Condom/Bareback Situation

[VanessaV 15]

Well, the situation now involves a guy I have been seeing from few months back. He is in the lifestyle (actually there is where I met him)

 

Ok, to make the story short, at parties and with couples, etc. he always uses latex. However, since some time ago we developed a certain level of comfort with each other, so I accepted going bareback with him.

 

I actually thought he was doing it like that only with me at the moment, but I just came to know that he also goes condomless with other 2 girls... 'of his complete trust' as he says...

 

Honestly, I am not happy at all with the idea of going condomless with someone who also goes condomless with other people.. so I told him I would not go without latex with him anymore.. which made him really upset.

 

What I want to ask is... am I overreacting? Should I be OK with continuing without latex because 'hey, I did it already, right?'... Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is my point of not wanting to bareback with him anymore valid or I am being too 'fussy'?

 

The truth is that I am really confused here...

 

Thank you for reading my post and I will appreciate all of your inputs.

 

V.

[Playingnow 39]

Your not over reacting at all! If you do not feel safe, Don't do it. If this guy can not accept this, tell him good bye! Whom is to say the other girls he goes without, my have something you don't want to get. Him? Like taking a firearm from someone. Do you trust them saying it is unloaded or do you check it yourself.

 

My SO and I have a rule. If we say no, IT MEANS NO! If the other can't accept that, Too Bad and move on.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I said it before and I'll say it again. No, you're not overreacting. No, you shouldn't be OK with continuing to go bareback with him. No, you shouldn't go bareback with him... and given his attitude, I say you shouldn't *anything* with him.

 

You deserve better than this guy.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

If it is not within your comfort level, then you have the right to not do it. Thank him for his honesty, appreciate his feelings, but make sure he understands that you aren't comfortable with it and you will not play without condoms in this case.

[VanessaV 15]

Hello again all and thank you for your inputs

 

Well, things just got more... interesting.. to call them that way... I talked to him and told him that honestly I was not very comfortable with the idea, so we would have to go with latex only since he doesn't bareback exclusively with me.

 

He got soooo pissed off!! He started telling me things such as, it's not fair that I am changing things now, that we were having something so good and that he doesn't want to go back to latex because he feels that I am 'downgrading' him... that he loves feeling me skin to skin and we have such a great thing together and now with my issues I am ruining everything, that he cares a lot about me and that makes him feel very bad that I treat him that way. That he is not someone who goes and fucks anyone like that and etc etc... o.O

 

You see.. he just won't stop 'barebacking' with those other girls.. specially with one of them because now I learned that she is a former/current girlfriend with whom he breaks up and comes back in a regular basis I guess... and that now they are on the pre-come back phase.. (??????), oh and who, of course, has no idea that he swings.. (even more ??????)

 

So, supposedly, now he is incredibly offended and mad at me because of my 'latex' demands... Wow, was it really such a huge offense to tell him that I don't want to bareback with him anymore?? Is he just the biggest asshole I could have run into??

 

Please! give me your opinions!!

 

Thank you

 

V.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

My opinion is you should tell him "Thanks for the fun. Good luck to you", and be done with him.

-And yes, REALLY be done with him.

[slevin 1,374]

He's a manipulative guy. The language that you relayed is classic manipulation technique. You're better off without him. If he cared so much about you and wanted to be that intimate with you then he'd respect your choices. You're better off without him. All around sounds like a guy to avoid.

[km34 672]

My opinion is you should tell him "Thanks for the fun. Good luck to you", and be done with him.

-And yes, REALLY be done with him.

 

I second this!

 

First of all - as lame as it may sound, the whole "you're sleeping with every person he's sleeping with AND everyone they've ever slept with" thing is completely accurate.

 

Second of all - he is cheating on the other woman (his on again off again girlfriend) whenever they are "on again" and he fucks you.

 

Thirdly - he doesn't seem to have ANY respect for you AT ALL if he wasn't up front about his sexual practices in the first place. Asking you to trust these other people just because he does is not cool.

 

Finally - ditch the dude. For good. Forever. Latex or no. Just don't go there. That's my advice.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

You are not overreacting. You are smart. If you are really concerned make him wear a condom. That is the reason you wanted him to wear one in the first place. You have to decide if going bareback or losing an incredible lover is worth it. If he thinks you are worth the effort he will respect your wishes. If he is fucking lots of other women why can't you fuck other men? I'm sure you'll find one better than him. I like to go bareback so I know how it feels.

[Chicup 41]

My opinion is you should tell him "Thanks for the fun. Good luck to you", and be done with him.

-And yes, REALLY be done with him.

 

Yep. Guys like this is why STD's are spread so easily.

