Is he loving me or her?

[couple222 15]

So we have taken the first step and joined some friends for a great evening. Her breasts are much bigger than mine. I am a "A" cup. My husband couldn't get enough of her "C" cups and he practically mauled her the whole time.

 

Now he is constantly talking, to me, about how great her big breasts were. The other thing is, he really never paid any attention to mine over the years but now all he wants to do is suck my nipples. Kind of makes me think that he is not sucking my nipples but in his mind, is sucking on her's.

 

Here is the other problem. Her husband is a little longer and much thicker than my husband. Now when my husband is doing me, it doesn't feel like it use too. My husband sort of feels less than normal if you can figure that out. Or is it because her husband took a whole lot more time in foreplay than my husband ever does and got me off a couple of times before slipping it in me.

 

Are these normal feelings after sharing someone else? Or am I imagining this?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Following people's first sex-with-others experiences there will be surprises. There certainy were for my wife and I.

 

You will learn a lot about your husband and about yourself. Now what you will want to do is to tell him about how you feel about his reaction and about your reactions. He will probably have things to say to you too. Keep yourselves open to change but be ready to stop if your new activities begin to erode your relationship.

[Tobacouple 111]

I think you both need to put the brakes on and talk about your 1st experience and the resulting feelings and behaviors. In what you've said, I'm sensing that this 1st experience has raised some insecurities with in your relationship. These need to be openly and honestly addressed before you continue to swing. It's been said over and over that "communications is key in swinging" and the reason it's said over and over is because it is the most important component in successful relationships followed closely by trust and respect. Swinging can be a great experience that can bring a couple closer together or it can be one that can expose weaknesses in the relationship.

[wifes_toy 53]

A few things: First off I agree with communicate! Be honest but not brutal. Saying things like "I really liked how he did ..." or "you've never gotten into my breasts so much before!" If him talking too much about her bothers, you say so!

 

Also "loving" or "sex?" My wife and I make love and have sex. Some times we have sex with others. Some times we think of other while we have sex. It's part of life. Also maybe he just discovered he likes nipples. Maybe he found, or she told him, a way that turned her on and he is bringing that bit of info back to you. Have to ask.

 

Swinging offers variety, for us that is part of the point. Each of us is built a little different. In our case the wife has some physical limitations that make some positions impossible for us. Some of my favorite positions are very difficult for her. When with others I get to do those other positions and with much greater "flexibility." By the same token she has a feel during penetration I love and I am sure is a treat for other men. Some times she can do positions with other men she can't do with me because of my height or build. We understand this between us because we have talked it out.

[DigginIt 1,132]

So we have taken the first step and joined some friends for a great evening. Her breasts are much bigger than mine. I am a "A" cup. My husband couldn't get enough of her "C" cups and he practically mauled her the whole time.

 

Now he is constantly talking, to me, about how great her big breasts were. The other thing is, he really never paid any attention to mine over the years but now all he wants to do is suck my nipples. Kind of makes me think that he is not sucking my nipples but in his mind, is sucking on her's.

 

Here is the other problem. Her husband is a little longer and much thicker than my husband. Now when my husband is doing me, it doesn't feel like it use too. My husband sort of feels less than normal if you can figure that out. Or is it because her husband took a whole lot more time in foreplay than my husband ever does and got me off a couple of times before slipping it in me.

 

Are these normal feelings after sharing someone else? Or am I imagining this?

 

Okay, wow, this screams drama in the works. I'm going to be a little more blunt but think you both need to step back and have some deep, heartfelt discusssions.

 

Individual thoughts on your post:

 

Him and the breasts hangup...new experience, chalk it up to being with someone new and a little over enthusiastic. His paying more attention to yours should be seen as a benefit of your experience, a renewed since of excitement that is unfolding in your own relationship. I think you are overanalyzing it.

 

You on how it doesn't feel the same with your husband. That comment has emotionally detached/screwed up all over it. I have sex with different women, my wife with different men and we never think, hmm, you don't feel the same any more. I'm not a professional but my guess is you are emotionally, not viewing lovemaking with your husband the same now.

 

I do not think they are normal, in fact, far from it. Appreciation of others - normal, less appreciation of your spouse - way off base.

