How Much Is Too Much?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Okay, this has nothing to do with actually "playing" so it'll probably be boring to those wanting juicy, detailed sex stories but this is my question...

 

How much communication should you have with the other couple that you are playing with? As in, emailing, texting, calling? Is there a point where there's too much? Talking about everyday topics and flirting? We really (and I mean really) lucked out with our first couple that has provided many firsts for us. First full swap, first threesome (MFM) and hopefully, our first FMF threesome in the future when schedules are opened up.

 

All of us our similar in age, have children similar in age, and live less than 5 minutes away from each other!! (I still can't get over how coincidental it all is!) We went out for dancing and playtime last night and we all clicked personality-wise and in bed. I'm ambivalent about the "friends-first" thing before playing because it's so hard to find that 4-way attraction to begin with...why kill it with getting to know them so intimately before playing? So, we were very happy to learn that we could also just enjoy sitting and talking with them in between dancing.

 

Mr. Sunbuckus and I do not really have a lot of friends and we have found through all of this that the relationships we have with our very few vanilla friends is not really a strong bond. I would love, love, love to be good friends with this couple, hang out, and play. I know I could be pushing our luck as it is but I did email them about being friends in and out of bed. I am awaiting their reply and I don't mind if they'd rather just be playmates. I do understand that as well.

 

I guess I'm worried about stepping on toes if we text/email too much. Do you just text/email when you're interested in playing sometime soon? Or is it okay to randomly ask how their day has been?

[Lionheart72 2,191]

This is really no different from the whole "How soon after the date can I call him/her? If I call him/her now, is it too soon? What if I don't call soon enough? What if I'm calling too much? What if I'm not calling enough?" debate everyone goes through at least once in their lives.

 

My advice, take a deep breath and let them get back to you.

[twistedpretzels 100]

i'm excited to hear what some of our experienced folks have to say about this, but I am excited for your opportunity!

[sunbuckus 3,569]

This is really no different from the whole "How soon after the date can I call him/her? If I call him/her now, is it too soon? What if I don't call soon enough? What if I'm calling too much? What if I'm not calling enough?" debate everyone goes through at least once in their lives.

 

My advice, take a deep breath and let them get back to you.

 

lol, this is kind of true although it's not exactly what I meant. I don't really care if we're contacting the other couple too early or not. We're enthusiastic and I want that to show that we're really into them.

 

I guess it's more about what each couple is looking for in the LS. Some want friends, some just want playmates and nothing more. When we were brand spanking new with no experience, I thought we needed to be friends first. That went away fairly quickly. Right now, as long as someone is attracted to us and us them, let's play! But since we would love to have more like minded friends that have a lot of things in common, I can't see the harm in seeing if the other couple wants the same.

 

I'm just worried if texting the spouse about how I'd love to play with him again soon (or in a more detailed fashion) might offend or create unneeded jealousy. I like to tease through written word and in bed so it's not like it would be soon in the literal sense...just kind of a "Hey, just a little snippet to make you as horny as I am" kind of a thing. Does that make sense?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

i'm excited to hear what some of our experienced folks have to say about this, but I am excited for your opportunity!

 

Thanks, twistedpretzels. I'm excited, too, as if you couldn't tell. lol

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I will not pretend to speak for anybody but my wife and I. We seem to have settled into a pattern. Initial encounters are casual. We seem to no longer be engaging in extensive discussions before agreeing to get into the act. As an example, a recent encounter with new acquaintances went from initial eye contact to bedroom contact within sixty minutes. We have sent out an invitation for a follow-up meeting but we realize we might see these people again, we might not. if yes, good. If no, good, we will have the memory of a great time.

 

Some of these casual encounters have grown into real friendship. When this happens all four people sense it even before any one of us speaks it. It feels good inside and out. Very little worry involved in any stage of the process.

 

~Michael

 

Post Script -- texting happens, plenty of it for the people who are comfortable with it, very little with the friends who seem not to get much out of it. Somehow we can sense this, usually without asking. If you send a couple of text messages and do not receive a warm response, send no more text messages. It does not mean the friendship is at it's end. It just means no texting.

[rainbowskye 102]

I think it varies by couple.

 

One couple I play with we developed friendship after we played together and we do text and email and are fb friends. We know when to keep it vanilla and when not to. We don't text everyday but we do check in with one another . We are all the same age.

 

Now a slightly older couple I play with on occasion we keep it casual and email only to see if we are up for drinks and fun. That works for us.

 

I really think it is all about what works for you and what you and the other couple are comfortable with. Only you guys will know what that looks like.

[exploringRM 305]

Both my wife and I have contact with some of our play partners via facebook, swing sites and/or phone texts. These are with play partners that we have become friends with. We see a number of our swing friends on a social level, out to see a band, or visit a winery and have even traveled with some. For the most part the texts are just chit chat, or making plans for an upcoming weekend or perhaps helping out with something. We are not comfortable when the texts turn into more, romantic is not the right word; perhaps intimate.

[DigginIt 1,132]

We have a couple that we sext with all the time. My wife reads my threads, I read hers. It's all part of the fun.

 

Another couple, only the wives communicate between get togethers.

 

It really depends on the couple, their boundaries and yours. Just because you are one way with a couple, doesn't mean it will be the same with the next.

