I want my weekend's with my wife back :(

[wandj10 15]

We've been around for about a year. About 6 months ago we found a great couple that we became best friends with. I thought it was really great that what started as just sex turned into something more. We hang out with each other all the time and I guess this is where the problem began.

 

We also go to all LS parties and events together. So far, they have been the only couple we've full (penetration) swapped with. About two months ago the couples F had some issues downstairs so we started having some fun MFM's with my wife as she's always wanted to do that and she really loves it. I love doing it for her, but it's not something that I'm really that into. She's repaid the kindness with some hall passes and everything's been good.

 

Anyway, the problem is that recently when going to parties, I feel like I'm being left out...of something, and I've started getting jealous or frustrated or something? Instead of me and the wife going to parties, I feel like it's her and the husband and me and the wife. The past few weeks I feel like it's gotten way worse but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

 

Let me explain with some situations:

 

In the past when we would go we would a lot of times be the kick starter of the parties. Drink a little bit, doing like some stripper pole time, laugh our asses off, dance some, get a little frisky, make some eyes at people, invite people back to a room (or 3 or 4 or...I lost count) and just have a banging good time.

 

Two weeks ago, I'm chatting and leaving the wife explore while I explore a bit. Having a good time. We're out with the other couple like usual and the night is going pretty well. I start chatting with another two couples and then somehow after getting some drinks get pushed out of the conversation entirely with my wife's back actually facing away from me. It was so apparent that even the dude next to me was like...so what should we talk about (his girl more or less did the same thing). Not a big deal, just something that has never happened before.

 

Then I "lose" the wife. At the club we're at I'm told I can't go to the play rooms alone and it kinda gets me a tad angry. The wife hears me, immediately comes down and I guess they were just watching some other people. Again, something that's never happened before. If I go into a play area I always inform her - and for about 10 seconds I flip out. Whoa...that's NEVER happened before. I apologize immediately and calm my ass down.

 

The the next weird thing happens, I go up with the F and we start fooling around...and I wonder where the heck is my wife? Why isn't she following us up? The music's loud, I yell out and try to get their attention, some other people see me and I ask them to go ask them to come up...we go into the other room but they never come... I guess the other people never told them. So I go back downstairs and my wife goes, "Well why didn't you just continue?"

 

In my head I'm thinking, because this is about you and me US, not me and her. She's a great friend and we have a lot of fun, but aren't I supposed to be here with you?

 

After the party I explain the situation, we give it two weeks and then we go out again...

 

We're at our own table and there are couples giving us the eyeballs, checking us out. I'm totally digging them...I go over and talk with one of them, and I look around for my wingwoman, she's in the back fucking already. WHHHHAAAAT? I'm just like ok...how about a memo? A text?

 

I could really care less that she was fucking, just that a) didn't say anything b) I was totally left out and c) here we are again locked into playing with the same couple when there's two other hot fun couples that seem interested. When the wife finally shows the other couples ask who she is. Everyone thought F was my wife, kind of funny if I wasn't missing mine so much.

 

I kind of get over it, we go back to the back to try to get back on track, but again I go back with F and I expect them to show up any second. Instead I hear a loudly fucking couple in a room far away. I get kind of distracted as I'm thinking is that them? Where are they? I don't get hard in the slightest, I apologize but want to go find them. Sure enough they are having a great time alone, and I blow up again but only with a comment and just walk out.

 

I've told my wife that I prefer same room (actually really enjoy it, watching her, interacting, holding hands, laughing) and yet she keeps ending up not in the same room. Eventually I go back in and just start engaging in a MFM again trying to coax the other F to come back (I think she's pissed at me - I talked with her later she just said she had too much to drink) but eventually I'm done sharing, was asked to swap, but I was close so I decline and a few more minutes and we're all done time to go home.

 

Afterwards I actually feel selfish for keeping the wife all to myself. I'm all mixed up, and I just don't feel good anymore. I kind of again let the wife know my feelings because she keeps asking me "did you have fun? I had (barring the outburst) a ton a fun!!!" and my replies were mainly...meh, feel like we missed opportunities, and did the same thing we could have done if we just stayed home.

