Did we screw up by crossing a boundry?

[lotsoffun201 175]

This is not going to be one of those woe is me posts, but would like some feedback and thought I would throw it out there for others who might have found themselves in a similar situation:

 

Several weeks ago the mrs and I went to our local club where we are regulars. We started chatting with some of our regular friends there and met a new couple from out of town. They were very nice, the mr was very respectful and the mrs was kind of quiet and shy. I would call them just regular folks. Not supermodels by any stretch of the imagination, just ordinary middle aged people having a good time on vacation.

 

The mr from the other couple asked mrs to dance and she agreed. I chatted a little with the mrs, but she was a little on the reserved side, and that was ok, just a little small talk. They came back to the table and my mrs wanted to dance with me so we went out on the floor by ourselves. She mentioned how respectful he was and that she is used to feeling like a piece of "chum" and it was a refreshing change. She said she really liked him. Quite frankly the mrs of the couple was not my cup of tea, but if she liked him, it was just fine with me. Pretty soon we all decided it was time for a little more fun.

 

Now we are a committed soft swap couple and told them this beforehand and they were fine with it. I have been in the lifestyle for many many years as a full swap couple with the ex. There are times when mrs will say to me, "you got to experience that but I haven't" Now realize being a soft couple is BOTH of our choices, and not just hers or mine.

 

Regardless, we are now all in a room together and have paired off appropriately and things are going really well. I suppose in the heat of the moment I figured, if I would allow us to cross our boundarys this was a very safe bet. I then whispered to the mrs, "if you want to fuck him go ahead and experience it". There was no hesitation in her voice and she asked him to go for it. For most of the time I held her hand as she was in doggy. In fact the other mrs commented how cute that was. She appeared to be enjoying herself and in fact there were a few other firsts as she wanted a DP so we did that as well.

 

The session ended nicely, we exchanged numbers and all got dressed. Now here is the part I wonder about. Afterwards, mrs was visibly upset in that she allowed herself in a moment of weakness to cross the line. She said she did enjoy it but can't believe she could have been so weak. I told her she did it with my permission, got to experience it and that it was a one time thing as far as I am concerned but not to have any regrets about it. I will admit that the next day mrs and I had some seriously amazing sex all day long.

 

Here is my dilemma: Did I do something wrong by offering this to her? I feel that she deserved a chance and am in no way mad or jealous. Not even close. We have not told other couples, with the exception of our regular couple and they are soft as well. She always relys on me to be the strength of our relationship and I feel I may have failed in that regard.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think it was fine. It was completely consensual. You had fun together and went home together. There was no drama. It's ok to push your boundaries together and decide what you like. I would just keep talking and reassuring each other.

[Alura 2,775]

I wouldn't worry about it; "shouldadones" don't count. Besides, it seems to have turned out quite well. Y'all may have chosen an ideal couple with whom to have this experience.

 

Reassure your wife that everything is fine, perhaps a bit better, and move on to the next adventure!

 

My late wife and I used to hold hands sometimes during foursomes. I fully understand your mindset. It's more meaningful than "cute."

 

Alura

[LFM2 1,482]

mrs was visibly upset in that she allowed herself in a moment of weakness to cross the line. She said she did enjoy it but can't believe she could have been so weak. I told her she did it with my permission, got to experience it and that it was a one time thing as far as I am concerned but not to have any regrets about it. I will admit that the next day mrs and I had some seriously amazing sex all day long.

 

Here is my dilemma: Did I do something wrong by offering this to her? I feel that she deserved a chance and am in no way mad or jealous. Not even close. We have not told other couples, with the exception of our regular couple and they are soft as well. She always relys on me to be the strength of our relationship and I feel I may have failed in that regard.

 

Why is the person we have the hardest time forgiving is ourselves? I've done stuff that didn't bother Dave a whit, yet I dwell on something until I'm almost sick. Why? I have no idea why. Maybe it's my leftover Catholic guilt.

 

You didn't do anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with a split second decision to pump things up in a foursome. Reassure her you're fine with what happened, as you're the one that told her you'd be fine with it and not to dwell on things. You tried it, you either liked or disliked it and you move on. Talk it out and good job!!

