We did it, now we are in marital stagnets

[countrygal 15]

Want to thank everyone on here for the wonderful information I have received and read and am working on fixing what I might have messed up. This is my first post but I would love to hear any comments or thoughts on my situation. I apologize as it is quite the long story but I want to make sure all is told.

 

My husband and I have been together 5 years this coming June. For the past year we had been discussing swinging and thought it would spice up our lives that had become so redundant. (his initial idea, then it became my obsession) We had great sex with each other at first while talking about it in bed, and I wanted to take it to the next level. So much so that I joined just about every single swinger website and started talking to many people. I found one particular guy I was really interested in. This man was incredibly well built and very large down below. Just what I thought I wanted.

 

Husband and he spoke for a couple of months and my hubby liked his personality. Well, after beating around the bush another month, I told him I was ready one day and had set it up. I did for that following weekend and we got all the arrangements made with the babysitter, hotels, etc. The man showed up just on time and we had some small talk before it all took off. The act itself for me was amazing. My husband appeared to be enjoying it as well. The man left and the husband and I spent the night at the hotel. I was in pure bliss. I haven't felt like that in as long as I can remember.

It wasn't until the drive home I suspected anything was wrong. My husband was extremely quiet and when I would ask a question, it was very short answers. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. It was uncomfortable and I was thinking that would be all we would be talking about. Not one mention of it the whole ride home. When we arrived home, he kissed and played with our children a few minutes then disappeared into his office. I tried to go in and make small talk to just see how he was and if I could get any information out of him and he said it wasn't a good time to talk about that since he was working on a big project. He did not come to bed that night.

 

I awoke the next morning to find him already gone to work and on a Sunday. It was unusual but I figured it was his project he wanted to get done. I left him 3 voice mails over 5 hours before he called me back telling me he would be home late. That has not happened in the 5 years we have been together. I suspected something and so I had my sister watch my children while I went to ask him if he was okay at his office. He was not at his office. I spent over two hours trying to find him before I finally saw his car at the bar. I went in and there he was drunker than I had ever seen him with a pad of paper on the table and a note to me half written telling me he was leaving. I WAS DEVASTATED. I am not sure if it was the alcohol, or the stress he must have been under but he let it all out. He said that the whole experience has left him shattered as a man and he can never look at me the same again. I just sat and listened and cried. He said the sounds I made with this other man, the enjoyment I was having, and the constant obsession I apparently had over doing this has broken his heart and he doesn't feel that he will ever measure up again since he has never seen me so pleasured. He said he thought it was great to talk about at first, but then he got disinterested while I kept on obsessing about it. He was right. I had ignored his comments about taking it slow and just exploring the ideas, and I acted on it before I even really spoke to him about it in detail. At first we were interested in going slow and trying things with couples, then it was lets just see what happens when it happens and I developed it into a single male 3 way without realizing what I had done. He said he just went along with my ideas on it thinking it would eventually get out of my head and once we did try it, it would be done with. I tried to tell him that I was sorry and that he should come home and we could talk about this once he sobered up. He wouldn't. He said he needed some time to think and he already had a hotel room. He said if I loved him like I said I did, I would give him some time. He said this was something that can't be undone in his head and he has to try and figure out how to live with it. It has been two weeks now and he still comes home everyday to see our children and eat dinner with them, but then leaves without even saying so much as bye to me. I am trying to give him his space but I am not sure if I should be doing more to try and get him back. I love him with all my heart and I don't want him to think less of me.

 

Is my marriage broken forever? I asked him to go to therapy and he refuses to even talk to me right now about anything but finances or the children. I have even showed up at the hotel unannounced to see if there was someone else and every time I have, he is there alone with usually a bottle of liquor when before he only drank a couple of drinks per night after dinner. I am honestly worried I have not only destroyed my marriage but have destroyed him as well. Any thoughts or anyone ever heard of experiences like this that worked out? I appreciate any comments. Thank you for listening.

[doug39 80]

See people, this is exactly what I fear may happen to me if my wife and I swing.

