What to do when your partner says to you you are not a swinger?

[BrazilianBabe 15]

Hi guys, I'm new here in the boards, but not in the lifestyle.

 

Before anything, I want to tell you guys my back history in swinging:

I actually always been kinda sexually crazy, when I was only 18 years old, with friends back in Brazil, we went to have a party, but everybody ended up kinda drunk and having sex with everybody, so I think this was my first time swinging, because most of my friends were in couples.

 

When I was 20 years old, I met the man I love, live with and swing. I am now almost 23 years old and I love swinging.

 

But even when my body and my estate of mind show how excited I get when we have friends at home, when me and my husband get into an argument, sometimes he says something really hurtful to me. He sometimes shout at me that I am not a swinger. Doesn't matter what we are discussing if is something related to sex.

 

Last time we had an argument and he said that to me was because I feel left behind when me and him have sex and I remember how nice he treats other women. He kisses their bodies and give them some head. He says he doesn't like doing it. He does it in every different position with them, while when we have sex alone, it's like he ask me ti put the vibrator to get we so he can go inside of me.

 

Am I not a swinger when I ask him to give me the same sexual attention he gives to other women bodies? Look, I don't have any problem with it, I just want the same. I feel so unattractive right now because of it, I don't have any odor in my pussy and I take care of my appearance, but he not spending enough time in my body is really bringing me down. He says because of my low selfsteem I am destroying our relationship because I create bullshit

 

I really miss some oral action down there, and every time I ask he says something. He already said so many hurtful things, like oral sex is only important to me because he did to someone else, when the truth is I like, makes me feel desired. I shown him last night a post from someone else here living quite a similar situation with her boyfriend to him because I was hoping if some real swingers opinion would put some light in his head and he used this now against me to say that when I was sick and stuff was coming out of my vagina grossed him out. It was 2 months ago. I went to the doctor and she fixed it, I don't have anything like that anymore. I even proposed him this morning to put some medicine to help him get over what he saw.

 

Other thing that makes he says to me that I am not a swinger is when he spend weeks working and finally feel the need to have sex, he comes to me and ask me to find some friends. What about me? I've been waiting him to have sex with me for weeks and the first thing I hear is he needs to get some strange. I feel like I am not important, just a toy to him to get some strange...

 

Please, anyone, help me understand this, because inside of me, I am a swinger, I love it so much and every time he says I am not a swinger, breaks me heart, and every time he doesn't give me any sexual attention destroys me selfsteem.

 

Sorry for the very long post, I am just too crushed and depressed. Its like I am losing the meaning to live because of this. I am the type of person who loves to feel desired, attractive, seductive and any attempt to seduce him is just making me more and more frustrated because just doesn't work and I have to hear I am not a swinger.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your partner. Unfortunately from what you've told us, it sounds like you and he do not have good sexual compatibility and he is not interested in trying to make things better. Him telling you you're not a swinger means nothing. The issue is he is not interested in sharing intimacy or giving you pleasure. I think you need to seriously consider the pros and cons of your relationship. You are young and sexually open. There are many men looking for a woman like you and they will treat you the way you should be.

[BrazilianBabe 15]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your partner. Unfortunately from what you've told us, it sounds like you and he do not have good sexual compatibility and he is not interested in trying to make things better. Him telling you you're not a swinger means nothing. The issue is he is not interested in sharing intimacy or giving you pleasure. I think you need to seriously consider the pros and cons of your relationship. You are young and sexually open. There are many men looking for a woman like you and they will treat you the way you should be.

 

You just pointed how I feel. There is no intimacy. Before, the first couple of months and when we were starting to swing together, we used to have way more intimacy. Now, when our friends leave our home, he just go sleep.

 

He said this morning that he would try to change because he knows how important it is to me. He then asks me if I still loving him, of course I do, but I need sex. It reminds me from yesterday he saying I was shallow because I was basing our relationship on someone licking me, when I answered him that is not "someone", but the person I love, and is not just licking me, but is someone making me feel desired. If is for this reason, what about him, first thing he asked me was if I could handle swinging(and other exes, because I've spoken with some and he says to me too), so he also basis his relationships in sex, because the first thing he looks in someone is the capability of swinging.

 

Every time I say something, he uses it against me, I got so scared when he said that I complain because he did to someone else, like I was jealous. He really takes seriously jealousy.