[lovelakelife 25]

Wish our "jump" from soft to full had gone as "respectful" and with permission as yours did! In our situation, the other mr. repeatedly pressed" until the mrs. gave in and "allowed" it....3 times we stated we were soft and not ready for that yet....it happend anyhow, but the beauty of what's between two couples that love, trust and support each other- no matter what- is that you can pull back any time you want to, like we have, to allow things to slow back down and wait till everyone feels more comfortable. Your permission being the GIANT defining difference, that will allow her to NOT beat herself up over it. We can only hope our next "jump" goes just like yours did! Thanx for sharring- your post actually helps us as well- thats what we love about this board- the sharring of experiences and information.

[km34 672]

You didn't do anything wrong at all. Sometimes you never know how far is comfortable to go until you push it a little bit. You've already told her you enjoyed it, she said she enjoyed it too, but that doesn't mean you've set a precedent that full swap is always okay.

 

I'd consider it a learning experience and a reason to have a nice long conversation about what you want from future interactions.

[Alura 2,775]

Why is the person we have the hardest time forgiving is ourselves? I've done stuff that didn't bother Dave a whit, yet I dwell on something until I'm almost sick.

 

Very good point, Holly! Once, Laura came home from an appointment with an "artist" hair dresser... in tears. She had asked him to trim off the split ends of her waist-length tresses. He cut much more and totally restyled it.

 

She felt she had failed me because she knew I loved her long hair. The only problem with that idea was that she looked wonderful! Of course, I never saw a new hair style on her that she didn't make look beautiful, even when she was bald from chemotherapy.

 

It took a lot of love and convincing but when we went out to dinner to show her off, there was a special spring in her steps. She turned many an eye.

 

A misunderstanding is but an opportunity to grow closer.

 

Alura

[lotsoffun201 175]

Thank you everyone for the input. Yes we had talked about it and I reaffirmed to the mrs that is was ok she did it, and not to have any guilt over it. I told her there is nothing she should be ashamed of and that if anything I am the one who should feel a measure of guilt for telling her it was ok to cross our boundary.

 

I told her there was nothing but respect that evening from all partys concerned. In fact she mentioned the other mr would ask her if it was ok for him to hold her back while they danced, and asked permission for every little thing.

 

I thought it would be nice to share this story as it was one of complete respect as the lifestyle should be. Mrs and I have always thought we should keep some things between us as sacred. For some couples its a no kissing rule, for others it's a no anal rule, and for others like us its a no penetration rule.

 

I suppose its just an experience that was due to my wife which she had a chance to partake in. The mere fact she (and I) hold our relationship so sacred that neither one of us want to do it again only reinforces what we have. This statement should not be construed as a put down to full swap couples as it most definately is not. Full swap works well for the majority of couples and that is great. For us, not so much but neither one of us harbors even the slightest bit of resentment to the other. It's probably just a case of being slightly upset at ourselves, but of course it will pass.

 

I am glad folks liked the story, and was happy to share.

[LFM2 1,482]

The mere fact she (and I) hold our relationship so sacred that neither one of us want to do it again only reinforces what we have. This statement should not be construed as a put down to full swap couples as it most definately is not. Full swap works well for the majority of couples and that is great. For us, not so much but neither one of us harbors even the slightest bit of resentment to the other. It's probably just a case of being slightly upset at ourselves, but of course it will pass.

 

I am glad folks liked the story, and was happy to share.

 

I know you didn't mean that as a slam against us full swappers.

Us full swappers hold our relationship very close as well. From our personal point of view, maybe that's why we don't have so many rules. We share so much more than just sex. We have a history of almost 30 years and kids, and memories, and love, respect and so much more. I also know others who have similar histories that are soft swap too. It's all good.

[lizandtom 512]

It seems like this occurred within the past week or two. Your wife needs to come to terms with it in her head. After it sinks in that everything turned out ok, I wouldn't be surprised if you two experimented with a bit more of full swap in the near future after realizing that perhaps it was rather enjoyable. Kudo's to you for going at the slowest persons pace and respecting her feelings. Keep reassuring her and everything will be fine.

