Some Advice on what to do.

[candycane3 15]

Hi everyone. Semi-Newbie couple here, however been reading this site for a year now. Thought I would ask some advice if possible. Kind of a new couple at swinging, (limited experience, a few full swaps, couples only, etc) and have plans made for this weekend with another couple. Here is the issue. Not sure if we want to play with them or not. We have made and paid for reservations, etc. (rather expensive ones at that) and been talking with this couple a lot. Everything seems to click right now, but for some reason, I (the Mr.) and not feeling too much towards the other (the other Mrs.) but everyone else is. We are meeting for dinner first, but we got a big two room suite and I know after a few drinks anything is bound to happen. My question is, should I even attempt to go when I already have a preconceived bad feeling about this one? or maybe go and tell them at dinner we can do things with our own partners or what? Any advice would be great. I hate to just up an cancel at the last minute because so many plans have been made, but I really don't want to end up taking one for the team. I am sure however my wife would have a great time and I do like the other Mr. personality, (which is rare, as we usually end up with pushy couples) but I am just not feeling it. The closer it gets the more I learn about her, the worse it gets. Anyone ran into this before? Thanks for reading my long question...

[slevin 1,374]

I would suggest going and making sure that they know there is no guarantee that you will play. Go with no expectations except for having dinner/drinks. If you're feeling like playing, then over dinner invite them upstairs. If not, then bid them goodnight and go upstairs by yourselves and have fun alone

[junglecouple 127]

Slevin is absolutely on target.. IF you change your mind, you can always ring that bell, but if you still feel the same way during dinner... just hang it up and walk away.. you can't "unring" the bell.. save it for another time...

[candycane3 15]

Yes, that is a good analogy and advice. I would rather ring the bell than deal with the issue after the fact. I do however hate this OBLIGATED feeling I have since so many plans have been made. The fact we are sharing a two room hotel room might make for a long night however since it is quite far away. I guess I could just get another room if things don't work.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

The closer it gets the more I learn about her, the worse it gets.

 

What types of things are you learning about her that are causing you to rethink this?

[cocpl2007 170]

Been there,done that, Candycane3. And have the regrets! In retrospect I should have called a halt to the festivities before we... spent the money, felt... well, we'd already spent the money, the three of them are just fine with everything... nope! If the opportunity ever presents itself again, I'd put the brakes on. The main theme to couples play is always if anybody says "no" then it stops. We are so programmed for this to be the ladies option, but in our experience it takes all four!

 

You asked for the experiences of others... hope this helps

 

CoCpl

[candycane3 15]

What types of things are you learning about her that are causing you to rethink this?

 

Well, the more we talk and the closer it gets, the sexual likes and dislikes have spawned off from what we originally were told, well just more in detail I guess. Her wants and desires are far different from what I am even comfortable with and although I am sure I can get around doing some of the stuff she wants done, the attraction has been lost some. I just have some things to ponder and I really need to discuss this in detail with my wife (well I guess I just did since she read it, lol) but I would rather halt things and piss them off than not and piss off myself. I have to live with myself.

[lustylearning 705]

Don't be afraid to say, "Not feeling it." And maybe don't put up the money for a hotel and lock yourself into a shared suite again, unless you're pretty confident it will be a good experience.

 

The situation you describe is the main reason why hubby and I used to enjoy the swinger club scene - you meet, you match, you can play if you wish. If you meet and don't match, there are other people to meet or other things to do and no awkward, "obligated" feelings.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Just to clarify, is this dinner and a one-night hotel thing?

[candycane3 15]

Just to clarify, is this dinner and a one-night hotel thing?

 

Yes two, and we now know better for next time to make it a two part deal. Kind of late for that now.....

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Well, you have to do what you think is right for the two of you.

 

You can let them know you are having second thoughts, and ask if just having dinner would be OK. You can call the whole thing off. Or you can go through with the weekend.

 

Tough spot to be in, but I'm sure you'll make it through no matter the choice, and you'l take away some new knowledge from this and not repeat the same error going forward.

 

 

Good luck!

[Alura 2,774]

We gain more valuable education from our mistakes than from our coups.

 

Alura

[allaboutthemrs 84]

but I would rather halt things and piss them off than not and piss off myself. I have to live with myself.[/QUO

 

 

I whole-heartedly agree with your approach.

 

In business (issuing credit, etc.) or with friends and family (asking to borrow money, car, lawn-mower, etc) I've had much more success with the attitude "I'd much rather you be mad at me than me mad at you." I realize swinging may seem much different but your principles must be the same: if it doesn't feel right then don't do it!

 

The problem as I see it is if someone gets mad at me for saying no to any of the above (or other) mentioned issues I stand a good chance of repairing that since I'm not the one that exposed myself to negative emotions. However if I go through with something I felt I shouldn't and then for whatever reason (I feel cheated, etc.) I end up mad at them (AND MAD AT MYSELF) and then the relationship is harder for me to ever get it back to where it was.

 

Also I'd rather the other person lose sleep being mad at me for saying no than me lose sleep for being mad at them and myself.

 

And you know, I have been told no before and usually got over that pretty easy.

[Alura 2,774]

As a bit of "Mr. Alura's Swinger Politeness" (If you cancel.) you might offer to cover all the costs of the hotel room.

