Not sure what to do? (Unsatisfied with sex life)

[calinewbies 16]

My partner and I have been together for a year and 9 months, we started swinging last July. When we first started things seemed to be great. Before that our sex life wasn't that great..ie...we really didn't have sex that much even after telling him I wanted it more, which didn't fix what I needed from him, and when we did it wasn't all that, I was most of the time left unsatisfied. In the beginning of swinging we where having alot of fun but it started getting overwhelming for me and I asked if we could slow it down a little. He kind of freaked out and said why would I give something to him and take it away, that it wasn't fare. I forced the slowing down to an almost stop as I was feeling he was being selfish and not thinking of me. We have done a little here and there but not the amount he would like to be doing.

 

Fast forward to today.....I am feeling even more unsatisfied. Our sex life has almost come to a complete halt, and no matter how much we talk/argue about it nothing changes. He tells me this is just how he is, but what I don't get is that he always wants to swing and he masterbates/looks to porn on a daily basis. When this arguing starts he always brings up his needs (swinging) and how I am not meeting his needs. But how can I meet this need when I don't feel like he is meeting my need to be connected to him through our own sex life. I have got to the point that I have shut down my emotions and feelings. I have become cold and mechanical I have no urge to even have sex at all whether it be with him or anyone else. When love/sex scenes come on tv I cringe. I am at my whits end. Sometimes I think maybe if we went back to swinging full on that things would change but that just doesn't seem right. I know I will not go back to swinging until something changes cuz I know it will just make matters worse for me. I told him I was thinking about going to therapy or a councilor so I had someone to talk to about my problems and all he could say was that it was up to me.....

 

I could really use some advice and maybe if anyone knew of a therapist or councilor in the southern California area that was lifestyle friendly....I just need someone to talk to since he basically doesn't want me talking to him about "MY" problems, as he calls it.

[doug39 80]

This is an easy one.

 

He would rather jack off to porn or bang other women while swinging than be with you sexually.

 

This is because he is not into you sexually.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I have to say I agree with Doug. You have tried talking frankly with him and it hasn't helped. Sex has never been good between the two of you, and he really doesn't care. I would move on so you can find the compatibility you deserve.

 

To me it doesn't seem like counseling would help the two of you, but perhaps seeing a counselor after you leave him would help prepare you for your next relationship.

[tribbles 490]

Look for a GLBT counselor. They are amazingly open minded.

 

Or I know I liked years ago in Vista. Look up Linda Savage

[angelkin 1,326]

You deserve to be satisfied sexually and emotionally in a relationship. It is clear you're not getting what you need from your significant other and that while you care about him he is not showing he cares for you. I agree with the others, it may be time to move on. Life is too short for compromises that are so severe - sometimes being alone is better than being with someone who is unwilling to meet your needs and consider your feelings.

[junglecouple 127]

angelkin said:

You deserve to be satisfied sexually and emotionally in a relationship. It is clear you're not getting what you need from your significant other and that while you care about him he is not showing he cares for you. I agree with the others, it may be time to move on. Life is too short for compromises that are so severe - sometimes being alone is better than being with someone who is unwilling to meet your needs and consider your feelings.

 

Frankly, you should ignore ALL of this advice. It's your life and you don't need advice from a bunch of swinger board "experts" on relationships.

Not to knock my friends here, but your issues are bigger than this board and I'm pretty sure that no one here is actually qualified to do justice to your issue.

 

If there IS a Psychologist on here, a professional wouldn't even touch this problem on a discussion board. If your mate isn't making you happy FOR ANY REASON, you need to find someone that actually has more than anecdotal advice!

 

You're at the stage in a new relationship (2 yrs +-) that problems can show up.. get the proper advice from a professional.. well, not a hooker or escort, but at least a degree in relational skills. Good luck.. hope you work it out.

[slevin 1,374]

Frankly, you should ignore ALL of this advice. It's your life and you don't need advice from a bunch of swinger board "experts" on relationships.

Not to knock my friends here, but your issues are bigger than this board and I'm pretty sure that no one here is actually qualified to do justice to your issue.

If there IS a Psychologist on here, a professional wouldn't even touch this problem on a discussion board. If your mate isn't making you happy FOR ANY REASON, you need to find someone that actually has more than anecdotal advice!

You're at the stage in a new relationship (2 yrs +-) that problems can show up.. get the proper advice from a professional.. well, not a hooker or escort, but at least a degree in relational skills. Good luck.. hope you work it out.

 

Getting help from a professional is always a good idea. Getting outside opinions from people who have lots of experience in swinging and relationships is also a good place to start. I don't think many here are advocating making major life changes purely on a few lines of text here. That doesn't mean those few lines of text can't help.

 

I think most people coming here are smart enough to be able to take the advice given by folks here and assess it for their own situation. Not every piece is going to be totally applicable, but it may start someone evaluating a new line of thought that hadnt occurred to them.

 

That said, if the sex life has been this way from the start, even prior to swinging, and this isn't a new development, then it's unlikely to change.

[twistedpretzels 100]

Yes, sorry for your pain-- counseling would do a world of good. I am sure you are wonderful and sexy with right partners.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I would hope that any person that starts a thread asking for relationship advice already understands that it's a caveat emptor situation, and they are getting what they pay for.

 

Many people that post with relationship problems aren't looking for specific advice, but are just wanting to have their voice heard. The feedback received isn't so much about the advice, but an acknowledgement that someone cares enough to listen and validate their thoughts and concerns.

