Scared to ask daughter if she will be at party

[Playingnow 39]

I posted about a year ago about being at a place and was surprised to find our daughter there. Then posting a question for my friend, has caused me to come back and read the forums. Now I have to ask even though I'm a little scared to ask!

 

Well this has played on my mind every since. Not the fact that we saw her getting it on or she now knows we venture into the life style once in awhile. But she has only once talked to me about it and has since comes around less and refuses to talk anymore about that night or any other discussions about our lifestyle relationships.

 

Here is the thing. We have been invited to a Christmas party that we know will have activities of the lifestyle. We also know she has been invited and has accepted the invite. We were told she knows we will be there too.

 

So now I am thinking, what if? What if we get to playing and find out she is in our group? Will we be introduced into something involving her? I have no idea whom she is going with.

 

I have left messages for her to call me or her Mom to try and seek out what her thoughts are but she hasn't returned any of the calls. I don't know yet, what her true feelings are about that night.

 

We really want to go to this party as certain people we know will be there but knowing she will be too, has us scared of a connection we might not want or she might not want.

 

Are we correct to avoid this party this time? I am thinking we should cancel. and

[junkyard38 21]

My suggestion would be to find another Christmas party, along with another group of friends where she is not one of the invited guests. If your daughter is not willing to communicate, going to this party could really impair your family bond.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Cancel.

 

Psychologically this has "messed up" written all over it. Not from any sick sense of the word but from the concept of the thought of seeing my parents naked just freaks me the fuck out let alone them seeing me have sex with someone else.

 

Her reluctance to speak/converse about it could be from embarrassment or another of other emotions.

 

It's not a subject I hope to ever be comfortable around my kids to discuss.

 

Best of luck but my advice is to find another party.

[Alura 2,774]

I have to agree that the best answer is probably to cancel, but that action will not solve the basic problem... that your daughter will not communicate with you or your wife.

 

I'd suggest that y'all send her a message to the effect,

 

"Your Mom and I have been invited to the same party but we plan to cancel because we've never talked about our feelings about the first party where we were all guests. We have an elephant in the room. It seems to be driving us apart and that's the last thing we want. Can we talk this out, please?"

 

I've never had this situation so this is mere speculation.

 

Alura

[Playingnow 39]

Well my wife and I have decided to cancel for this party. I talked to the hosts and asked why would they invite us and her knowing what happened before. Their reply was it was my daughter's idea.

 

WHAT?

 

The hosts asked us to come anyway and if we felt uncomfortable, then don't participate in the group activities. Ahhhhh, we were not participating in them last time when we ran into each other. We don't participate in the group activities anyway.

 

So yesterday my wife gets a phone call. I am sort of listening but trying to watch TV. My wife comes on and tells me it was our daughter. She wanted to know why we were trying to butt in on her social life and then asked if Dad was a pervert wanting to play with her.

 

Oh boy here we go!

 

Needless to say, we won't be going to any parties for a long time.

[StewartP 171]

What a mind fuck!

 

Breathe deep, let a little time go past and then tell her that it's nothing of the kind and blame it all on a misunderstanding between you, her and the party organiser.

 

Lay the blame on him and reassure her that the boundaries between her private life and yours will never be knowingly crossed.

 

Best of luck!

[Alura 2,774]

I think y'all made the right decision, Playingnow. This communication challenge with your daughter must be confronted, but not at a swing party! I don't think I'd wait long, though. I'd get pissed off now!

 

Perhaps I'm wrong, but weren't you and your wife in the group before she was?

 

Has anyone ever talked to your daughter about her ego?

 

Alura

[celtic239 297]

Avoid the party like the plague. If this is a lifestyle party for adults consisting of the same or about the same age bracket then how is it your daughter got on the invite list? Is she in the lifestyle or is she just snooping?

[Playingnow 39]

Well yesterday I drove to the town my daughter lives to try and find out what is going on. We did cancel and the hosts said they were under the assumption that both my daughter and us were fine with the situation.

 

I cornered her in her driveway and we talked nearly a half hour about this. Now it is my understanding, she is pissed off because we never told her years ago that we were swingers. Fact is, we just got into it a little over a year ago maybe 2 months before this fiasco began.

