Overcoming childhood boundries regarding sexuality?

[sandy_paws 15]

Hi! I am going around and around in my head.. so I thought I would throw my question/mental issues out there and see what advice I can get. Thank you in advance.

 

Mr and I have been married for 8 yrs, the idea of swinging sort of came up while we were researching adult only cruises.. and found a swingers only take over cruise.. and we started talking from there. Our plans are to try a few meet & greets in our local area, maybe venture to a hotel to test it out before the big vacation.

 

My question or issue is: I was raised catholic. I was the notorious "good girl" thru the years, oldest daughter - setting an example for the younger siblings.. that kind of thing. I was a virgin when we met (i was 25) and the ONLY person I have ever had sex with is my husband.

 

So my head is conflicted. On one hand, I am now 32 and feel that I should move on with my life. I am no longer 14 (ya know?) I am curious about having sex with other people.

 

On the other, I am terrified. I used my virginity and lack of willingness to have sex as a safety net while dating and growing up to be in control of the situation and not get too close to any relationship for fear of rejection/getting hurt.

 

Also, I was never a girly girl. I was always the t-shirt and jeans, tom boy girl who was buddy buddy with the guys... not really dating much at all.

 

So, now how do I get over my old childhood hangups? How do I find my sexy? I don't know how to all of a sudden become "sexy". How to find the "want" and "desire" to have sex with others, because I am having trouble turning off the "catholic guilt conflict" in my head..

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Do you still identify as Catholic?

[sandy_paws 15]

no. I'm using the catholic as an identifier because it's understood. I stopped going to church and practicing religion at all, when I moved to college and got out of my parents house.

 

but the "morals" are still there. I just don't think in a sexual way. If it was up to me, I don't think we would have sex at all. Mr. is a big player in that, he's always the initiator (which is ok by me)..

 

I am excited about swinging in the ability to meet other adults to hang out with, make friends with, and I believe that it is Mr. who is truly in it for the sex. Not that he doesn't enjoy our sex life, but that he feels that I am missing out, that he doesn't want to deny me of any experiences in life.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

no. I'm using the catholic as an identifier because it's understood. I stopped going to church and practicing religion at all, when I moved to college and got out of my parents house.

 

but the "morals" are still there. I just don't think in a sexual way. If it was up to me, I don't think we would have sex at all. Mr. is a big player in that, he's always the initiator (which is ok by me)..

 

Then that leaves reason as the guiding factor. And, when using reason, there is nothing morally wrong about you and your husband pursuing something (anything) together with each others' consent.

 

As far as feeling sexy: There are many different types of sexy, and not just the girly-girl type. Some are turned on by casual girls, nerdy girls, smart girls, etc. etc. So be true to yourself, and find your sexiness in the way that comes natural to you. There will be people that find it sexy as well. (Hopefully that isn't too new-age feel good sounding).

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I am excited about swinging in the ability to meet other adults to hang out with, make friends with, and I believe that it is Mr. who is truly in it for the sex. Not that he doesn't enjoy our sex life, but that he feels that I am missing out, that he doesn't want to deny me of any experiences in life.

 

There are lots of ways to meet adults, make friends and hang out with people that don't involve swinging and sex... so, IMO, the first thing you need to figure out is whether or not you are really comfortable with the idea of swinging. You say your husband is "in it for the sex" but are you?

 

Swinging involves sex and both members of the couple need to be into it, or it doesn't work.

[a_d_xxx 663]

I would just add that investigating swinging will likely lead you and your husband to communicate and be honest about sex at a level you may have never experienced before. Use that as an opportunity, shine that light of honesty on your own preconceived ideas as well.

 

If guilt is the emotion keeping you from exploring your sexual self, root it out and beat it to death with a large sex toy This is your life, and sex can be an amazing part of it, do not deny yourself what you are due. Regardless of whether you choose to pursue swinging or the Lifestyle, this journey of intimate discovery between you and your husband could be incredibly rewarding and nourishing. Treat it as such.

[sandy_paws 15]

You say your husband is "in it for the sex" but are you? Swinging involves sex and both members of the couple need to be into it, or it doesn't work.

 

That's where my head is stuck. I don't think about sex often, if ever. Until this swinging subject came up. To be honest, I don't know what I want. I always went with the "can't miss what you don't have" in regards to sex.. and I enjoy my sex life with Mr.

 

but, I don't know if I really *want* or *desire* to have sex with others...

 

How do I know, if I've never done it??

 

Of course, I don't want to have "relationships" with other couples (friendships yes, romantic no) - but I can't figure out how to separate the two. How do I get in the frame of mind that it's just physical? And sex is just that. Sex.

[sandy_paws 15]

I would just add that investigating swinging will likely lead you and your husband to communicate and be honest about sex at a level you may have never experienced before. Use that as an opportunity, shine that light of honesty on your own preconceived ideas as well.