 

I again tell her my concerns and she always says stuff like "great I'm doing something else wrong" and getting sad. I respond with, it's not wrong, it's just making me feel -----. I hate making her feel sad so sometimes I just bottle it up, but eventually it comes out anyway. I don't think it's raw jealously because if anything I'm thinking, next time just let them go out alone. I feel that I'm ruining their party - constantly. Before it used to be about us, and now I feel what are they going to do this week - and it's really ruining the LS for me. I've told her that I don't want to give up my friends, and I have enjoyed them in our lives at parties and not - just when we go out, I want to have fun with my wife too

 

I know she's picky, she's only wanted to fuck a few other guys and for the most part the girls didn't like me or I didn't like them so it never worked out. She's also said that she's not as slutty as me in regards to finding other couples, which I find kind of confusing. I guess I do keep finding the single girls, which allows her to play with my bud (which also leaves his wife out to dry), but would much rather find another couple because single girls have their own set of drama that I'm kind of getting tired of. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? I'm confused! Recently, despite all the positives, I'm wishing we had never met them which really sucks...

 

This has probably gotten long enough. TIA for any helpful responses.

[junglecouple 128]

Perhaps you should suggest you two take a time out of the LS. Let things go back to being plain vanilla and get back in touch with the life you had before this started.

I confess, I would feel the same as you, (and I owned a Swingers club), if my lady wasn't making me a priority.

It's not selfish to want to "reclaim" your lady for the sake of your relationship.

 

If what you describe is accurate (and there's no reason not to believe what you wrote), then there are a couple of red flags, at least for me and mine.

I know my wife is extremely open and generous, but if the roles were reversed, I know she would be, shall we say "tense"!

If your mate balks at backing off the parties for a while, I'd really be concerned and would advise that both of you take the time to reconnect at a basic level.

Perhaps, since you haven't mentioned any pre-agreed upon rules, it's time to talk. I recognize the "sulking" response you described.. It's not a good sign when one wants to play the "hurt" one and the other buys into it by retreating into a shell. Best of luck to you and yours.. Hopefully this will pass..

[junkyard38 21]

Friend you and your wife need to get out of the lifestyle before there is a complete breakdown of your marriage. Re think what you are doing, for your marriage to survive. You and her have serious marital problems that need resolution.

[wandj10 15]

She's suggested that we take a break too already. She definitely isn't doing anything on purpose it just seems like there's been a shift. I don't think anything in the LS could really hurt our marriage, if anything it's just hurting the LS - making me not want to do it anymore.

 

As far as leaving permanently, even with these issues we still have a ton of fun - I don't think either of us wants that. I just want to know if I'm crazy or too selfish or something lol.

 

I talked with her about it and she seems to understand. I wonder if there are any female perspectives out there? Maybe in a few weeks we'll could try it again.

[wandj10 15]

You know I was thinking about it and we really don't have any rules. She's asked about certain things being OK, and maybe I just need to be more clear and set some boundaries so we can get back to having fun again.

 

I don't know if it's sulking either, mainly she feels really bad that I feel bad. She doesn't want to hurt me, so if I'm feeling bad then she gets sad. Basically by me admitting that something hurt me, hurts her.

[angelkin 1,326]

If in your shoes and my husband was doing the things you have described, we'd be stepping back...immediately. We had an issue once and after discussing it openly, so far it's not happened again.

 

So, as a female (you wanted a female perspective), I would be hurt, jealous and overall disenchanted with the lifestyle like you. I agree with many here that you need to take a break from swinging and get back to the two of you, alone. That means not even hanging out with your FWB couple in a vanilla way.

[Tia Vampire 167]

I do feel your fustration in this situation wandj10. Your wife seems not to be communicating her true feelings. From what you have written, she seems very comfortable with the MFM and with the male half of the other couple. Thats great and all, but she should not do it without your knowing. IMO she waits until you are occupied speaking with another couple, then goes off with the male half. That is not right.