 

Like I said, this is affecting me really bad. I don't know if I can believe in his words since I am waiting for changes since the beginning of 2011. He is now all apologetic, asking for a time to fix the issue, it breaks my heart even more. Also I've started to really not liking to look at mirrors anymore, I get worried with silly things like even how my genitals look like, I know I shouldn't say things like this here, but I am deeply depressed since swinging is also part of who I am. This place should be to share good experiences, but I don't have with who to vent about it, and I just can't hold it inside of me anymore.

 

I don't have friends in real life to vent about this, and my therapist ignores me when I write emails asking for help. I can't make friends too. It's another issue I have with him. Every time appears an opportunity to make friends with someone - specially if is a woman, no matter her age or appearance - he gets so sexually aggressive that even yells at me to have sex with her. And he asks for threesomes, which he knows I really feel uncomfortable, by the fact that we already don't have intimacy and then he gets all lovely with single women in front of me. I know it is sounding like jealousy, and he thinks I don't like threesomes because I feel threaten, when the truth is, I would give him if he gave me the same he gives to others. Am I asking too much?

 

He even broke up twice with me because of threesomes with women.

He made my life hell because of this, he wanted to live with two women because he did it years ago, even going into his facebook and asking all his ex girlfriends and fuck buddies to go live with us in our condo in Mexico even when he knew that was hurting me. When I was going back to Brazil, because he decided, he asked me to give him head and have sex while he was thinking if someday I come back to him, I would bring someone to live with us.

 

In the end, I just gave up on make friends that he might gonna meet someday in person.

 

He apologized about that too, saying as a man he has the need to fuck everybody, in other words, will I have to have sex with all my friends and he never gets this excited to have sex with me?

 

I mean, I've been dealing with a lot of crazy things, makes me wonder if other men in swinging are like this too? So demanding and not respectful with their wives feelings. We are not really married, but I don't care, I just don't want to be called not a swinger anymore and have intimacy.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Whether or not your married relationship is healthy should be your question; the question should not be whether or not you are a swinger. My advice is that you work at finding the real reason for his reluctance to make love to you in a way that reflects true love and genuine affection.

 

Wishing you happiness,

 

~Michael

[Alura 2,774]

You must tell him exactly how you feel. I think the best way to do that is on his cell phone by long-distance from Miami.

 

Alura

[BrazilianBabe 15]

He is going to travel next month back to the US.

He seemed more calm and lovely today, but still, something in me feels different. I feel very frustrated.

 

Alura, when you read your message I was like: do you know us?? I got kinda scared of answer. But thanks for it!!

 

Thanks everybody for your input!

It helped me a lot to vent

[junkyard38 21]

I do believe you already in your mind know what the outcome will be. You sound like a well grounded individual. You are lacking intimacy,love which are thee bases, of a true loving relationship. You are young enough to find another who will not take you for granted, depriving you of the essentials of bonding.

[Just Passing By 140]

The semantics of a particular word is not the issue.

 

It is generally held here , and it sounds like you feel also, that Swinging should be an extra spice on top of a strong relationship between the two of you first.

 

You describe him as having steady stream of Strange as first priority.

 

You need tohave this discussion with him in very clear terms.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This really has little to do with whether or not you are a swinger. As someone else said, it's more about the health of your relationship as a whole. He's using the "you're not a swinger" line as an attack against you to make you feel bad when you tell him how you feel. "you must not be a real swinger if you don't want to have sex with other people all the time". "you must not be a real swinger if you think that normal sex actually involves more than just get in and get out - that's just for swinger sex". That's a whole lot of bullshit.

 

You have every bit the right to desire everything in your personal relationship that he gives to others when you swing.

 

What do you say to him when he says these things? I'd say "Fuck off! Whether or not I'm a swinger has nothing to do with the conversation we are having. I want some foreplay and I don't always want to have sex with other men to get it. I want to spend time ALONE with you when you get back from being away at work. When you get back from your weeks away I want to be the first thing you think of. And if that's not going to be the case then I'm sure there's someone else out there who will happily give me all that I deserve, desire and more". That's what I'd say.

[Baconheads 432]

I would have loved to have a girl like you when I was your age. Your body should be worshipped by the man you love, more than anybody else.

 

The problem may be more who he is, rather than what he does or says.

 

You may have to ditch the dodo.

[Powerglide 235]

Why do you love a man so insensitive to your needs? That's the issue you need to work out. I would recommend finding a good counselor or therapist. I hate to tell you this, but he will not change. If you decide to stay with him, you have to realize that he is not going to become more attentive to your needs, and that he will not give you the intimacy you crave.