Don't really like other half of couple

[D&D 362]

I suppose this falls under taking "one for the team", but not in the usual sense. I, mr D&D, find the wife very attractive, likewise Mrs D&D finds the husband attractive. However, I don't like the husband at all, I find him very shallow and completely self centered. I don't find him threatening and I didn't feel this way at all with the other couples we have met. I don't want to meet them because I have a hard time liking him.

 

Have you had similar experiences and how did you handle them? Do you have to like the person your spouse is going to hook up with?

[slevin 1,374]

I suppose this falls under taking "one for the team", but not in the usual sense. I, mr D&D, find the wife very attractive, likewise Mrs D&D finds the husband attractive. However, I don't like the husband at all, I find him very shallow and completely self centered. I don't find him threatening and I didn't feel this way at all with the other couples we have met. I don't want to meet them because I have a hard time liking him.

 

Have you had similar experiences and how did you handle them? Do you have to like the person your spouse is going to hook up with?

 

Personally, I think it's important for both of us to enjoy the company of the other couple. You will likely end up having to socialize with both of them during the evening and I find it hard to fake that when I don't like someone. So I'd just rather not do it. If I am indifferent about the guy, then I'd say no big deal. I can work with that. If I actually don't like him, as you've described, then I would need to say no to them. We haven't run across this situation ourselves. We've been lucky so far on that one I guess. Anytime we've both been attracted to the couple we've at least liked them enough in person to socialize

[LFM2 1,482]

Usually, I find, it's the woman that has the problem with one person of the other couple. I notice that Dave gets along with everyone. It's usually me that has the reservations and that is what keeps us from playing with another couple. I *know* I'm much more picky than he is.

 

I do believe that you have to get along with everyone to make a successful foursome. You don't have be in love with everyone, but you do need to be past just "being civil" to someone; at least in our eyes. I have to be comfortable with all those involved. If Dave didn't like the other man, I don't even know if he'd say something (and he isn't here to ask) so he wouldn't be the one to mess things up -- "he's not the one that has to play with him" would be his justification. We both love to sit around and chat and talk afterwards, and you can't do that if you're not comfortable with one person.

 

Personally, I think we'd pass on playing.

[D&D 362]

"usually I find it's the women..." that's pretty good. LOL. Mrs D&D said the same thing! She says that i am the girl. She also said this makes me cute! With me it's much more about whether " I like you " than it is about simple physical attraction. Now if I could only figure out " what I like"...

[wifes_toy 53]

Any one can stop or say no for any reason. For me seeing my wife having sex with some one I don't like would be a big turn off. I guess it also depends on if your same room only.

[Guest screaminggood]

It depends on what you don't like about the other man....Is your "MAN-DAR" going off? Is there that discomforting feeling that something just isn't right? If so, definitely don't play...trust your intuition.

 

If it really is just that the guy is shallow, then it might depend on how much you have down time (pardon the pun)? Do you have to sit around talking to him for a long time, or can you go straight to start on the game board and pretty much ignore him?

[JandC78 16]

I am going through a similar thing right now, me and the wife really like the woman of a couple (so much so that the wife really suprised me with how far she went with her) problem is, I find the guy to be kind of for lack of a better word "thuggish". I really dont even like looking at him. I have talked to her about this, and then I find out she is trying to set something up pretty quickly with them again. mainly because of the woman.

 

I am not really sure how to handle it either.

[drinnt 201]

Hi D&D,

 

If you have not met him in person I would caution you on making any judgment. I say that from experience. We were signed up for a yahoo group for a swinger's resort takeover 4 years ago. There was a young couple on there who were very vocal, rather attractive so we struck up conversation. Before you knew it this guy was all over the site saying things like "I'll be the one with the whipped cream" and "we're good to go" among other very aggressive and forward comments. I judged him as boistrous, obnoxious, aggressive and a huge turn off...pretty much a tool! Well guess who we hung out with ALL WEEK? Once we met them IN PERSON he was virtually SILENT, SUPER RESPECTFUL, a happy, pleasant & normal guy. It turns out he has a tendency to go really overboard but in reality the dynamic with is wife requires him to moderate that aspect of his personality that he was free to express online because it was safe to do so online.