 

Another issue is that even without the major STD's going bareback with multiple women seems to increase the chance of things like yeast infections and the like in our experience. I could get into a long biological mechanism for why this would make sense, but basically bacteria in all vaginas are not the same.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

He's a manipulative guy. The language that you relayed is classic manipulation technique. You're better off without him. If he cared so much about you and wanted to be that intimate with you then he'd respect your choices. You're better off without him. All around sounds like a guy to avoid.

 

Quoted for truth. Drop him like a hot rock.

 

Said it before, saying it again: You deserve better!

[VanessaV 15]

Thank you for your responses

 

They have helped me seeing the situation much more clearly

 

Yeah... seems that I must definitely say good bye to this guy... Too bad.. I really liked him.. but yeah, I am totally disappointed and discouraged about him with his attitude. He is showing that he only cares about having things done his way and not a bit about me... (or.. anyone actually). That sucks.

[VanessaV 15]

Another issue is that even without the major STD's going bareback with multiple women seems to increase the chance of things like yeast infections and the like in our experience. I could get into a long biological mechanism for why this would make sense, but basically bacteria in all vaginas are not the same.

 

 

Chicup, if it is possible for you to get into the long biological explanation about that, or if you could tell me where to find it, it would be very much appreciated

 

Thank you!!

[Powerglide 235]

This guy just won the Selfish Sweepstakes. Show him the door. (Yes, he is the biggest asshole you could have run into.) Swingers differ on bareback vs condom, but one thing almost everyone agrees on is that there can be no compromise on respect for your swing partner and her wishes. His attempt to verbally coerce you into something you're not comfortable with is a total deal breaker.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My opinion is you should tell him "Thanks for the fun. Good luck to you", and be done with him.

-And yes, REALLY be done with him.

 

He's a manipulative guy. The language that you relayed is classic manipulation technique. You're better off without him. If he cared so much about you and wanted to be that intimate with you then he'd respect your choices. You're better off without him. All around sounds like a guy to avoid.

 

Have to agree with both of the above.

 

However, I also have to add something I'm surprised no one else has said. If he's willing to go bareback with you, then you need to assume (for future reference) that he's also doing it with others. Unless you are exclusive with him (and him with you), if a guy is sleeping with multiple women and he's going bareback with any of them, chances are he's doing it with all of them. I'd go so far as to say that it's likely the same for most women.

[slevin 1,374]

Have to agree with both of the above.

 

However, I also have to add something I'm surprised no one else has said. If he's willing to go bareback with you, then you need to assume (for future reference) that he's also doing it with others. Unless you are exclusive with him (and him with you), if a guy is sleeping with multiple women and he's going bareback with any of them, chances are he's doing it with all of them. I'd go so far as to say that it's likely the same for most women.

 

Good point. This is a good reason to have full and open communication. Be up front that if you go bareback with him you expect that he will not go bareback with anyone else. Be specific too, that means no other single women, no couples, no parties, no groups etc. That said, it may be best to assume that he is going bareback with others anyway, from a pure risk management perspective. This is why we've elected to require condoms with everyone.

[Chicup 41]

Chicup, if it is possible for you to get into the long biological explanation about that, or if you could tell me where to find it, it would be very much appreciated

 

Thank you!!

 

This sort of thing isn't my specialty directly and I've only come to this theory after reading multiple posts and my wife's experiences.

 

For example there was one couple we were exclusive with early on and did the bareback thing with being we were young and stupid. Mrs. Chicup was getting regular yeast infections and could not determine the source. I found out years later the other woman was during that time as well. Once we stopped swinging with them she never had one again. For a while there was a pause in our swinging with them for 2 years. She was yeast infection free. As soon as we started, it started up again. Due to playing solo for a spell for MFM's, my wife was STILL getting the yeast infections despite the only connection between the two women being my penis. At times I would come home and have sex with her after having sex with the other woman without showering.

 

Anyways I'm a scientist enough to know to see a very strong correlation. Plus as I said I found out a few years later the other woman was having a similar problem.

 

I've read posts here and other places where women were complaining about frequent yeast infections while swinging as well as bacterial vaginosis.

 

Now the long biology part comes down to various bacterial and evolutionary theories. Its pure speculation on my part though.

[drinnt 201]

Hi VanessaV. The only thing that matters about everything you wrote was when you said "Honestly, I am not happy at all with the idea of going condomless with someone who also goes condomless with other people." That is ALL you need to know. It's bare, honest 100% truth. If your partner will not respect that, it's sad, but perhaps they care more about their sensation than they do your wants & needs. What kind of partner is that? Your confusion is your desire to still be with him and knowing that you have the power whether that continues or not. I guess in the end you will choose who you love more, him and his needs or yourself and yours. Being respectful and protective of your health and safety is not what I would call "fussy", it would be considered highly intelligent ESPECIALLY where he is bareback with other women who are comfortable with him being bareback with others...that MAY indicate their level of promiscuity. Worth the risk?