 

My wife also is obsessed with the idea of a MFM encounter.

 

I have come to the conclusion (in my case) that swinging is just the next step toward the end our marriage.

 

My wife told me in January 2010 that "she doesn't see herself spending the rest of her life with me" and I am sure once our daughter is out on her own the marriage may end.

 

We have tried to work it out but I know deep down she isn't happy and it really doesn't matter what I do - I can't change that.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

See people, this is exactly what I fear may happen to me if my wife and I swing.

 

My wife also is obsessed with the idea of a MFM encounter.

 

I have come to the conclusion (in my case) that swinging is just the next step toward the end our marriage.

 

My wife told me in January 2010 that "she doesn't see herself spending the rest of her life with me" and I am sure once our daughter is out on her own the marriage may end.

 

We have tried to work it out but I know deep down she isn't happy and it really doesn't matter what I do - I can't change that.

 

I'm sorry Doug39, but this thread isn't about you. It's about the OP. You can link to this thread from your own thread, but don't bring your problems into another member's thread when they're looking for answers to their problems. That is rude.

 

countrygal: I'm sorry you're experiencing what you are right now. Give me (and the other members) time to absorb what you've shared, and we'll give you feedback ASAP.

[Chicup 41]

Ugh, this is exactly why I say never start with an MFM. The problem is that from a male perspective you are doing all the giving and getting nothing in return. Before someone says 'We did an MFM first and it was great!' or 'I really enjoy seeing her in an MFM, Chicup you are stupid!' thats meaningless to individuals. Some people take drugs without side effects, other the side effects are worse then the drugs.

 

So obviously thats too late.

 

Then what you have is I'm going to guess this guy is better looking and has a bigger penis than your husband. So insecurity fires on all cylinders there.

 

He sees a good looking guy, with a bigger dick, pleasing his wife in a way hes maybe never seen (odds are you were turned on well beyond normal), and on top of that he has all that evolutionary baggage about 'don't touch my woman!' we have affecting him with some extreme jealousy.

 

But this doesn't help you, I'm trying to just put you in his head as a male.

 

Personally, though this might sound like a bad idea to some, if you had a female friend you could do a FMF with I would do it as it would help him feel more 'even', but the odds of that happening are pretty darn low.

 

I don't know anything you can say that will help, maybe others do, but I do know what can help is time. Its going to take some time for logical brain to take over from the primitive emotions, I know because I've been there myself.

[doug39 80]

I wasn't making it all about me.

 

I am just saying I can identify.

 

This just shows that swinging isn't for everybody.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

OK.

Yes, you both made mistakes. You went faster than he was comfortable with. He either forgot he could say "no" or "slow down", or chose not to use his veto power.

Hopefully you two can discuss that at some point and work through it.

 

Now, the rest of what I write is strictly opinion on how to handle the situation as you've described. We are only hearing your side, so that is an understood variable that we are dealing with. Understand that I have no training in counseling, and only life experience to draw from.

 

He appears to be enjoying or relishing the victim role right now. I wouldn't feed into it by showing up unannounced, pressing for discussion, etc. etc. If he wants to be alone, then let him know you are available when he is ready to talk, and then let him be alone. A few days of not being the center of attention, or receiving any attention at all, can change a person's outlook.

 

When he is ready to talk, you both need to agree not to place blame. If that can't be agreed upon, then you can't work through this. The goal is to move forward in a positive direction, and that is where both of you need to be focused. Solutions, not blame.

 

Obviously (but we still have to throw it out there) there doesn't need to be any play of any type until you are both on the same page and have worked through this. That includes "you got yours, now I get mine" scenarios.

 

Good luck, and I look forward to seeing better advice than what I've given being shared by other board members.

[doug39 80]

 

Obviously (but we still have to throw it out there) there doesn't need to be any play of any type until you are both on the same page and have worked through this. .

