When Feelings Develop?

[darmok 15]

What im wondering is what happens if your partner and someone else's partner start to have feelings for each other? Should they tell each other or just try to ignore it ? Has it happened to anyone here ?

[teknurse 18]

I would crush me and put a immediate end to our swinging.

It is not and never has been our intention to establish an emotional relationship with other couples.

We want to make friends and extend our physical relationship by including others.

[EternallySingle 32]

If I ever thought I was feeling more than lust for the female half of a couple I would stop seeing them and tell them that I didn't feel comfortable around them. The same if I felt one of them was spending too much time with me. I stopped seeing the only couple in my area that would see me because the husband and I started spending so much time doing guy things that his wife started complaining about feeling left out. Even when the three of us got together she said she felt like an outsider, or somebody we invited to entertain us.

 

So, it can go both ways. If you become too close to one member of a couple and start excluding the other, you run the risk of ruining their relationship and should back off.

[OhioCouple 41]

This is just my opinion.

 

I believe that people know when the fine line is crossed between lust and adoration, (not necessarily love). When that line is crossed between three or more people, someone (in that group) should be waking up and paying attention to it and putting an end to the entire swinging situation, whether it is for themselves or for the sake of the other parties.

[naughty A 23]

Originally posted by darmok

What im wondering is what happens if your partner and someone else's partner start to have feelings for each other? Should they tell each other or just try to ignore it ? Has it happened to anyone here ?

 

It's never happened to me but yes to friends...

 

I think it would be much better to be aware of it before it gets to that point and then you would, I hope, be able to keep the friendship.

 

I'd rather know, but can see how it would be difficult to tell one's partner... I wouldn't have any problem with my partner saying... I think things are getting more than friendly for me with ... blank... and I'd like to cool it for a bit. For myself, if I started to recognize that I had feelings for one of my swing partners...I'd probably call it quits with them before it progressed any farther.

[sky 15]

Am there and having problems. I was not looking for anything but sex, but more developed. What to do about it is a problem. It's easy to say break it off and forget it and I've tried that without sucess. Can you love two women at the same time? I did not think so but now I do. I love my wife deeply and we have a wonderful marriage but there is a different love that I feel for the other woman. She fills the voids that I was not aware I had before. We want no one to be hurt by this and both our partners think we are not communicating with each other any more. They both saw that we had feelings for each other and we tried to end the relationship. We have not accomplished that ending. My wife was soured on swinging by the feelings and says she will never do it again. I'm unsure that I want to honor that. I think that some times even when we don't set out to do so , feelings develope. After all, sex is highly emotional. As for what you should do, I think that if the feelings have not yet developed into love, break it off. If I knew what to do once the feelings developed into love, I would have the answer to my problem. Let me know what happens in your case. Good luck!

[darmok 15]

We don't have a situation yet as we are new and have never swapped before. I was just raising the questions to see if anyone had an answer. As I've said to my wife you can't help who you fall in love with. Maybe if one never starts the swapping they won't have to face the decision.

[naughty A 23]

Maybe if one never starts the swapping they wont have to face the decision.

 

the possibility is very very remote...

 

and if you don't get in your car, you'll never have an accident ... and if you don't go to work... you won't fall in love with a co-worker either ... but I'm really not saying this to pick on you ... or minimize your concern, I do understand ... I'm just trying to tell you how unlikely I believe it is. And I believe it is much much less than the other two possibilities I named.

 

... if you are aware of what is going on between your partner and yourself and have great communication between you...then how could you not be aware of feelings she might have for someone else? or vice versa...

 

I got to thinking about this afterwards ... and I take it back... you should only take the risks that you are willing to take... and if you don't want to accept THIS risk than you are right... you shouldn't start swinging in the first place... and I suppose no one thinks it will happen to them, right?.

[alabamafuntonig 20]

There was a case in New Hampshire a few years ago when this thing happened. It appeared the man of the other couple(x) fell in love with the women of the other couple. (Y) WELL THE HUBBY OF (Y) tried to talk to the man about the feelings that the hubby of(x) was feeling and it resulted in one of New Hampshire murders for the year. You see apparently the wife of (y) was also in love with (x) so this is a very sticky situation. My advice is that you severe the ties before they bind you.

