Confused...Need advice

[Blury 15]

Hello all,

I am new to this site and I joined to get some advice from swingers with experience...

Before we got married (10 months ago), my husband talked to me about his fantasies of having threesomes etc. He said he had been to Hedo twice before but never told me he wanted this lifestyle with me. He talked about it a context of creating experiences together. As soon as we got married, he made me dive into it, going to clubs and meeting people at least once a week. He spends his time on websites emailing and responding to couples. I am a monogamous woman and i got married thinking we would only be together but it never happened. I thought having sexual adventures with other people would be once in a while (like every 6 months), but I, realizing it's like an addiction for him. It hurts me when I see him with other people and to think he wants to share me. I always feel I'm not enough for him. I feel like he uses me as a tool to have sex with other women he finds attractive. I feel like he uses swinging so he doesn't have to feel guilty of having extramarital fantasies and to avoid cheating altogether.

 

When I watch i'm have sex with other women, he is so into it like he forgets I'm there. I brought it up recently that I'm having a hard time with swinging. He says "do you want me to end up cheating on you?!"... and he says that it's fun and that I should get used to it to make him happy because it's part of him. Swinging consists of 95% of our fights and they are like world war 3...I feel that if I don't comply to his "needs', our marriage will collapse.

 

I have nothing against the lifetyle but I'm not sure it's for me..Every time we swing I feel like crying. Letting strangers touch me and fuck me so he could do the same...

 

Please, let me know your thoughts on how to deal with this...Is it possible to get used to this lifestyle? If your spouse decided they didn't want to swing anymore, is your relationship strong enough to survive it? Would you disconnect form your partner? Is swinging a "need" to you?

 

Thank you for those who want to help....I can't talk to anybody about this...

[StewartP 171]

Blury - what a terrible situation to be in.

 

You are not to blame for this situation, I hate to say it, but your husband is being a dick. He does not follow the philosopy of swinging where everything is done in mutual respect and consent. He is using you and allowing others to use you.

 

You must stop it. For your own self respect and well being stop letting him use you as bait and an excuse for his own selfishness. This is abuse.

 

I am so sorry, perhaps other, brighter people here can give you more concrete, positive ways to procede.

 

Please feel that you are among friends here you will not judge you or force you into anything, but there is a wealth of experince here, people who have seen all sides of swinging.

 

Best wishes, Stew

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. It does not sound like your husband has any intention of changing. Are you open to him swinging while you remain monogamous? This does work for some couples. You should not be with other people sexually if you don't want to.

 

Instead of fighting about swinging you need to talk about it. If you can't do that without fighting, maybe a counselor would be able to help mediate.

 

I really don't think swinging is the kind of thing that grows on you if you are forced into it. You should stop hurting yourself (stop swinging) and figure out what you want for your future. Fighting with your spouse and feeling bad about what you are doing sexually sounds like a terrible situation.

 

Good luck.

[JB 140]

Ditto.

 

He is not swinging, he is already cheating in front of you.

 

As a guy, I say call his bluff. That would make me think twice. I know that I can get ten times the action if we are together verses me just going out and doing something.

 

It will be very difficult for him to “cheat” without you, especially with his personality (sorry).

 

The bulk of swingers here are into it because they love seeing their partner pleased, they are not really into it for themselves. This is the difference.

 

On the flip side, are there any aspects of the lifestyle that you do enjoy? Perhaps a compromise might work.

 

Expect another WWIII with either of these two subjects, but if your intention is to remain in the marriage, then it sounds like it must be born of fire.

 

I am really sorry that you are in this situation, I don’t see a pleasant time for you at all in the near future. But remember, life is way too short to be unhappy, and tomorrow is another day.

[Blury 15]

Thank you both for your replies...I am so torn...and I do feel forced into it...

 

I wanted to have fun with my husband and the first experience was nice but now things have gotten so sour...I go to clubs with him, and when he drinks, his reactions are worst...if I don't feel like dancing he gets mad...if he finds a couple attractive I voice that I do not, he says I am a barrel in his wheels and that when he was single he could do whatever he likes...

 

I try to talk about it but he's on the defensive and always gets upset and tells me I'm difficult, controlling, and I don't accept him for who he is and that he married me thinking I would be the one he could be himself with..This makes me feel so guilty. I think that he wouldn't have married me if he thought I wouldn't do everything he wants.