 

Swingers never fail to amaze me - you all have sex on the brain. Do you really think her husband would want to swing again?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Swingers never fail to amaze me - you all have sex on the brain. Do you really think her husband would want to swing again?

 

Probably not. But unfortunately there are people out there like yourself that don't want to swing but still feel the need to go through with it anyway. Sometimes it's good to remind them that they do have a spine and they should use it once in a while for their own benefit.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . I am honestly worried I have not only destroyed my marriage but have destroyed him as well. Any thoughts or anyone ever heard of experiences like this that worked out?

Was there any perceived or known problem about drink before you started to consider swing? No, I am not reading that you have destroyed a relationship. I have heard about and, in one case, known about something similar. In the case with which my wife and I are personally acquainted, the marital problem was straightened after the drinking stopped.

 

I'm happy you have found us here at The Swingersboard. I welcome you.

 

~Michael

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

It's worth taking a deep breath and a pause.

 

The alcohol is his strategy for dealing with what he perceives to be a shameful event--his shame--now believing that in your eyes he no longer "measures up". Shame is an extraordinarily powerful affect. I could venture a guess that somewhere in his early development, he was held to an extraordinarily high standard by a teacher, parent or coach. People tend to internalize that judge into an "inner judge". The alcohol becomes a balm for this very real mental anguish of perceiving that he is "not good enough". Fact is, there is always a man with a bigger penis or who lasts longer and so on.

 

Two points are worth making here.

 

First, the message you are sending is the one that you want to continue to send, namely that you love him above all else. You might consider asking your sister to look after the kids for a night and carving out time at the hotel just for him. Just to be with him and just to listen and tell him that you love him.

 

Second, you are in some sense fortunate that this episode occurred with full knowledge of all parties so there was no cheating involved. Imagine the outcomes if this had been cheating, an affair or similar. Since you can't turn the clock back, you (plural) can at least reflect on what's important to each of you.

 

Finally, and I am channeling VegasLee here, you've learned that swinging is not for everyone. Whether it is for you as a couple depends a great deal on how you communicate and emerge from this episode. Note the emphasis on "as a couple". The symmetry may be the most important thing to you.

[a_d_xxx 663]

Based on your (understandably single-sided) description, it sounds like he is passive aggressively punishing you for his feelings of insecurity. Those are his feelings. You cannot fix them. The best you can do is acknowledge them, explain that hurting him was not your intent, that you thought he was on side with what happened, your feelings for him have not changed, and you are there to talk when he is ready. Then let him be. Attempting to actively "fix" or take responsibility for his emotions will give him control over you in a way that will establish an unhealthy precedent going forward.

 

However, you mention 'obsession' several times in your post and that makes me concerned that you may be more culpable than you have let on.

 

D

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

He said that the whole experience has left him shattered as a man and he can never look at me the same again. I just sat and listened and cried. He said the sounds I made with this other man, the enjoyment I was having, and the constant obsession I apparently had over doing this has broken his heart and he doesn't feel that he will ever measure up again since he has never seen me so pleasured. He said he thought it was great to talk about at first, but then he got disinterested while I kept on obsessing about it. He was right. I had ignored his comments about taking it slow and just exploring the ideas, and I acted on it before I even really spoke to him about it in detail. At first we were interested in going slow and trying things with couples, then it was lets just see what happens when it happens and I developed it into a single male 3 way without realizing what I had done. He said he just went along with my ideas on it thinking it would eventually get out of my head and once we did try it, it would be done with. I tried to tell him that I was sorry and that he should come home and we could talk about this once he sobered up. He wouldn't. He said he needed some time to think and he already had a hotel room. He said if I loved him like I said I did, I would give him some time. He said this was something that can't be undone in his head and he has to try and figure out how to live with it. It has been two weeks now and he still comes home everyday to see our children and eat dinner with them, but then leaves without even saying so much as bye to me. I am trying to give him his space but I am not sure if I should be doing more to try and get him back. I love him with all my heart and I don't want him to think less of me.

 

It sounds like there was a lot of miscommunication going into this and now it's just gotten worse to the point of almost completely shutting down.

