fun; there was laughter, joking, silliness, that rarely entered the times when we expressed our love for each other. After playing with another couple, we always found ourselves in need of the bonding that came as an integral part of our lovemaking so we made love, deeply and emotionally, grateful for what we had with each other.

 

Swapping could provide the fun and variety that lovemaking didn't but it could not replace the love and need for each other.

 

Chocolate cake is wonderful but it can't replace our need for buffalo meat. It's easy to separate sex from love; they're quite different and especially delicious when we can have both.

 

Alura

[DigginIt 1,132]

There was never any "emotional bonding" with our playmates

 

You always give great answers but I didn't take the "emotional bonding" to refer necessarily to "love" as much as a bridging between the couples.

 

You said that you are still really good friends with a guy you used to swap with but had that really good friendship been severed back during the time where you were heavily in play, would it have "stung" a little to either of you? Just curious on that take.

 

There were other answers that bordered on love but emotional bonding doesn't necessarily have to equate to more than a deep friendship. I've lost friends over the years for really stupid reasons and we were not sleeping with them and it hurt.

 

I know you were not targeting my response and being general but after I read your post it made me want to clarify mine more. I think that the emotional imprint of any degree of closeness is enhanced by sex.

 

Just food for thought.

[Alura 2,774]

You always give great answers but I didn't take the "emotional bonding" to refer necessarily to "love" as much as a bridging between the couples.

 

What a nice compliment, DigginIt! Thank you. I'm not sure I can separate "love" from "bridging between the couples." My initial thought is that sex did "bridge" the couples in that we probably became better friends, but "love" was never an issue.

 

You said that you are still really good friends with a guy you used to swap with but had that really good friendship been severed back during the time where you were heavily in play, would it have "stung" a little to either of you? Just curious on that take.

 

Now, that's an interesting question I'd not considered. "John" and I became friends in Germany in either 1973 or '74, depending on whether one puts stock in his memory or mine. The friendship has been severed several times since, when we've been separated by distance, but we've always been able to reestablish it when we're back within communicating distance.

 

Mrs. Alura and I returned to Oklahoma in the early eighties. In the mid-eighties, John married a U.S. soldier. When she was posted to a base in a neighboring state, our friendship was picked up again. We were like any two vanilla couples until she was ordered to Desert Shield. They came to visit before she left and the spa led the four of us to bed. We only swapped once. They decided to divorce because John couldn't seem to "do things right" such as squeeze the toothpaste tube evenly. The split had nothing to do with swinging. I'm still friends with and in touch with both although I haven't seen the ex Mrs. John since. She's now a college professor back east. John, remarried now, still lives in the neighboring state. He has visited at least twice a year for over twenty years.

 

There were other answers that bordered on love but emotional bonding doesn't necessarily have to equate to more than a deep friendship. I've lost friends over the years for really stupid reasons and we were not sleeping with them and it hurt.

 

I would not disagree with this. I took "emotionally involved" to mean "falling in love." It was never a threat to us. I chose John as an example because he's the closest friend we ever played with. He and I still laugh and joke about the memories. His wife knows about our history but she has no interest in swinging and I, of course, no longer have a wife to swap, so I'm "retired" from the sport.

 

Just food for thought.

 

Indeed, it was mentally-nourishing food! Thank you!

 

Alura

[JB 140]

Just to clarify… agree with all above but are we talking about a real “love/emotion” thing, or just caring about them as people?

 

I bet all who said the have no emotional attachment above, would help out if the couple in question was broke down in their car 20 miles away.

 

That’s just being human, and caring about someone else as a person.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

I read this thread back a couple weeks ago and it has actually been on on my mind ever since. I can completely relate with what DigginIt calls "bridging between couples" and the deep friendships that can form between couples that swing together. And whenever you have a deep friendship, whether it is in a swinging context or vanilla context, emotions and caring come into play. If you didn't care about them how could you claim to have a friendship with them? There is a big difference between romantic love and the "love" or caring that most people have for their closest friends. But still, regardless of the nature of the relationship, if the friendship was real it is going to sting when it breaks up.

