She acts differently with other partners

[Ibrew 29]

Basically the title says most of it. We are relatively new ( a couple of months) and have had good experiences. However I have noticed that mrs ibrew does things differently with others than with me. I asked her if she would be willing to be like that with me sometimes and she said it was part of playing and not real. Still I feel a little jealousy when I see her with others in those ways. She also responded that it was degrading for me to ask for those aspects of swinging with others. I have been really trying to bring it up in a positive light, but ends up in an unpleasant argument. Maybe this has been answered in other posts but can't find it.

 

I need a little help. Am I asking for a comparison of others, which we agreed we wouldn't do?

[weloveeachother 29]

People feel different. People move differently. Are shaped differently. Maybe it's easier for her to have harder, raunchier sex with someone that she isn't in love with. I don't know as you didn't provide exactly what 'differently' is.

 

I think you may have touched on the issue at hand. Jealousy. Talk to her about your feelings.

 

You should be able to voice your concerns to your wife without it becoming an argument. If not, slam on the brakes until you can!

[tallicafan 41]

Hello my fellow Oregonian! I noticed this too with my wife. I think the newness and the hot atmosphere this provides just brings something out in her that our every day loving didn't provide. This is pretty normal I think. Luckily, this newfound passion is spilling over into our normal sex life and we are hotter than ever for each other. Our communication level is the best it has been in the 21 years of being married!

[Alura 2,774]

No matter how hard we tried, the late Mrs. Alura and I did not seem to be able to "fuck for fun." We always ended up making love, something we couldn't do with other people. One of the attractions of swinging was the ability to go wild with our playmates. Perhaps that's the situation you are seeing. If so, there is no threat to your marriage, no reason for jealously, and nothing to worry about. Keep in mind that the one and most important thing you can do with your wife is something Mr. Playmate will never be able to do.

 

Also, "forbidden fruit" tends to make sex hotter; don't concern your self. Enjoy.

 

Alura

[angelkin 1,326]

I asked my husband about this once along the lines of "You are so much more vocal with so and so, what is she doing right to get that response?" His paraphrased reply was that I knew exactly what he liked and needed no audible encouragement that I was hitting the spot or doing it the way he wanted.

 

Maybe this has something to do with it?

[lovinher 505]

I asked her if she would be willing to be like that with me sometimes and she said it was part of playing and not real. Still I feel a little jealousy when I see her with others in those ways. She also responded that it was degrading for me to ask for those aspects of swinging with others. ?

 

Can you be more specific?

[Alura 2,774]

Yes. What "things" does she do with playmates that she doesn't do with you?

 

Alura

[Ibrew 29]

Can you be more specific?

 

Looking at the replies has been a great help in allowing me to step back and think about what is happening. This is dumb now that I think more, flirting and dressing up. I am really more bothered at the negativity regarding this rather than what she is doing or not doing.

[lustylearning 705]

I'd like to respond to this. Someone I love, who has since passed away, once told me "People respond differently with different people." I have found that I respond differently with different play partners. There are different signals, different chemistries, different settings. Simply put, it's a different world. This used to bug my husband immensely, and he started trying to elicit the same behaviors from me that he saw exhibited with others. This, in turn, bugged me immensely, and shut down my desire to swing, because swinging became a reason to have to sexually "perform" to reassure my husband. I keyed into your wife's use of the word "degrading." The process makes you feel uber-examined and found wanting. It devalues what already exists.

 

I'm really glad you're stepping back and looking at your own thought process.

[km34 672]

Looking at the replies has been a great help in allowing me to step back and think about what is happening. This is dumb now that I think more, flirting and dressing up. I am really more bothered at the negativity regarding this rather than what she is doing or not doing.

 

I don't think asking your wife to flirt and dress up for you is stupid. Okay, flirting (depending on what you think is flirting) may not happen the way it happens with other people, because like others have said - it's a different person, she doesn't LOVE them, etc. But getting dressed up just for a night out or in with you should be fun and exciting for her too! I LOVE getting dressed up for Keith. It helps that he also tries to do special things for me. There's really no outfit or anything like that, but he will compliment me as much as he would any other women, he quite obviously appreciates it, and he spoils me rotten afterwards for treating him to something special.