 

For sure, Mrs. Alura and I would have delivered an enthusiastic "Test Fuck," just to learn what they're like in bed. "It's sex," she once said, "How bad can it be?" It never failed to be fun, especially when we crawled into bed together after the party. A few times we chose not to "party" with them again but we never felt the evening had been wasted.

 

Alura

[candycane3 15]

Well we are headed that way just to see how dinner goes. I am not canceling but I have already told them that if things don't go well, I am going to pull the plug. Live and Learn they say. I will let you know how it goes and sure do appreciate the help.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with that game plan. I think that might even be the way we would have handled the same situation.

 

Best of luck to both of you, and let us know how things work out.

[candycane3 15]

Well, it was a bust but wife and I made the best of it as much as we could. We learned a valuable lesson and although it was not a good experience, we have come away from it smarter. Thanks for all the advice.

[Alura 2,774]

Well, it was a bust but wife and I made the best of it as much as we could. We learned a valuable lesson and although it was not a good experience, we have come away from it smarter. Thanks for all the advice.

 

You can't skate that easily! What lesson did you learn? Why was it not a good experience?

 

What happened?

 

Alura

[candycane3 15]

You can't skate that easily! What lesson did you learn? Why was it not a good experience?

 

What happened?

 

Alura

 

Lol. Well we showed up and it was just not comfortable from the start. Their photos on their profile were a little dated however they were who they appeared to be. Great people, just not a good scene. Dinner was not private at all. Hard to get to know one another when there are 200 people in an open environment. The mrs. just did not click at all with the mr. and they kept discussing their bad experiences. Our personalities just did not mesh. When we returned, my mrs. just said she was not comfortable and we left. It was a lesson learned and we now know never to put us in that atmosphere again. Therefore, we adopted the rule to never play with anyone on the first meet. Just the expectation and obligation was a let down for all parties. Ended up at a hotel with my mrs. and then a vanilla bar where it is hard to have the kind of fun we enjoy. Overall, a great lesson learned.

Again, thanks for all the advice.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

There seem to be different approaches and different emphases in the LS. Some couples are focused purely on the physical pleasure, others need/value the social aspects. We're in that latter group, and sounds like you are as well. We think a first date should be just that, a first date getting to know the other couple. No plans, no expectations, just a pleasant drink or dinner.

 

It's worth asking yourselves what makes you most comfortable proceeding. For us, we like a few social dates to see how we click. We never feel rushed, because it's supposed to be fun, unpressured and a journey--at least that's the way we see it. Sure, some couples want to run faster. That's okay, there are plenty of potential matches. People who you want to spend time with should want to spend time with you at a pace that everyone is comfortable with. That way, fantasy and reality are in some sort of synchrony.

[lizandtom 512]

Just coming into this way late, but if there's anything we can add out of experience, it's that sites and pictures and even voice chatting before hand means nothing. It all comes down to body language.

 

It looks like you'all put way too much stress on the playing part to begin with, before even meeting.

 

I also disagree about many saying no playing on first dates. That's a case by case situation. We play with strangers most of the time, as long as they're reasonable and normal people. Sometimes there's repeats, many times we all gave it a try, but it just wasn't a great fit, so we all move on; nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

You may have this plan already, but I'd suggest that making the first date in an easy to talk and easy to escape (if necessary) venue. We believe coffee shops that offer areas that are a little more private were made for couples to meet for the first time.

 

Best of luck in your future pursuits.

[elizasnew 16]

If this helps in the future... we start off any new conversation with couples ...and it's written on every one of our profiles "NO EXPECTATIONS....NO DISAPPOINTMENTS" ....

[rounder 17]

Well, at least the gerbil survived.

 

(you did say that the other mrs. had some desires that made you uncomfortable)

[MN Tom 251]

Well, it sounds like you had a nice learning experience.

 

Personally what we did is never pre commit to something (especially expensive plans) when you haven't really met and tested the chemistry yet.

 

With that said, my view was like Alura's. What I always said was "I'm here to find the fun in people, everyone has some". And with that said, I did. I can look back and say I don't regret any of the playtimes I had. Keep in mind though that I turned down more playtimes than I accepted. My view was to socialize and see how it went. And if I wasn't feeling it, I didn't do what I didn't want to do. Sometimes I stopped at kissing, sometimes not. Heck I had a few times where I just gave oral to a gal and got her happy and ended it there, with no reciprocation happening at all.

 

Was that what I planned? No. Was it fun? Yes

 

 

Now, I have to say my wife didn't have the same success rate with her experiences. She had a few that she regretted. And she learned that it was because she wasn't being honest with herself, and pushed herself to do something that she didn't feel like doing.

 

 

Just do what you want to do, and be honest with the others involved.

[hughb 45]

I tend to go with MN Tom's flow. I (Mr.) have felt like there were a few experiences where Mrs. hughb got the short end of the stick (no pun intended) just due to the fact that frequently the chick is the hotter of the couple and Mrs. hughb and I are roughly equal hawtness.

 

Like Alura said there is always SOME fun or beauty in everyone. And I pride myself on being able to find and enjoy it. I would welcome Mrs. hughb experiencing the cuter of the pair for a change because I feel like I have benefited more on that issue than she.