Would you decline to play with a cheat?

[Hotgenie 18]

Hi everyone, I'm new here although I've been reading these boards for about 6 months. Just wanted to get experienced swingers view of my problem, although my post may be a little long, please bear with me

 

Well I've been married 5 yrs but been with him since high school. He was my first boyfriend. We do not have children. Now, I'm not an awful person but I am doing something horrible - I'm cheating on him, totally without his knowledge or consent. I won't go into my many reasons why as no excuse can possibly cover why I am doing this, but I will say I am incredibly unhappy in my marriage and if I was more courageous, I would leave him. Now my boyfriend (for want of a better term) is also married and has a family. Unlike me, he has cheated many times before. He has asked me to go with him to a local swingers group. I am really interested in this, not for him but for me. I want to experience things I haven't been able to before. Before I met him, sex was always painful for me and an orgasm during intercourse was absolutely unheard of. So I want to try it with others. So my question is, would people decide not to play with us because we are doing so without our spouses consent or knowledge??

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I'll be brief. You'll be doing the people at the swinger's club a disfavor by being there.

[Hotgenie 18]

Fair enough. Thank you for your honesty

[DigginIt 1,132]

Hey Hotgenie.

 

Swinging involves a lot of trust and communication between a couple. It's something they do together. Without trying to be judgmental, cheating spouses are doing something just the opposite.

 

The main reason though, in our opinion, is that eventually you will get caught. Swingers do not want to get dragged into a divorce hearing or worse, shot, if their husbands are the very jealous type.

 

Something else to think about is you may even be surprised and see someone you know at the club.

[Tobacouple 111]

YES

[lotsoffun201 175]

You cant spend a lifetime in an unhappy marriage for whatever reasons. Why do that to yourself particularly with no children? Swinging aside, you have to look in the mirror in the morning and be happy with who you are and where you are.

 

With regards to swinging.....we have met people at clubs in similar situations such as yourself (you and the BF going together). Most everyone will decline to play once they find out. Those that do play IMHO have very little respect for themselves, you, or your spouses who think you are out with friends or at a meeting or something like that.

 

First and foremost you should take care of your personal life first. Get out of where you are. You will never be happy and counseling most likely won't help either. When and if you do, another piece of advise is not to play with cheaters again. It just leads to bad things and if the BF was an upstanding person he wouldn't be cheating either. That just shows weakness. BOTH of you need to do the right thing.

 

Sorry this sounds harsh, but it hits home for many reasons

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We definitely wouldn't play with someone in your situation.

 

Stop being a coward and take care of yourself. Then you can experiment with a clear conscience.

 

Someone else said counseling won't help. I disagree with that. You probably really need someone to talk to about leaving your marriage if you can't make the decision and you are choosing to sneak around instead. You need to build up confidence in yourself, recognize your shortcomings and address them, and learn to do the right thing for yourself and others. Counseling might help you through the process.

[rainbowskye 102]

I would not play with someone who is cheating.

 

If you are in an unhappy marriage and it can't be fixed then it is time to move on. If you simply don't have the strength to move on you may want to see a counselor and address those issues.

 

For the majority in the swinging community honesty is a big deal. You are being dishonest with your husband and yourself.

 

Most won't engage with cheaters there is too much at risk. If you are already being dishonest with your husband then what else are you being dishonest about ?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

So my question is, would people decide not to play with us because we are doing so without our spouses consent or knowledge??

 

Yes.

[tribbles 490]

I'm going to say most won't play....maybe even none will play with you but....unless the club has rules against your situation, you can still go and look around. (I've met quite a few in your situation at clubs, so it's not unheard of here.)

 

You ever consider counseling to help you get out of your unhappy relationship?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We wouldn't knowingly play with someone who is cheating. We don't give potential playmates the 5th degree trying to figure out exactly what their status is, but if we suspected it for whatever reason, then we'll just take a pass.

 

For us, it's not so much about the security thing, although that would be something in the back of our mind, but primarily it is the trust. Swinging involves honesty and trust between all parties involved, and we just wouldn't feel comfortable feeling like we didn't 100% have that.