 

I think mixing up what you two do together helps ward of any possibility of jealousy. I personally won't do anything with another man that I wouldn't do for Keith.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I don't think asking your wife to flirt and dress up for you is stupid. Okay, flirting (depending on what you think is flirting) may not happen the way it happens with other people, because like others have said - it's a different person, she doesn't LOVE them, etc. But getting dressed up just for a night out or in with you should be fun and exciting for her too! I LOVE getting dressed up for Keith. It helps that he also tries to do special things for me. There's really no outfit or anything like that, but he will compliment me as much as he would any other women, he quite obviously appreciates it, and he spoils me rotten afterwards for treating him to something special.

 

This, this, this.

We try to remember to try just as hard towards each other as we do for our play partners. Those little things make a difference in our relationship. Those little things add up.

 

On a different level though, there are some ways that we have acted differently with other partners, and we're cool with it. One example is Mrs two4you's desire for aggressive sex. She likes being restrained, light bdsm, etc, when she's with a knowledgeable partner that we feel comfortable with. The male half of one couple we played with regularly really knew how to push her buttons and give her what she wanted, and they had some interesting escapades.

 

-This isn't my thing. I just can't be "that guy". But I think it's great that she can fulfill her kink and act that way when the opportunity presents itself.

 

 

Don't discount the way you feel about it though. I can understand being concerned about the negativity you received when you brought up the subject.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My question is if she finds it degrading for you to ask her to do these things, then why doesn't she feel it's degrading to do them for others? I don't think it's too much to ask her to dress sexy for you. I know I get caught in that trap myself and find that I will make more of an effort to put on make-up and dress sexy if we are going out with other people (whether it's going to a party or not) than if I'm just going out with hubby. It's not fair to him.

 

As far as the flirting, that's a different thing. There are times I can flirt with him the same way I do with other guys but a lot of it is just in the level of how well you know someone (or don't know them).

[DigginIt 1,132]

Hey Ibrew, great responses above. Just a couple thoughts. When I was new, I was hypersensitive to things. New noises, new positions, etc. I won't dive too deep into that as I think others have done an awesome job but those feelings should pass and those things will become more of a turn on. New and different are a powerful combination. Hope that comforts you some.

 

As far as her feeling you asking her to do some of those things is degrading. Mrs Diggs thinks that maybe the way she is around others is an act or something she does to get herself in the zone. She loves you and doesn't want to put on 'that act' for you. The goal is to let her know you liked some of those things but disassociate it from the swinging context.

[forfunonly692 82]

My wife is often driven by her new partners to be a total slut. She dresses different for them, fucks in public areas of the swing clubs, takes on multiple men, etc. However she is my wife, she feels and acts different when she is with me. After 33 years together we have patterns that are difficult to overcome. When we make love after the 6 years swinging I can sometimes get her to act sluttier with me, but the difficulty for her is she is making love with me, with other guys she is simply fucking or being used as a slut. At first I was jealous, now I enjoy watching her and realize the difference. I would probably get jealous now if I saw her "making love" with a new friend instead of fucking him like a slut, that is what we do, not what she does with others.

[slevin 1,374]

Can you be more specific?

 

I am also still interested in hearing more specifics about what you're talking about.

[Alura 2,774]

My wife is often driven by her new partners to be a total slut. She dresses different for them, fucks in public areas of the swing clubs, takes on multiple men, etc. However she is my wife, she feels and acts different when she is with me. After 33 years together we have patterns that are difficult to overcome. When we make love after the 6 years swinging I can sometimes get her to act sluttier with me, but the difficulty for her is she is making love with me, with other guys she is simply fucking or being used as a slut. At first I was jealous, now I enjoy watching her and realize the difference. I would probably get jealous now if I saw her "making love" with a new friend instead of fucking him like a slut, that is what we do, not what she does with others.

 

Total agreement, here!

 

Understanding the difference not only drives jealously away but opens up more possibilities in both making love and fucking. The more outrageous my late wife could be, the more fun it was for all four of us.

 

Alura

[Gordo 618]

I can remember reading somewhere that women frequently have fantasies that they are afraid to perform with their husband because they don't want him to think of them "in that way". So they do it with lovers where the "after" doesn't matter. But won't do it with their spouse.

 

So if she's wilder or more vocal I wouldn't worry. Flirting or dressing up isn't really much of a issue either.