 

Time to sit down and talk. Good luck.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

So we have taken the first step and joined some friends for a great evening. Her breasts are much bigger than mine. I am a "A" cup. My husband couldn't get enough of her "C" cups and he practically mauled her the whole time.

 

Now he is constantly talking, to me, about how great her big breasts were. The other thing is, he really never paid any attention to mine over the years but now all he wants to do is suck my nipples. Kind of makes me think that he is not sucking my nipples but in his mind, is sucking on her's.

 

Here is the other problem. Her husband is a little longer and much thicker than my husband. Now when my husband is doing me, it doesn't feel like it use too. My husband sort of feels less than normal if you can figure that out. Or is it because her husband took a whole lot more time in foreplay than my husband ever does and got me off a couple of times before slipping it in me.

 

Are these normal feelings after sharing someone else? Or am I imagining this?

 

DigginIt is right, this type of thinking is shaky ground.

 

Everyone is different. You can learn a lot from new partners and use that to improve your own sex life. But, when you get into comparing people as better, or normal you run into hurt feelings.

 

We always talk after about what we liked about an experience. Some things like techniques or positions we can try together. Some things like big boobs or dicks we can't, but we can be happy that the other person got to experience it and enjoy it. I have been with bigger guys, and while it was great, it did not change the way I feel about having sex with my husband. In fact other guys made me orgasm through penetration before he did. It wasn't a problem, it was cool that it happened, and after a while it happened with my husband too.

 

I would sit down with your husband, agree that you can say anything without the other getting angry about your feelings and then each discuss what you liked and didn't like about the swap. Don't compare to each other, just say what you liked. If you really liked getting off before penetration, tell him and try it when you have sex.

 

As far as thinking about her nipples while having sex with you? Honestly, there's no crime in that. I'm sure he's imagined many nipples besides yours during sex. That is normal. The great thing is now you can be open about it, it can be amazing and sexy! We often talk about playmates in bed and find that to be really fun. It is not a threat to you, your relationship or his attraction to you.

[DigginIt 1,132]

So much more eloquent than my post...great input and great examples.

 

An afterthought, Couple222, and I'm sorry if this may already be posted elsewhere, but what were you two looking to get out of swinging? With Mrs. Diggs and I, it was to rekindle those feelings of lust that just subside over time. I ask because maybe taking a look at your reasoning may help both of you make better decisions moving forward.

 

It was your choice of words that set the tone of the post, little things like "he practically mauled her the whole time" that gave me the pending train wreck feeling. It presented a resentful feeling towards him coupled with some possible insecurity and then it closes with what I take away as self imposed passive aggressive punishment to distance yourself from your husband emotionally.

 

I will go out on a limb here and say that after 12 years together (15 now but 12 years was when we entered the LS) we took way too much about each other for granted. It wasn't until we started swinging that we remembered why we fell in love in the first place and we stopped taking each other for granted. Our sex life, which was already great, got even better. You said your husband hasn't paid attention to your breasts in years. I really view that as a renewed appreciation for you, the woman he loves.

 

This is a defining moment in your lives. You are sitting here, harboring these feelings and sharing them with us and not with the one person who should mean more to you than anyone else in the world. This is where we say that, you have to have good communication. This is where swingers fail most often. They think they talk but they aren't truly honest with their feelings, with their spouses and with themselves.

[drinnt 201]

This is a defining moment in your lives. You are sitting here, harboring these feelings and sharing them with us and not with the one person who should mean more to you than anyone else in the world. This is where we say that, you have to have good communication. This is where swingers fail most often. They think they talk but they aren't truly honest with their feelings, with their spouses and with themselves.

 

Hi Couple222. What DigginIt is saying is very true. I came here seeking a pearl of wisdom today because I am locked up in figuring something out for myself and am afraid that if I am totally honest with my wife she will feel like I am making her wrong. Truth is a lot of insecurities get flushed out when we engage in swinging. They often don't come to light until later and no matter how great the experience there is always something lurking. How can we have the best chance to succeed and be 100% in the moment if we are only 80% honest? DigginIt is right. Be truly honest, not brutal, but truly.

 

Another thing about examining what we want out of swinging - it will provide us the template we need to make proper choices and create successful experiences. I am encouraged to examine what I want out of swinging after EVERY encounter. Why? Because I'm always learning something new about myself and about my relationship. Plus my wife is learning too - it would be unfair and unrealistic to expect to operate at status quo because things change over time.