 

I appreciate your honesty, both here and to yourself, and since you have that, then like others have said counseling might be something to consider and could really help you to look inside and work through some of these issues.

 

Good luck.

[Dont.Stop 339]

We met a couple via SLS and found that the male is married to a friend of the female. While we appreciated their honesty, we politely declined.

 

Not interested in helping someone cheat. Like others have said... if you're unhappy in your marriage, get out of it.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

You two as a couple would be frowned upon by most, as you've noticed in this thread.

 

If you were to swing as a "single female", an amazing number of couples would suddenly bend their rules to make an exception for you, especially if you are bi or bi-curious. Not saying it's right. Not saying that those that have posted already would do this. Just stating the reality we know.

[rainbowskye 102]

Two4 is right.

 

I've seen that be more accepted than having a bf that the hobby clearly has no clue about.

 

Not my cup of tea because you have no idea if the person being cheated on has a private investigator following you or if he/she is following you and I have no desire to be a part of the domestic dispute .

[lovinher 505]

The way I see it you have more pressing concerns to think about. Your impending divorce and your boyfriend leaving you.

[n2ez 18]

This has been my experience over the last 10 yrs, the vast majority of couple I have played with and in fact still play with on and off, contacted me first knowing my situation (my profile in SLS lays it all out) anyway when I have got to chatting with them I am told they will only play with a a married man if they are seeking MFM playtime never a single guy...

Honestly kids do you really believe a guy telling you he's single anyway? lol

 

but then again I was once told by a couple they wished I would have been lying and told them I was single, then they would have played with me! go figure?

 

Moral swingers??? or maybe a nervous wife thinking she is giving her hubby complied consent if she lets me in their bed? same reason prostitution is illegal?

wives worried about hubbies

[n2ez 18]

You two as a couple would be frowned upon by most, as you've noticed in this thread.

 

If you were to swing as a "single female", an amazing number of couples would suddenly bend their rules to make an exception for you, especially if you are bi or bi-curious. Not saying it's right. Not saying that those that have posted already would do this. Just stating the reality we know.

 

 

Oh yes, Unicorns are exempt from the married thingy

[rainbowskye 102]

When we have been contacted by anyone male or female who is married and spouse has no idea, we decline. Plain and simple. We have no use for liars and cheaters regardless of the situation .

[Hotgenie 18]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. You have all given me a lot to think about. To the people who suggested I attend counseling, I have been seeing one for about a year, and although she has helped me plan how I can leave my husband, I've still not got the courage to actually do it. Maybe someday.

 

Someone suggested I lie at the club and don't say I'm married. Well as insane as this sounds, I don't want to lie to perfect strangers, although I know it is a contradiction considering I lie to my husband regularly. Ive always been such an honest person apart from this that I feel it is totally wrong to bring someone else into this without their informed consent. Not to mention that my husband is incredibly violent and wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone if he found out about us, and it would not be right of me to put a man in that situation without his knowledge.

[WildMiCouple 325]

This is exactly why we'd never play with a couple cheating on their spouses. My first thought after reading your original post......can you imagine what a scene it'd be if we were playing with this couple when in storms an irate husband that had followed his wife to the club.

 

Then you post this

Not to mention that my husband is incredibly violent and wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone if he found out about us, and it would not be right of me to put a man in that situation without his knowledge.

 

 

Do everyone a favor, including you and your boyfriend, and stay away from the swing clubs. We certainly don't need to be reading about your incredibly violent husband attacking swingers in the Sunday News.

 

Brett

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Short answer is we would not play with you as a single or couple (with someone other than your spouse).

 

We have met two "couples" that were playing and at least one of the two was cheating. One was honest and told us up front, the other we discovered they were cheating through "vetting." (I dislike that term in this situation, but it is appropriate.)

 

In both cases we declined and let them know why. One was understanding, the other not so much.

 

Everyone has a line they draw in the sand, and each draws it where they see fit, so some would likely play with you as a couple, and likely even more as a single female.

 

We decline for several reasons, personal safety, we are honest about what we do and expect the same of others, for us cheating is wrong, knowing someone else is potentially being harmed, and just good old fashion bad karma.

[rainbowskye 102]

I once had an abusive spouse. So I can uunderstand in part why you haven't left but only to a degree.