 

There's space and then there's distance. You've given him a lot of space now it's time to let him know how important he is to you. Don't just tell him. Show him. Counseling should be on the agenda, but first you have to get him to even speak to you. I'd suggest writing him a letter and letting it all out. Share all that you shared above. That you realize you were wrong and that you should have listened earlier. Most importantly share how much you love him and how important he is to you. I would suggest going ahead and making an appointment with a counselor (for within a few days after you give him the letter). Include in the letter the date and time of the appointment (as well as location) and let him know that you are committed to fixing this and that you will be there with or without him. Hopefully, he will show up.

 

It's not too late to fix this. That said, I do think that swinging is probably off the table for your relationship (or should be). If you are good with that, I'd also include that in your letter to him.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Country Gal

 

I fear what you are experiencing is the same thing that happened to me (the mr) in my former marriage. We were in the lifestyle for 14 of our 15 years together. We only played with single women and couples. The former mrs decided it was time for single males. She spent hours and hours on the internet and at clubs looking for any well hung male she could find. I can honestly say our marriage ended when I had enough of what she had become.

 

NOW....this is NOT to say what you had done was wrong or intentional, but your husband has feelings and emotions and most likely feels like "less of a man" than who you were with that night. Many times the husband feels on the outside, hence the term cuckold.

 

This was a one time thing, you both agreed to it and neither of you are able to handle it. Him more so than you obviously. My advice....stop any activity such as this forever before it gets out of hand. Reassure him that he means more to you than anything in the world and you will BOTH do whatever it takes to put this incident behind you and never repeat it and if your getting texts or calls from the male from that night, end it immediately and let him know it was one and done.

 

Best of luck and hope this helps a little

[slevin 1,374]

I think it says a lot about you that you've been able to be very self aware. Recognizing that you ignored your husbands desire to go slowly, that you forged into something other than what you'd both decided to start with, and that you were so excited about what was happening. Those aren't good things, but it is great that your recognized what happened and your role in where you're at now.

 

I think a combination of Julie's advice and two4you's advice is what is needed. Give him a day or two where you're not pushing to talk to him. Then deliver a thoughtful letter to him. As Julie suggested, be open and honest. Express what is on your mind and how you feel about what happened. Own up to your part in where you find yourselves. Make that appointment to see a counselor and ask him to join you. Whether he does or not, definitely go talk to the counselor. They can help yuo make sense of how to handle this.

 

It's an unfortunate situation, but your attitude about it and your desire to rectify it is excellent. Definitely put swinging aside until this is all resolved. Even then, you two will need to do a lot of soul searching before ever trying it again. It may not be something that will be good for your relationship.

 

Good luck and please do come back and keep us informed on how it's going.

[angelkin 1,326]

CountryGal - I am so sorry your foray into swinging has resulted in such heartache and pain in your marriage. It is often said that swinging magnifies a relationship - if you're happy, you'll be more happy...but if things weren't good to being with, then that is magnified as well.

 

At the risk of taking a position that others have not voiced, I wish to clarify that it appears your husband was a willing participant in this event. At any time during the planning, discussing, chatting, or the actual sharing did he flatly say "no"? While I read your comments about agreeing to take it slow, but that you raced ahead and wanted to push the timeline along - what I didn't read was any report of flat refusal on his behalf nor any strong words about the subject at all. I feel that he easily (and it was his responsibility to)could have said "no, enough of this...we will not swing" or something of the like at any point during the past few months right up to and including arriving at the hotel - even during play.

 

I guess what I am saying is that you are BOTH responsible for this problem. It seems to me he is projecting the blame on you and very much playing the victim in all of this. If he wants to save your relationship, he will need to resolve his issues and talk to you soon.

 

I think you have chased him enough. Either he wants to fix this with you or he doesn't. I liked the suggestion Julie gave about writing a letter and including a scheduled appointment time for a counselor. With or without him, you need to talk to someone about this event in your life...