 

Since we started swinging, we stopped exploring our own sexuality together which makes me even more insecure when I'm in that context. We still have sex a lot but I feel he always looked more excited with other women even if they are less attractive than me.

 

I am so confused...this is on my mind all the time...I'm always wondering if my feeling of him using me as bait are true or am I being paranoid.

 

He sees and I tell him how much it hurts me..we never end a swinging night without arguing...but still he insists that he teaches more about it and he says our relationship will be find as long as I accept him and become more easy going...I feel like without swinging he would be miserable..so I try..and I continue trying, hoping that I will one day be ok with it...

 

Maybe it would have been different if I felt he was understanding and not pushy from the beginning...I wasn't comfortable with kissing other people (and I still aren't) but he kept insisting and insisting...then he wanted to do separate rooms to fulfill his fantasy of walking in on me...every time I wonder if what excites him is really watching me and sharing or simply having his cake and eating it too...

 

I feel like crying all the time but I can't show it..the only time when I see him happy is when I say yes to every couple he wants to meet, every party he wants to go to...otherwise he gets depressed and sulks and irritable...

 

We have been married for less than a year...I'm 31 years old...I never knew it was going to be like this...I wasn't ready for this at all. I love my husband and he is the sweetest man when swinging isn't involved but our desires clash...Would he be able to live without swinging and be happy with me? he threatens me that he will disconnect from me if we stop...but the more we do it, the more it troubles me...We didn't even have a few years enjoying only each other...I want a monogamous marriage. Can this ever happen?

 

I am sorry I'm rambling on...I feel so alone...I've been holding this in for so long...Noone around me knows about this side of our life.

 

Would you guys still think your relationship is fulfilled if you had to stop swinging?

[StewartP 171]

If Fiona asked me to stop I'd stop in a flash. No question.

 

Everyone is different. For us swinging is an extra, the cherry on the cake, it is not the be-all and end-all of our sexuality. We've had some great times swinging, and we have some fantastic friends, but it doesn't hold a candle to our relationship with each other.

 

if he finds a couple attractive I voice that I do not, he says I am a barrel in his wheels and that when he was single he could do whatever he likes...

I try to talk about it but he's on the defensive and always gets upset and tells me I'm difficult, controlling, and I don't accept him for who he is and that he married me thinking I would be the one he could be himself with..This makes me feel so guilty. I think that he wouldn't have married me if he thought I wouldn't do everything he wants.

 

This is classic controlling behaviour. He is being terribly selfish, but making YOU feel guilty for it.

 

Obviously we only have your telling of the tale, but from what I can read you have done nothing wrong, and should not be bearing all this guilt.

 

Your self-confidence has gone and your self-respect is suffering and this is driving a spiral of making you feel everything is your fault, and in turn making you ever more easy to manipulate.

 

I'm no councellor, I can't advise you what to do or say, but I really think you deserve better. If you had known before the wedding what you know know would you have married him?

 

Someone has already said life is short. You are throwing away precious time being miserable and guilty and tortured over things that are not your fault.

 

Being alone and having no-one to confide in must be awful for you. Keep your computer safe and spill it all here.

 

Thinking of you, Stew

[Blury 15]

Hi JB,

 

The thing is, my husband has a great personality with everyone. He's kind, respectful, courteous and very handsome...but people don't see his personality with me when we're in the context. He brings me aside and scolds me...

 

I enjoy swinging when everyone is interacting together in the same bed...not seperate...watching him does not excite me...on the contrary...I only want to be with my husband but thinking of staying monogamous while he swings kills me inside...

 

My husband doesn't want to go see a counselor to help us communicate better....he says I am the one with the problem and I am jealous and insecure.

 

The only option I see is stopping altogether...but this might have terrible consequences on our marriage. I'm afraid he will start hating me.

[StewartP 171]

Si vous preferez on peut en parlez en Francais.... J'ai l'impression que vous etes Quebequoise! Envoyez-moi un message perso si vous voulez

 

Bises, Stew

[lovinher 505]

You have three choices. Stay with him and put up with it. Leave him and find someone who respects you or try to talk this out again.