[M&B 21]

Well, guess what. This happened to me.

 

First wife and I became very good friends with some neighbors. The 4 of us did not play. Three of us did, though. The other wife, mine and I.

 

The other's husband had already left the household and filed. He was basically out of the picture.

 

I should have questioned how easy it was to get into swinging.

 

Then, I started to hear about people in the neighborhood chipping their teeth about my wife and the other wife! Huh?

 

During this time, we were trying to conceive a child. She ended up having surgery. Concurrently, they planned a trip to Tahoe together. The surgery was successful, the trip was made, and they came back to announce that they were going to move to some little town by the coast with MY unborn child!

 

Well, after some yelling, tears, threats and real conversations, they did not move off, we got into counseling, the other tried suicide with a gun, and missed. We had one child and then another.

 

Today, they are a more or less happy couple. I went on to bigger and better things. And, my ex and I are best friends.

 

You know, just the run-of-the-mill, everyday, movie-of-the-week sort of stuff.

 

People have wondered why I am not more bitter in life. I tried it, it didn't suit me, so, I tried something else.

 

Now, I cook.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would say that if feelings start developing with a play friend then that is too far down the road to trouble. They need to stop seeing each other, completely.

[M&B 21]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

I would say that if feelings start developing with a play friend then that is too far down the road to trouble. They need to stop seeing each other, completely.

 

Sad thing is, they got so far down the road that she forgot her way back.

 

Bump in the road.

[jen 16]

I wouldn't want to be a person between two people who share love. How could I love myself if I were?

 

[M&B 21]

Quote

Originally posted by jen

I wouldn't want to be a person between two people who share love. How could I love myself if I were?

 

That's why I backed out of the picture.

[EternallySingle 32]

Quote

Originally posted by jen

I wouldn't want to be a person between two people who share love. How could I love myself if I were?

 

Same here. I asked a question on another site why more couples don't have close friendships (bbqs, camping, asking to watch the kids, etc) with the single males like they do with single females, then one couple did with me. After a while I noticed the husband hanging out with me a too much. I stopped seeing them altogether. Made life easier on everyone.

[fun_pairTX 26]

I have a bud, that confided in me that he was having serious feelings for the wife of a couple he and his wife were swinging with. I warned him off and he told me thanks but no thanks he was going to let things take their course. Not taking my advice on relationships is hardly a crime seeing I've been divorced 3x LOL so I didn't get pissed off at him, but I told him I was just going to shut my trap and say nothing further. Well 6 months down the road the gal and her husband are in counseling and getting things back together, and my bud's wife split and filed on him. It will come back to burn you for sure.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The thing is ... this sort of thing can happen whether or not swinging is involved. You basically take a risk anytime you have other friends that you invite into your lives.

[II IV FUN 15]

I am very worried about this... not for my husband, but for myself. We have been to a few swing clubs and now my husband wants to meet a "couple" in the area to swing with on a regular basis... Well - I am afraid of MYSELF... because I get attached to people very easily and WHAT IF I fall in love with someone? I am married with kids and love my husband very much. The swinging thing is just to implement some excitement into our sex life that we share, and have shared together, for over fifteen years. I am excited at the thought of meeting another couple and becoming friends/lovers with them. Is this the wrong outlook about swinging as a whole (to become friends/lovers with another couple)? I have a feeling that it is... the "love" part has to stay out of the picture... otherwise you might jeopardize the one thing that you set out to strengthen... your relationship with your husband/wife/full time partner. Does anyone have any insight on any of this?

[N&G 207]

This is something that you need to work out before getting involved. If you are unable to separate sex from emotion then maybe this kind of lifestyle is a poor choice for you. It is always possible to get emotionally involved with someone that you swing with but I think that normally there is less of a chance than at work or being attracted to the husband of one of your friends, etc.

 

Quote

Originally posted by II IV FUN

otherwise you might jeopardize the one thing that you set out to strengthen... your relationship with your husband/wife/full time partner.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Swinging is generally meant to be something in addition to a relationship that is already good to begin with. If your relationship needs strengthening, don't expect swinging to do it. Many times the result is the opposite.

