Fell in Love

[bigbear 15]

After I tell you the story I have a feeling I know what most of the responses are going to be. LOL

 

We meet a couple online almost a year ago, and we all hit it off right away. Especially me and the other woman. We all were and still are incredible in bed together. We started seeing them more and more and it became a regular thing, of once or twice a month, weekend trips stuff like that. Our kids even meet and it has been great. Kind of the true friends with benefits situation.

 

Long story short Me and the other woman have fallen in love with each other. It started out slowly a few months ago when we both realized we had more than a fuck buddy feelings for each other. We both tried to suppress these feelings, but it just became impossible. We both have said the feelings we have for each other or the way the other one makes the other feel we have NEVER had with any one else.

 

I know you are not suppose to be able to love more than one woman/man, but we seem to be able to have it under control. She is so different than my wife. She actually is a lot like me. My wife and I are kind of opposites and I think that’s why we have been married almost 25 years. I am kind of high strung and she is very laid back, so we kind of balance each other out.

 

The other woman lives about 40 miles away so we don't have an opportunity to see each other except when all 4 do. We have not seen each other behind our spouses backs...yet. I have feeling it is coming though, we have even talked about having some alone time together.

 

We both understand and realize that what we have going on is NOT the typical LS relationship. But we both have said we cannot see our lives without the other in it for the distant future. Our biggest fear is how our spouses would react if they found out (I know DUUUHHHHH).

 

I am not writing this to ask how I should handle this situation because I'm not going to stop seeing her. Plus we can't UN-feel the way we do, nor do we want to.

 

We both still love our spouses very much.

 

I guess what I'm saying is. What is wrong with this? I have not lied to my wife. I give her everything she needs and she feel fulfilled, at least that’s what she tells me. I wasn't looking to fall in love. As a matter of fact I have said for years as a JOKE why would any man want more than one wife, one is headache enough (JOKINGLY). But we did fall in love.

 

As couples in the lifestyle we are so far outside of the NORM what is wrong with each of us just kind of setting our own norms.

 

Part of the reason I posted this is just the release of getting this out of me. I'm sure for the most part everyone is going to say break it off with this other woman, quit the lifestyle and fix your marriage. I am not going to break it off with this woman. If my wife found out and said choose between her or me I don't know what I would do. I don't think my marriage is broken at all. We still love each other. I don't find myself comparing the two of them because they are so different. And, I don't want to leave my wife.

 

OK So tell me what you think

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I play "very well" with the wife of one of the couples we run with. We fuck good. We also are very similar in our personalities and styles.

 

That being said, if we were to fall in love and try to make a go of it as a couple (or as a poly foursome), it would be a disaster. Because we're too much alike. If we had to put up with each other every day instead of one night every week or two, we'd grow tired, quickly.

[SJCPL1 65]

I won't preach as I doubt it would do any good. Have the two of you thought about speaking with your spouses about living a polyamorous lifestyle? Then all parties would be aware of what is going on and feelings are less likely to be hurt.

[DigginIt 1,132]

You have been married to your wife for almost 25 years.

 

My opinion is that you are finding an emotional connection with this new woman that you may have not been keeping in tact with your wife. Again, this is all my opinion but I really feel that your wife has no way to compete in this situation.

 

You are getting only the 'good' from the relationship with the other woman. You are not getting the in-laws, the kids, the bills, the hardships and toils that her husband has had to go through, and may still be going through with her. Your mind has romanticized her to a point that your blind to what you may be losing because it can only compare 'potential life with her' to the everyday life you have with your wife (whom I believe you do love or you wouldn't be having some confliction in your feelings) which isn't as exciting as it may have been.

 

I have seen a few couples leave their spouses for the other couple only to realize a year down the road, after they have been living with them, realizing that the glamour was in the imagination but the reality wasn't much better/worse than they had and the experiences that they had defined them with their original spouses lay in ruins, sacrificed by that temporary blindness.

 

I'm not saying that you don't have strong emotions or that the heart isn't capable of loving more than one person. I'm just saying that the grass isn't always greener and there is a vast difference in people when you are sleeping with them versus when you move in with them. Let's face it, most relationships that I have left have been realized after you move in with someone that they were not the person you thought they were at the start.