 

We now go visit them every June in Florida. They are great people. So PLEASE don't sell yourselves short by judging people from TEXT they write on a screen. It's so easy to misinterpret. You really need to meet IN PERSON to determine if there is chemistry.

 

Additionally my wife has found great chemistry with guys she never would have chosen from a line up. Myself as well. So again, don't sell yourself short.

 

We personally NEVER take one for the team because for us it sets up a debt-dynamic we don't want complicating our experience. But it's not unheard of if you are okay with it. Personally...why bother. Sex with my wife is too good, why give that up just for some "okay" strange?

 

Steve

[drinnt 201]

I am going through a similar thing right now, me and the wife really like the woman of a couple (so much so that the wife really suprised me with how far she went with her) problem is, I find the guy to be kind of for lack of a better word "thuggish". I really dont even like looking at him. I have talked to her about this, and then I find out she is trying to set something up pretty quickly with them again. mainly because of the woman.

 

I am not really sure how to handle it either.

 

Hi JandC78,

 

There is an option to keep it just girls. If that works for you then everyone gets something out of it. Personally I have to like the guy or else I lose my interest in the whole scenario. If the guy is a turn off I can't even enjoy the girls getting it on - it's happened. I thought I liked the guy, but once clothes came off he became a focused insatiable and very vocal sex fiend. Fortunately it was directed at his wife, but it totally turned me off. I like it when everyone's energy is on the same page. When people go off in different directions I just assume they be in their own room so my wife and I can have privacy to enjoy the great sex we have without distraction. Good luck with your scenario. If you are not HELL YEAH! about it then why bother?

 

Steve

[D&D 362]

Drinnt,

 

Good comments I probably need to get to know him better. Of course people are different in person than online, buy in this case it was meeting him, three times, that has left me with my opinion of him. My wife likes the couple though so I think I will have to work through this. I think if this was just a one night thing then I wouldn't have the issues I have. I can deal with "imperfection" for a night. LOL. The issue becomes one of how to deal with him over the long term.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think it's just as important for me to like her as it is for him to like her... and vice versa.

[JandC78 16]

D&D, I agree with you, My wife really liked this couple, probably more than any other couple we have meet, she says she was relaxed with them and that might have led to some of the issues that I was having. Maybe that and the fact she was buzzed pretty good, not drunk, just buzzed. I have agreed to give them at least one more shot, maybe two, just to see if things are better.

 

One of the things that really turned me off on things was, they asked about size. well the wife was honest with them about me. and then he says he is a 9. Well unless he started the tape measure on about 3 inches he wasn't. Not that that was an issue. it wasn't, I just feel that if you have to fib about something as basic as that, that is going to be noticed then what else are you "stretching" the truth about. I, nor the wife have an issue with size, but if you are going to ask me about it, then please be honest in what you say.

[drinnt 201]

Drinnt,

 

Good comments I probably need to get to know him better. Of course people are different in person than online, buy in this case it was meeting him, three times, that has left me with my opinion of him. My wife likes the couple though so I think I will have to work through this. I think if this was just a one night thing then I wouldn't have the issues I have. I can deal with "imperfection" for a night. LOL. The issue becomes one of how to deal with him over the long term.

 

If you are trying to work this out and finding a way to deal with him then do yourself a favor. Be 100% honest with your wife on your progress. She will then have some barometer by which to guide how much she "dives in". I know what it's like to be the odd man out, and lets just say its way more rewarding when all four people at least LIKE each other enough to say they would be friends if it weren't for the swinging. For me I wouldn't be able to perform...so in that my body would make the choice clear for me.

 

Good luck!!! Bravo on the effort AND the honesty!

[tallicafan 41]

We once met a couple online and chatted for a while. We met at a local club and seemed to hit off. We danced, ate, flirted, and ended up playing. We texted back and forth and went out again. All seemed great until we did an overnighter trip. The male half started giving me a creepy vibe. It just got more awkward as the night went on. I couldn't wait for it to be over. We went to their place several weeks later and went hiking. Something about the guy just bothered me. The way he treated his wife wasn't quite right. She acted like a puppy dog that would do anything to please him. They mentioned and said a few things over the few times we hung out that sent red flags soaring in the air. I told my wife of my concerns and why and she totally realized what I had said. We broke off all contact and ended it. We have some other friends that met them later and asked us about them. They told us horror stories filled with drama.

