How common are monogamous couples at swinger clubs

[pdxwestsideguy 15]

My SO and I recently started attending events at a local club in Portland. We love the energy of the place, "We" have a blast but don't engage in anything more than stroking or kissing with other people and are both happy with that boundary. How common is that? Are we being rude? She is beautiful and fun to watch so at least we give a little back...

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

If you are talking about swinger socials, I would say it is pretty rare to run into monogamous couples, but not unheard of. However, I am sure there are clubs that have a fair percentage of non-swingers that are their just to be part of the scene and have no interest in the lifestyle.

 

But it sounds like you are somewhere between that and soft swap.

 

The are certainly soft swap couples that I would not put into the monogamous category, even though they do not have intercourse with anyone other than their spouse. Most I have met usually engage in oral sex, but nothing more.

 

I have not met anyone at a social that participates at the level you are talking about. I guess it would be a really soft swap, or super soft? Maybe you can start a new category, say "fluffy" swap. Lol.

 

What ever your interest though, if you are patient and keep looking you will likely find someone that has the same interest. But the further away from the center you get the more time and effort it will take. It is also important that you are clear with your boundaries upfront so you do not unintentionally mislead anyone.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I don't think it's very common based on our experiences, but YMMV.

 

Are we being rude?

It isn't rude as long as you follow what Coupleerotic22 said:

 

It is also important that you are clear with your boundaries upfront so you do not unintentionally mislead anyone.

 

Good luck!

[pdxwestsideguy 15]

Thanks for the responses all! While I am very new to this, my SO has experience with the lifestyle in the past. I don't know if she is introducing me slowly to this or if she is truly happy where we are at (she is awesome!). I have asked this question many times in many different ways but always the same answer, "no, I don't want to involve anybody else".

 

We do go the the couples room, have played in the same space with others, talked, watched and were watched by the other couples. She is really good at setting boundaries with others, so far, its working well and we have a great time.

 

But it does sound like we are in the small minority!

[celtic239 297]

You're not in the "minority" so long as your goal is to have sexually charged fun. While there are different types of activities involved with swinging there is no graduate degree or doctorate awarded for a full swap. Go with what makes you feel good in your own skin and don't worry about what others may think. If you and your SO are turned on by having sex between yourselves but in front of others then enjoy that to the fullest. the only caveat is to be upfront with other couples as to your boundaries.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I think there are always a few monogamous couples at clubs that are voyeurs and are only there for the thrill of having sex in front of others.

 

We kiss a lot of people and don't have sex with them. We dance, grind and rarely sleep with them that night (socials, not on premise) but the difference between us and you is we often want to sleep with them but there are always factors that get in the way.

 

Just make sure you are doing what the others say and not misleading them.

[T-Rex 148]

Baby steps are a way to get used to the lifestyle and go at your own speed. Some people jump in head first (take that however you wish), many others go very slowly. We were certainly in the latter catagory. At any given time it wasn't clear whether we would ever be going any further...and that was fine. We went to clubs for a long time and only played by ourselves. We weren't ready for anything else. Then things changed and full swap became enjoyable for us...but we still had tabus. We thought we would only do full swap in the same room, then that seemed like an artificial barrier and we occasionally ignore it. We thought that we would only do full swap with other couples, then "something came up" (!) at a party and I encouraged Mrs. Rex enjoy some private 1 v. 1 with one of the guys and another barrier fell.

 

Go with whatever your comfort level is and don't overthink it...just know that your comfort level may change one way or another over time and what was once something way out there becomes something very natural.

[little firefly 64]

Although it's not common, it's definitely not unheard of. Being monogamous myself (my SO has a hall pass for play), I tend to spend most of my time at the club we attend just talking to people, and every so often I'll run across a monogamous couple who are just there to enjoy the sexually charged atmosphere, including one couple who have been regular attendees since the club's inception 20 years ago. I totally agree with what others have said about making it known up front. It saves a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.

[T-Rex 148]

I think how common or uncommon it is may also depend on the club. For example, it may be more common in large clubs that have lots of first-timers or clubs that have vacationers, such as Trapeze in Ft. Lauderdale or Colette in New Orleans. It may be less common at clubs that have smaller memberships, and that are more local in nature.