 

Good luck.

[bigbear 15]

We have talked about it a little about being in an exclusive/Poly relasionship. I think my wife would be OK with it, but she (the other woman) does not think her husband would be. She has explained that he does not like to hear about us seeing other couples, however he still enjoys seeing others and doesn't want to stop.

 

We both realize we are very much alike, scary alike. I have expressed the same concern about us becoming a couple "two4you", but she said she didn't think it would be an issue because 1)we communicate so well together. Which is very true. and 2) I bring out the best in her.

 

Now I'm a big boy I know in any relationship eventually you are going to get on each others nerves. But I guess it's all in how you handle it.

 

Thanks for the input keep it coming

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

What is wrong with this?

 

You WILL end up hurting two people.

 

You are lying to your wife and her husband. This WILL create pain, especially when you get to the point where you are seeing each other behind their backs.

 

The sooner you both come clean and get things out in the open the more likely you are to be able to minimize (if not avoid) a lot of potential hurt. It's possible that your spouses will be ok with allowing the relationship to advance to a more poly type situation. However, you don't know until you ask.

 

BUT, if you don't ask and you continue down the road you've already admitted you are on, feelings will continue to grow. You will continue to lie to your partners, and eventually it will all come out. At that point it won't be the fact that you fell for each other that is the issue, it will be that you both chose to lie to your spouses about it.

 

Take a look at some of the threads here on cheating, specifically those titled something like "What is cheating when you are a swinger" and you'll find that the majority agree that it's simply lying to your partner.

 

As for the opposites vs same thing with attraction. Opposites attract for a reason, but we are also attracted to people who are similar to us. Sometimes it's simply because we are so used to dealing with those opposites that it's nice to spend time with someone who gets how you work. Often, it's one of those things where it's fun when there's distance and they aren't in your face all the time. But, the people who are like you tend to get on your nerves faster when you spend constant time with them (just sayin' - it's probably not worth risking your marriage over).

[DigginIt 1,132]

As for the opposites vs same thing with attraction. Opposites attract for a reason, but we are also attracted to people who are similar to us. Sometimes it's simply because we are so used to dealing with those opposites that it's nice to spend time with someone who gets how you work. Often, it's one of those things where it's fun when there's distance and they aren't in your face all the time. But, the people who are like you tend to get on your nerves faster when you spend constant time with them (just sayin' - it's probably not worth risking your marriage over).

 

I really love the way you phrased this Julie.

[km34 672]

We have talked about it a little about being in an exclusive/Poly relasionship. I think my wife would be OK with it, but she (the other woman) does not think her husband would be. She has explained that he does not like to hear about us seeing other couples, however he still enjoys seeing others and doesn't want to stop.

 

Poly doesn't have to mean exclusive... All that really needs to happen is for the two of you to come clean to your spouses to see if this relationship is even possible to continue and develop. Nothing between the married couples needs to change.. She and her hubby can continue to swing and do whatever; you and your wife could do the same.

 

Honestly, he sounds rather controlling if he isn't even okay with his fuck buddies seeing other people while he still can. I'd be concerned about his reaction and the longer the situation is hidden, the more anger he is (rightfully) going to have.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

bigbear said:

I have expressed the same concern about us becoming a couple "two4you", but she said she didn't think it would be an issue because 1) we communicate so well together. Which is very true. and 2) I bring out the best in her.

 

With all due respect, my 17 year old daughter said almost the exact same thing about her newest boyfriend a couple weeks ago. So, I wouldn't hang my hat on those two things.

 

C'mon man. You know nothing good can come out of this.

[bigbear 15]

Julie I don't think we have actually lied, but unfortunately I have to put a yet on that. Have I told my wife about it NO, but if she asked I would tell her. I have told her that I have a special connection with this woman, but have not told her I love her. Many would argue that an omission is a lie but I don't think so

[km34 672]

Many would argue that an omission is a lie but I don't think so

 

It doesn't matter if YOU would consider it a lie. Would SHE?

[rainbowskye 102]

Nothing good can cone of this.

 

It sounds more like infatuation than love.

 

If you love your wife like you say you do, you will tell her. Dragging it on will only cause more and more pain. To me, that's not love at all, it is selfishness .