[II IV FUN 15]

N & G ... Thank you for your response. What I meant by my comment is exactly what I said. I am hoping that swinging will help to strengthen marriage, which, I believe is already strong. BUT, like I had said... I am looking to add some excitement/some spice/some FUN to our lives. We are married... work 9 to 5 with kids... have a dog... blah, blah, blah. We are both looking to add some fun to our sex lives, otherwise we would continue to have the same "same 'ol", if you know what I mean. I don't think I am a highly sexual person.... but give me a drink or two and the prospect of having sex with someone new, male or female , and suddenly I am a sexual "dynamo"...LOL. Do you know what I mean now? I want to continue to have fun with my husband and share new experiences with him.

 

I am 35 and he is 45. We are both very secure and totally open with one another. Am I completely way off on this swinging thing or what? We are both looking forward to it.

[yawanna 17]

The original poster said they haven't swung yet but this is a concern ..... and honestly a valid one at that. I agree with Julie that if a couple splits or one gets attached/involved/in love with another...it wasn't swinging that caused it. It was inevitable in some venue or another.

 

This is mostly why we are So careful to get to know couples before we go further with them. They must be solid, rock hard, stable, no issues, problems, concerns in their relationship, be swinging for recreational only purposes, etc. etc. We don't need any fallout or drama.

 

Five years in this and I have seen TONS of just that kind of thing.... people running off with swinger partners. Oy!

 

Let's see...let me count the times... well.. I originally spent some time in a CA chat room and I saw 2 wives run off with single men....it came up in the chat room often and with enough detail that it was obvious what had happened.

 

Several couples I've known and still know of (we don't socialize any longer) have left their partners for a man/woman they swung with. We watch wives of couples chat up single guys in chat rooms during the day, while hubby is at work, and other couples say 'hey...maybe they CAN swing alone, maybe it works for them'. I have YET to see someone take some of the emotional and physical investment they need to keep with a primary partner, share it with a sex partner and have it NOT blow up and destroy relationships and families.

 

Tread carefully...

[N&G 207]

Hi II IV Fun,

 

Nancy and I have been in the lifestyle for a few years and have a lot of fun and excitement which I would suppose is the reason just about all of us do it. We are a little older, she is 50 and I am 56 with no kids at home so we have a lot more opportunity to have fun since we are not tied down as much. I can understand trying to get away from the "same 'ol" and swinging is a nice way to do it! I don't think the lifestyle has strengthened our relationship, it's just something we both enjoy doing. The only problem that I can see is if at some point one of us wants to get out of the lifestyle and the other is still having too much fun.

 

My concern was that you were worried about getting too emotionally involved and between that and jealousy tends to be a real relationship killer. We have various levels of friendship with our swing friends but even with the couple that we have the closest relationship with there is never a threat to either of our relationships. We can go away for a long weekend together but there is never a doubt that we will be returning home with our same partners.

[mrbandsatl 18]

This is a timely subject for us because we have seen two breakups over the last six months from this.

 

In both cases, these couples decided to swing in order to replace something they had lost from their marriage. Something we both believe is a HUGE mistake to begin with.

 

For us, I believe if we ever felt the slightest twinge, we would immediately stop seeing the person(s). It may even being an end to our activities.

 

But we do our best to avoid situations that my be conducive to developing feelings beyond lust. And it doesn't hurt that after 16 years of marriage, we still feel like newlyweds.

[2New2it 19]

Swinging is not the seed of discontent, but it can certainly be the catalyst that sprouts and nourishes the seed.

 

If you are looking for outside sex to replace what you have in marriage, it can become a problem. In our case, it's strictly entertainment. We would both walk away from any playmate who looked like they could be a threat to our relationship.

 

That said, my wife has very strong feelings for her young lover, but we selected him because he would never become competition for me, nor would he be able to offer her things I could not.

 

I believe in polyamory to the degree that you can love more than one person, but it's not for everyone and I could never live in a situation where I was sharing time with her on a 50-50 basis.

