Married, playing single

[Guest Olddog7]

I've been married playing single for awhile. My wife doesn't know.

 

It surprises me the hatred that simple statement generates in swinger circles. I just say it up front so if it's an issue we can all move on without the drama. And drama it is. The female of the couples generally have no problem telling me what a piece of shit I am.

 

I had a mistress, also married, and would swing as a couple. We were great swingers but we had to keep our secret. When a few people found out, they were mad at her for lying and mad at me for being an asshole piece of shit cheating husband.

 

There is a double standard.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . There is a double standard.

Sorry, but you know me not at all. I apply only a single standard.

[lustylearning 705]

No, there's no double standard here. The shunning is for the cheating, not for the gender. And some will shun cheaters, while others won't. So yeah, say it up front, if you want to have any hope of avoiding the negativity. Otherwise, the deception will come back to bite you in the ass.

[Learning 160]

Swingers are swingers because our spouses are okay with it. They know what we are doing together. You are not doing it together so you are cheating on her. If she is kosher with you sleeping with others, you are a swinger. If she does not know, and you are doing it behind her back, you are cheating. Plain and simple.

 

and yes, I would be treating you like a plague because of your choice. It's sad that you are doing this without her

[Alura 2,774]

Olddog7 said:

I've been married playing single for awhile. My wife doesn't know.

 

It surprises me the hatred that simple statement generates in swinger circles.

 

I don't understand why it would surprise you. In order to swing successfully, couples must have total trust and great communication. You have neither. Worse, you choose to bring your dishonesty into our realm. Inexplicably, you think we should accept you!

 

Quote

There is a double standard.

 

There is no "double standard." Swingers, generally, are equal-opportunity snobs when cheaters are involved. It conflicts with what we hold dear.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Naah, no double standard that I know of. I sent a message out to a couple we were interested in on Swing Lifestyle. After a few exchanges the female explains that the guy she swings with is married to her best friend, but the best friend doesn't know we are a couple.

 

And just like that, our interest in them waned. Though I did thank her for being honest, there was nothing left to talk about after that.

 

Like Alura says, it goes against what we hold dear. And that last place I want to be when the scorned spouse finds out is naked with the cheater.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

There is a double standard.

 

Yes, some swinging couples do have a double standard.

Why? They're willing to compromise their ethics to get what they want.

 

Doesn't make it right. Helping someone cheat and hurt another individual is wrong, no matter the gender.

 

So, in the end, regardless of whether there is a double standard or not, you're responsible for your own actions, and even if you are fine with betraying your wife's trust, most couples won't be fine with helping you do it.

[SAVANDWIN 266]

"Yes, some swinging couples do have a double standard.

Why? They're willing to compromise their ethics to get what they want.:

 

I agree , sadly, there is a definite double standard especially if it is a women playing as a unicorn. Some people are so desperate to fulfill their fantasies by adding a 2nd women to the bedroom activities they lose all moral fiber or convince themselves it is none of their business. To each their own but WE"D SHUN you both no IF'S, AND'S, or BUT'S about it.

 

Swinging is about open honest communication between couple. You by definition are a cheater and so is she. You portrayed yourselves as a "couple" thereby lying to others and potentially dragging them into your drama. Just because you hook up with someone for the purpose of swinging does NOT make you a couple by any stretch of the imagination.

 

My condolences to your wife she deserves better than you.

Mrs Sav

[tribbles 490]

I used to think it was bad. Then I listened to some guys stories. Now, it depends on why.

 

Disabled wife? I can see her not wanting to meet everyone to say 'yeah, fuck him' but also want her hubby to find outside release. I might find I fit that if I was that disabled. It would hurt me I could not be part of it and having to give permission all the time would be salt in the wound.

 

Doing your wife and a mistress and people at parties? Drama in the making if she ever catches ya....not my cup of tea.

 

Same for those doing hubby, and guys on the side.

 

IOW: it's the LYING that I have most issue with.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I am confused by your statement.

 

Is the double standard that you think we are all cheating also?

 

Is the double standard that your mistress was just a liar and you were considered a piece of shit asshole.

 

Or is the double standard that some swingers don't have an issue with you while others do?