 

That being said, it sounds like tribbles has stepped up with a name for the OP to start with. If that doesn't work out, here's another resource that may help.

 

Best of luck to the OP.

[CuriousNJCouple 38]

I am a big advocate of talking to a counselor. You will want to start out looking into coping skills, but the bigger part is getting your SO to go as well. Any counseling you go to has the potential to help you, but until he at least goes with you to see someone, the relationship may still have major issues. It took me almost 18 years of marriage to convince my wife to go to counseling with me, but it has helped tremendously. And it may not be that he's not into you. It can be a psychological issue from something in his past. My wife's issues were from her past (her ex to be more precise). And parts of our issues were me too. It's worth seeing someone about it. Just don't beat yourself up over it. Try not to beat him either. Therapy can really help.

 

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[Alura 2,773]

In my entire life, I've only met one "counselor" who wasn't nuts and he was a member of this board... and I've never met a drug counselor who didn't smoke pot.

 

[rainbowskye 102]

I am a big advocate for counseling . Specifically a Glbt counselor . They generally see a variety of relationship and sexual issues and tend to be more understanding.

 

If a relationship starts out with little to no sex on a regular basis, unless you get to the true root of the problem it won't change.

 

You just have to be prepared to make the decision that puts you first. Easier said than done, I know.

 

A relationship is about meeting one another's needs. It should be a two way street.

 

I really wish you the best of luck.

[doug39 80]

Why waste time and money on concelling?

 

They haven't been together that long, apparently this guy isn't into this woman that much and is probably staying in this relationship for other reasons.

 

Maybe he is broke and she has a job. Maybe he is insecure and figures someone is better than no one.

 

If this woman is begging for more sex and he would rather jerk off everyday than he is NOT ATTACTED TO HER and no conselor is going to fix that.

[CuriousNJCouple 38]

My wife and I have been through years of no sex and periods where she cheated, to boot. If a good counselor could help us, a good counselor could help them too. A good one would need to be accepting of the life style to really help. We had one counselor, early on, who felt that sex was irrelevant to a relationship. That counselor did more harm than good, but there are many out there who are good and can really help!

 

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[calinewbies 16]

I want to thank every one for there input. I have noticed that some of you are concerned that I would whole heartedly take advice from this message board and possible make a wrong move, I can assure you this would not happen. Two4youinswva nailed it on the head when he said I was looking for someone and somewhere to be able to voice what I am going through and to get some compassion in my situation. I have no one in my life that I can talk to in this way, the friends I do have are his and when I have attempted to confide in one of the wives that knew of our lifestyle and was ok with it, it got back to him and he threw a fit because he didn't want his friends to know we are having problems. So in my situation I resort to messages boards to get some relief of the stress by being able to get some of this off my chest.

 

I know that I am wanting to go to counciling regardless if he wants to go, I know this relationship has caused damage that will not easily just go away whether we stay together or not. At this point I do not know what I am going to do.....I have almost come to the point of giving him an ultimatum that he needs to step up and be the man I need him to be or we need to part ways.

 

If this decision is made to leave it will not be an easy one. Even though we don't seem to be emotionally or physically connected, we have alot of fun together and have alot of things in common. We support each other in everyday matters like any normal couple, we both contribute to our household both financially and otherwise...basically we are like any other average couple in this way....This will be greatly missed.

 

Thank you again for all the advice. I really do enjoy reading and following the posts on this board and plan to stick around whether I am single or in a relationship, as I hope one day to be able to be back in the swingers lifestyle, but for now I know I need to take care of myself.

[rainbowskye 102]

I want to thank every one for there input. I have noticed that some of you are concerned that I would whole heartedly take advice from this message board and possible make a wrong move, I can assure you this would not happen. Two4youinswva nailed it on the head when he said I was looking for someone and somewhere to be able to voice what I am going through and to get some compassion in my situation. I have no one in my life that I can talk to in this way, the friends I do have are his and when I have attempted to confide in one of the wives that knew of our lifestyle and was ok with it, it got back to him and he threw a fit because he didn't want his friends to know we are having problems. So in my situation I resort to messages boards to get some relief of the stress by being able to get some of this off my chest.

 

I know that I am wanting to go to counciling regardless if he wants to go, I know this relationship has caused damage that will not easily just go away whether we stay together or not. At this point I do not know what I am going to do.....I have almost come to the point of giving him an ultimatum that he needs to step up and be the man I need him to be or we need to part ways.

 

If this decision is made to leave it will not be an easy one. Even though we don't seem to be emotionally or physically connected, we have alot of fun together and have alot of things in common. We support each other in everyday matters like any normal couple, we both contribute to our household both financially and otherwise...basically we are like any other average couple in this way....This will be greatly missed.

 

Thank you again for all the advice. I really do enjoy reading and following the posts on this board and plan to stick around whether I am single or in a relationship, as I hope one day to be able to be back in the swingers lifestyle, but for now I know I need to take care of myself.

 

I commend you for putting yourself first. Sometimes that's what you gotta do to get yourself where you desire to be. Being in a spot where you are willing to accept counseling with or without him shows you are on a good path.

 

Sometimes parting ways is not easy but is necessary . Focus on you and if you need a shoulder you can always pm me. I am a good listener and sometimes getting it all out is the hardest part as it means you are facing the problem head on instead of avoiding it.