Would he have a problem with your post? Maybe you could get him to this site. He may be taught a thing or two.

[Blury 15]

Thank you so much for your support Stew,

 

I wish my husband will be as understanding as you with your wife if we stop. he says the same thing as you: that it is a cherry on the cake of our relationship...but that is not the feeling I get...he knows what to say to make me feel better during the moments I question it all...

 

For a month I was very sick on antibiotics. During the week he was so sweet taking care of me...as soon as came the weekend, he barely talked to me,being depressed, sighing because he couldn't go out to the club and because we missed some parties...

 

Before we got married, I knew it was something he wanted to do with me. The only thing is, he presented in a way where his fantasy was actually watching me when in a threesome with another man (this never happened)...he went straight to couples knowing even if I told him many times I was uncomfortable seeing him with other women. If I had been straight up with me from the start telling me he wants it to be a weekly thing, I would've told him that I will never want it that frequently...and if it was a condition for marrying me, than we probably wouldn't have gotten married.

 

But the fact is Stew...he never told me that. He presented it to me as only fantasies...He said even if we don't do it, we can still fantasize about it...and I was curious...just not to his extent. Once or twice would've done it. I remind him now about how he presented it before...he acknowledges, but his excuse is that for him it's all or nothing and if he closes up to me on this topic, he will close up on everything else just like what he did with his exes. He tells me he will slowly disconnect from me because he'll have to watch everything he says and thinks. Who wants their husband to do that? I don't want to have a disconnected relationship...I don't want him to hate his life.

 

I tell him now I will enjoy it if we experience it only once in a while but this is too much for me...the best compromise I got from him so far is doing it once every two weeks...but even then he comes back saying that we agreed to not go to the CLUB every two weeks, so that means we can meet up with people on the week we don't go out...But NO...it was swinging altogether that we agreed on! he doesn't listen and says I'm being pessimistic and he hates negativity...and says I have no way of knowing if I won't want to do it in two weeks and I am just anticipating the worst. He says I'm the most rigid person he knows and that he has one life to live and wants to live it to the fullest.

 

I feel on a roller coaster ride...one day I feel I'm the world to him and the love of his life, and when I don't comply to his wants or I argue with him on certain things, he tells me he hates his life...how hurtful it is to hear your spouse say he hates his life and that you are a barrel in his wheels for swinging...*sigh...

[TwoAreLooking 58]

okay, many thoughts, and this may be horribly garbled. Sorry in advance!

 

Thought: he's being a jackass, and a coontrolling, abusive jackass at that. This is a mutual journey. If D said "no, I can't do this," we'd be done. Period. Would I miss it? Yes... but my primary relationship is the point.

 

Thought: baby girl, you feel bad about having sex with other people? This will come out harsh: stop it. His pleasure is not worth your emotional torture. No matter what.

 

Thought: what else do you get from this relationship? Do you fear abuse if you speak up and say, "hey, let's cool it with the playtime with others, for a non-specific period of time, until I say I'm willing to dip my toe in again, if ever?" If the answer is yes, I worry about you and the relationship.

 

Thought: threatening to cheat if you won't swing is pure mean mind-fuckery.

 

Please don't be too upset if I'm too brass tacks. I'm just a voice on the internet, you know?

 

All my love,

 

M

[Blury 15]

TwoAreLooking - I will try to tell him this in the way you suggested...but yes, I worry about the relationship...After voicing countless times that I am not comfortable with this lifestyle, he still insists on it...

 

Once, when fighting about this, I asked him: what is it that do you want?

 

He replied: you don't want to know.

 

I said: Yes. Tell me.

 

He said: I want a wife that is pleased in doing the same things as me and if she's not, I want her to pretend that she is.

 

I was so sad...he then said: I told you you didn't want to know. later he tried to justify it saying he meant it in another way...but please...

 

The fundamental problem is that he thinks I should go out of my way to satisfy what he wants because this is what a good wife does. :-(

[MrsPandMe 150]

Well, one thing that is an absolutely is you cannot continue to engage in something you are, in effect, not consenting to. You have to stop swinging. If your husband decides that he has to cheat on you, that is a different problem that needs to be dealt with, but what you are allowing to happen to yourself is not healthy by any stretch. I know it's difficult to face the possibility of blowing up the marriage, but you need to stand on the principals you have, especially when it comes to things like sex.