Back when I was with my ex, we would play separately, but each of us would know who the other was with and where the other was. If I finished before him, I would go back out to the social area and wait for him no matter how long it took. He would also wait for me to finish. When he or I come out we would both talk about our experiences. It was fun and to hear him/me speak about what happened and it was a turn on too. If there was going to be another round, we would let each other know that too. If only one of us was going for another round, the other had permission to look for another partner or continue mingling.

Not every couple is going to be attracted to each other. Nor do every couple have their own bag of trick. Variety is what makes the life-style so fun. It's harder looking for couples that both you and your wife are attracted to. For us it was easier finding a single male for me and a single woman for him that we could go back to the same room and play with. Sometimes it ended up as a foursome. Did we play with couples? yes, we did. It's just harder finding an all around fit. We had to sit back and readjust a couple of times before reaching that point. It sounds like you guys need to do the same thing too. Stop going to the parties for about a month or two and just take the time to talk about what you both are really wanting to get out of the life-style. You both have to agree on the rules you set. If one is following the rules and the other is not. There are going to be problems in your life-style journey.

[km34 672]

I have to agree that this situation seems FULL of red flags.

 

If you two aren't wanting to take a complete break from the LS, have you tried going out JUST THE TWO OF YOU? My hubby and I try to make sure we take at least one weekend every month to do something just us, because it is important that we connect and do things as a couple and not as a foursome all the time.

 

Maybe your wife would stay more focused on you if there wasn't another male around that she already knows she's sexually compatible with and interested in. Also, maybe if you make sure SHE was interested in the couple too before starting to talk to them, she would be more supportive as well? Just an idea

[ALilOEverything 901]

It sounds like you two are totally out of sync and she's more in sync with someone else. It's definitely time for a break and take some time to reconnect and get on the same page. I would also put some distance in between you and this other couple. Once you two are reconnected and more in sync, I would then rediscuss what you both want from the lifestyle and a night out in a club and make sure you're both working together for the same goal.

[DigginIt 1,132]

You don't mention how much she is drinking at these events and I would be curious to know how much you think that is playing into the situation. My initial vibe is that she is way too much into the other guy. There could be nothing wrong with that other than that he is new or there could be everything wrong with that. Trust your gut.

 

Sex with someone new is intoxicating. It has so much more intensity to it because it is new but at the end of the night, the one thing between the two of us (wife and I) that remains constant is when we snuggle...it feels right. Nothing in our experiences has ever come close to that and while you should never say never, I think it's our measure by which we compare everything else too. Sounds silly but that's us.

 

My wife and I talk a lot about people we play with and as much as the sex is awesome...we love the relationship we have, the closeness, the communication. I think I can count on one hand the number of times we have been out of sync while playing in three years and it was our second date and it was me ... okay there was this one time when she switched to a new birth control pill that jacked up her emotions and that lasted like a couple weeks but it effected everything so I don't really count that.

 

The one thing that my wife and I are very good at is reinforcement. There is never any doubt in her mind where she is at on my priority list and vice versa ... and maybe that is what the two of you need to work on because she definitely isn't giving you that warm and fuzzy and if you don't have it, you are not going to enjoy yourself in the lifestyle.

 

It also seems that you two are on different wave lengths about meeting new people. You said she was picky but seems more like she isn't choosy but has already chosen and doesn't want to try what's behind door number 2. If you work it out and all is well then swing with the other wife when you two are out. I think there are some people that would love to swap wives and then swap wives, lol.

 

Either way, get it worked out before you go back to swinging. You are feeling slighted for sure and you need to feel that emotional comfort from her. It may not necessarily be a break you need but a nice long talk or you may need to get out of the lifestyle completely. That is something only the two of you can work out together.

 

I would also point out that you mentioned she said something like "great, something else I'm doing wrong." Maybe she feels she is constantly under judgement by you (and I don't know your relationship at all) but that is a heavy burden for someone to shoulder. Even if it's not justified, that's a statement that shouldn't go unresolved.