 

Steve

[couple222 15]

You people are so right! My husband and I have discussed our feelings about this. He says, Yes her big breasts were a turn on . He didn't want me to feel bad about his attention to her breasts. The fact is, he never had the opportunity to have large breasts. He didn't want me to think about his attack on her's so he has been paying much more attention to mine.

 

As far as our friends larger penis, Well I have to say, it was different. But talking with my husband, I don't think it is the size but the way he done me. I explained to my husband what happened and he agrees and wants to try different things. I guess I was caught up in the experience when I first posted. I do feel my husband but have gotten so use to him that a different penis in me gave me a different feeling. We "Made Love" last night and things were way different. Your right! Sex is one thing and "Making Love" is whole differently.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The breasts: He might be fantasizing about hers, or maybe being introduced to someone else's has given him a new appreciation for all boobies (and yours especially). Enjoy it. Even if he is thinking about hers, it's no different than what you are doing in regards to his cock.

 

The dicks: If it was a lack of foreplay on his part, it would make you feel like he was bigger, not smaller (because you'd be less lubed and tighter). Chances are it's just that after so many years getting used to his cock, you had a larger one and now you are comparing them. You might try some other positions that allow for greater penetration - you on top can be a good one.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I will take a slightly different tack on this than most have taken.

 

After our first couple swap we were both exhilarated and made comments about our experience. I talked about how great the blow job she gave me was and my wife talked about how he had rocked her world. In the giddy aftermath neither of us thought much about what we were saying, how the other was taking it, for that matter what exactly what we were hearing. The next day I was a little dismayed. HE ROCKED HER WORLD. Did I still, or EVER rock her world like that? She was thinking "Wow, she was a hell of lot better at blow jobs than me, and he REALLY excited about it." We both had a little self doubt.

 

Here is where I diverge a bit from previous post. We could have gone down the drama path and our marriage would have suffered. But we didn't, we talked about our thoughts and feelings about the experience and what each of us had said. Even though we both had an awesome time, we did not love each other any less, and in some ways we discovered new ways we loved each other, so you could say our love actually grew. I set my sights on making sure I learned how to rock her world better than anyone else and she set out to 'perfect' the art of blow jobs. She has surpassed any blow job I have ever had, BY FAR. And just the other night as I collapsed in exhaustion she rolled over to me with the wildest eyes I have ever seen and wanted to know what I have done differently because it was the most intense orgasms she had ever had. We had great sex before we started swinging, but two and a half years into the lifestyle we are still upping the sexual energy between us.

 

Now we are both eager to talk after swinging hoping that the other was blown away by the experience because we know a few things now that we didn't know when we started. First, if someone does something we like we will almost certainly adopt it into our sexual portfolio for each other, so we both continue to find new techniques and things we like. Second, as great as sex can be, sex between two people that love each other is always better in our minds, but it doesn't make sex with strangers any less fun. And finally is the "new toy" effect. No matter how much we continue to improve our sex lives together, there is one thing that swinging can provide that neither of us can, and that is a sexual experience with someone that is totally new. With over 20 years of marriage, there is just no way we can achieve that NEWNESS no matter how hard we try or what new tricks we learn, we just know each other too well for that. The "newness" factor is a huge rush, kind of like that best parts of dating without all the drama and downsides. That "newness" rush intensifies the experience as well and we are both aware of that and it does not bother either of us. To the contrary, when we get to talk afterwards we look forward to the other having had a great experience and are disappointed if the other did not have the WOW experience.

 

So you have a choice, which road to take. Are the two of you going to let the WOW factor turn into jealousy and a break down of relationship OR are you going to communicate well with each other and embrace the great experiences you have and turn it into positives in your own marriage?

 

Our path may not be for everyone, but it sure has turned out extremely well for us. We are more in love today than ever. So much so it makes out kids sick, lol.

[LFM2 1,482]

You people are so right! My husband and I have discussed our feelings about this. He says, Yes her big breasts were a turn on . He didn't want me to feel bad about his attention to her breasts. The fact is, he never had the opportunity to have large breasts. He didn't want me to think about his attack on her's so he has been paying much more attention to mine.