 

I am not a man, so I can only imagine what feelings he is experiencing that are causing him such angst. However, I am a woman and can identify with your side of the situation. You are not responsible for this situation alone, nor are you responsible for the way he is processing it.

 

I think you have done all you can while still being true to yourself. Not to be so cavalier about the institution of marriage, but at some point you have to ask yourself, is this worth saving? What will things be like in a year? Will you be walking on eggshells just to save his broken heart?

 

Again, I am sorry - and I apologize if I haven't read/interpreted the chain of events clearly. Perhaps my point of view isn't what you need right now, if that's the case, feel free to disregard it altogether. More than anything, I hope the two of you can work this out and be stronger for it.

[shrevecouple 252]

I have to disagree with the consensus always that when a marriage goes south after swinging that there was a problem within the marriage beforehand. Some just make bad choices for themselves and can't get over it. Yes it is possibe he tried to suppress his gut instinct trying to satisfy his wife. Especially if he read all the stuff insinuating only those who are truly selfless and in love can give this "gift" to their spouse.

[Just Passing By 140]

Yes sometimes Stuff can hit the fan seemingly from nowhere, but ...here it reads like one side was giving too little feedback , while the other was overlooking it.The percentages don't particularily matter now, it's how to deal with present situation.

 

The two possabilities are to agressivly seek to take action thru counciling, etc , or to leave him substantially on his own to work thru.

 

Either way Might work , or Might blow up. No way of knowing which until trying.

[PTTimeDC 120]

Those issues go deeper than swinging. Swinging should only be for those couples who are completely honest and secure in their relationships, capable of talking about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING together. If you keep anything from your spouse, you need to stay out of this lifestyle.

My wife has been with a number of single men, together with me and on her own. It's hot and something that it incredibly fun and invigorating for the two of us.....and that's because we TALK.

[countrygal 15]

I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful responses and am truly honored to have such people take time to provide the wonderful different views on my situation. Thank you.

I have a small update. Last evening after dinner I actually cornered him before he left and told him to either talk to me about it, or pack more stuff. I had tried all other approaches and the temper in me came out. I apologized to him that this happened but until he can sit and talk to me about this, then there was no need for him to keep me hanging by a string. It has been all I have been able to focus on and I cannot let other things like my job go to focus on him. It actually worked. He and I sat and again he expressed his feelings and said he had been trying to work it out in his own mind on his feelings. He said it was not so much about the sex part, but he was very insecure with himself since he had never seen me that shall we say "excited" during sex. I explained to him that it was all new to me as well and that yes, I am not going to lie I enjoyed it. It was not about his lack of physical ability or his "size" that made it enjoyable as much as it was about all of us participating in it. I told him I actually felt closer to him that night because he had put so much trust in me. I don't think he is or will be able to determine sex vs. emotions. Long story short, he is planning on coming back home for good tonight and we are going to try and work this out, but I told him that in order for this to work we had to try some type of therapy or set aside some time each night to discuss not only this, but our feelings. Being a man, I do not think that is what he wants to do, but is agreeable. He said he will try anything for his children. I doubt there will be any sexual activity between us for some time but that is okay with me as long as we are communicating. I believe I can rebuild his self esteem he so says he lost over a period of time and I can promise that I will not be on any further swinger site but this one again. That is off limits until further notice. My husband is the world to me and I actually used the quote from Fundamental Law that there is always a bigger penis but it does not mean I want that man for my husband. I told him there are a lot of women that are better than I out there and it is just natural to be attracted to that. Thank you Fundamental Law for that. He was very responsive to that and understood and hopefully can separate sex from love.

He has never had a drinking problem and I don't believe he does now. I believe he was using that as an escape however it would make him think more about it with clouded thoughts. I will be watching that however.