 

Good luck to you both and hope you get it worked out.

[shrevecouple 252]

 

 

I think there are some people that would love to swap wives and then swap wives, lol.

 

 

 

Seen it first hand (or is that second hand since it wasn't me.lol! )It happens.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Here's another female perspective on your situation.

 

I agree with everyone else that you really need to talk and get on the same page. This is a situation I could see happening to us because when I find a guy I like to be with, I like to do it again and again. I think your wife is just happy and comfortable with him and doesn't realize this is making you less happy about swinging.

 

I would set some guidelines or rules. When we play separate at the club we always ask each other first before we go back to the play area. Then no one gets lost. That is a bad feeling when you don't know if your spouse is playing without you or just in the bathroom or on the dance floor, especially in your club where evidently men are not allowed in the play area unaccompanied. If I were you I would make a rule that you both must ask before going to play with anyone if you want to continue to go to this club.

 

If there is an issue that she's drinking too much to make good decisions/follow rules, she obviously needs to stop drinking so much. Agree to limit to a specific number of drinks or no drinking at all while swinging.

 

We have had an issue of my husband feeling left out and then leaving abruptly. I'm not a mind reader, so I didn't know at the time how he was feeling. We had a long talk and decided that if he is feeling left out he needs to tell me out loud that he needs attention. You need to take the initiative to speak up and she needs to understand ahead of time that when you say, 'I need your attention." you mean it. She needs to stop what she's doing and go to you.

 

I would also discuss the issue of meeting new couples. Maybe agree that once a month you are going to stay together at the club and meet new people. That night you will either play by yourselves or with a new couple but not with your regular friends. Since you always play with them you should probably tell them your plan ahead of time so they don't feel bad. If the other husband knows this he should back off from your wife a little that night so it should be easier to connect with new people.

 

Good luck, I'd really like to hear how this situation progresses.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would agree with so many others that a break is definitely what you two need... and not just for two weeks. You need time to really regroup and make things about just the two of you. If you see other swingers socially keep it just social (no play). Focus on each other only.

 

While doing that talk A LOT about how you felt during different situations. Keep the key on feelings, not "you did this" but "I felt this" Before you decide to give the LS another try set some serious ground rules for the two of you. You may need to take several steps backwards with those ground rules in order for you to both be comfortable. It's possible that later you may extend the rules again but start out slow (as if you are starting out for the first time all over again).

 

I think sometimes when you get really comfortable with another couple it can really push the boundaries. and it sounds like you guys might have been pushing your way into a poly type relationship with this couple when you didn't really want it.

[wandj10 15]

That means not even hanging out with your FWB couple in a vanilla way.

 

Man, this would be very difficult. We're really good friends and hang out for maybe an hour or so almost every day or other day. Is there a specific reason hanging out in a vanilla way would be hurting things?

 

IMO she waits until you are occupied speaking with another couple, then goes off with the male half. That is not right.

Back when I was with my ex, we would play separately, but each of us would know who the other was with and where the other was...You both have to agree on the rules you set. If one is following the rules and the other is not.

 

I think that's the biggest thing right now. I feel like there's sneaking going on when I don't even know why that would be happening. I know M is really aggressive so she's probably just going with the flow and not knowing that it's bothering me. He has even told me before that if I'm doing something that's bothering me to let him know. So far I feel like it's more of a me and the wife issue.

 

I think the other thing is we really have no rules. She has asked, "If he wants to take me back and fuck, is that OK?" And I've more or less replied, "Well sure it is, why wouldn't it be?" but then I assumed that I would be somewhere around or even just getting into things. I'm the one that never clarified.

 

I have to agree that this situation seems FULL of red flags.

If you two aren't wanting to take a complete break from the LS, have you tried going out JUST THE TWO OF YOU? My hubby and I try to make sure we take at least one weekend every month to do something just us, because it is important that we connect and do things as a couple and not as a foursome all the time.