 

Whether it is physical or verbal abuse it is still abuse.

 

There is a cycle to abuse and the abuser is never the one to break it. It is up to you to build your own self esteem and leave. Otherwise this will only end one of two ways.

 

If you have a plan of where to go and so on...just do it. Just go. You will never be able to work on yourself and what is broken on the inside if you are still with him.

 

I lived with an abusive husband and I know what I am talking about. Im not someone who looks at it and says damn why doesn't she just leave? I get it. You however are still making excuses and are somewhat in denial still.

 

Before swinging and involving others you need to take the leap and take care if yourself.

 

You will feel so liberated once you do.

[justifiedcouple 15]

We would not knowingly play with a couple who were cheating on their respective significant others. If they are lying to someone they supposedly love, aren't they probably lying to us? It is not just an issue of right versus wrong, but also safety.

[Powerglide 235]

Step 1: get out of your abusive marriage.

Step 2: Have sex with other people.

 

Do not try these in reverse order.

[farmer3922 15]

My wife and I favor threesomes. We will not play with cheaters. As you no some men confuse truth and desire. If we are told their spouse gives her blessing we ask if we can talk to them.

MFM is our favorite its imposible to build trust in a liar.

[Hotgenie 18]

Just an update here. I decided that the general viewpoint shared on this board was right and so decided not to go to the local club as it puts people in an unfair situation. What we did decide to do was join an online site and look for couples that way, while being honest about our situation. That way, we give people the choice to decline upfront and make their own decisions based upon their full knowledge of our situation. Surprisingly to me, we are currently chatting with 4 other couples, none of whom have stated they would be unwilling to play with us because of our situation. Yesterday, we met with one of the couples and so I had my first swinging experience, which did not go as I expected but still was fun.

 

So I just wanted to thank u all for your opinions as it has been helpful in cementing my decision to be honest with people so they can choose their own response.

[shrevecouple 252]

How in the heck to 2 seperately married people find the time to swing? In secret I might add. Lord help you when you get caught.

[rainbowskye 102]

Have you considered what would happen if you ran into someone that's knows you guys or your spouses and outs you to your husband and his wife?

 

I think that would trigger your husbands abuse.

[drinnt 201]

Hi everyone, I'm new here although I've been reading these boards for about 6 months. Just wanted to get experienced swingers view of my problem, although my post may be a little long, please bear with me

 

Well I've been married 5 yrs but been with him since high school. He was my first boyfriend. We do not have children. Now, I'm not an awful person but I am doing something horrible - I'm cheating on him, totally without his knowledge or consent. I won't go into my many reasons why as no excuse can possibly cover why I am doing this, but I will say I am incredibly unhappy in my marriage and if I was more courageous, I would leave him. Now my boyfriend (for want of a better term) is also married and has a family. Unlike me, he has cheated many times before. He has asked me to go with him to a local swingers group. I am really interested in this, not for him but for me. I want to experience things I haven't been able to before. Before I met him, sex was always painful for me and an orgasm during intercourse was absolutely unheard of. So I want to try it with others. So my question is, would people decide not to play with us because we are doing so without our spouses consent or knowledge??

 

Hi Hotgenie,

 

Let's just say that I fully agree with SW_PA_Couple. My wife and I have a "must be married" rule - so yeah we would talk to you and have a good time but playing would be out of the question.

 

My question to you. If you don't have the strength to take charge of your OWN life and leave your unhappy marriage then how do you expect to have the strength it takes to navigate the emotional challenges of swinging?

 

This may come off as judgmental so let me say that I am the first to admit my ex-wife was a stronger person than I for ending a marriage I was miserable in but did not have the wherewithal to end myself. So I get that not wanting to end your marriage thing. I do NOT get bringing your already morally complicated situation into the marriages of others. Many swingers, like myself, have a long road of HARD WORK they have put into their marriages in regards to what they have learned while swinging and how they used it to better their relationship. For you to take a situation like yours into someone else's marriage would in my opinion be A) almost as irresponsible as you can get and B) walking a thin line between someone searching for happiness and you being that bad person you said you are not.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We've actually been presented with this (almost exact) situation before. We met a really nice couple at a club and they were honest (props for that) about the fact that they were both married, but not to each other. We passed on playing with them.