 

Steve

[drinnt 201]

To piggyback Chiccup. My wife has also experienced both bacterial and yeast infections. Particularly after playing with one partner / couple. Once in 2004 and once in 2012. So...yeah it was no coincidence. The other guys is a doctor. He provided direct confirmation that "yes, sometimes one person's flora simply does not get along with another person's."

[tribbles 490]

Agree with Chicup. My vaginal normal and others can be different enough that guys eating them then me, leaves me with yeast trouble. It makes sense. It's also why some wash toys between use with others or use condoms on toys.

 

Oh while bigger assholes are out there, this guy is not a keeper either. He is bare with others and who are THEY bare with besides him? It's a long chain of folks doing 'just a few good friends' bare and you are in the mix without wanting to be. It's different if you know and accept it.

 

He wasn't open and is trying to be manipulative. To me that screams 'run away'. Cuz you can do better.

[VanessaV 15]

Hello!

 

Thank you for all your replies

 

Yes, you are right, the fact of him not being upfront since the beginning and his totally wrong attitude is a complete deal breaker. This teaches that in future, things must always be clear since the beginning and yes, assume that if a man is willing to go bareback with me, most likely he is doing the same with others.

 

True, there are bigger assholes out there, but the level of 'assholedness' of this one is enough for me to run... ahh well... everyday we get a new lesson I guess

[VanessaV 15]

Also, the issue about the yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis is very interesting and that I really had no idea about.

 

All those add up to the weight of the "bareback exclusive" argument. Those things, even when not serious illnesses, are something really uncomfortable and not nice to deal with (specially the vaginosis :S )

[starman 17]

You are lucky to get out of a relationship where he doesn't seem to care about your health. Going bareback requires a certain level of trust and respect for both partners. He has shown you such disrespect by not using condoms when he is fucking other women. So as I said you are lucky to get out. There are plenty of other men out there and there not all such assholes. Happy partying.

[Alura 2,774]

His willingness to resort to anger in a discussion is more reason to look elsewhere for a "real" relationship than his willingness to go bareback with multiple partners, which is "deal breaker" enough by itself.

 

Head for the hills, Vanessa!

 

Alura

[twistedpretzels 100]

Yes, while Pete was active with 3 women I basically had non stop yeast and BV for about 5 months. We also soft swapped with a couple and I ended up with an infection. "hello, doctor, it's my vagina calling again... lol" I had 2-4 breakouts a month- alternating yeast and BV. One fem Pete was initially interested in a kind of poly relationship got tested the same week we got tested. Unfortunately, rather than exchanging test results we just believed her 'no news i good news' bill of health (hell? lol). I broke out in Herpes. She went and 'double checked' her results and she had HSV2. She was a nurse (is that what those break outs were??? golly gosh). My scraping results came back a week or so later and I had HSV1 (below the beltline). I guess I was overstressed from Pete and I working on our boundaries and rules and all the fn yeast and BV infections I had had (also stressed from job). Since we stepped back for 4 months I have been infection free. We never told her I had HSV1, but she did suggest we continue on since we were all infected now. Nope, you can't be too careful. This is an interesting post. I will have to share it with Pete. Thanks Chiccup the Hiccup!

[VanessaV 15]

Thank you for your replies!! They are really very helpful and I totally take them into account

 

Head for the hills, Vanessa!

 

Alura

 

For the hills is right where I'm heading!!!!

 

V

[WesternSwing 504]

In my opinion, if you want to go condomless with him, then he better be producing recent STD tests for himself and his other partners. If he refuses, I'd stop swinging with him altogether. Keep in mind also, that he seems to be lackadaisical about condom use, so you may not be able to trust him to practice safe sex beyond you and these other two women.

[starman 17]

Vanessa, Just drop him. There are many men out here in the world who would gladly want to be with you and to respect you as a fellow human being. From the info on this thread, it is obvious that diseases can be spread by a guy being bareback with multiples partners. So if you want just one guy in your life to enjoy going bareback with, then he must respect you and his own health by using a condom with other partners, just as you would want your other partners to use a condom. So move on and find a guy who really respects you and himself. If he doesn't respect you, then he does not respect himself.

[IEcouple 222]

I agree with everything the others said. It's true that you don't have the right to insist that he not bareback with other women. No one can force anyone to do anything, and it's especially difficult to insist on it in a swinging context, where multiple partners is the whole point!

 

But if he gave you the impression that he was exclusive with you in that way, then he's the one that changed the rules first, not you. And even if you changed the rules first, so what? You have the right to change the rules whenever you want to adapt to your comfort level. He has the right to not like it, but he doesn't have to be a jerk about it.

 

It always amazes me how people can feel entitled to something instead of feeling lucky to have it.

[Guest sdsevits]

No you have every right

To protect yourself and your partner

If he doesn't understand then tell him goodbye. He needs to respect your feelings in order to be with you. It's your choice whether a lover wears protection not his!