 

As far as our friends larger penis, Well I have to say, it was different. But talking with my husband, I don't think it is the size but the way he done me. I explained to my husband what happened and he agrees and wants to try different things. I guess I was caught up in the experience when I first posted. I do feel my husband but have gotten so use to him that a different penis in me gave me a different feeling. We "Made Love" last night and things were way different. Your right! Sex is one thing and "Making Love" is whole differently.

 

Making love is definitely different than having sex. I can have sex all day long with someone, but I only make love to Dave. He's still, after all these years, the only one that "gets" me.

 

People swing for all sorts of reasons. One is for variety. Dave has been married to me for the last hundred years. I'd hate to think that poor bastard has to suffer for his next hundred years with just me. I want him to experience different women. If he wants to experience a woman who has larger or smaller breasts, go for it. Maybe a natural redhead, or a blonde, or maybe a woman with shorter hair, longer hair. It doesn't' matter. I want him to experience something new.

 

I actually love it that he talks with me about "her" big boobs or "her" smaller butt. It doesn't mean he loves me any less... to him, she was just "different". Maybe that's what your husband is doing... he's just excited about something new, ya think?

[bigdandlola12 16]

You will learn a lot about your husband and about yourself. Now what you will want to do is to tell him about how you feel about his reaction and about your reactions. He will probably have things to say to you too. Keep yourselves open to change but be ready to stop if your new activities begin to erode your relationship.

 

Tell him how u are feeling. He probably doesn't even realize those times he talks about her breasts bother you. Sometimes men think we are ok since the encounter so if they talk about stuff and it bothers her, she would tell me right? My hubby after our threesome told me some stuff and it bothered me to hear it, but i got over it So continue with the open lines of communication and good luck...

[Playingnow 39]

Hi there couple222!

 

So I hear you figured out the emotions. Remember what we told you both. We separate love from sex. You know we are willing to do what ever you desire and can discuss your emotions too.

 

We just got back from vacation and have some hot stories to tell you. Maybe one day you to can work towards the pleasures we encountered this past two weeks.

[drinnt 201]

Making love is definitely different than having sex. I can have sex all day long with someone, but I only make love to Dave. He's still, after all these years, the only one that "gets" me.

 

Ya know...I get the gyst of this saying but I've always had a problem with this notion in general. Maybe it's just me but there is something about sex that makes it more than "just sex". Maybe it's the level of trust I have to have to do that with someone. Maybe I'm self-protecting my relationship by only viewing it in a way that I can handle and keep perspective. In some ways I think we people in the lifestyle devalue sex to something we just "do". Almost to the point where we would be more upset seeing our spouse walking down the street with a swing buddy holding their hand lovingly - but the sex is just sex. My recovering Catholic brain has had a hard time ironing out these philosophical wrinkles. But when it comes down to managing it emotionally I think it takes A LOT of practice, honesty with your partner(s) and honesty with ourselves to really, truly learn to LIVE like sex is just sex. Take the "threat" out of it I guess.

 

I have had "sex" with other partners in the LS. Sometimes its just sex (blah / boring / rather be with my wife) and sometimes there is a deeper connection that sets off rockets. It's just "sex" in as much as I'm not going to leave my wife because I have an earth-shattering connection with another woman...but I think this expression trivializes all the work we have to do on our relationships and on ourselves to get to the point where we can say that. It does take a LOT for a person to be able to say "sex is just sex" and REALLY REALLY mean it 100% of the time...which I propose is unrealistic and/or rare.

 

For me it comes up a lot in striking a balance in relationships we have with other couples. Sex is just sex, sure, but when my wife OR I are having a wonderful connection on many levels with our swing buddy but the other of us is not really feeling it on the same level with our swing buddy...it's okay but the "sex" slowly becomes a little more than just sex now. Why? Because the relationship is out of balance...one person is getting more out of their experience than the other. One person is giving up that great "connection" with their spouse, watching their spouse get something "like it" back from their partner while they are experiencing "just sex" and are a little lacking in what they are getting. At that point the sex becomes more than sex. Call it sex with a connection if making love is too hard to swallow - but it becomes MORE THAN JUST SEX. We need to be honest with OURSELVES first and our PARTNERS second to keep things status quo.