 

We are in the thick of a relationship like this right now with another couple and it can be really intense at times. We talk to them nearly every day, we see each other socially, we get together and spend time with each others children/vanilla friends, and every 3 or 4 weeks we manage a "play" night for just the 4 of us. This has been going on for about 6 months now. We each have very strong marriages, but the sexual chemistry when we swap is intense and the friendships outside of the swinging are real. My husband and I have talked about it extensively. We don't know how others would label it, but we've just come to understand it as swinging using the FWB model. We know it isn't the way most swingers do things, but it works for us. Still, I find myself worrying sometimes about how it will end. The only reason this works for us is because all 4 of us want it and it works for all of us. But all it will take will be 1 of the 4 of us to lose interest and then what? It seems inevitable that some of us will get hurt. But I guess that's a risk we've agreed to accept.

 

Anyway, in response to the OP, I think you just have to decide what is right for you and your wife. There is no right or wrong way to swing. You just have to do what is right for you and if that means you don't want to form friendships or emotional ties then just don't do it.

[km34 672]

We have formed friendships with quite a few of the people we have swung with. It was never an issue, usually when we started losing interest sexually, the friendship kind of waned as well since sex was the MAIN bond between us even though it wasn't the ONLY thing we had in common.

 

We are now in a poly situation that evolved from a swinging situation, but that is with the approval of everyone involved. She and I started having feelings for each other so we talked to our husbands. Had either of them been wary or disapproving, we wouldn't have acted upon them and probably would have stepped away (sexually) for a while to clear our heads. I am VERY good friends with her husband. After my husband and his wife, he is the very next person I would call if I needed help. Actually, I'd probably call HIM before HER since she sucks at keeping her phone on her.

 

Anyway, I have an emotional bond with both of them - one romantically, one a very, very good friendship. My husband's bond with them is purely friendly/sexual. Do I think it's a bad thing? No. Is it for everyone? No. If YOU want to be able to walk away at any moment and aren't comfortable with your wife forming those connections, that's that. Granted, if your wife really wants those bonds then maybe you should try to bend a little. My view would be that you should be able to walk away from the sex at any time, but if you're really friends, you don't need to walk away from the people.

[willyoats 324]

11 years ago, I fell in love with one of my swinging partners and she with me. My wife knows her and knows all about our relationship. Our marriage is my top priority, so there is no chance of breakup and realignment. In fact, my relations with the other woman are actually a positive influence in our marriage.

 

My wife understands that it is quite possible to love more than one person at a time, and since there is no threat to the marriage, she accepts that I have a need for this other woman. She also knows that if she dies, I will buy a one way ticket to this other woman's city.

 

For quite a while I was seeing another woman for whom I had quite strong feelings, but I think it was not love in the way I love my wife and the woman I mentioned above. She would come to our house, and we would have sex while my wife was out shopping or playing bridge, etc. Then when my wife got home, we would all have lunch together or go for a boat ride or something like that. It was all above board; no sneaking around. That is over now, much to my regret, but the pain of the breakup was not the devastation that I would feel if either of the other two women walked out on me.

 

It takes a special wife to recognize that these kinds of relationships are not threatening but rather are an unusual kind of need on my part. She would probably prefer that she is the ONLY woman I really care for, but my love for this other woman is such a small part of our wonderful relationship, that she tolerates it quite easily.

[StewartP 171]

Similar thing to willyoats, I had an affair with an office colleague.

 

Fiona knew about it and was OK with it. My colleague, Emmanuelle, knew that we were swingers and knew that Fiona knew, and she was never truly comfortable with that.

 

We fell in love, she to the extent that she was talking of leaving her husband, wanting me to leave Fiona etc.

 

Ultimately the situation was making her desperately unhappy, so we put an end to it amid much tears from her and me.

 

I won't be heading into that scenario again! greta sex, great times, but in the end everyone got hurt