 

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Julie I don't think we have actually lied, but unfortunately I have to put a yet on that. Have I told my wife about it NO, but if she asked I would tell her. I have told her that I have a special connection with this woman, but have not told her I love her. Many would argue that an omission is a lie but I don't think so

 

I think you do think so. Otherwise, you wouldn't be working so very, very hard to justify it.

[weloveeachother 29]

It doesn't matter if YOU would consider it a lie. Would SHE?

 

Very well put.

 

I also agree that this sounds like infatuation. It sounds exactly like something my 17 yo daughter said to me like 3 boyfriends ago....

 

If you really love your wife then there is no question what you have to do. Come clean and if the other spouses won't allow it then move on.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

bigbear said:

I know you are not suppose to be able to love more than one woman/man,

 

Who the hell told you that? Of course you can love more than one person.

 

 

bigbear said:

I am not writing this to ask how I should handle this situation ...

 

Why are you writing? You say, to just get it out... the is bursting inside you and you know you need to talk about it.

 

But a bunch of faceless strangers on an internet forum aren't the people you need totalk about it with. You need to be talking with your partners.

 

 

bigbear said:

We both still love our spouses very much.

 

Then talk to them. Tell them what you are feeling. Be open and honest with them.

 

 

bigbear said:

What is wrong with this?

 

What is wrong is that you aren't being open with everyone involved.

 

If you are open and honest, then perhaps nothing will be wrong. Polyamory is real and maybe a poly relationship is what you need... but even more then a good swinging relationship, a poly relationship demands open and honest communication between all parties involved.

 

There is a reason you haven't told your wife and her husband. Examine that.

[twistedpretzels 100]

Julie I don't think we have actually lied, but unfortunately I have to put a yet on that. Have I told my wife about it NO, but if she asked I would tell her. I have told her that I have a special connection with this woman, but have not told her I love her. Many would argue that an omission is a lie but I don't think so

 

'i DON'T THINK we have actually lied'.... that's like being a little pregnant...

 

this whole thing makes me very uncomfortable....

[DigginIt 1,132]

I'm sure the feedback you have been getting is probably not what you wanted to hear but I think it's definitely what you need to hear. I think most everyone here cares and I think the criticism is based out of concern for the two of you and your spouses.

 

My prediction based on what you have said is that it will send the other couple possibly into a death spiral (definitely sever your ties) and you and your wife will reconcile most likely but your swinging will probably end or stop for awhile. After that, uncertain.

[bigbear 15]

Some of you make very valid points.

 

I guess I kind of expected this kind of response. Some of you will read into that, that I already know what I should do. We are told, and even from your responses you are saying that I can only love my spouse and that I can't love this other woman. The love I feel for this "other" woman does not cause me to love my wife any less. I don't compare the two of them ever. The point that was made it not about if I think it is a lie it whether she thinks it's lie. This is very true. I still don't think my wife would think I lied to her. She might not be happy with the fact that I kept it from her however. I can't answer for the other couple.

 

Maybe I didn't explain how the other guy feel about us seeing others very well. He does not care if we see others he just doesn't want to hear about it. it not even as bad as that sounds.

 

This is not an infatuation, Infatuations happen quickly when you first meet someone or at least that has been my experince. This is something that has grown over a 9 month period. Before you say thats not enough time I asked my wife to marry me after only 6 months. We have been together for almost 25 years.

 

I brought up that the two women are so different to kind of explain why I feel that my love for them is so different and not in conflict. Neither I nor the other woman went looking for this. It just kind of developed and it got to the point where we could not ignore what we were feeling.

 

After reading what every one wrote. I think what i'm getting is that falling in love with this woman is not what is wrong. It's the not telling our spouses is what everyone thinks we are doing wrong. My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.

 

I want to thank everyone for their input. None of it has taken me by surprise and like I said before many of you make very valid points.

[km34 672]

My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves.

 

Because that is called cheating. That's the plain and simple. As soon as you lie or bend the truth to see this woman BEHIND YOUR WIFE'S BACK, it's cheating. In my relationship, not telling the truth about feelings is cheating, so you'd already be there if I were you wife.