Again, I want to thank all of you for taking your time to assist me. I believe once we begin communicating again, then I can have a chance to try and make this better. As for swinging, well as the saying goes, to each their own. It is just not for us, at least not right now, and might never be. I know a couple that I met online that has been doing it for years and their marriage is stronger than any I have ever seen. So it appears it is just up to the couple and their security. I believe our marriage is secure, it seems that my husband was insecure within himself at the time we did it. Good Luck to all of you and I will keep everyone updated as we progress. This is such a great outlet and wealth of information for so many variations of issues. Thanks again.

[SJCPL1 65]

Doug,

Why are you on this board? I'm confused

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I started writing this before your last post, so I went back and edit a lot out, but I let parts of my post (below dotted lines) remain because it think they MAY still be helpful.

 

I am glad to see you are communicating, that is for the best for people in and outside this lifestyle.

---------------------------------------------------------------

countrygal - your husband is correct about one thing, it can't be undone, which is why so many of us urge caution before jumping into this lifestyle.

 

One thing your husband is forgetting is that he is still in control of how he reacts and acts going forward. Once the skydiver jumps out of the plane, he has control over how he acts, he can pull the chute and eventually get to the ground in one piece or he can let panic and doubts control him and wait until it is too late and it destroys him. He can choose to let his panic and doubts control him or he can take control of himself and his actions.

 

There are no solutions at the bottom of a bottle.

 

This lifestyle is not for everyone. If it is not for you guys, then live and learn, move forward put this behind you.

 

Keep doing what you are doing by trying to communicate, try different ways until you get through to him.

 

Sex does not equal love. Seeing our partners pleasured is a huge reason some of us are in this lifestyle. It is also an opportunity to learn more about each other and become better partners and lovers.

 

Much of the excitement is that it is something we are sharing, not that someone else is better, its just new and different. But if someone is better at some aspect of sex or is better endowed it does not change love.

[tribbles 490]

Find a therapist who can accept and help you both cope with a choice you made that did not go as hoped. It really is just an adventure you both tried and found it's not for both of you....it doesn't have to be the end of love.

 

Think of all the many other choices you two will decide to try out in life and realize many won't be good....open a business and have it fail, invest in something and lose, buy a house and end up underwater and lose your home....get sick, take a med and find for a couple of years, side effects of it cause life to change while you wait to see if you need a transplant....agree to MFM and find the emotions it brings up are crazy making and need help to cope....

 

the flip side is, some businesses will succeed, some investments win, many keep their homes and pay 'em off, most meds cure not nearly kill and MFM's can lead some to swinging and wild sex fun together.

 

Before you do something you can not know the future.

 

That's what the for better or worse part is all about. You work though and keep loving each other in the worse and enjoy the hell out of all the better on your life journey together.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Last evening after dinner I actually cornered him before he left and told him to either talk to me about it, or pack more stuff.

Good for you. Sometimes it takes an approach like this to start the process.

 

 

Good luck to both of you as you work through this. We hope your relationship becomes stronger than ever.

[angelkin 1,326]

CountryGal - good for you both! I wish you both all the best in getting past this issue - may you find common ground and build things from there. Please do let us know how things are going from time to time.

[Just Passing By 140]

Glad it's progressing for you. A "lifestyle nuetral " councilor can help now.

 

But you guys should leave extra playmates off of your future menu.

[Texasmilcpl 15]

Definitely a tough pill to swallow~

Sharing your partner with another is a very difficult first step to take, indeed. Regardless of looks, dick size, physique and all that other material stuff...even if your hubby had the other guy beat hands down in those departments...the VERY FIRST TIME he was to hear the sounds of passion coming from his life partner...and it's NOT HIM making you make those sounds...that's where the old two dimensional outlook on sex is finished and a third dimension opens up. Lucky for some very few, there are individuals that can accept it right off the bat like that and never feel jealous, suffer anxiety or have jealousy issues. However, I can guarantee the vast majority of us do at the beginning. Insecurities for men and women are very real and something to be treated with as they were a glass ball...go SLOW! Too fast and lack of communication will for sure shatter it! When we first started, the first two couples and 6 weeks of doing this was Hell for me. My wife loved it...I personally had serious issues that I just couldn't get into it and she was always rearing to go. Huge arguments, insecurities from myself (for no real reason either...been a Soldier for 18 yrs, strikingly good looking, great physique and well endowed) all led to the fact that the other male partners of the couples were nowhere NEAR as 'full package' hot as I was...but it didn't matter...she is going to REALLY ENJOY IT because it's a nice break for once in many years...NOT ME ALL THE TIME!...LOL!......Remember? Variety and spicing up? The excitement is because its the acting on the fantasy finally...think about it...who WOULDN'T get excited fucking some 'strange'?