[smiley 15]

This was never a concern for me until recently. My dh and I met a couple at a club and he and she almost immediately formed a close friendship. We have been in the lifestyle for a year and this has never happened and I have to say I felt threatened. He has said that they are just friends and that she loves her husband and he loves me. I guess what really concerned me was that they were always talking on messenger and the few times we were at the club, he and she were very involved. He and she have been together in a group setting and, truthfully, this was difficult for me. I have thoroughly enjoyed the lifestyle until this episode. I like both her and her husband but I have to say, I am not comfortable with the closeness of the friendship.

[yawanna 17]

I hope that you have told 'dh' how you feel.

[smiley 15]

Hi Yawanna, yes I have told him. I believe we are working things out. We still have a lot to learn and I just don't want to turn a blind eye if something makes me uncomfortable and he agrees. We are in this together and I hope this one instance won't tarnish the whole lifestyle for us. I don't want to be paranoid, but then...I don't want to lose my spouse.

[yawanna 17]

If that behaviour gets nipped in the bud.. you won't

 

My husband often gets msned by the women, and I often get msned by the men, of couples we have met or are thinking of meeting. We both tell the others... we are telling each other everything and saving the chats to share with each other later.

 

Now, with that said...men can be kinda dense occasionally... I remember one woman messaging my husband and he told and showed me their conversations, and I told him....she's after you. He was all 'nnaaaahhhh!!! really?? naaaaahhh!! me?? naaaahhh'.

 

Well guess what kids... she was. Married and all.

 

Women.. we KNOW when another woman is making a move. Trust your instincts. Go with that. Tell him.. Hands Off Her. Move along.

 

You have to be dead happy in this and any encounters and it can be fun and fulfilling and a great time.. for you and your husband most importantly. Something feels funny or not right? Walk. Talk. Try again with someone else.

 

Never never feel you have to go along with anything. Your feelings are your own..you don't have to explain them or justify them.. you can, however, explore them in the safety and comfort of your partner..just the 2 of you.

[LadyCleo 16]

Quote

Originally posted by darmok

Maybe if one never starts the swapping they wont have to face the decision.

 

I think that is an easy thing to say, but not quite realistic. There are TONS of places you can meet someone and fall in love. On the internet, at work, at school, at church, etc.

 

I think that the best way to keep from falling in love with someone else is to really work at being in love with your spouse. If you find that someone else is filling a void in your marriage. S T O P! Tell your spouse that you have this particular void and BOTH of you must work to fill it.

 

I really think that you can help who you fall in love with. You need to choose everyday to be in love with your spouse. And then work it.

 

Also, one thing that my husband and I employ is veto power. If one of us says no, that's it. It's over. I would like to say no questions asked, but that's not really the case. But there is never a reversal in the decision.

 

Good luck to you all!

[smiley 15]

Thanks Yawanna and Lady Cleo. I was beginning to think I was nuts, but I knew what I felt and I would rather change things now before it goes any further. It's good to have a sounding board out here.

[angihay 15]

Hello all! I have actually been in a situation similiar to the question posed. Our mfm partner started developing feelings for me that were more then like! He started acting like I was his girlfriend everywhere we went no matter who was around. This caused problems for both me and my husband. We broke of the relationship do to this. It causes problems for anyone and usually heartbreak for one. I feel that some feelings are ok but all involved need to know what lines NOT to cross. Noone is planning on leaving anyone else and this is only friendship with benefits!

[Fire_and_Air 17]

This happened to us. We met a couple who later began fighting with each other. The female of the couple began calling my fiance all the time, while the male of the couple began emailing me and asking to spend time alone with me. At first we tried ignoring it, figuring that they were just going through a rough spell and we would "be there" for them for the sake of friendship... but when we tried playing together and found that the two of them were primarily interested in playing with anyone else except each other, it just wasn't fun anymore. There were times when we even began questioning our own committment to each other because we were still keeping in touch with the separate halves of the couple. Now we've learned not to get involved with anyone unless they have rock solid relationships to begin with, and we'll only play TOGETHER if both of us are equally happy with the other partners. For us, swinging is always about togetherness and equal sharing... not about a person or person(s) seeking one partner over another.