 

We will basically tell our couple, hey, we love dirty texts. Flirts as often as you two are comfortable. Then we gauge our responses appropriately.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Thanks guys, after reading the replies and thinking about it, I guess it would just depend on each couple. I'm sure that we will come across other couples where we aren't interested in getting to know them any further than bedroom antics. Right now, I think there are two other couples we might be interested in playing with but at the moment, I don't feel any need to know too much about them other than if the wife-counterpart is interested in playing with us, too.

[shrevecouple 252]

This is definitely a "what each couple is into" kind of thing. I have no interest in sexting and getting a playmate horny outside of playtime.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I think it's very individual for each of the couples we play with. Some we have more contact with than others and it depends on how we click.

 

We played with three couples last Saturday night. One couple we have regular (once or twice weekly) contact with because we do very well with the out of the bedroom as friends and they live VERY CLOSE. We've been regular play friends for just over a year. We never do any sexting but communicate just long enough to set up our next visit (vanilla or not so vanilla). A second couple we were with we've never played with and don't know well. We always say hi at parties but have barely had conversations and we've "known" them for well over two years. We had a brief conversation Saturday night and it didn't take long to know it would be the night we would play. The third couple we only know long enough to shake hands in the lobby, didn't get names until the eight of us were back in the room.

 

After it was all said and done? Haven't heard from the first couple and won't until it's time to get together again. SLS email from both the other couples saying thanks for the great night and see you the next party. No phone numbers, no more contact expected. This is just how I like it! We're now back to our regularly scheduled lives and other than surfing the boards and checking sls we don't have much to do with the lifestyle until the next party.

 

To answer you question I think distance has a lot to do with it. We have two local couples who can stop by really easy and we can be impulsive. Those we don't mind hearing from more frequently. I still don't want to hear from them more than a couple times a week unless it's setting something up. I've found that too frequent of communication burns the friendship out too quickly but once a week lets each other know you're still interested and to touch base to make plans.

 

Long distance play friends? I don't mind a text out of the blue here and there but for the most part I'll see them at the next social. I'm not into sexting, cybersex or anything else of the like. The only person I want to turn me on in the mean time is my husband.

 

You'll find communication with fall into place with time and you'll find a nice medium between you and the other couple. If you think you could truly be friends out of the bedroom then tell them you think you're compatible like that. In my experience couples with more experience have far less communication than those who are starting out, even if a friendship is blooming.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I think it's very individual for each of the couples we play with. Some we have more contact with than others and it depends on how we click.

 

To answer you question I think distance has a lot to do with it. We have two local couples who can stop by really easy and we can be impulsive. Those we don't mind hearing from more frequently. I still don't want to hear from them more than a couple times a week unless it's setting something up. I've found that too frequent of communication burns the friendship out too quickly but once a week lets each other know you're still interested and to touch base to make plans.

 

You'll find communication with fall into place with time and you'll find a nice medium between you and the other couple. If you think you could truly be friends out of the bedroom then tell them you think you're compatible like that. In my experience couples with more experience have far less communication than those who are starting out, even if a friendship is blooming.

 

All very interesting points. I am wondering that if they are more interested in more communication (even though they have 6 years of experience under their belt) because they don't mind playing separately, have had a semi-poly relationship with another couple in the past, and are doing the g/f-b/f thing. The wife has a b/f on the side and he is looking for a g/f.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Any amount that makes you (or them) feel uncomfortable. We prefer to limit communication both before and after. We only give out our #'s as a "in case you can't make it" option, and we don't do a lot of back and forth email either. There are a few exceptions in couples where we've become friends but in that case the communication is friendly as it would be with any friends and it's usually same-sex, so there's nothing to feel uncomfortable about.

[drinnt 201]

Hi sunbucks,

 

This question really should be directed at yourself. How much it too much for you? If you want to text and/or email...do it! In our experience if they are open to it they will reply, if not they will let you know. It's a good exercise in testing how well they handle limitations too. Another way could be (my preferred way) to actually say "hey we really clicked with you guys, I'm excited about this friendship...would you guys be alright with keeping in touch via text or email or is that too much?" Everyone has boundaries. Either you feel comfortable exploring them naturally and adjusting your approached based on their response...or you put it all on the table.

 

We have couples that some barely text and others that are kicking off our phone every 10 minutes. Personally, I won't reach out all that much - I prefer to have others contact me. But my wife has no problem keeping things going over the texting.

 

I would caution you to talk to your partner at home though. Establish some boundaries about this topic. The last thing you want is to end up fighting over how he is always on the phone texting with Mrs.Couple when you have your elbows in dishwater, the trash is overflowing and the dog is begging to go out....or while you guys are enjoying quite time by the tv, etc.

 

That's all I can think of...happy for you guys! HAVE FUN WITH IT!

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi sunbucks,

 

I would caution you to talk to your partner at home though. Establish some boundaries about this topic. The last thing you want is to end up fighting over how he is always on the phone texting with Mrs.Couple when you have your elbows in dishwater, the trash is overflowing and the dog is begging to go out....or while you guys are enjoying quite time by the tv, etc.

 

That's all I can think of...happy for you guys! HAVE FUN WITH IT!

 

Great answer! Since we have expanded our group of playmates a bit, I have found that some like texting and some don't like very much contact. I am happy with either...whatever makes everyone comfortable.