 

You are going to get caught. Eventually someone who knows your wife will see you and spill the beans or whatever but you will get caught. Most swingers are concerned for their own reasons about being discreet. Avoiding being dragged into your divorce on a subpoena is what we call smart. It has nothing to do with if we think you are a cheating, piece of shit asshole.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Last year we met a couple online. They failed to tell before we met that they found each other on Ashley Madison. Seems they were BOTH cheating on their respective spouses. THAT is precisely why we like to meet at a club event first. We said no thanks and went about having a nice time with other friends.

 

If we were to have met at a bar, it would have been more drama filled as we walked out. Others may wish to play with them, but we did not. This of course does NOT imply you can't find playmates, but I think your choices will be somewhat limited since true lifestyle people don't like to play with those who are going behind their spouses back.

 

Just my 2 cents worth

[lovinher 505]

https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/43112-am-i-bad-because-i-swing-without-spouse/

 

What makes you think there is a double standard?

[Dancing2Some 57]

No double standard here either. We choose not to play with "singles" that we know to be cheating. Part of it may be self preservation as we have no desire to get drawn into any kind of drama they may result when a cheating spouse is eventually outed. The other is, like someone said, we're open-minded enough to call ourselves lifestylers, and cheating just goes against everything the lifestyle is about. We just can't help but feel sad for the spouse that doesn't know, male or female.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

How is it a double standard, you were both cheating plain and simple.

[Guest sandraandalex]

It's not a ,'double standard,' and it's not , 'hate,' it's disgust. Also, a lie of omission is still a lie.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

The only double standard I can see at this point is your relationship with your wife and her's with you.

 

Unless, she plays, and YOU don't even know. Which, is usually the case.....

 

Sorry about your standards ~

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I've been married playing single for awhile. My wife doesn't know.

 

It surprises me the hatred that simple statement generates in swinger circles. I just say it up front so if it's an issue we can all move on without the drama. And drama it is. The female of the couples generally have no problem telling me what a piece of shit I am.

 

I had a mistress, also married, and would swing as a couple. We were great swingers but we had to keep our secret. When a few people found out, they were mad at her for lying and mad at me for being an asshole piece of shit cheating husband.

 

There is a double standard.

 

I am confused by your statement.

 

Since the OP has not replied I will use DigginIt's questions to form my response.

 

Is the double standard that you think we are all cheating also?

 

Cheating requires deceit or fraud. You are deceiving your wife, your partner is deceiving her husband and you are both deceiving other couples. Yes, that is cheating, not double standard since most swingers are not only honest with their partners about sex with others, they enjoy swinging together, ergo no deceit.

 

Is the double standard that your mistress was just a liar and you were considered a piece of shit asshole.

 

Most swingers I know would consider you BOTH lying piece of shit assholes, I bet those that have met the two of you feel the same, so again no double standard.

 

Or is the double standard that some swingers don't have an issue with you while others do?

 

No double standard exist between two different parties applying different standards. Now if one couple had an issue with you for cheating and not another cheating couple that would be a double standard. It is less likely it was a double standard as much as it was an excuse because they were not attracted to you and wanted an excuse. Again no, double standard.

 

Avoiding being dragged into your divorce on a subpoena is what we call smart. It has nothing to do with if we think you are a cheating, piece of shit asshole.

 

DITTO!

 

 

Read a previous post by you I find it perplexing that make some of the post you make.

 

Are you serious? My experience is that the openness and honesty of the swinger lifestyle is what draws us in. We all know each others secrets and we are more forgiving the more mundane faults that people carry.

 

Seriously? Honesty? Not on your part. FYI, telling a swinging couple you are lying to your wife is half honest, which I suppose is better than being a complete an total liar, at least the couple has foreknowledge to move on.

 

if a guy wants to suck me off, all he has to do is ask and understand that it is one way.

 

I don't know, seems like a double standard to me.

 

But maybe your all round personality explains why the couple in your OP was mad at your partner for lying and why they considered you a piece of shit asshole.

[giggidy70 15]

How would you feel if you found out your wife was cheating on you? YES it IS cheating if she doesn't know. Shame on you:angry:

[magnum 78]

I've been married playing single for awhile. My wife doesn't know.

 

It surprises me the hatred that simple statement generates in swinger circles. I just say it up front so if it's an issue we can all move on without the drama. And drama it is. The female of the couples generally have no problem telling me what a piece of shit I am.