 

Right now a break is in order, I've got to sort this crap out in my head, plus it's super bowl weekend :P. One weekend they said they weren't going to go out (prior to drama) and I got pretty excited, they made other arrangements though so it fell through. Then one weekend we were going to go out, but my wife wasn't feeling it - and it was an emotional week so I don't think anything there. I haven't specifically asked, but I have brought up that'd I like a time to go out alone it just doesn't seem to have happened. I mean, I really like hanging with them, but these new feelings...

 

It sounds like you two are totally out of sync and she's more in sync with someone else. It's definitely time for a break and take some time to reconnect and get on the same page. I would also put some distance in between you and this other couple. Once you two are reconnected and more in sync, I would then rediscuss what you both want from the lifestyle

 

I can agree with this. I don't really think she's in sync more so with someone else, but I do feel a disconnect - for sure. I do wonder if she wants to play more alone and I want to be together, but I guess that's for us to talk about

 

You don't mention how much she is drinking at these events and I would be curious to know how much you think that is playing into the situation. My initial vibe is that she is way too much into the other guy. There could be nothing wrong with that other than that he is new or there could be everything wrong with that. Trust your gut.

 

Sex with someone new is intoxicating...The one thing that my wife and I are very good at is reinforcement. There is never any doubt in her mind where she is at on my priority list and vice versa ... and maybe that is what the two of you need to work on because she definitely isn't giving you that warm and fuzzy and if you don't have it, you are not going to enjoy yourself in the lifestyle.

 

It also seems that you two are on different wave lengths about meeting new people. You said she was picky but seems more like she isn't choosy but has already chosen and doesn't want to try what's behind door number 2. If you work it out and all is well then swing with the other wife when you two are out. I think there are some people that would love to swap wives and then swap wives, lol.

 

Either way, get it worked out before you go back to swinging. You are feeling slighted for sure and you need to feel that emotional comfort from her. It may not necessarily be a break you need but a nice long talk or you may need to get out of the lifestyle completely. That is something only the two of you can work out together.

 

I would also point out that you mentioned she said something like "great, something else I'm doing wrong." Maybe she feels she is constantly under judgement by you (and I don't know your relationship at all) but that is a heavy burden for someone to shoulder. Even if it's not justified, that's a statement that shouldn't go unresolved.

 

Great post, thanks. Actually since we've met this couple the drinking bit has come down with her and we've played sober a few times. For me though it's gone up. I never really thought about that, but before I'd just be the DD so drinking would be at a minimum for me. At parties though we do tend to get a bit lit up (not falling down drunk or something but just a good buzz), so maybe we should cool that too and see if there's a difference.

 

I've told her repeatedly that SHE isn't doing anything wrong, that I'm just expressing how certain things made me feel. If anything, and I've told her this, I feel like I'm the one doing something wrong.

 

I agree with everyone else that you really need to talk and get on the same page. This is a situation I could see happening to us because when I find a guy I like to be with, I like to do it again and again. I think your wife is just happy and comfortable with him and doesn't realize this is making you less happy about swinging.

 

I would set some guidelines or rules. When we play separate at the club we always ask each other first before we go back to the play area. Then no one gets lost. That is a bad feeling when you don't know if your spouse is playing without you or just in the bathroom or on the dance floor, especially in your club where evidently men are not allowed in the play area unaccompanied. If I were you I would make a rule that you both must ask before going to play with anyone if you want to continue to go to this club.

 

If there is an issue that she's drinking too much to make good decisions/follow rules, she obviously needs to stop drinking so much. Agree to limit to a specific number of drinks or no drinking at all while swinging.

 

We have had an issue of my husband feeling left out and then leaving abruptly. I'm not a mind reader, so I didn't know at the time how he was feeling. We had a long talk and decided that if he is feeling left out he needs to tell me out loud that he needs attention. You need to take the initiative to speak up and she needs to understand ahead of time that when you say, 'I need your attention." you mean it. She needs to stop what she's doing and go to you.

