Dealing with age gap

[alabamafuntonig 20]

Ok guys a little help!

 

I and Mrs. Bama have a get-together date at our home tonight with a couple we have met online.

 

After several months we are finally going to sit back have a few drinks play some cards and have a great time (Henry crosses fingers).

 

So what’s the problem?

 

Well the other women, she is just 28 and her hubby is 45. The women’s age is very close to both of us so no problem, it’s the hubby. He is a tad older than the age group we usually hang with.

 

Are there any suggestions from the elders of the board on what to avoid conversations about? And maybe what I could strike up conversation about... This gentleman is very sweet and his wife is too, I just want to have him fit in without making him feel uncomfortable.

[Perseus 16]

Ummm Politics and religion? Always good topics to avoid. Oh, and no Geritol jokes.... hehe J/k

 

Really though, I am sure you probably don't have to worry though. Just don't get into a three-way conversation about something that wouldn't be in his generation (uhhh like grunge music) and make him feel left him out because he doesn't have a frame of reference to join in.

 

[naughty A 23]

IRA's? and retirement homes?

 

kidding

 

seriously... he's married to a 28 yr old... if she knows/likes grunge music... he will at least know what it is...

 

I wouldn't worry about it but I would avoid conversations that include "Oh my G*d you remind me so much of my DAD!" or you drive the same car as my parents or... get it...?

 

relax... while it is often easier to interact with people closer to your own age... their own age gap will probably make it easier for them to interact with YOU.

 

Have fun...

[M&B 21]

Forget his age and forget yours. I am willing to bet that he is going to enjoy your company.

 

I may have a few years on some. Other have some on me. I never forget one thing: I'm just a guy.

[OhioCouple 40]

Quote

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

This gentleman is very sweet and his wife is too, I just want to have him fit in without making him feel uncomfortable.

I think you have pretty much answered your own question here. If you have already found that you like this couple, you've obviously spent some time talking with them and getting to know them. What have you talked with them about previously in order to come to that conclusion? Obviously they are as attracted to you as you are to them as they are coming to meet with you. Just relax and go with the flow of conversation, it will naturally lead you to comfortable topics. My hubby is 58 years old and can talk about darn near every subject in the world with anyone. (Well, he might not know who Eminem is though.) Don't let the age gap be a difference in how you respond or treat him.

 

Oh, I guess I do have one suggestion. When they ring the doorbell, don't open up the door with a drop jawed look and say something like "Good lord all mighty, are you sure you are only 45?" "Or how did an old man like you snare this fox?" That may not set a good tone for the rest of the evening.

[M&B 21]

Quote

Originally posted by OhioCouple

Oh, I guess I do have one suggestion. When they ring the doorbell, don't open up the door with a drop jawed look and say something like "Good lord all mighty, are you sure you are only 45?" "Or how did an old man like you snare this fox?" That may not set a good tone for the rest of the evening.

 

Is that a bad thing to ask??? Should I have been offended?

[alabamafuntonig 20]

M&B

 

Thanks I'M sure we will do fine but I still want to be able to not make a fool of myself if I can avoid it.

 

Mrs. O

 

We talk a lot about computers and politics world events. As far as all 4 of us some of the subjects don’t fit into a group discussion so to speak. I just don’t want to make a assumption that he don’t understand or that he would not be comfy with some discussions ….oh I'm still confusing aren’t I?

 

p.s.

So asking him to buy the beer because he can get the aarp discount is out of line?

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

p.s.

So asking him to buy the beer because he can get the aarp discount is out of line.

See Bama, now your age is showing. Mr. "New Friend" is five years away from being eligible for the AARP discount. Definitely a mistake to ask that question.

 

Seriously, make an effort to alternate discussing things that interest each of you. Often time my guy and the other guy or girl go off in conversations that I have no interest in or no knowledge about and it doesn't bother me in the least. It is simply interaction. A few times I have actually learned to pick up an interest in something because I am hearing it from a different point of view and that in turn brings an interest to me.

 

I am still not gonna take an interest in hunting, fishing or golf. I find that is a good time to take a mental nap. But, they can talk about it all they want, that is until I turn the conversation to sex! Which they usually lose interest in their topic and wanna fool around.

[wrnakedru 38]

On the one hand, I do think it is considerate of you to think about being "good hosts".

 

And the rewards for your consideration are above and beyond what most "hosts" are seeking, so the topic is certainly worthy of concern.

But the flip side of the coin is that you have already in your mind "isolated" the gentleman by feeling you need to consider him in any manner varying from the norm.

 

I have been in and around the lifestyle for a good number of years. Long enough to remember having made some remarks along the way [to folks I really liked and admired, both male and female] that I am now embarrassed recollecting the remarks. I meant them as compliments, praise, even flattery. I now recognize just how patronizing the so-called compliments must have sounded to those I had bestowed them upon.