 

People have been very supportive of your position, so if your wife is anything like these amazing people, your relationship will be fine. Don't cross the line to cheating. Please. Nobody wants to see (or hear about you) ruin your 25 year marriage just because you're afraid of the reaction you're going to get.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

We are told, and even from your responses you are saying that I can only love my spouse and that I can't love this other woman.

 

Since several people, myself include, have made reference to polyamory and denied this very statement, I can only assume that you have not actually paid attention to all the responses.

 

My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves.

 

Because they will find out... and when they find out, if you have not told them, then that will absolutely, and without any doubt or question, cause hurt and problems.

 

Telling them might cause a bunch of hurt and problems.

 

Not telling them absolutely will.

 

When this happens, don't come back and expect sympathy from me.

[LFM2 1,482]

Julie I don't think we have actually lied, but unfortunately I have to put a yet on that. Have I told my wife about it NO, but if she asked I would tell her. I have told her that I have a special connection with this woman, but have not told her I love her. Many would argue that an omission is a lie but I don't think so

 

It's not really whether you think lying by omission is wrong, but the what your wife would think. I happen to think that lying by omission is a lie. If I was in this situation, with Dave being deeply in love with someone else, you bet your bottom I'd think it was lying if he didn't say anything. You are trying to justify this situation to make your outcome easier, but friend, you're digging yourself into a deep, dark hole. It's not only the dishonesty, but being disrespectful and dishonorable to your wife is just as bad, doncha think?

 

 

I guess I kind of expected this kind of response. Some of you will read into that, that I already know what I should do. We are told, and even from your responses you are saying that I can only love my spouse and that I can't love this other woman. The love I feel for this "other" woman does not cause me to love my wife any less. I don't compare the two of them ever. The point that was made it not about if I think it is a lie it whether she thinks it's lie. This is very true. I still don't think my wife would think I lied to her. She might not be happy with the fact that I kept it from her however. I can't answer for the other couple.

 

Maybe I didn't explain how the other guy feel about us seeing others very well. He does not care if we see others he just doesn't want to hear about it. it not even as bad as that sounds.

 

This is not an infatuation, Infatuations happen quickly when you first meet someone or at least that has been my experince. This is something that has grown over a 9 month period. Before you say thats not enough time I asked my wife to marry me after only 6 months. We have been together for almost 25 years.

 

I brought up that the two women are so different to kind of explain why I feel that my love for them is so different and not in conflict. Neither I nor the other woman went looking for this. It just kind of developed and it got to the point where we could not ignore what we were feeling.

 

After reading what every one wrote. I think what i'm getting is that falling in love with this woman is not what is wrong. It's the not telling our spouses is what everyone thinks we are doing wrong. My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.

 

I'm going to address this by the points I've bolded:

First bold: If you don't think your wife would find this a lie, put her shoes on your feet and see if you think she wasn't lying if she was in love with another man and you had no idea. Let's say you found out from a friend. If you say you would be fine with it, I don't think that would be the 100% truth. If you say you'd be totally comfortable with it, can you say that now since you've got "another significant other". You'd feel that you're "even steven", like when you were little kids. It would make you feel better wouldn't it? Almost a relief?

 

In reality, you know you wouldn't like it. I know I wouldn't and even though I can't paint the board with that broad brush, I'm sure a lot of the folks here would agree with me.

 

Second bold: You're still trying to justify why it's OK if you two still see each other and not change anything.

 

Also, I admit that I agree with you that we don't choose whom we fall in love with. It happens. Dave and I only knew each other for about 3 weeks before we married. We're nearing our 28th anniversary. In another thought, though, maybe it's because we swing for different reasons than you. I can't even imagine falling in love with anyone else. I can't imagine having romantic feelings for anyone else. I bet you're thinking you didn't think you could either... but one thing is different about us... it would have scared me enough to stop swinging with that person.

 

Third bold: You should be talking to your respective spouses about this because it's the right thing to do. This is where selfless has flown the coop and your selfishness has surfaced. If you don't think you're lying to your wife, and you don't think she will think it is either, then you should have no problem telling her about this. Or better yet, bring her here and let her see the post. You've already admitted that you're here under another name.

 

What do you see happening from all this? Do you see all four of you living happily ever after? Do you see nothing good happening if you're honest with your wife and let her know what's happening? Do you think of divorce in your future if it all comes out? I'm still not sure what exactly you're wanting to hear (or read) here.