Countrygal...he's going to need some time to sift through his own feelings. He has emotions from jealousy, resentment, inadequacy, envy, distrust and anxiety over the whole ordeal...it takes some guys weeks...others months...but I would CERTAINLY NOT play with MFM for a while...stick to MFMF for a while, guys...this way NO ONE is going to be left out...and ENSURE until comfort levels are there, you all stick to SAME ROOM ONLY for a while...rules change with comfort levels over time. Good thing about MFMF is that no one in that room is going to run off at some crazy pace and leave anyone behind. When there is an issue with MFMF...it's EVERYONE'S issue because if hubby is affected...it will be reciprocated by the other female...the other female WILL back her hubby off of your wife with code words or a little break for a bit...MFMF if your safest bet...this way your hubby will discover that OTHER WOMEN find him hot in his own way and sexually needed also! It's a WIN/WIN for everyone!

I hope this helps, and the very best to both of you finding your way together!

[Goingood 48]

Good Luck, CountryGal.

[djjwp 129]

Deja vu, this happened in my first marriage. I am NOT a cockold and she just wanted to put on a show and have fun and I could not handle that due to my lack of maturity. We had a hard time getting past it but now after 18 years of divorce, we are pretty good friends. The best thing I can tell you is to not give up, she did or we would still be married. You can not force him to go to a councilor but if you can you may just be able to fix this. Good luck.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I am very sorry for you both that you are experiencing the problems you are. My wife and I have not been in your shoes, so there is not a great deal of sage advice I can offer. I'll offer what I have a clue about...

 

He said the sounds I made with this other man, the enjoyment I was having,...

 

It's been rather bizarre, but in several of the times my wife and I have played with others, I've observed her make different and unique sounds than she's made with me or other play partners. I can't describe it. But, it's happened. The first time, it gave me a bit of pause. Since then, I've learned to appreciate that each experience has its own je ne sais quois. When the play partners she has happen to be good, the sounds become different.

 

This just 'is'. Perhaps it is this way with you as well. Maybe you make sounds with your husband that are unique to him. Consider that. It's hard to judge for yourself. My wife is not conscious of making different sounds. She just does. In no sense should it ever be interpreted that this other man you had sex with is better than your husband. I think that needs to be made clear. Different doesn't equal better.

 

Pairing up a couple of quotes...

 

and the constant obsession I apparently had over doing this has broken his heart and he doesn't feel that he will ever measure up again since he has never seen me so pleasured.

 

but he was very insecure with himself since he had never seen me that shall we say "excited" during sex.

 

Swinging sex can be incredibly powerful for a number of reasons. It's intensely erotic. For many it's well beyond the "norm" for sexual behavior, and the outright naughtiness of it can send the sexual energy sky high. In this sense, it can almost not matter at all who the other play partner is. It's also the first time you've had sex with someone other than your husband in many years. The sheer fact that it is different can make it very intense as well. Further, the great sense of bonding you can feel with your spouse during the play session can multiply things many times over.

 

Can you husband ever match up to that? Brutally honest? No.

 

And immediately I say..."SO?"

 

You know what? Swinging sex can't hold a candle to the intense love I feel for my wife. An analogy; the swinging sex is like sampling a new food you've never had before, and wow was it good! Do you then conclude that all other food is crap and you'll never eat anything again because it could never compare? Of course not. A single dish can't replace you're entire diet anymore than a single man can replace your entire relationship. This other guy is nothing compared to your husband. Make sure your husband knows this.