 

I know you said you can't talk to someone about this, but that is exactly what you need to do. First would be your husband. If he doesn't listen, find the next closest person you trust. You need to make very serious decisions about how hard you want to fight to save this marriage, and be open to the possibility that it might be unsalvageable. I obviously don't have the whole story nor am I a therapist of any kind, but I've been to enough rodeos to know that people who are working through marriage problems need to see the whole picture and be open to the possibility that nothing is left to repair.

 

Relationships are like machines. They might look shiny and impressive, but you really don't know what you've got until you've had it running for a while.

 

Mr. P

[Baconheads 438]

It would have been nice if your now wedded husband would have been more forthcoming about his kink before the two of you tied the knot. It sounds like the two of you got married under false pretenses, if he indeed as you say, married you just to be able to call himself a couple and share you just to get some strange pussy.

 

Do not have children with this man until and unless you resolve this issue. It is a blessing that you have only been married for 10 months. You may have to ditch him, and probably the sooner the better. The Good Lord does not require of us to be miserable.

[ALilOEverything 901]

if she's not, I want her to pretend that she is.

 

This doesn't work. It won't work and this attitude would destroy even the strongest of women. This isn't the same as humoring a husband and making the best of going to a football game that you couldn't care less about. This attitude from him means that you're feelings are completely unimportant. This means he lacks respect for you. This is an unhealthy relationship as it stands today.

 

If you put a stop to the lifestyle and he holds that against you and "punishes" you for it, then you need to take a good look at the mirror, tell yourself you deserve better and start making some hard decisions. Failed marriages suck, do I ever know that. It's a risk you're going to have to take because the path this is going on right now is very destructive.

[Blury 15]

Yes I know...

 

I am foolish and I told him I would try to be comfortable with it...I just want the fighting to stop...:-( but I know deep down my feelings won't change...

 

If I tell him I changed my mind again, it like pushing and pulling no...He'll think I'm inconsistent..I don't know how to approach him..

 

Do any of you think that writing him a letter to voice clearly how I'm feeling would be a good way to communicate this to him (that I don't want to swing anymore)...Simply telling him that I don't want to have sex or watch him have sex with other people and that I tried but it's not working for me?...

[Alura 2,775]

What a shame you have to endure this, Blury!

 

I agree with the others, but must add that your husband shows classic personality traits of an abuser. If he hasn't beaten you yet, it's probably only a matter of time.

 

Afterward he will be very sorry and apologize while explaining to you that it was your fault that he "lost his temper."

 

You refer to "his exes." That must mean that he has more than one. Do you know them? Would it be possible to contact them and learn what happened in their marriages? It might be enlightening. Be sure to ask if the abuse ever became physical.

 

If you learn that he has a history of physical abuse, run to an attorney and extract yourself from this situation.

 

Please stay with us. The folks on this board are very caring and will help as much as they can. In the end, though, you must help yourself.

 

Alura

[JB 140]

Well, first choice is simply stop it. Take the stand that if he continues, you will leave. Simple. Take the risk of him hating you, but then I might be more of a gambler. I’m not saying to bluff, get it in your own mind that you are not happy and very real happiness is available to you either with him or someone else.

 

Back to a compromise (more diplomatic)…

 

Your previous posts say that:

“when he drinks, his reactions are worst”

“I enjoy swinging when everyone is interacting together in the same bed”

 

So just zeroing in on those two things, there might be room for a compromise there.

 

Perhaps consider telling him that you might have fun as long as there is no drinking and everyone stays in the same bed, within arms reach. And you would be willing to have fun with that for “X” time period. At the end of that time period the entire situation would be reevaluated.

 

If he persists in not budging, and wants to “cheat”, then tell him that you enjoy swinging, and then YOU will go out and find a partner that swings the way YOU want to. Pretty sure nothing would get his attention faster.

 

This is horrible advice, and this kind of mind-fuck belongs in a business meeting and not in a loving relationship, but I absolutely cannot stand guilt manipulation. Sorry.

 

I think in our hearts most here would really want you to just get away from this guy. But we know that is probably not what you want.