[pdxwestsideguy 15]

Thanks all for the feedback. The place we go, Club Sesso in Portland is pretty big I guess, between 200 and 300 folks on normal weekends and some events like New Years Eve have 600 or 700. I see many couples who I thought were just there for each other but now that I think about it, they have probably hooked up. We are pretty up front with folks and so far, we don't seem to have aggravated anyone... at least I hope.

 

We will take your advice to heart and make sure we don't mislead. Thanks again for the info!

[hughb 45]

It's all about you! Don't be rude or mean, but do whatever turns you two on. We've had a blast at Sesso and nearly always stick exclusively with each other. Some of us just enjoy the flirty sexy vibe and the "potential."

 

Hope to see you Saturday night.

[shrevecouple 252]

That is all we have ever done at the clubs is be with each other. I like getting in the hot tub. LOL

[Chicup 41]

Ugh....

 

Speaking as someone who always runs into monogamous couples at clubs who are there just to 'feel sexy' for the love of god TELL other people that from the start!

[shrevecouple 252]

Wouldn't it be a a little presumptuous to assume anyone that walked up to us or sparked a conversation with us wants to fuck us, even at a swinger club? I agree monogomous couples don't need to lead anyone on but you can usually tell if that is where the other people are headed. I can just see us when another couple walks up and says "Hi, how ya doing?" and we immediately say. "We won't fuck you" Hahaha

[lovinher 505]

A local club had a voyeurs only night. Didn't work out too well.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Wouldn't it be a a little presumptuous to assume anyone that walked up to us or sparked a conversation with us wants to fuck us, even at a swinger club?

 

Yes it would, in my book anyway. I think it would be safe to say that a vast majority of people you speak to on any given night probably don't want to have sex with you. Doesn't mean they might not enjoy socializing with you though.

 

I agree monogomous couples don't need to lead anyone on but you can usually tell if that is where the other people are headed.

 

Ditto. When it's apparent that's the direction things are going, the couple not interested in playing needs to make their intentions known, whether it is because they are monogamous, or whether they are just not interested.

 

Sometimes I wonder if these situations are less of a speaking problem, and more of a listening problem. We all are prone to not hear what we don't want to hear. Make those cues non-verbal, as they often are in these situations, at least initially, and we really start to ignore them.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Wouldn't it be a a little presumptuous to assume anyone that walked up to us or sparked a conversation with us wants to fuck us, even at a swinger club?

 

Couple A: How are you two this evening. Are these seats taken?

Couple B: We are great, no they are not taken, have a seat.

Couple A: Thanks! Oh, by the way, we know this is a swingers club, but we have absolutely no interest in having sex with you guys, we don't swing, we just thought we could share some good conversation.

Couple B: No problem, even though we are swingers we don't come to swingers club to meet people that we might want to have sex with anyway. Who does that, really?

 

In a swingers club it is entirely reasonable to assume that the some portion (probably the majority) of people are swingers and are looking to find others of like mind to hook up with, either that night or at some later date.

 

If a couple walks up to you and starts a conversation with you, it is reasonable to assume there is some interest on their part to at least get to know you better and see if there may be some chemistry. They have most likely talked to each other about you and decided there was enough interest to talk you and find out if there is chemistry and interest on your part. How often do you say "hey honey, I have no interest in that couple over there, lets go get to know them better," at a swing club?

 

I would agree that it is presumptuous to think that because a couple approaches you that they are ready to fuck you, but there is likely some interest on their part if they are approaching you at all.

 

And it certainly is presumptuous to think someone wants to fuck you if you approach them first.

 

We have never approached anyone, be it by web site, social or club, that we looked at and decided we had no interest in fucking. That is not to say we have not had conversations and made friends with people we had no initial interest in, but usually it is a case that we were introduced to them by someone else, they introduced themselves or something innocuous like striking up a conversation while waiting at the bar next to each other.