Trust your instincts....

[drinnt 201]

We once met a couple online and chatted for a while. We met at a local club and seemed to hit off. We danced, ate, flirted, and ended up playing. We texted back and forth and went out again. All seemed great until we did an overnighter trip. The male half started giving me a creepy vibe. It just got more awkward as the night went on. I couldn't wait for it to be over. We went to their place several weeks later and went hiking. Something about the guy just bothered me. The way he treated his wife wasn't quite right. She acted like a puppy dog that would do anything to please him. They mentioned and said a few things over the few times we hung out that sent red flags soaring in the air. I told my wife of my concerns and why and she totally realized what I had said. We broke off all contact and ended it. We have some other friends that met them later and asked us about them. They told us horror stories filled with drama.

Trust your instincts....

 

I will corroborate. We met a wonderful couple recently at the club. They were nice enough to talk to and we kind of gravitated toward each other as the night went on. We left the club saying to each other that "they were nice but no spark." A week later they emailed us and expressed the desire to see us. We decided what the hell...let's be adventurous as "you never know." We knew we were not feeling a spark but we wanted to be open minded. We met for dinner and really liked them so went back to our house for drinks. We ended up playing that night and things did not go well for me AT ALL. No arousal. I pleased the hell out of her then fucked my wife. After they left my wife and I had the same opinion. We liked them but we found the play time boring. Just fell FLAT. He was hard the whole time but never came or made any inclination he was enjoying what I could see was my wife's acrobatic best! My swap partner unresponsive at best though underneath I could tell she was holding back big time...that was a total turn off.

 

We said "we should've trusted our instincts." It goes ON. We saw them at the club again a few weeks later. They came right over to talk to us. They both apologized. Him for pushing things too fast and her for being unresponsive. She admitted that she was uncomfortable but just went along with it. No wonder I couldn't get it up - I knew I was getting nothing from her and I really need that VIBE or else swinging isn't worth it for me b/c I give up a real firecracker. I don't want a dead fish in return. We ended up making out in the club and talking. Man was I turned on. We went home excited that there could be something there. Two days later the feeling faded and we were saying to eachother "I don't know, they are nice...but just not sure if I'm feeling it."

 

They invite us over to their house one weeknight. We go. We have dinner, we talk, we make out clothes on. Well, bottoms on anyway. Everyone is aroused and having a great time. We leave excited and a few days later saying "I don't know, they are nice...but just not sure if I'm feeling it." At this point we're really confused because when we are with them there is a spark but it fades very quickly.

 

So again we see them at the club and the vibe is delicious. At this point we really start to change our minds because it's hard to ignore physical evidence. What we were really doing was doubting ourselves. So we doubted some more. That week after the club they invite us over again. Actually, we made ourselves available and they provided a date. We go over, have dinner, AWESOME open communication about swinging likes/dislikes, goals, etc. We get on the couch, everything starts off well and then the vibe just fizzled for me. I got the feeling that she "disappeared" again so I was more than happy to take my cue and "check out". My wife and the guy were having a lot of oral fun and she was coming alot but the guy, hard as a rock...no response...never came...never even moaned. I fucked my wife and we left.

 

At this point my wife was practically in tears going home. She was telling me how frustrated she was that she knew she...wait for it...SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED HER INSTINCTS. The play was boring, stale and unfulfilling. Sure, she came...but her partner was giving her nothing. It made her feel dirty and used. We like them a lot but the chemistry is not there. We eventually told them we were taking a play break. They were understanding and still want to hang out vanilla.

 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If you aren't running to the bedroom dragging your tongue on the floor...wait for it. It will be well worth it when you find it and you will avoid the discouragement of a setback.

 

We did LEARN a lot about ourselves along the way with them...but as DigginIt has pointed out we do ALSO have a responsibility for the experience of the couples we play with. A notion I am fully embracing as much as my own relaxation and happiness going forward!

[JandC78 16]

Well last night I had a really frank conversation with the woman of the other couple. I am willing to give things a second try. with some understanding from everyone involved on some issues. We will see how it goes and I will let everyone know. Probably wont be until first part of May.