 

I think remaining consistent is an important part of what I am trying to say. Lay down rules, compromises, and timelines and stick with them. As much as it may hurt. You will wake up much happier as a person.

 

Pros and cons of a letter;

 

Pros; Sometimes that is the best way; you can clearly define your thoughts without interruption and distraction that way, and the communication is way more effective. Invite him to do the same. This really limits misunderstandings and words like “ I didn’t say that” .

 

Cons; Really hard to convey the emotions you might want to.

[Blury 15]

Hi Alora - by exes, I meant ex-girlfriends...He wasn't married before me..I asked him about how he was with them but he says he didn't swing with them, and that he didn't care and was disconnected from them, and always thinking if someone else out there was better for him, until he met me. He says this resulted in no fights, no abuse, nothing. And yes...he does say it's my fault that he looses his temper...He says he was never like this before and that I bring out the worst in him..:-(

 

This is what is crazy...He is the perfect guy when you meet him...Everyone think's he's adorable and how he looks like he loves me so much..and we get home, and he is still perfect until I say that one thing that upsets him...or until he speaks to me about a couple and I am not receptive...

 

I never EVER thought he would be capable of being like this...He was so patient and understanding before we got married...

[Alura 2,775]

Hi Alura - by exes, I meant ex-girlfriends...He wasn't married before me..I asked him about how he was with them but he says he didn't swing with them, and that he didn't care and was disconnected from them, and always thinking if someone else out there was better for him, until he met me. He says this resulted in no fights, no abuse, nothing. And yes...he does say it's my fault that he looses his temper...He says he was never like this before and that I bring out the worst in him..

 

But did the subject of "swinging" (I don't agree that is what he wants.) ever come up? How was it handled? Did it influence their break-up?

 

This is what is crazy...He is the perfect guy when you meet him...Everyone think's he's adorable and how he looks like he loves me so much..and we get home, and he is still perfect until I say that one thing that upsets him...or until he speaks to me about a couple and I am not receptive...

 

This is another indication of an abusive personality.

 

I never EVER thought he would be capable of being like this...He was so patient and understanding before we got married...

 

This is a really bad indication. It sounds like fraud to me.

 

Alura

[Blury 15]

JB - Thank you for your message.

 

The problem is that everytime I tell him I would prefer something which is restrictive to what he would like, he tells me I am a barrel in his wheels and that he can't be himself.

 

So basically, I'm trying to stay within my comfort level so I don't feel forced in anything, and we are both ok with the situation, but at the end of the day, if he doesn't get everything he wants: making out with all the girls on the dance floor, separate rooms, dancing with who he wants etc., I will always loose.

 

I think the best solution is me finding the courage to tell him once and for all that I will not do it anymore and to not be afraid that the marriage will break...I hope our relationship is worth more to him than his need for swinging.

[Blury 15]

Hi Alora,

 

Yes it did...he says he tried to bring it up with them but every time they shut the door in his face so he stopped talking about it. He told me one time he had a threesome with one of his exes and another guy and it made him feel closer to her.

 

Then he says that he feels closer to me afterwards when we reminisce...for me, it just creates distance, because I don't enjoy getting f**** (pardon my language) by strangers...I feel like I'm a piece of meet and I don't understand why my husband would want to share me with others..or throw me over to men that I tell I'm not even attracted to. I would like him to want me to himself.

 

Even when I was single, I never slept with men I didn't know. I felt cheap and little...It's not me... I want to have sex with the I'm involved with. That's it.

[Alura 2,775]

Hi Alora,

 

Yes it did...he says he tried to bring it up with them but every time they shut the door in his face so he stopped talking about it. He told me one time he had a threesome with one of his exes and another guy and it made him feel closer to her.

 

Then he says that he feels closer to me afterwards when we reminisce...for me, it just creates distance, because I don't enjoy getting f**** (pardon my language) by strangers...I feel like I'm a piece of meet and I don't understand why my husband would want to share me with others..or throw me over to men that I tell I'm not even attracted to. I would like him to want me to himself.

 

Even when I was single, I never slept with men I didn't know. I felt cheap and little...It's not me... I want to have sex with the I'm involved with. That's it.

 

I guess that "shut[ting] the door" ended the relationships. Do you expect a different result?