[lotsoffun201 175]

LFM2....Glad you were able to see my point. I would never criticize anyone for their choices so long as they were made together. I have been a poster on this board through 2 relationships for quite a few years. Alot of the drama we all see is related to situations being one sided. A couple will NEVER be sucessful in the lifestyle, or in their marriage for that matter, if ONE partner dictates the direction.

 

lizandtom....Funny you should bring that point up. You are correct in the fact this happened within the past two weeks and I have wrestled in my mind what would happen if things ever progressed again in a similar situation?I suppose that if circumstances were ever similar in the future, it would have to be the mrs who suggests it and not me. Having been in a full swap relationship before, I am comfortable with it but not certain either of us would like to venture down that road.

 

Again thanks to all of the respondents for the kind comments.

[JandT_Elkhart 76]

I think the issue was not THAT the rules were changed, it's WHEN they were changed. We have 2 rules:

(1) Our Rules

(2) Our rules are never changed IN THE MOMENT.

 

Let's be honest - "in the moment" we don't think straight- heck if you read half the posts in this area of the forum, you'll see that most problems start with a "heat of the moment" action.

 

So, what's done is done, but that's where I think the "guilt' was coming from.

[2 in C-bus 21]

I think the issue was not THAT the rules were changed, it's WHEN they were changed. We have 2 rules:

(1) Our Rules

(2) Our rules are never changed IN THE MOMENT.

 

Let's be honest - "in the moment" we don't think straight- heck if you read half the posts in this area of the forum, you'll see that most problems start with a "heat of the moment" action.

 

So, what's done is done, but that's where I think the "guilt' was coming from.

 

This was the post that I was going to write, but J and T expressed it much more artfully than I could have. I think that part of your wife's concern is that she broke a rule in the moment and you two had not discussed this possibility of full swap before. Next time, before going to the club discuss your bounderies and then stick with them, what ever they happen to be. You can always reevaluate your rules for next time, but you can't undo something that has already happened.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I agree with everyone and especially relate to LFM2's response. We are always hardest on ourselves. I also believe that she felt remorseful afterwards for getting caught up in the moment.

 

Another train of thought...you may have even opened her up to new feelings that she hasn't had before until that moment, having sex with another, and that may be a part of the guilt she is feeling.

 

Maybe it's time to talk about progressing a bit further into the lifestyle?

[lotsoffun201 175]

Digginit....we talked about that (progressing further) and while it is something I had experienced for many many years, she has not. She stated she did not want to do that again and was perfectly content with where we are. We have had several discussions recently about the lifestyle and this is something we BOTH feel is in our best interest. This was decided together and not unilaterally of course.

 

One of her "problems" is that she is not assertive enough with play times. We had an experience the other night when there were 3 couples in the room. We knew one of the couples quite well and the other one we just met. The male from the couple we just met was into the mrs and was getting her all hot and bothered so to speak BEFORE we all adjourned to a room. The other couples were full swap and we are not but it was all good.

 

Well the mrs seems to think the men never care if she feels good and at least gets to attempt an orgasm when we are all in a room. She feels that most of the male half we have been with are very selfish in that respect. I have to agree with her on that. I guess we just haven't found too many couples that like to give as well as receive. I guess its just a run of bad luck. I feel bad for her and have told her she needs to speak up if she isn't having her "needs" met during a session. I suppose in due time she will learn that. In the meantime, I have to be the more assertive one and let those we are with that it's ladies first (or at the same time if possible )

[DigginIt 1,132]

Well the mrs seems to think the men never care if she feels good and at least gets to attempt an orgasm when we are all in a room. She feels that most of the male half we have been with are very selfish in that respect. I have to agree with her on that.

 

That is a shame. They are out there, couples that go out of their way (like you two) to make sure that everyone is enjoying themselves and having a mutually fulfilling time.

 

Don't give up, the right couple/couples are out there looking for you too