 

 

I doubt there will be any sexual activity between us for some time but that is okay with me as long as we are communicating.

 

Sex doesn't define a marriage. Try subtle acts of intimacy. Show your caring for him. You know his daily routine; make it easier for him. Do things for him out of the kindness of your heart. Show your love and appreciation of him in a thousand ways.

 

As for swinging, well as the saying goes, to each their own. It is just not for us, at least not right now, and might never be.

 

I'm going to guess that it will never be. That's ok. It doesn't mean your marriage somehow is less capable, special, meaningful, or strong than a couple who do swing. You tried it, and found that as a couple it was a very poor choice. That's perfectly ok.

 

I know a couple that I met online that has been doing it for years and their marriage is stronger than any I have ever seen. So it appears it is just up to the couple and their security.

 

Not being suited for swinging doesn't mean you lack security in your marriage. You need to be very secure in your marriage to be successful swingers, but not being a swinger or being able to swing doesn't mean you're not secure. You're not broken because you can't swing, and swinging isn't a litmus test to determine the success of a marriage.

 

 

 

You are of course very welcome to continue to post here, and keep us up to date on what's happening, as well as ask us any questions or feedback you'd like to have.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

Not being suited for swinging doesn't mean you lack security in your marriage. You need to be very secure in your marriage to be successful swingers, but not being a swinger or being able to swing doesn't mean you're not secure. You're not broken because you can't swing, and swinging isn't a litmus test to determine the success of a marriage.

 

This is such an important point.

 

I think that often when we say that swinging couples must have strong relationships, it can sound like problems with swinging equal a weak couple. That's just not necessarily true. We had a rough time with jealousy at one point and it had nothing to do with weakness in our relationship and everything to do with my own personal self esteem. I wasn't feeling hot and I wasn't able to handle it. Through all of that, our relationship was as secure as ever. We still loved each other, talked about everything... What had to happen was this: I had to work on my self esteem. For me, that meant getting more exercise, eating well, dressing well, learning to believe the wonderful things K was saying about me, setting reasonable goals and accomplishing them, and all those other things that you do to feel good about yourself.

 

Keep letting your husband know how much you love him and keep putting him first. He needs to rebuild his self confidence and he needs to know how committed you are to him.

 

Good luck.

[prairieshadows 95]

As a couple who went through a bad experience a few years ago through a similar experience where it caused a huge rift in our marriage, the best advice we can give is keep the lines of communication open. For us it was more I pushed my wife into playing with women when she was open to it instead of letting her go at her own pace with it, and not communicating with her about things, and it got to a point where we had a wedge between us, I had gotten focused on me and what I want, and wasn't thinking about her and her needs and what was best for us. We had separated for about a month, she and the kids left, it was a tough time for both of us, but also gave us both time to think about things, because it was issues we both needed to work out. When she and the kids came home we took things VERY slow, and I made a huge effort to put her and the kids and just about everyone and everything else before myself and what I wanted. We went through marriage counseling and it really helped us both to really learn how to communicate better with each other. We spent close to 2 years before we even discussed possibly getting back into the lifestyle again, because we wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to go overboard like I had in the past before we did anything again. Now we haven't been the most active couple in the lifestyle, mainly because of work and kids, but we have gotten back in, and something we do is keep the lines of communication open and talk about it, is is something we really want to do.

 

So IF you and your husband do decide to try the swinging lifestyle again, make sure you both sit down and discuss this through so you both understand everything that could possibly happen. We do want to wish you the best though in rebuilding your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Bob and I 21]

This is a very late comment to this discussion, but I think I have something key to add.

 

Humiliation can be a very hard thing to get over. I think many people will be willing to do themselves a great deal of harm, while running away from humiliation. And it can be all but impossible to turn around and face the humiliation, get past it, and move on with their lives.

 

That's what I think is going on here. I don't have any useful ideas about mending this marriage, I just have my insight into what's really going on here.

 

The I of Bob and I