 

I agree monogomous couples don't need to lead anyone on but you can usually tell if that is where the other people are headed. I can just see us when another couple walks up and says "Hi, how ya doing?" and we immediately say. "We won't fuck you" Hahaha

 

In my experience people misread others far more often then they read them correctly, both in and out of the lifestyle.

 

And the art of conversation can quickly get the details out there so people can react accordingly. For example the OP could say something like this early in the conversation.

 

"How long have you two been in the lifestyle? Really!?! We have are fairly new to this. Are you full swap? Sounds fun, we are not at that point yet. We have decided, for now at least, we're going to stick to voyeurism and exhibitionism and not swap at all. Is that something you two might be comfortable with?"

 

Short, sweet, courteous, gets the cards on the table, finds out if the other couple might play in their sandbox, and it gives the other couple the option of having a conversation or to move on and spend their time looking for playmates.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

>>>>

 

Concur with every point made in the post. It only took one experience with a couple not informing us that they were only in it for the sexy atmosphere until after a good part of the evening was gone. We get it on the table fairly quickly now, and pretty much like you described in the scenario at the end of your post.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

If a couple walks up to you and starts a conversation with you, it is reasonable to assume there is some interest on their part to at least get to know you better and see if there may be some chemistry.

 

Good points throughout this post, and the quote above highlights the importance of situational awareness, and how the circumstances should play a large role in how you react. I'm a big believer in life goes much more smoothly if you just pay attention to what is going on around you.

 

My previous thoughts were coming from the perspective that if you kept count, the majority of people you interact with are probably casual encounters - waiting in line to get in the door, at adjacent tables, you are next to them at the bar, the Mrs. likes someone's outfit and stops to to compliment her on it, and so on. For those casual interactions, really no need to presume anything just yet even if the conversation gets past the "how's it going?" nicety and moves into other small talk.

 

On the other hand, if you see a couple head your way from across the room, then as has been pointed out this is a swing club after all, and that is not by chance. In those cases, you should get your cards on the table sooner rather than later.

 

We use the "how long have you been in the lifestyle" too, usually almost right off the bat since it kills two birds with one stone - not only is it a common point of interest to help start a conversation with strangers, it also lets you know where everyone is coming from.

[fresnocouple 82]

Not speaking from any experience here-- our lone "dip in the pool" was at Sea Mountain where we kept to ourselves (hope to change that next trip though)-- but it seems presumptuous to speak to anyone, regardless of the setting, and "expect" some particular conduct. It also seems to oversimplify things, and people, to ask them to behave in a certain way.

 

Again, not speaking from experience, but it seems there are as many varieties in the "lifestyle" as colors in a box of crayons. It seems you can coordinate the colors, so to speak, by not pressing and going with the flow.

 

In our case, our boundaries are something in the soft to very soft realm (no need to give details). With that said, we are even then not looking for immediate and random encounters. In fact, part of our quest is to find a like minded couple we can have fun with on multiple levels (we literally have no couple friends in our since "transplanted in" home town). Given that, those who push the "let's get down to business immediately" MO are probably not a good fit for us. In the end, it should all work out in the wash.

 

Of course, those who enjoy full swap and any other variants, I say "rock on." You are doing what pleases you. It would seem if you are not pleasing yourself and working within your limits, there is no point.

 

So in the end, if we've learned anything from what we have read, is just have fun and treat this whole experience as a journey, not a pre-defined destination.

 

My two cents and that may be overvaluing my opinion!!!

[Playful1 434]

I don't see this much, if ever. When I do, it usually is some young hot couple that is looking down on everyone else/hasn't talked to anyone else the whole night.

 

I don't care if someone is fun to watch. I'm there to participate, not watch.

 

It's not rude, as long as you don't mislead anyone into thinking you will do anything more with them. Is it the norm? No.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We have our own code name for monogamous couples at swing clubs. We fondly call them Librarians.

 

I seem to always try to pick them up. I think part of it is that they seem very confident and happy and totally in love. For me that is a very attractive look! The first couple like this I tried to pick up were just so cute and kind of nerdy. The girl looked like a hot librarian and the guy looked like I imagine the Time Traveler (from the book Time Traveler's Wife, also a librarian).