 

I'm just a hick Okie, and I never claimed to be a marriage counselor, but it seems to me that y'all are just too different to ever work out the problems. Sorry.

 

Alura

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

He may look perfect, but he is treating you awfully. You really need to dump him and move on. If he puts all the blame on you, is not willing to go to counseling or make compromises there is NO HOPE! You are a young, strong woman, you don't need to be married to someone who clearly doesn't love you and doesn't care about your feelings. As Alura said, these are signs of an abuser. I'd find a lawyer and a friend or family member you can live with temporarily.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Most people who are in abusive relationships stun those around them when the truth comes out. People are often surprised because the abusers are very good at hiding their nature from others.

 

Call it anything you like but it's very unhealthy, poisonous even. A loving partner will put your needs before their own. If they don't then they don't love you, they love themselves.

[Alura 2,775]

Good point!

 

Do you have a history of being in abusive relationships, Blury?

 

Alura

[Blury 15]

:'-(

 

I don't think that the exes shutting the door was the deal breaker...He says he felt judged and they overall they didn't have the same aspirations and goals in life (i.e. travel, etc.) and he never felt connected with them. Swinging never seemed to be the primary reason.

 

When it comes to me, he says he brought it up just to know how I would react, to see if I would accept him for what he did in the past as a single swinger, and not judge him. He says he would've married me regardless of me being into it or not...but...now, I'm not so sure.

 

I always think that he will go back to being how he was before we got married...This is what keeps me going: him telling me that this is not like him and that he was never like this in the past...

 

Have I ever been in abusive relationships? I have dated men who were verbally insensitive but it was visible from the start so it never lasted. I have been cheated on by exes in which I was in long term relationships with and in all honesty, my father cheated on my mother for 25 years with different people until she ended it. This is probably why swinging turns my stomach...My past is not in my favor but my present situation, I never saw coming. There were no signs it would turn this way before I got married.

[TwoAreLooking 58]

Sweet Blury,

 

I think what I see here is what I agree with...

 

we all love you, even though we don't know you

 

and

 

this man is being abusive and is potentially dangerous to you. A lot.

 

We will be here to support you emotionally as much as we can, and as much as you can let us.

 

M.

[Blury 15]

Thank you :-( Your responses really mean a lot to me...It's so reassuring that I can speak about what's been on my mind openly and that so many of you are listening...

[MN Tom 251]

Sorry for what you are dealing with blury.

 

I agree with many others, I would put a stop to the things you find distasteful, and if he cant handle that or doesn't want to work on finding a way to make you both happy, then that's it.

 

He does sound like an abuser, and it's not going to get better unless you change what you are doing about it.

[lizandtom 512]

Hi Blury, I just came in on this post and will be very direct due to seeing the exact same scenario first hand with many newly married couples where the guy is being truly abusive.

 

He is a child in a mans body. He doesn't love you; he loves how you've enabled him to maneuver you towards his playing the field. You were convenient, didn't put up much of a fuss and continue to go along with his whims ultimately. You are his bait to get other women. Words are meaningless to him; you might as well be speaking Chinese when it's all said and done. You have to move out and separate from him which is the only way he'll truly see just how devastating this is for you. It will then be up to you whether you want to give him a second chance or not, if he comes crawling back, tail between his legs. I may have missed it, but how old are you two?

[JB 140]

 

So basically, I'm trying to stay within my comfort level so I don't feel forced in anything, and we are both ok with the situation, but at the end of the day, if he doesn't get everything he wants: making out with all the girls on the dance floor, separate rooms, dancing with who he wants etc., I will always loose.

 

I think the best solution is me finding the courage to tell him once and for all that I will not do it anymore and to not be afraid that the marriage will break...I hope our relationship is worth more to him than his need for swinging.

 

Well, the compromises I mentioned earlier then become ultimatums. (again something that does not belong in a loving relationship) but when there is no choice, you have to do it.

 

I am 48 years old and I just found my soul mate 5 years ago. I never had any idea how happy someone could be until we met. I never knew someone could love ME this much. And there is NOTHING anyone could do to drive even the thinnest wedge between us.

 

Happiness IS out there Blury, you do need the courage, but it is not near as scary as you might think.