The proper "turn of a phrase" CAN make all the difference in the world though, it's just a matter of taking the time [as you are wanting to do] to think before you speak.

 

I am old enough that we frequently get emails saying "Do you like younger guys? I LOVE older women!"

 

Here's the deal: I recognize that the email is meant as to be a compliment. But hey, I can read the ages - I see he's younger, I know I'm older - so the isolation of that fact alone is not necessary.

 

What would really come across as a compliment? An email that said something along the lines of "I am weary of the lack of depth evident in most GIRLS and seek the far more sensual advantage of being with a WOMAN."

 

Both emails mean the same thing, but which do you think has a higher chance to be answered?

 

I am NOT however suggesting you spend the day constructing the correct turnings of every phrase and memorizing them.

 

You have already gone through the process of contact, and agreed upon mutual attraction. He is aware of the "numbers" as well. If it were a negative feature, I don't believe he'd be married to someone of "your age group".

 

The evenings success is NOT going to hinge on where was everyone when man first walked on the moon, or who was alive when Kennedy was shot?

 

Relax! Accept the guy, appreciate who he is [without mentally stamping a number on his forehead] and go with the flow. He'll know how to deal with it quite easily, or he wouldn't be where he is. You have things in common, use them as your foundation.

 

If he needs a glass of prune juice, he'll ask for it!

[alabamafuntonig 20]

So I was worried last night about meeting the couple that the man was older than us right? Well let me tell you that’s not all I had to worry about!

 

Not only was he older than he said he was, his wife was younger than she said she was, it was not by much a few years here a few years there. (As they jokingly said to us with a straight face at my kitchen table). I and Mrs. Bama almost dropped dead there was 25 years between them. That not being the major problem. After 2 hours with them we started doing the math in our head (on their 8 year old child they have together). Let's see:

 

The couple’s wife just turned 26 he is 51

 

26-8.5 (kid) = 17.5 (age of wife at her child birth)

Take in mind it takes 9 months to have a baby on average

17.5 -9 months= 16.9 or so (wife's age at conception)

That means he got her pregnant at 16 (wife still a minor) when he was 41(hubby)

 

Oh my, what the hell do I do. Oh yeah, and they are married only 2 years, he had to wait for his divorce to finalize before they could get married.

[wrnakedru 38]

I think you deserve big points if you didn't ask the guy "So, was it a big problem avoiding that statutory rape charge?"

 

Guessing that we don't need to bother asking your Mrs. if the guy was fun in the sack!

[alabamafuntonig 20]

Nope we did not even go there! Kept it cordial and felt a little for the wife. How can I say this without anyone taking offense to it...she was a little naive.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Well if all else fails, get naked and give him a BJ. Probably won't be able to say anything wrong then!!! And you definitely won't have to carry the conversation.

[OhioCouple 40]

Doesn't it just yank your chain when people mis-represent themselves. I'd have to say that I would most definitely taken issue with that situation myself. I don't know how cordial I could have been. I think they would have seen a real early night.

 

I'd have been VERY tempted to ask wrnakedru's question. I don't think even my hubby could have stopped me.

[alabamafuntonig 20]

We bit our tongues. I really felt bad for the wife...and my wife felt bad too. She was a nice girl but taken advantage of at such a early age. We called it quits very early.

[naughty A 23]

wow... that's terrible, all around. And shame on them for misrepresenting themselves.

 

I can bet things were a bit frosty...

 

too bad.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Are you sure that the kid is THEIRS together and not that she had him/her prior to when they actually met/got together?

 

I think the lying about age is enough of a reason not to see them again tho... even if it was just a few years. What's the point in lying if it's only a few years here or there, unless there is something more to it.

[alabamafuntonig 20]

Julie, their kid is their's! I spent 3 months thinking he was a certain age and his wife was a certain age. You know it ticks me off! If you are 50 tell me you are 50 not 46. If your wife is 26 tell me she is 26 not 28. They even lied about the town they lived in, it was 20 miles further than what they said. Now I can't trust anything he says. It was a good conversation every day with him up until this, now I can't stand to get an email from him.

[wrnakedru 38]

Next time the less than appealing guy ambushes you on line, and seems to be pushing for the next round with him and his little lady - you could try some things that might at least amuse YOU.

 

Have a feeling his skull is too thick and brain too small for subtlety, though.

 

Idea #1 - Tell him that you and Mrs. Bama are chillin' for a bit until the reports from the lab get back. (drop it there, or add "Doc says it COULD be as simple as a yeast infection..............."and just trail off there!)

 

Idea #2 - Tell him you and Mrs. Bama have been wondering if he had same lawyer on retainer all those years? You speculate how one lawyer could be sharp enough to beat a statutory rape charge and yet ineffectual enough to drag a divorce out for 6.5 years?