 

A couple of years later we ran into them again at a different club. Initially, we didn't realize who they were - we just knew we'd met them before- or we likely would have just avoided them. Since we didn't realize who they were we struck up a conversation with them - we were out of town and didn't know anyone at this club, so it's always nice to see a familiar face. Then we realized who they were. My hubby asked the guy about their situation and he said it had been taken care of. We should have dug more but we didn't. We ended up playing with them and then afterwards when I was in the ladies room with the female I said something about their situation changing. She had no idea what I was talking about. I don't know if there was a misunderstanding between the guys or if the other guy just lied because he knew we wouldn't do anything if we knew their situation was still the same. Whatever the case, it really ticked us off.

 

So, no we wouldn't play with a couple in your situation, knowingly. You already know there's a lot of drama that comes with cheating, and the drama increases if your husband finds out. You are having an affair with a married guy that doubles the drama. Then you bring another couple into the mix... and I don't even know to what exponential level that would increase the drama potential.

 

I do know that one couple we know got called into court in a divorce proceeding after playing with a married female. I certainly wouldn't want to end up there.

[djjwp 129]

Thank goodness PA has no fault divorce. I do not think this mud gets drug up here. I have never heard of people getting pulled into cases here before and know quite a few divorced couples.

 

As far as play, I think we would pass. You need to get rid of your abusive husband so you are safe to play with and free to start being who you want to become. there is life after divorce and it is pretty sweet when the marriage was bad.

 

Now your boyfriend... do not expect him to be long term. He sounds like one that likes to play the field and will do so on you soon enough.

[parabola 24]

Accordingly swingers have a bible belt to attached singles. No idea why considering.....lol.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Parabola, we simply don't want to be complicit in cheating. How is that a Bible belt mentality?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

No, we wouldn't play with anyone we knew is cheating. Lots of reasons for that, no Bible Belt necessary. If they'll lie to their spouse, they'll lie to you. High potential for drama...lots of drama. If someone wants to cheat, they're a big boy/girl, that's up to them...just like it's up to me to choose not to be a part of it.

[padoc 1,703]

Our opinion: Swinging is supposed to be recreation and fun for us. The last thing we need is drama. Simple natural law, cheating = drama. In our 15 years in this hobby, we've had opportunities to play with cheaters and have NEVER knowingly done so. In the case of the OP, your situation could go to shit in the blink of an eye and we'd want absolutely no part of it. What we used to tell our kids, "doesn't matter what you thing you're doing, if you're in the room when the crap hits the fan, you're gonna smell really bad" !

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Yes, we would (and have) decline to play with a cheat (double negative in the question). As already pointed out, too much potential for drama. What if the spouse of the cheater found out and requested your attendance at the divorce proceedings (aka subpoena)? We had one occasion several years ago where a couple we were dating invited us to go out on their boat with them. When they showed up, they had a second couple (also swingers) with them. This second couple...well, the man was married to someone else and she was his secretary from work and so we took a pass on both couples after that. We don't want cheaters or others that are fine with playing with cheaters.

[luvin eye full 140]

So maybe it is me but - if the OP is willing to cheat and lie and then go swinging with a cheater - i have to ask who is the abuser here?

It just seems to easy to say that husband is this or that when the only one breaking trust is the OP.

 

So what has he done that you consider abusive?

 

Do not get me wrong here I do not like abusive people male or female - but then I do not like deceptive people as well male or female.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

There is sex life and there is home life. You can think of it as your husband is cheating you out of a satisfying sex life.

 

I would play with you.

[Judy39 145]

I wouldn't decline necessarily, no. I would likely prefer a non-cheater to a cheater, all other things being equal, but they rarely are! Life isn't that simple.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Swinging is all about honesty, trust, love, communication. Cheating is the exact opposite...deception, disrespect, sneaking, and lies. We want good honest couples that we want to be around and have a good time with. We want to be able to trust them the same way we trust each other.