[Blury 15]

All your comments are making me realize a lot...I woke up crying this morning...I feel I'm on the edge of a breakdown...

 

My husband left on business on Monday and is coming back tonight. He texted me yesterday asking me if it was ok to book a swinging night with a couple...He's gone for a day and he can't help but prepare for the next encounter...he couldn't wait until he came back...He's obsessed with it.

 

I feel so deceived and tormented...We got along so well until we started this...I keep remembering awful feelings I had while looking at him fuck other women. He doesn't even look like he wants to play with me when we swing. He fucks the girl for a bit and when I come to play with him, after 2 minutes he asks if we can switch..it makes me feel so rejected...

 

When we go out to clubs, he used to want to dance with me and play with me first...But now he gets me on the dance floor and all he does is look at everyone else but me to see his prospects...And I don't want to sound conceited because I'm really not, but I am a very attractive person, slim, fit, pretty... but and it seems that everyone sees it but him in this context....He notices me only when we're at home and he tells me I'm beautiful. So If I'm so beautiful, why the unsatisfiable urge of being with other women?

 

One time, I was sick with 40 degree fever and I had promised him a month before I would go to this party with him. He was so excited, I didn't want to go through another weekend of him not talking and being depressed so we went anyway..As I was putting on my makeup, I was sweating and then I crawled in bed until it was time to go...He didn't one say that it was unreasonable for us to go...so we went. I was drinking water the whole night, sitting at the table, cold and covered with someone's vest. everyone kept asking em if I was ok...But he went off on his own, making out in corners with other women, out of my sight, scolding me because I couldn't dance and dragging me to the dancefloor so he could dance with other's wives, telling me that my sickness was causing him a horrible ruined night...and then he was so upset with me because I told him I felt like he didn't care, that he went to the play area to watch people...then to the dance floor grinding and kissing and going down on girls...without me..:-( The whole time a couple (our friends) stayed with me to keep me company, and kept asking: it doesn't bother you, we feel bad for you...

 

The next day, I had to to the ER...I was put on antibiotics for a month..and every weekend until I was better, he got depressed and barely talked or held me...because he couldn't swing..

 

I told him once I felt like he was using me as bait...but he gets upset telling me how dare I say that, that it's the experience together...but what experience together? it's not about us...

 

I feel I need to get it out...I'm just so sad....

[UserName123 15]

 

I feel I need to get it out...I'm just so sad....

 

That has to be difficult. It's so easy for us on the internet to see the dilemma for what it is.

 

YOU DO NEED TO GET OUT!!! Like yesterday....

 

The sooner the better. I read this thread and I got angry. I can't believe the situation you're in. But the longer you bend to his will, the longer you imprison yourself to an unhappy life.

 

What he's doing is down right abuse. It's emotional and mental. If he won't even consider meeting on some sort of common ground, what is the point? He obviously does not care about how you feel, AT ALL!! This really shocks me. I think he's lower than scum and you need to leave him. Find someone who will treat you like the gem you are. Not bait so he can fuck whomever he chooses.

 

This is one of the most messed up scenarios I've ever read. I'm truly shocked you let yourself stay in this situation.

[Blury 15]

...I just told my husband I was in too much pain and I didn't want to swing anymore and that I tried to like it but at the end I did it for him and sleeping with strangers makes me feel like shit afterwords.

 

He said if that's what it takes to make me happy, he will cancel everything and he will suppress this side of him. He said he didn't know it was making me suffer and that we will focus on fixing our relationship until it's solid, and that I'm more important. When and if I'm ready, we will try again...

 

I don't know how everything will end up...I am afraid that he will slowly disconnect from me or he will hold it against me...I guess time will tell.

[Alura 2,775]

Well, that sounds encouraging, Blury! I hope he's able to keep his word. Please stay in touch with us.

 

Alura

[lizandtom 512]

Blury, good first step, placing him on notice. However I believe, knowing that type of passive aggressive behaviour, that it wasn't truly enough of a scare for him, that his actions actually jeopardize your relationship.

 

Keep your radar up and look for signs that indeed he hasn't changed, because tigers can't easily change their stripes. Also be prepared to have an exit plan, i.e. a 'go bag' ready to go spend time at a friends or family, giving him time to truly realize that he's F'ing things up.