 

Now I realize that there are MANY different perspectives out there. There are people who have the ability to get down and walk away like it was a handshake. And there are people who don't have sex unless they know everyone very very well...and everything in between. This is just my rambling on the topic that struck a cord. Sharing it brings me one step closer to having some realizations that I clearly need to have as well.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

 

Now I realize that there are MANY different perspectives out there. There are people who have the ability to get down and walk away like it was a handshake. And there are people who don't have sex unless they know everyone very very well...and everything in between. This is just my rambling on the topic that struck a cord. Sharing it brings me one step closer to having some realizations that I clearly need to have as well.

I believe you've gotten right to the core of it. Maybe not just like a handshake but close to that. My wife and I are more on the handshake side than the must-know-you-first side. And this is largely what makes it easy for us.

 

 

 

Sent using Tapatalk

[shrevecouple 252]

Ya know...I get the gyst of this saying but I've always had a problem with this notion in general. Maybe it's just me but there is something about sex that makes it more than "just sex". Maybe it's the level of trust I have to have to do that with someone. Maybe I'm self-protecting my relationship by only viewing it in a way that I can handle and keep perspective. In some ways I think we people in the lifestyle devalue sex to something we just "do". Almost to the point where we would be more upset seeing our spouse walking down the street with a swing buddy holding their hand lovingly - but the sex is just sex. My recovering Catholic brain has had a hard time ironing out these philosophical wrinkles. But when it comes down to managing it emotionally I think it takes A LOT of practice, honesty with your partner(s) and honesty with ourselves to really, truly learn to LIVE like sex is just sex. Take the "threat" out of it I guess.

 

I have had "sex" with other partners in the LS. Sometimes its just sex (blah / boring / rather be with my wife) and sometimes there is a deeper connection that sets off rockets. It's just "sex" in as much as I'm not going to leave my wife because I have an earth-shattering connection with another woman...but I think this expression trivializes all the work we have to do on our relationships and on ourselves to get to the point where we can say that. It does take a LOT for a person to be able to say "sex is just sex" and REALLY REALLY mean it 100% of the time...which I propose is unrealistic and/or rare.

 

For me it comes up a lot in striking a balance in relationships we have with other couples. Sex is just sex, sure, but when my wife OR I are having a wonderful connection on many levels with our swing buddy but the other of us is not really feeling it on the same level with our swing buddy...it's okay but the "sex" slowly becomes a little more than just sex now. Why? Because the relationship is out of balance...one person is getting more out of their experience than the other. One person is giving up that great "connection" with their spouse, watching their spouse get something "like it" back from their partner while they are experiencing "just sex" and are a little lacking in what they are getting. At that point the sex becomes more than sex. Call it sex with a connection if making love is too hard to swallow - but it becomes MORE THAN JUST SEX. We need to be honest with OURSELVES first and our PARTNERS second to keep things status quo.

 

Now I realize that there are MANY different perspectives out there. There are people who have the ability to get down and walk away like it was a handshake. And there are people who don't have sex unless they know everyone very very well...and everything in between. This is just my rambling on the topic that struck a cord. Sharing it brings me one step closer to having some realizations that I clearly need to have as well.

 

Ding fucking dong

[drinnt 201]

I believe you've gotten right to the core of it. Maybe not just like a handshake but close to that. My wife and I are more on the handshake side than the must-know-you-first side. And this is largely what makes it easy for us.

Sent using Tapatalk

 

This notion of treating sex as just sex making swinging easier is a real "chicken or the egg" thing for me.

 

Is it easy because you treat is as "just sex" or is it "just sex" because swinging is some how just easier for you?

 

No one but me can answer that question FOR me. I don't think any one would attempt to either - just saying that I'm engaged in active pursuit of that answer and LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea that I could have the capacity to be that way. Can I learn that behavior? More importantly can I UNLEARN my current behavior? We're WAY outside the realm of swinging now. This is Darwinian / Freudian nature vs. nurture shit. LOL

 

For now I simply aim to be happy with myself, make choices I am comfortable with and see what time and experience shall bring of it. Answer to come in 10 years...

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

just saying that I'm engaged in active pursuit of that answer and LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea that I could have the capacity to be that way. Can I learn that behavior? More importantly can I UNLEARN my current behavior? We're WAY outside the realm of swinging now.

 

Maybe another perspective would be helpful.

 

For us swinging is just sex. Sure we make friends, we absolutely want to get to know people before we swing with them, to a degree. If we click we have no problem getting to know them better out of the bed room (or where every we decide to play) as well.