 

I would also discuss the issue of meeting new couples. Maybe agree that once a month you are going to stay together at the club and meet new people. That night you will either play by yourselves or with a new couple but not with your regular friends. Since you always play with them you should probably tell them your plan ahead of time so they don't feel bad. If the other husband knows this he should back off from your wife a little that night so it should be easier to connect with new people.

 

Another great post, thanks for your thoughts. We really don't have rules, I always thought they led to maybe not having as much fun and she doesn't have any rules for me. I think we need to rethink this though as lack of rules seems to be causing a problem for me. I just hope that my rules can still enable us to have a good time. I guess if they don't though, giving up the LS isn't the end of the world

 

I do agree that I need to make my needs known much earlier and much "louder". Typically I just stay quiet, and bury it, because I want her to have a good time I'm willing to throw myself under the bus. I'm being pretty stupid though because I'm sure my wife would be just fine if I said something - I know I would be, and have been in the past. I've stopped a few times midstream because my spidey sense went off and could have cared less.

 

I am really into finding new people. I do like playing with the same people (obviously lol) but finding someone new is really cool. I mean, I was actually excited that she sucked another dudes dick - yet somber that I was playing with a single girl and she was with M at the time and missed the whole thing. I wonder if I had been there what would have transpired . Finding single girls are fun don't get me wrong, but finding new friends to bang would be super awesome

 

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it. I wrote this with some trepidation but at least I don't feel like I'm crazy anymore and actually have a plan on how we can get back to having some fun. I welcome further ideas.

[Dont.Stop 339]

I think sometimes when you get really comfortable with another couple it can really push the boundaries. and it sounds like you guys might have been pushing your way into a poly type relationship with this couple when you didn't really want it.

 

I think Julie nails it here. We've been there, done that and have the t-shirt AND the bumper sticker. Good thing you both realize a step back is in your best interest. You're already on track to getting back in sync.

[Just Passing By 140]

As is the common theme , taking a break is never a bad thing.

 

Issue #1 : You need to communicate more. Communicate generally, before a particular evening , during the activities , and afterwards.

 

Issue #2 : What I'm picking up is that you are particularily orientated to same room activities. That's a popoular and valid preference. . Even if it weren't popular with others , it's still what seems to be best w/ you. When you start back up after your break , you should be in Same Room mode . New people , old friends , single guys , single girls , whatever , but both of you in same room.

 

If you both eventually communicate and decide to add SOME seperate play , still keep majority together.

[wandj10 15]

The one thing that my wife and I are very good at is reinforcement.

 

I was thinking about this today. I think I'm really good at doing this for her as she has pretty much zero jealousy issues. I'm constantly trying to make sure things are cool and that I'm never stepping over the line. And being very thankful when she lets me experience things. Is there something specific that you guys do? or say or something? Like how does the wife reinforce you, I guess is what I'm asking.

[wandj10 15]

Issue #1 : You need to communicate more. Communicate generally, before a particular evening , during the activities , and afterwards.

 

Issue #2 : What I'm picking up is that you are particularly orientated to same room activities.

 

I think you're right. I often feel like I'm beating a dead horse, but maybe that's just needed. I sometime brood on a subject but realize after talking about it it's really no big deal.

 

In the past I don't think I really cared about same room or not. I think right now I'm just starved. I feel like its been awhile since we've done something in the lifestyle together as strange as that sounds. Most of my recent recollections of great times are with F. That to me is a pretty big problem.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Is there something specific that you guys do? or say or something? Like how does the wife reinforce you, I guess is what I'm asking.

 

Before and after play it's communication plain and simple. Where it is most important, during encounters, it's part verbal, part eye contact, part body language, and as a whole it's a message that says..."I'm not so into what I'm doing that I forgot who I'm here with" that lets her know and I know that all is well.

 

It can range from the comical, such as a whisper in my ear saying how hot she finds me and how lucky she is to have a guy that loves her like I do and lets her have crazy sex with others to a wink at a well timed moment.

 

If you finish sex (assuming your not playing apart) and you look around wondering where your SO is because you never saw them get up to leave...your failing