 

If guilt is the emotion keeping you from exploring your sexual self, root it out and beat it to death with a large sex toy This is your life, and sex can be an amazing part of it, do not deny yourself what you are due. Regardless of whether you choose to pursue swinging or the Lifestyle, this journey of intimate discovery between you and your husband could be incredibly rewarding and nourishing. Treat it as such.

 

Just wanted to say THANK YOU for this. This is exactly what is happening, the dialog at least... so that's a step in the right direction.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I would just add that investigating swinging will likely lead you and your husband to communicate and be honest about sex at a level you may have never experienced before. Use that as an opportunity, shine that light of honesty on your own preconceived ideas as well.

 

Quoted for truth!

 

A wise swinger once said to me: If I can watch my wife suck another man's cock, I can talk to her about anything.

 

One thing above all is the key to swinging and the reason so many good swingers have good relationships: open, honest communication.

 

That's where my head is stuck. I don't think about sex often, if ever. Until this swinging subject came up. To be honest, I don't know what I want. I always went with the "can't miss what you don't have" in regards to sex.. and I enjoy my sex life with Mr.

 

You and your husband need to talk, and talk and then talk some more. You need to figure out what you do want with regard to sex. What you enjoy and what you don't. What you want more of and what you never want to do.

 

but, I don't know if I really *want* or *desire* to have sex with others...

How do I know, if I've never done it??

 

I offer you this question: what are you afraid of? Doubt, guilt and uncertainity and all just forms of fear. Identify your fears, be honest with yourself about your desires, communicate these honestly and openly with your husband.

 

Of course, I don't want to have "relationships" with other couples (friendships yes, romantic no) - but I can't figure out how to separate the two. How do I get in the frame of mind that it's just physical? And sex is just that. Sex.

 

Well, my advice for what it's worth... have sex. To use a crude example, some people will differentiate between "making love" and "fucking." (I think it's an artificial distinction, but sometime a useful one for the sake of talking.) Throw yourself into sex with your husband as an act of purely phsyical recreation... leave thought behind, be in the moment and enjoy the primal phisycal and emotional sensations of sex.

[sandy_paws 15]

Fear of the unknown is definitely stopping me.

Talking it out and trying to get past it is one of my new years resolutions.

I have to learn that I can't *control* my entire life.

 

Thank you ALL for your advice. It really is great to hear from others who have been there and can help me think thru things.

I appreciate it!

 

I am going to show this post and advice to the Mr. and keep the dialog going...

And then work on *getting physical* whenever possible.

[Learning 160]

What a terrific post Sandy Paws! I'm throwing on my therapist hat here. How about some nice exposure therapy? Okay, where you can simply start is put yourself in the swinging environment. People in this lifestyle are generally very kind and respect the boundaries that you lay out with your spouse. Check out a club, meet & greet, or house party. Be a voyeur, interact, and engage with others but not on a sexual level if you are not ready. Just soak up the environment. You will find that you will meet some pretty nifty individuals out there. From there, the sky is the limit.

 

It's normal to have boundaries as a child/adult. Nothing wrong with that. You sound like you know yourself really well. Be who you are and people will adore you.

[Chicup 41]

You Catholic girls start much too late.

Ah! But sooner or later it comes down to fate.

I might as well will be the one.

 

Being its no longer your religion holding you back (ex-Catholic myself), then it is indeed up to your intellect and desires.

 

One way to gauge your desires is to explore fantasies. I realize you most likely don't have a lot in the way of fantasies being you have put sex out of your mind, and thats where the adult industry could help you.

 

When my wife and I were thinking about expanding our sexuality so to speak, I asked her to look for and order some porn that seemed interesting to her. One of the videos she ordered was The Dinner Party.

 

Its basically a party where the guests talk about their fantasies and they end up swinging at the end.

 

One of the first scenes involved a MFM. I asked my wife if she could 'be in that woman's place' would she want to be and she said yes. This really got her thinking about the swinging possibilities. I think in a lot of ways she is like you in that she has her 'good girl' mindset which still, after 10 years of off and on swinging, can hold her back.

 

So ask yourself "If they never knew my name or who I was, would I enjoy that?", or "Could I see myself doing something like that?".

 

If your answer is absolutely no, odds are thats your answer. If your answer is "maybe" or "depends" it means the answer is yes, but you still need to work up the nerve. Of course if the answer is simply "yes" then you get to move onto the next step of meeting couples, being disappointed, being thrilled, that sort of thing.

[sandy_paws 15]

Awesome. Great ideas!! I'm going to search for that movie right now! Just talking about it here makes me feel not so alone or left behind.

[rainbowskye 102]

Im the catholic girl gone bad. I use to be a prudence when it came to sex. Then one day something snapped and I realized it was lack if sexual satisfaction ....boring sex...boring partners. As I began to explore what really turned me on and got into it the door to swinging opened.