 

Idea #3 - Tell him you and Mrs. Bama do have some ongoing questions you are really curious about the answers to - like was the now-wife a baby-sitter for him and former wife? Was she maybe best friend to his daughter from the former marriage? Or had this been a threesome thing with former and present wife and him? And you and Mrs. Bama have heard some folks even go in for that family fun thing - you'd always thought that was pretty sick, but it did seem they had been a perfect setup for it?

 

And that in closing, although you really did wonder what the whole truth might be - neither one of you felt that was a good enough reason to see them again, since you didn't feel the truth was something you could ever count on hearing from him

 

I guess it just depends on how thick his hide is, how pushy he is, and how much you want to amuse yourself. Truly don't believe any of the normal, straight, or lifestyle rules of courtesy really apply to this guy.

 

But if you're the guy I think you are - like most of us, it is just not in you to be that flagrantly in someone's face. (Unless he REALLY pushes it - then GO FOR IT!)()()

[sportync 20]

When I met Mrs. Sporty she was 17 and I was 17 years older at 34. That was almost 25 years ago and we continue to grow closer as time goes on. We've met with some problems along the way, but never has the age difference been one of them. We've always been able to communicate with each other about everything, and treat each other with the utmost respect. She has always preferred guys a bit older than she, and I guess I've always preferred ladies younger then my own peers, so things have worked out well for us so far.

 

I do believe in honesty, though, so if someone lies about the little things(a year or two), then it seems to me that they will lie about important things as well. I just don't like being lied to about anything. If you can't tell the truth, then don't waste my time with your lies. That, to me is the real issue here, not how much older this guy is. There's no age limit on trust, honesty and freely sharing your real thoughts and feelings.

 

And don't think for a minute that us "old farts" can't cut the mustard. The first time we were with another couple for same room soft-swing, the other guy just stopped doing his wife and sat there watching me and Mrs. Sporty going at it, obviously impressed with the agility and stamina of this "old fart"! He even commented to his wife about it, so don't put us old stallions out to pasture before you're sure that we've ridden our last ride!

[M&B 21]

Admiration for wrnakedru has reached an all time high.

 

Brilliance can be too flashy. Subtle brilliance shines brighter in my eyes, and casts less of a shadow.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

I'm afraid some of you are being naive about this situation with the older man and younger woman. The fact is that, particularly in some parts of the country (such as the Deep South, which includes Alabama), an older man marrying himself some sweet young thing is not that unusual. And no matter where you live, north, south, east or west, you all have come across this sort of thing at one time or another, albeit perhaps a bit more rarely.

 

May-December (as they used to be called) marriages are not as common as they used to be, but they do still happen. I'm 49, and when I was still single I had my share of young twentysomething gals hitting on me, and I even let a few catch me (which is how I came to set "Bear's Rule of Life #1", which is "don't be caught dead with anyone under the age of 35"). Fact is there are some young women out there who like older men, just as there are older men who like younger women. Does this mean I approve? See "Bear's Rule of Life #1" for your answer. But as long as it's legal (and no, I'm not referring to these idiotic "sodomy laws" and such) and "consensual", I don't get too torqued about what other people do in this regard.

 

Which brings up the point of "statutory rape"; I assume this phrase was used tongue-in-cheek, but the fact is that the age of consent in Alabama is sixteen (as it is in 32 other states), hence she was not a "minor", at least where sex is concerned, in the eyes of the law. So assuming the age calculations are correct, and her kid really is his, then it was perfectly legal for her to spread her legs for this guy and for him to give her the high hard one, however much we may look askance at a 41 year old boffing a 16 year old, let alone knocking her up.

 

As for the lying about their ages (and where they live; I don't know what to make of that last, because I can't see what difference 20 extra miles would make, unless they live 20 miles farther away than some ironclad distance limitation you might have), while I don't approve of lying about age, it happens a lot, especially in this arena, and especially with older people. There are so many people in swinging who have hangups about age, particularly younger looking at older (look at how this thread got started). Many are the times I've come across both singles and couples who had fudged their ages by a few years because they were afraid that they would be discounted on that score, and most of the time they would be right. Bunny and I met a very nice couple last weekend, and initially they stated their ages as him 53 and her 58. During the course of the evening she admitted that she was in fact 61.

 

Some people would have gotten their panties in a wad over this bit of misdirection, but we did not. For one thing, we understood it in a way that most younger people could not, and for another, she damn sure did not look her age. Bunny and I understand that if the chemistry is there, age is irrelevant, especially where people close to our own ages (where our preferences lie) are concerned. Now, had she said she was 41 instead of 58, that would have been stretching things too far, and it's really dumb to do that (she is not dumb), because the first time you meet the person, the truth will come out. However, this lady could pass for 48 easily, let alone 58, so it was not an issue for us.