 

She is afraid we have judged her as a slut not being married and attending many parties. So I ask her what she deemed us as. Uhhhhhh.

 

I assured her it was her own business what she does. We done our job raising her as openly as possible. I think! Form here on in, we will not bring the subject up. Of course we haven't since last year but.

 

As far as the party, We are not going. In fact, we have decided to just stay away from these kind of parties around here anyway. We have made enough friends to party by our selves in the style if we choose to.

[Alura 2,774]

Good for you for going the extra mile, Playingnow! The easiest way out (to just ignore the elephant in the room as if it didn't exist, in this case) is rarely the best.

 

I'd keep the communication open, though. Your family may find the subjects during Thanksgiving dinner are a lot more fun in the future.

 

There's nothing wrong with two couples in front of a fireplace on a snowy evening with a bottle of wine or two. That was our favorite scene.

 

Alura

[km34 672]

Wow! I think you handled the situation wonderfully. You just made me very thankful that I live far enough away from my parents that if they are swingers, I will never run into them in that situation!! My only recommendation is that if you do decide to return to the party scene in the future, that you give your daughter a heads up so that ya'll can avoid each other like the plague! I would hope she would be a bit more pleasant about it if you're all working towards the same goal of respecting each others' privacy. Good luck!

[celtic239 297]

Kudos - you showed great control and common sense as well as a lot of guts because there is no way I would have been able to approach our daughter had this been our situation.

[meumeu 46]

I would want absolutley nothing to do with this one CANCEL!! She's probably avoiding you guys out embarrassment, just imagine what could happen if you guys are grouped together vice just seeing each other in a compromising situation as before. Good luck with that but my first thought is to find another party to attend.

[Playingnow 39]

Well party was this past Saturday night. We did not go. Yesterday morning I got woke up with the phone ringing. It was a friend that did go. Asked where the hell we were. Explained to him why we didn't go. He told me that our daughter did come but only stayed a few minutes then left. He was told that she told a few people that her and I had agreed that neither of us were playing at parties anymore. Well I told her that but she never agreed to neither of us playing.

 

Anyway, it burns my ass! He said we missed a very good party. Said there was several hot women there.

 

So I am thinking now, she came to see if we showed up or not? Mixed thoughts.

 

We had our own party though. Introduced another couple into having fun. I'll write a story about that on it's own.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Anyway, it burns my ass! He said we missed a very good party.

 

Forget about that party, because..........

 

We had our own party though. Introduced another couple into having fun. I'll write a story about that on it's own.

 

All's well that ends well, eh?

 

As for your daughter, we don't know her, so we can't speak to her motivation for doing a party drive-by.

[djjwp 129]

Time heals all. Just let things settle and let her know you care for her. It will take a while but she will grow up and see what she is doing by not communicating with you two.

[Additude 457]

I am going to answer this first without reading the entire thread because I want my thoughts fresh and not to be influenced by what else is said here.

 

You need to go to this party. You need to take the "Daughter" out of the equation.

 

Do not let her "problem", if she has one, become your reason and your decision for not attending the party. Honestly, you do not even know what issue, if any that she has. You're guessing and reacting on emotion.

 

You go to the party, she is a big girl, if she has a problem with you being there, then she needs to decide not to attend the party, not you! She needs to be in charge of her.

 

If she doesn't want to talk to you then that is her decision. Respect it. That means that you need to decide if you're going to keep trying to communicate with her (which I hope you will) or otherwise you need to decide that you're not going to keep trying (which I hope you will not do). She needs to respect that.

 

This woman might be your daughter, but she is not your kid. She has her own life and she can be responsible for it.

 

Because she is your daughter, you keep the channel of communication open, you remain understanding, forgiving, respectful and let her know you love her.

 

But she doesn't control whether you decide to go to a party or not. She controls whether she decides to go to a party or not.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would also suggest that you skip the party.

 

Until you and your daughter get to a point where you can openly discuss this issue it's best to not go to the same parties (if you can help it). When you get to a point where you can talk about it will be easy to discuss the "what ifs" with her and set boundaries and then perhaps you might both feel comfortable attending the same party. Otherwise, you are just asking for drama and a bad time.