[Jane1902 476]

I will not play with cheaters. I am not the morality police but for me I don't want to participate in an activity that is hurtful to someone else. I am surprised by the number of men that admit to being cheaters in their profile. I wonder how successful they are. Swinging is supposed to be about honesty but I do think sometimes cheating women are given more of a pass.

[luvin eye full 140]

So I just wanted to thank u all for your opinions as it has been helpful in cementing my decision to be honest with people so they can choose their own response.

 

 

Lol

 

Hmm does that mean you will let his wife and kids know about what you two are doing and also your husband as well?

 

I mean so they can choose there own response?

 

ok ok i'm not going to say any more lol

[seekingfun101 15]

The wife has played with a few single guys who said that they are married but have a hall pass but in reality we wouldn't have known anyway. IF any cheating is going on, we think that's between them and don't have any control over that. But we also don't want some woman scorned to see us on her husband's phone and come hunting us down!

[parabola 24]

My husband and I met while we were married to other people, although it isn't traditionally the way spouses meet, neither is the lifestyle so I have no judgment there. We considered playing while we were having our affair, but it just was too risky. That was 8 years ago and we are together now and married to each other. The issue I would say, is obviously someone recognizing you on whatever personal ads and it getting back to either his or your spouse. It is usually a small community, and depending on how much you reveal to prospective cpls or singles on lifestyle personal sites, they could recognize you on vanilla social media. Although, I realize that this is a taboo in the lifestyle community, I have personally seen cpls split and bring new partners into the swinging community. It isn't as uncommon as you thing. Good Luck!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . It isn't as uncommon as you thing. Good Luck!

This is true. Many years ago, my wife and I accepted an invitation to a meeting at a remote mountain cabin from a man and a woman who were married -- just not to each other. We accepted the invitation and subsequently had a couple more nice play dates. About a year after the first meeting, a call came from the woman saying he had been found out. We wished her the best of luck in future endeavors and knew we would never hear from either again.

 

So here is the thing. We made it clear that if either or both got caught that they should not expect either of us to get onto a witness stand and tell lies. They understood and seemed to have already considered their risks. We considered ours. If we encountered a situation like this again, we would consider it on its merits.

 

We have encountered and heard of other married-but-not-to-each other pairs. Although not having played with these others, we don't walk circles around them or treat them like outcasts in social situations. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge,

[parabola 24]

I don't think we would decline. We are both pretty open-minded, and discretion is of big importance to us. We have met a few singles that were attached, some were honest about it, others I personally have been contacted by the gf, or so. Our priorities are to answer to each other, there simply isn't enough free time to run background checks, and play P.I. Life's too short. If I am comfortable with couples, or singles, my so leaves it up to me. Generally speaking, as long as the drama doesn't come around to us, not our concern.

[njbm 2,871]

We would not knowingly play with a cheater. We believe one should be open and honest with one’s spouse. If you want to have sex with other people, let your spouse do so also, preferably together. Or get divorced. We don’t want to be there when an angry spouse or their hit squad arrives.

[parabola 24]

Couples may not have that option. Maybe they have tried to get their spouse into it. Is it inconceivable not everyone is on board with the lifestyle? Many married cpls don't even consider this type of lifestyle until they have undergone years of traditional monogamous relations, many of which I have met that weren't monogamous during those years...and have led them to the lifestyle. Why judge when a high majority of cpls weren't brought into it, being without issues?

[Jane1902 476]

Many of us on this board embrace openess and honesty, that doesn't fully happen with cheaters. Sure they are open with perspective new partners. There can be many reasons why a marriage becomes sexless and someone feels the need to cheat. I just don't want any part of it. Perhaps there should be a swinging cheaters site if Ashley Maddison is too traditional for them.

[padoc 1,703]

"Why judge when a high majority of cpls weren't brought into it, being without issues". We ALL judge. That's how we decide who we meet and with whom we get naked. People judge things every day…do I have enough time to make this light? is the sushi in the Race Trac too old to eat? is that dog friendly? Most swingers value honesty in their playmates and reasonably JUDGE cheaters as being dishonest. If a guy's wife doesn't want to swing, he is (or should be) pretty much outta luck he made vows and promises. I'd suggest that you don't lie to your wife for a chance to fuck mine. It's just simply dishonest.