 

What separates sex for us from an emotional connection, or at least one beyond close friendship, is really everything else. My wife is the first and last person I see (or speak with when I am traveling) everyday. Sex with my wife is great, but so is talking, holding hands, cuddling up on the sofa, having dinner and even texting.All those things, and more, move me when I do them with my wife. It is the emotional connection. But the emotional connection is no more and no less strong when we have sex than any other thing we do together.

 

Sex is a very personal, even a ery intimate thing, but it is not love nor does it define love. That would be true for us even if we did not swing. Sex is something occurs between us within the context of our love. And so is everything else. Sex with others is intimate, but it is not in context of love. Does it devalue love? No, love is there with or without sex. Does it devalue sex? No, no more than friendship with others devalue our friendship with each other. As the love of my life, my wife is my best friend, my best sexual partner as well. Having other friends, even very close friends does not devalue our friendship. Having sex with others does not devalue sex between us either.

 

I hope that makes sense. Good luck in your quest for answers.

[LFM2 1,482]

Ya know...I get the gyst of this saying but I've always had a problem with this notion in general. Maybe it's just me but there is something about sex that makes it more than "just sex". Maybe it's the level of trust I have to have to do that with someone. Maybe I'm self-protecting my relationship by only viewing it in a way that I can handle and keep perspective. In some ways I think we people in the lifestyle devalue sex to something we just "do". Almost to the point where we would be more upset seeing our spouse walking down the street with a swing buddy holding their hand lovingly - but the sex is just sex. My recovering Catholic brain has had a hard time ironing out these philosophical wrinkles. But when it comes down to managing it emotionally I think it takes A LOT of practice, honesty with your partner(s) and honesty with ourselves to really, truly learn to LIVE like sex is just sex. Take the "threat" out of it I guess.

 

I don't think I devalue sex in any way. I do, however, in my swinging relationships consider it just sex. I like all my partners, but I don't want to have an emotional bond with them. I already have that emotional bond with my husband. Why would I want to consider swinging to be anything more? My recovering Catholic brain has no problem with this. It's just two minds (yours and mine) who think differently. Or... maybe I'm not really understanding what you're meaning.

 

I have had "sex" with other partners in the LS. Sometimes its just sex (blah / boring / rather be with my wife) and sometimes there is a deeper connection that sets off rockets. It's just "sex" in as much as I'm not going to leave my wife because I have an earth-shattering connection with another woman...but I think this expression trivializes all the work we have to do on our relationships and on ourselves to get to the point where we can say that. It does take a LOT for a person to be able to say "sex is just sex" and REALLY REALLY mean it 100% of the time...which I propose is unrealistic and/or rare.

 

For me it comes up a lot in striking a balance in relationships we have with other couples. Sex is just sex, sure, but when my wife OR I are having a wonderful connection on many levels with our swing buddy but the other of us is not really feeling it on the same level with our swing buddy...it's okay but the "sex" slowly becomes a little more than just sex now. Why? Because the relationship is out of balance...one person is getting more out of their experience than the other. One person is giving up that great "connection" with their spouse, watching their spouse get something "like it" back from their partner while they are experiencing "just sex" and are a little lacking in what they are getting. At that point the sex becomes more than sex. Call it sex with a connection if making love is too hard to swallow - but it becomes MORE THAN JUST SEX. We need to be honest with OURSELVES first and our PARTNERS second to keep things status quo.

 

It's pretty obvious our views of sex differ. We have wonderful connections with our play partners, but still to us, it's just sex. Actually, I think our ways of thinking are polar opposites of what we both want out of swinging. It doesn't make anyone wrong... we're just different.

 

Now I realize that there are MANY different perspectives out there. There are people who have the ability to get down and walk away like it was a handshake. And there are people who don't have sex unless they know everyone very very well...and everything in between. This is just my rambling on the topic that struck a cord. Sharing it brings me one step closer to having some realizations that I clearly need to have as well.

 

Yes, ours is more like a handshake. Almost when it's over, we have to ask what their first names were again.... I joke of course, but we don't have to know anyone really well, or very, very well, as it seems you do. I could be wrong of course. We have swinger friends who we enjoy vanilla activities together, but we don't have to have this. In fact, the more I know a person, the more unattractive they might become. But again, like you said, there are many different perspectives out there.