 

I had a mistress, also married, and would swing as a couple. We were great swingers but we had to keep our secret. When a few people found out, they were mad at her for lying and mad at me for being an asshole piece of shit cheating husband.

 

There is a double standard.

 

I would have to say, that it is not cool that your wife does not know that you are/have been in the LS without her knowing. Granted, I am not married, a big part of the LS is when couples are honest with each other about everything.

 

My two cents...

[weplay 20]

We accept that there is a deceitful subset of the swinger community that butts into our hobby for the purpose of scoring some NSA ass. We avoid those people like the clap. We have zero desire to help someone step out on their spouse. "Do unto others" comes to mind.

 

We met a single man last summer who would have made a great playmate. He was up front, however, about his loveless-but-intact marriage. We still communicate with him and consider him a friend because he's not only a gentleman, he was also honest.

 

The fact that the OP doesn't get it speaks volumes. Double standard? Neither of us is dishonest with each other or our friends. We do this together. That's the difference.

[grabbyzz 26]

IMHO, the difference in swinging (although a debate can be made if a single is really a swinger) and cheating is that the other knows about it, and approves. My wife and I, for example....We started out as swingers but was hard to find couples compatible to both of us, so we ended up going with an open marriage...Now my wife has given up playing, even with me, but I still play with others, and she is fine with that, in her words "that way I don't have to do it" So in this case it is not cheating...

[Alura 2,774]

grabbyzz said:

IMHO, the difference in swinging (although a debate can be made if a single is really a swinger) and cheating is that the other knows about it, and approves. My wife and I, for example....We started out as swingers but was hard to find couples compatible to both of us, so we ended up going with an open marriage...Now my wife has given up playing, even with me, but I still play with others, and she is fine with that, in her words "that way I don't have to do it" So in this case it is not cheating...

 

Since she's aware, I wouldn't call it cheating. I would call it sad.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . in her words "that way I don't have to do it" So in this case it is not cheating...

Am I reading this right? Keeping up your half of the bargain of maintaining an open marriage is putting your wife off of the desire to have sex with you?

[Aussie Guy 15]

Very Interesting thread well done. I was always bought up here in Australia not to lie.

 

See my post in Introductions about me and my reasons for my visit to the US in 2013 .

 

I am married and my wife swings with me but won't be making the trip over as I posted.

 

My wife has given her full blessing to have some fun while in Vegas ,I have told her to do the same here.

 

I would much rather be honest than get over there and lie, which is what a lot of my Australian mates have done to get laid. They said it is not hard for Australian men to get laid in the US , I think they are probably full of it never that easy, sure an accent helps some times granted.

 

Besides the big indent on my wedding ring finger is a dead give away so I will get caught out if I lie so why do it?

 

The problem with lying about your marital status is you have to keep lying to keep the charade up.

 

Better to be honest and up front and then you have laid your cards on the table.

 

If no one wants to have some adult fun with me in Vegas, fine that's cool, I will get over it .

 

Even if a stunner with legs to heaven asks me in a bar "you married?" I will reply yes with benefits.

 

I know many women in our local swinging scene here who open and honest about been married. They just want what they are missing and most of their hubbies do know they play around.

 

Tricky issue but I for one appreciate honesty good or bad. Like the morals shown in the thread also to be honest, guess it is all about your own situation at home.

[grabbyzz 26]

Am I reading this right? Keeping up your half of the bargain of maintaining an open marriage is putting your wife off of the desire to have sex with you?

 

No, she lost any desire for sex with anyone about a year ago. Shes been having less and less over the last few.

[rainbowskye 102]

Up until I got sick one of my playmates was married playing single. His wife has uterine cancer and through all the treatments chemotherapy and radiation she just has no desire for sex. It was only with her consent that we were playmates .

 

Now...he only had permission to play with me and when he came to see me at the hospital he left his cell phone behind and when a text comes through it displays the text messages. Several came through and he had no idea about them and sent his wife to come and get his phone. Needless to say we were both shocked and well due to wanting his cake and then some with dishonesty we are no longer talking.

 

I don't think what we were doing was cheating as it was at the wife discretion and suggestion but what he later did when I was out of commission was cheating on her and I do not condone that at all.