 

A question for the Bamas; would you have known they lied about their ages if they had not admitted it to you?

 

Setting aside the issue of when he fathered the girl's child and how you feel about that (and given that it was a legal coupling, like it or not, it's really none of your business), do you think that their lying about their ages was meant to be malicious or hurtful to you? I'm assuming that you already knew what they both looked like, and considered them to be acceptable as potential bed partners, or you would not have invited them into your home. I think you can see where this is leading.

 

Boys and girls, I hate to break it to you, but EVERYBODY lies. In human interaction, a certain amount of lying is an absolute necessity. Example; we have all rejected another couple or individual at one time or another because we were not attracted to them, or they had some characteristic that just "didn't do it" for us. Now, when this happened, did you tell that person or couple the truth? Unless you are just the consummate boor, hell no. That would be cruel. The nice thing to do, the kind thing to do, is come up with some "white lie" to cover why you don't want to pursue things, and move on.

 

So, there are white lies and malicious lies, and we all know that sometimes white lies are necessary to smooth over those little bumps in the road of life. The trick is to differentiate the two.

 

The question you have to ask yourselves is, once again, do you think this couple was trying to pull something over on you, or were they simply trying to improve their chances of being accepted by you (albeit in a very clumsy way which ended up failing anyway)?

 

Nobody likes being lied to, even when it's necessary. But it does happen, and we've all done it, especially in the context of this lifestyle, and it's naive in the extreme to think otherwise. As long as the lie was not an attempt to scam you, or to otherwise be hurtful (and so far, I've read nothing here that makes me think it was in this case), I would suggest not getting in quite so much of a twist over it.

 

Bear

[dreamers 15]

Bear,

Awesome reply! You are right, I do believe everyone lies about something, weight height age... always seems to be something.

 

As for the age thing, we have no real preferences, what we desire is compatibility with the other couple regardless of age and a spark....any age is fine as long as we feel something for them and they are honest on the dd thing.....the fact that the girl was maybe 16 and pregnant...well so was i once...just not to an older man....Maybe it's just personal preference to be with some one that much older whose to say...but it's really none of my business. lol

[alabamafuntonig 20]

I was not so much mad at the tiny lies, it was the tiny lies that were everywhere. Ok, so in Alabama a girl can have sex at 16...he's not a statutory rapist. Still gives me the willies that he lied, and did so for 3 months.

 

As far as knowing the difference between 3-4 years no I would not have, but he also said d+d free. I wonder if he was its just a small lie right?

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Quote

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

I was not so much mad at the tiny lies, it was the tiny lies that were everywhere. Ok, so in Alabama a girl can have sex at 16...he's not a statutory rapist. Still gives me the willies that he lied, and did so for 3 months.

 

As far as knowing the difference between 3-4 years no I would not have, but he also said d+d free. I wonder if he was its just a small lie right?

 

Lied about what? Their ages and where they lived? (I'm still unclear on what difference 20 miles makes. But then, I live in Texas, where an extra 20 miles here or there does not mean a whole lot... What else did they lie about?

 

This goes back to what I said before; everybody lies, especially in swinging, at one time or another, and were the lies malicious or not?

 

But that is a judgement only you can make. At the end of the day, just follow your gut instincts.

 

Bear

[alabamafuntonig 20]

Sure, everyone tells white lies from time to time. I do not make a point of telling lies every time I open my mouth. I guess it is a character thing. 20 miles means a lot when you want to travel less than 45 minutes away from your kids. Not 1 hour plus. Some things are important to me and mrs bama.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Quote

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

Sure, everyone tells white lies from time to time. I do not make a point of telling lies every time I open my mouth. I guess it is a character thing. 20 miles means a lot when you want to travel less than 45 minutes away from your kids. Not 1 hour plus. Some things are important to me and mrs bama.

 

It appears you still don't get it regarding the white vs not-so-white lies issue, but that's OK. I'm sure a man of character such as yourself will figure it out eventually.

 

As for the distance limitation, I don't know how you met this couple, or routinely meet any other couple, but assuming you have a profile out there somewhere (such as on swinglifestyle.com, etc), I would make sure that in it you spell out in no uncertain terms that you and the Mrs. are not interested in meeting anyone who lives more than x miles away from you, so that you will not be too far from your children. This assumes you have not already done so. Likewise in any other venue (club, party, chat room, etc) where you might meet a potential play couple, be sure you do the same. I would emphasize this because, as you may have noticed, some people can be, um, dense about some things...

 

Bear

[alabamafuntonig 20]

good point bear. We do not advertise as such but do make it a point not to respond to people that are too far away. As far as the white lies, this is one of those 50/50 debate we could debate for hours on the do and dont's of white lies. You are right on your point everyone does. Some things just grab me strange when you lie right off the bat to someone you know about such trivial things.