 

I know you're wanting to justify what you're both feeling and what you're both doing. I think it's time you manned up and owned this situation you're in. Take accountability for the situation you've gotten yourself in. If you're wanting to save this marriage of 25 years, stop seeing your playmate and let her get her marriage back on track, too. If you're both not willing to do that, then you're gonna have to accept what comes.

[tribbles 490]

My argument to that is, Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.

 

Was your wife your best friend? The person you told everything to?

 

You have lost that cuz of this, haven't you? So even if your wife has not noticed, it HAS already affected your home life and your relationship.

 

If you think this will die out soon, maybe I wouldn't tell yet....someday you will have to, if you want to be close to your wife again but if this new love 'dies out', it might be easier. If you two DO sneak behind your spouses backs to meet and cheat...it's gonna mess up your love of each other too, don't you think?

 

My question is: why does it have to cause hurt and problems? You both love your spouses. You love each other. Love is pretty awesome. The four of you have to work out some kinda acceptance and figure the details is all. Poly people do it all the time.

 

Normal people mange it in ways we seldom look at.

 

You love others too...just not with sex involved. It doesn't take away from the love you have for a spouse to love your brother, sister, mother, father, son or daughter, best friend or even your dog....why would loving this woman have to be any different?

[slevin 1,374]

I think the question comes down to what is important to you:

 

1. What is best for you
2. What is best for your marriage
3. What is best for your relationship with the other woman

 

For me, if this was to happen I would bring it up with my wife immediately. Yes it might cause some issues, but I want to get those issues out in the open right away. It will be tough and it might mean we break it off with the other couple. That might suck, but my marriage is more important to me than anything. Maybe my wife would be open to me pursuing a relationship with the other woman. If she wasn't, then I'd need to find some way to put it behind me.

 

Keeping it from your wife and the other woman's husband is doing what is best for you. Not for your marriage.

[bigbear 15]

I want to thank everyone for there input. You all make very valid points. Although some of you seem angry with me. Falling in love with this other woman was not a planned thing nor did we go looking for it. It just kind of developled the same way any of us fall in love with anyone.

 

It's only been a few weeks since we both realized how we feel about each other so we are still trying to figure it all out. Of course you are all correct that we should come clean. However we both have the fear, more on her end than mine, that we will lose each other.

 

Lion you make a very good point when you say, "telling them MIGHT cause a bunch of hurt" Not telling them, WILL.

 

We have a difficult decision to make. We don't get an opportunity to talk face to face very often. I think something this important should be done face to face. Most of our comunication is done through emails and texting. We are going away with them for a long weekend next weekend and I will talk to her then.

 

Again thanks for all of your time and advise

[rainbowskye 102]

I know of a person, my ex, who had primary contact with another woman via text and email. Very little face to face personal time....

 

It was a disaster.

 

Anyone can be anything they want behind text and email. Continual face to face on a regular basis it a whole different ballgame.

 

This is a risk that if I loved my spouse of 25 years I would not take.

 

I dont see anyone angry with you, they are just pointing out the obvious. Sometimes we ask for advice and want to hear it a certain way when in reality what we hear is what we NEED to hear.

 

I am not discounting your feelings. You may be in love with the person you know via the swinging, texting and emailing.... but that lady may not be who you really think she is.

 

I've seen this SO MUCH when relationships begin via the internet. This is really no different as you have had little one on one time with her.

 

Once you do go behind your spouses backs...it is cheating and your wife and her husband very well may be less forgiving.

[junglecouple 127]

another big thought to keep in mind.. You say you are only communicating by text and email... some day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but SOMEDAY those missive will probably come to light... and when they do, it'll show you've been carrying on this affair much longer than your SO might have thought.. That's when the fight begins......

[Valha 18]

We have a difficult decision to make. We don't get an opportunity to talk face to face very often. I think something this important should be done face to face. Most of our comunication is done through emails and texting. We are going away with them for a long weekend next weekend and I will talk to her then.