 

You should try the whole watching porn thing and see what weeks your interest.

 

It may open you up to a whole new world.

[Chicup 41]

If you click in my post thats a link to that movie.

[a_d_xxx 663]

"I went to Catholic School." In unison: "Me too!"

 

[lovefest04 700]

Sandy_paws: Your embarking on a new and exciting path, one that may or may NOT include having sex with anyone outside your primary relationship. And that's perfectly ok.

 

You say you don't really even think about sex. I think you should start there. You don't need to go from zero to 100. Baby steps are good.

 

I think Chicup is on the right track. Here's my advice for what it's worth.

 

Start slow, engaging in and pushing the envelope with your husband. There are LOTS of fun sexy games you can play together.

 

Here are some suggestions. These are intended to just get your two thinking about and communicating about sex. And feel free to open up to him. If he's worthy of your love he's also respectful of your boundaries and supportive of your fantasies.

 

1. Get some porn, watch it and have fun with it. Laugh at the stupid parts, act out the sexy parts and talk about all of it.

 

2. Visit a local sex shop and buy a few things. Not a shop too close to home. make an evening of it. Drive far enough to get butterflies in your stomach, pick up things that make you gasp. Have dinner or a drink afterwards and talk about your new toys.

 

One book I have seen includes coupons that you tear out can give your partner. then the partner gets or gives whatever it says. This will help you ask for and initiate sex.

 

3. Go out, anywhere you can people watch. Play a game with your husband. You are each going to find 5 people that you're attracted to and tell the other one about it, why? What is it that you find sexy. Their eyes, mouth, ass, hair, attitude, anything. Remember this is a game between the two of you, play with it. I have been out with my wife and we actually pick out potential partners for each other and then I, for example, describe what I think is sexy about the man I chose for her and vis-a-versa. It makes us feel connected, its us against all the other people in the world. We even talk about what the waiter would think if he knew we were having lunch and talking about his crotch and ass.

 

4. Get used to and try out a little exhibitionism. Strip for your husband, demand he strip for you and comment on his physical characteristics, what you like, what you lust after. Always be positive. Masturbate together. Serve him drinks one afternoon in nothing but a sheer dress or one of his shirts. Make sure he gets flashed, just a bit.

 

5. Flirt you asses off at a public event. Give the waitress a little extra love, wink at the bartender, comment on a strangers clothing, tell someone they have beautiful eyes.

 

These are just a few simple ideas, and maybe others can add some more. The result might be that you light a fire inside you, kinda get your internal flames going.

 

My thinking is that you start right there at home, practicing opening up a bit, pushing your boundaries and then, only after you've practiced with your man go out and start to incorporate others.

 

Again baby steps.

 

You may also find that none of this is for you.

 

Personally, I find people that are open and explore their sexuality, flirt, and communicate are really sexy to be around. Sex is supposed to be fun and exciting. As a guy that's been married for 30 some years, it's easy to get stale in a relationship. It takes work to keep it fresh and even more to keep it hot. Practice now and it will serve you well into the future.

 

Wishing you the very best in your adventures.

[sandy_paws 15]

Wow. What great advice. I'm so glad that I asked the question. I was just tearing myself up inside my head, beating myself up about it. Now i know I'm not crazy.

 

It's so nice to know that I'm not weird.. For the longest time, I just felt so different. Thank you all. Baby steps. That's just my speed. I was freaking out about walking into a party or club and not knowing how to handle the expectation of "the other couple/people" want to have sex with you. At least now I know that doesn't have to be the first step or even the next step. Huge sigh of relief.

[Tina and Bob 236]

Nothing really new to add, I think you've already gotten great advice. If you have the time and can afford it take a little vacation away from familiar surroundings. go somewhere where you are not likely to run into anyone you know and then go out with your husband to a nice club, possibly a little dancing and dress provocative for him. Maybe a nice short dress and skip the underwear. Even just wearing a nice short jean skirt and a cotton tee with no bra for an afternoon on the town is very sexy and I guarantee your husband will get turned on by all the attention you will get. Just relax and be comfortable doing sexy play things for yourselves and let things evolve naturally.

[rainbowskye 102]

Sandy,

 

I was the tomboy type. I still am in someways . It took me a while to find my sexy but I did.

 

I don't do a lot if lingerie because hell it comes if anyways ! But I did have my partner help me. We did a lot of roleplaying and once I found what i was comfortable with there was no holding back.

 

I do have sexy clothes that blend who I am with sexy and it works. You will find yours.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The great thing about swinging is that women are still in control. So all that experience you have of using your sex (virginity) as a way to control the situation, should come in handy. Now you still get to control the situation, from setting the boundaries to determining what you might want to do and who you want to do it with.