[drinnt 201]

Maybe another perspective would be helpful.

 

For us swinging is just sex. Sure we make friends, we absolutely want to get to know people before we swing with them, to a degree. If we click we have no problem getting to know them better out of the bed room (or where every we decide to play) as well.

 

What separates sex for us from an emotional connection, or at least one beyond close friendship, is really everything else. My wife is the first and last person I see (or speak with when I am traveling) everyday. Sex with my wife is great, but so is talking, holding hands, cuddling up on the sofa, having dinner and even texting.All those things, and more, move me when I do them with my wife. It is the emotional connection. But the emotional connection is no more and no less strong when we have sex than any other thing we do together.

 

Sex is a very personal, even a ery intimate thing, but it is not love nor does it define love. That would be true for us even if we did not swing. Sex is something occurs between us within the context of our love. And so is everything else. Sex with others is intimate, but it is not in context of love. Does it devalue love? No, love is there with or without sex. Does it devalue sex? No, no more than friendship with others devalue our friendship with each other. As the love of my life, my wife is my best friend, my best sexual partner as well. Having other friends, even very close friends does not devalue our friendship. Having sex with others does not devalue sex between us either.

 

I hope that makes sense. Good luck in your quest for answers.

 

It does make complete sense. I have even FELT that way in moments during our swinging adventures. I do also seem to be hard-wired that sex=love even though intuitively I KNOW that is far from the case. It seems to come up for me when either I see my wife sharing a connection with someone else and I am not having one to replace "losing" her for that moment. It seems to also come up when I think about my wife getting farther ahead than me in communicating with people and I start to get feelings of us not being on the same page.

 

We usually talk it out and that settles my feelings UNTIL they come back. So it's getting better through active communication. When we are on the same page I have a BALL...WE have a ball together. When one of us gets too far "ahead" of the other and the other is not getting much in return...SURE we are happy seeing each other happy but eventually we are left with the short end of the stick...in the time between those moments and when we can communicate about pulling back to get on the same page...that's when these "emotions" reign. Those are the moments when I crave the "it's just sex" attitude.

 

Believe me I have tried to power through and say that to myself...and only end up saying it through a lump in my throat from anxiety. And as DigginIt wisely said SWINGING SHOULD BE FUN! NOT STRESSFUL. I have faith that my wife and I are closer than ever to being on the same page. I thank all of you for your insightful thoughts and shared experiences.

[drinnt 201]

Yes, ours is more like a handshake. Almost when it's over, we have to ask what their first names were again.... I joke of course, but we don't have to know anyone really well, or very, very well, as it seems you do. I could be wrong of course. We have swinger friends who we enjoy vanilla activities together, but we don't have to have this. In fact, the more I know a person, the more unattractive they might become. But again, like you said, there are many different perspectives out there.

 

Hi LFM2,

 

My reply was more of a socratic introspection based on what you said than a comparison or criticism. Though intrinsically I guess it ends up being a comparison...just not in a "one way is better than the other" way. More over I'm actually hoping to LEARN something for myself through contrasting my approach with others'. So thank you for your candor.

 

My wife and I have had an experience with a couple that started like a handshake / one-nighter. It was only over email later that we formed a very intense friendship-based connection with these people. All the other people we have swapped / played with we also have relationships with...though they were all swingers when we met them. We don't ever attempt "the vanilla conversion", just to be clear on that. So, YES, I do see through these contrasts that we are simply a couple that enjoys the "friendship" just a bit more than the "benefits" so it stands that emotionally things are going to get a little messy...or at least have the potential to be.

 

Neither of us is really into the "hi how are you wanna fuck?" approach. Though we WOULD do it if we met a couple that it felt right doing it. Those couples simply come along few and far between for us - and we usually end up kicking off a great friendship out of that one-nighter. It would also be okay if we didn't. But we do much prefer to have ongoing relationships.

 

You have given me more to think about. Clearly we value friendship over sex. Valuing sex over friendship is just fine, and I would be down with that, I just seem to lack the capacity to approach it from that angle at the moment. Something to work on.

 

As I said in another post...my answers will come 10 years from now. Right now I am relaxing and enjoying the journey.

 

Thanks for all your posts - they are definitely giving me food for thought.