 

You staying in the same home/apt as him doesn't make it real to him that things 'could' end if he keeps his poor behaviour up. You've got to show him how serious it really is. Good luck and stay strong, pretty and optimistic.

[TwoAreLooking 58]

I agree with all of the replies! Keep an eye out, have a bag ready, and stay strong.

 

M.

[Blury 15]

...Yes, you are all right...I am staying on guard and I can't erase his behaviors. They will stay in my mind until I am sure.

 

We haven't brought up the subject up again. He says it's useless to talk about it more and that he will get used to it although he feels like swinging is part of him, as he had been doing it as a single on and off for 5 years (excluding when he was in relationships).

 

Maybe the best thing was to simply walk away from it all...but I need to try everything to save my marriage...

 

I too hope he can keep his word...and I do hope things can go back to the way they were before..as unrealistic as this may sound...I want to start fresh.

 

If it wasn't for all of you, I wouldn't have had the courage to do this. So whatever the final outcome, please know that finding this forum was the best thing that could have happened and it gave me strength to step up. I don't know any of you but regardless, I felt supported and relieved. THANKS YOU!

[Powerglide 235]

Dear Blury -- we all want to help you here, but I think you should really see a therapist and get some face-to-face support. Your husband seems totally oblivious to the pain you're in, and that's not good at all.

[cpl36996 91]

he probably is bipolar check with a psychology for hi mood "swings"

[Additude 457]

Blury,

 

Truely you may not like what I am going to say, maybe because you will think I am a short sighted jerk, but but maybe because what I have to say may be a difficult reality that you don't want to face.

 

Someone said that you are not to blame for this, but I must differ.

 

I think you are to blame, however not for everything, but absolutely for every part you are playing in it.

 

You are 100% responsible for every choice and every decision you make. No one makes you do anything, you're the one who decides whether you want to do it or not.

 

So now you have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life with hubby like this or not? You must decide!

 

If you decide that you don't want to keep going down this road, then the next step is for you load a plate full of this crap that you don't like about this situation and your involvement in it and hand it to your husband with a fork and spoon, then you tell hubby that he has to make a decision, you and your feelings or him and his feelings.

 

Don't put up with any more of this "guilty feeling decision making" that your husband lays on you. STOP THAT NOW!!

 

Hun, you decide and then tell him it's the way it is going to be for you. Then tell him that if he can't deal with it that way, then he needs to move on and deal with it his own way.

 

Give your husband a dose of reality and quit playing this game you have got yourself into.

 

Your not trapped.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sadly, you are the type of couple that most of us would avoid at the clubs. Your husband brings you only as his "ticket" in the door, then he uses you to help him get laid with no concern for your feelings. He's a jerk.

 

I would say that at the very least marriage counseling would definitely be encouraged. But, I'm not sure that anything will help. I hate to say that. Perhaps if you really want to hold onto him you can let him go and play on his own without your having to be there and be forced to do things you aren't comfortable with.

 

However, personally I think you'd be better off without him.

[rdante 15]

we are new to this lifestyle and we are talking about these kinds of issues..her apprehension versus my eagerness to move forward.

 

In one conversation she asked, "If I find out this lifestyle is not for me, is this a deal-breaker for you?"

 

That question gave me pause, I thought about our history together, our shared experiences, and our future goals. The directness of that question revealed the plain truth of our situation. And that is where you need to get to..the plain truth. The bottom line. Then draw that line in the sand.

 

Because truly, you can not allow him to browbeat and manipulate you, or abuse you mentally. That isn't a relationship that can sustain itself for long.

 

If he loves you, he will say no, it's not a deal breaker and your communication will improve greatly...AND you may be able to walk down the path he loves, slowly, alongside each other...and let the culture work its magic on you both.

 

If he says, yes, it is a deal breaker, then he has made his decision...start packing. He is offering you all or nothing and you should choose nothing: nothing to do with him.

 

Just my newbie view...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Abusive people are often the nicest people ... in public. Your husband is abusing you, plain and simple. He's dragged you into something you don't want and is using you as his ticket to swing. He was not honest with you before you got married about his intentions. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve much better.

 

I would have given up swinging and even this site if I needed to to be with my husband.