 

Why are you missing the all-important point here?? The other gal isn't the one you need to talk to about this, it's your wife!! BEFORE you meet up with them again. I'm sorry but in my eyes you've already crossed the line- not because you fell in love as you say, but because you aren't giving your wife the respect she deserves by honestly communicating with her! I'm ABSOLUTELY ASSURED you would want her to tell you about it if it was the other way around. Now the question is what kind of man do you want to be? You know damn well you are at that fork in the road....

[rainbowskye 102]

After reading this a second time....it sounds like he doesn't care about his wife as much as he claims.

 

Not willing to stop this with the other woman.

 

Not willing to tell his wife.

 

To me...she will find out and she will be devastated. He seems not to care about that. He cares more about how the other husband will react.

 

Cheaters never win.

[lovinher 505]

Why bother with this guy anymore? His mind is made up.

[MN Tom 251]

I'd have far less trouble with this scenario if you were both being open and honest with your spouses about it.

 

Without that, I don't like it.

 

The thing is, many of us have seen this scenario before. And many of us have seen it end badly. It doesn't always end badly, but it's nearly always a lot more involved than either of you are willing to admit or see.

[Alura 2,774]

Love is a state of mind which can be changed. In this case, I think that would be a very good idea.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Why tell when all it will do is possibly cause a bunch of hurt and problems. Why can't we just keep it between ourselves. We don't plan on leaving our spouses for each other. And so far it hasn't effected our home life yet.

 

I think you know what's going to happen.

 

Look, whatever you want to call it, lying, omission, whatever...it doesn't matter. Keeping something this significant from your spouse is completely and utterly wrong. Why can't you keep it to yourselves? Gah. With respect, the immaturity attitude expressed in that is very much akin to the 17 year old an earlier poster mentioned.

 

You and your wife are supposed to be on the same team. Right now, you're not. You're cheating on her, right in front of her very own eyes and she doesn't even know it. I feel so incredibly sad for her.

 

The longer this secret is kept, the bigger the explosion when its discovered...and it WILL be discovered. You can bank on it.

 

However we both have the fear, more on her end than mine, that we will lose each other.

 

And apparently no concern about losing your wife of nearly 25 years when she finds out?

 

If you do anything other than bring your wife into the loop as soon as possible, the only outcome of this will be Either you love your wife and value her needs or you don't. If you want to keep your wife and your girlfriend past the few weeks or months you might be able to get away with this cheating, then you've got to bring her in the loop now. You also have a LOT of research and education to undertake with respect to polyamory. Lesson #1, free of charge: Either you're honest with everyone involved, or its over. Poly triads, quads, or other groupings face enough challenges without having to introduce dishonesty into the picture. And, not telling your wife IS dishonest.

 

To that last point; think of it this way. If your wife was walking along with her eyes buried in her cell phone, and there was a big hole in the ground ahead, under your definition of "lying" you would have done nothing wrong if you didn't inform her she was about to fall into a hole. Pop quiz; Do you think she'd be (a) happy with you for not lying to her or (b) madder than hell with you for not telling her of her imminent danger?

 

 

If, on the other hand, your goal is to divorce your wife and get your girlfriend to divorce her husband, then you're on the right path, and you don't need our advice anymore.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

My wife wanted to add something to this...

 

"How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

 

From this woman's perspective, I'd rather know the worst truth than the best lie. Any lie, when discovered, will be worse than whatever truth was being covered up. I would say that is pretty standard for most women. For most women, an act of omission is still a lie. "

[Dont.Stop 339]

Bigbear, I hope you're still reading this thread. Because I want to tell you my story.

 

Mrs and I had only been in the lifestyle a couple months when we met this particular couple. They live about 90 minutes away from us. We met at a party after exchanging texts for a bit. We all hit it off famously. We all talked, we all texted. We visited them often. Spent the night a few times.

 

In the early going I was having performance issues. I attributed some of it to Mrs.DontStop... she was enjoying herself more than she had with any other partner before then. And I loved it, but it was distracting. So we tried separate rooms. It seemed to work.

 

We kept visiting and kept in touch. The female and I found we had a lot in common. We also had common "issues" with our spouses. Nothing that would threaten a relationship, but when she would say her husband frustrated her with something, I could often say "Yeah, same here." While communication between Mrs. and he was slowing down simply because of timing and real life, the female and I were able to continue on, and heavily. While it seemed the other two were drifting, we were hoping and trying to find ways to keep them in touch. She and I talked about doing swap dates where we would meet up, exchange spouses and catch up again the next day. Or I'd pick her up and we'd do something together without them. But we knew it could only work if they wanted to do the same.

 

Yeah, I fell. And the other two fell apart. And Mrs.DontStop was hurt. And I stayed in touch with the female. And that just served to hurt more. So then I started hiding the communication. We were always clear to each other (the female and I) that we weren't interested in breaking any marriages to become a couple. Never my interest, and I never thought it was hers. But we did want to stay in touch. And eventually the hidden communication came out.

 

Finally coming to the realization that my selfishness was causing hurt to the person I love the most, I had to make the decision to cut off the texts. No, you can't help who you fall in love with, but you do have the power to control your decision-making.

 

Sure, you can love more than one person. In fact, we all do. But if you have to hide what you're doing from your spouse, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

Thankfully Mrs.DontStop forgave me over and over again for my many missteps. We've been lucky enough to find another couple where we have fantastic (in many ways even better) chemistry with. And we keep comparing things to our previous experience. I cut back on the texting with the other female, limiting myself to starting a conversation the morning of date night, and the day after as we talk about what happened. Keeping appropriate distance is key, especially when you think feelings are developing.

 

Think long and hard... We're quite fortunate to have spouses who agree to the lifestyle. Don't kill the goose.

[HappyCpl 89]

My wife wanted to add something to this...

 

"How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

 

From this woman's perspective, I'd rather know the worst truth than the best lie. Any lie, when discovered, will be worse than whatever truth was being covered up. I would say that is pretty standard for most women. For most women, an act of omission is still a lie. "

 

Mrs. H Here... I agree. The truth does sometimes hurt...but it is so much more painful and longer lasting when prior deception is involved. Not telling your wife out of fear is, in my opinion, the same as lying.

 

The truth will come out eventually...it always does.

 

I won't say that you do not love both of these women. However, if I were your wife, I imagine that I wouldn't feel very loved. I would probably feel untrusted and rejected. (She most probably senses something...you have been with each other far too long for her not to pick on things.)

 

I cannot know what you are actually feeling. However, from what you have written, your actions are putting the needs of the 'other woman' (and that is what she is...the other woman) above the needs of your wife. In my opinion, wives need to be trusted...and to be included emotionally. You are not doing that.

 

Mr. H is my king...and I am his queen. He is above all other men in my heart. The worst thing he could do to me is to put another woman ahead of me in an emotional sense. I would rather take a physical beating than an emotional one.

 

But, your wife may see it differently. However, you will never know for sure until you talk to her.

 

You would be surprised at the things we wives can forgive. Granted, it takes time for the level of trust to build again, but what else do you have to do with the rest of your life?

[Additude 457]

Wouldn't it be ironic if it was discovered that bigbear's wife and the other husband are having the same issue and are also trying to figure out what to do about it.... hummmmm... So what is up bigbear? How is this working out for you now?

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My wife fell in love with the first guy I talked her into having sex with. They had incredible sex together. It was everything I had fantasized about. ...and more. Both of them wanted more of each other and they didn't mind if I watched. It was awesome watching her enjoying herself with him. She loved getting attention from both of us. I never felt jealous. I was happy that she was getting satisfied.

[Hippiegirlie 276]

I second Lion's comments. Coming from a bi female who has been in a poly relationship, honesty is the only solution. Once everyone wraps their heads around what's going on, you all need to sit down and share all options and see if there is an amicable solution. Every connection between people is different, but you have to consider the very real fact that you may end up without either your wife or your swing mate.

[curious999 18]

This is the exact reason that I am fearful of swinging. If you are not in a happy, secure, relationship and totally into your spouse, you have no business swinging! Swinging is supposed to spice up your marriage, not ruin it. Too many couples get into this for the wrong reasons. Thats why we have rules! We have sex and only sex! No getting to know each other or anything like that. That is cheating! If you were unhappy in your marriage then you should have left her. How dare you drag her into this lifestyle just to hurt her in the end?? After reading this, I am beginning to reconsider this lifestyle. I love my man too much to jeopordize our relationship.