 

On the other hand if she did anal sex with them and refused you or sucked and swallowed with them and not you I must admit I'd have a REAL PROBLEM with something like that.

[slevin 1,374]

I can remember reading somewhere that women frequently have fantasies that they are afraid to perform with their husband because they don't want him to think of them "in that way". So they do it with lovers where the "after" doesn't matter. But won't do it with their spouse.

 

So if she's wilder or more vocal I wouldn't worry. Flirting or dressing up isn't really much of a issue either.

 

On the other hand if she did anal sex with them and refused you or sucked and swallowed with them and not you I must admit I'd have a REAL PROBLEM with something like that.

 

I think that likely goes along with the many guys who want wild sexual adventures, but don't want to do it with their wives. Those guys don't want to see their wives as the whore, preferring to think of them as the madonna (pure, motherly, innocent). The women who feel that way have likely been with men who had that madonna/whore complex at some point.

[Sgts19 17]

I can certainly say for positive she reacts differently with others. We had a long relationship with another couple and experimented with many things. Videos, listening from another room, games, 3some’s, 4some’s etc. We usually ended up in separate rooms mainly from the distraction factor. When I saw the tapes after the fact, she reacted quite differently than with me. Much more vocal not only in words but the grunts and moans. Her body also reacted differently, she was more open and animated when she was with this other man. I’ve seen her with a few different guy’s and it’s always the same. Like a different person! Maybe after so many years being married this happens.

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/2/2012 at 12:38 PM, weloveeachother said:

People feel different. People move differently. Are shaped differently. Maybe it's easier for her to have harder, raunchier sex with someone that she isn't in love with. I don't know as you didn't provide exactly what 'differently' is.

 

I think you may have touched on the issue at hand. Jealousy. Talk to her about your feelings.

 

You should be able to voice your concerns to your wife without it becoming an argument. If not, slam on the brakes until you can!

Why does everything have to fall in the camp of jealousy. He’s just asking his wife to do the same things that she is doing with other men. Is that such a huge request and something that she should deny him. That is not jealousy, that’s just him feeling like WTF, why are you giving this to strangers something that you’re not willing to give me or not willing to let me do with you.

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/2/2012 at 12:16 PM, Ibrew said:

Basically the title says most of it. We are relatively new ( a couple of months) and have had good experiences. However I have noticed that mrs ibrew does things differently with others than with me. I asked her if she would be willing to be like that with me sometimes and she said it was part of playing and not real. Still I feel a little jealousy when I see her with others in those ways. She also responded that it was degrading for me to ask for those aspects of swinging with others. I have been really trying to bring it up in a positive light, but ends up in an unpleasant argument. Maybe this has been answered in other posts but can't find it.

 

I need a little help. Am I asking for a comparison of others, which we agreed we wouldn't do?

Just like my wife said just now after reading your post. If your wife is not willing to do the same things that she’s doing with a total stranger did you get problems in your marriage and she is disrespecting you. And if she gets in an argument with you when you tell her that you are feeling kind of different about the way she is with other men but refused to let you do the same thing with her then she has more problems in her head that you are expecting. She doesn’t want to tell you the truth.

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/2/2012 at 1:28 PM, Alura said:

No matter how hard we tried, the late Mrs. Alura and I did not seem to be able to "fuck for fun." We always ended up making love, something we couldn't do with other people. One of the attractions of swinging was the ability to go wild with our playmates. Perhaps that's the situation you are seeing. If so, there is no threat to your marriage, no reason for jealously, and nothing to worry about. Keep in mind that the one and most important thing you can do with your wife is something Mr. Playmate will never be able to do.

 

Also, "forbidden fruit" tends to make sex hotter; don't concern your self. Enjoy.

 

Alura

But in the same token, mr playmate Getting something that the husband wants and is refused by his wife. She did not get the same thing with More from his wife if she is going to be shared with another partner/playmate? Or is it OK for the husband to just get whatever she wants to give him and a playmate gets the wild lady that is inside of her?

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/2/2012 at 4:39 PM, lustylearning said:

I'd like to respond to this. Someone I love, who has since passed away, once told me "People respond differently with different people." I have found that I respond differently with different play partners. There are different signals, different chemistries, different settings. Simply put, it's a different world. This used to bug my husband immensely, and he started trying to elicit the same behaviors from me that he saw exhibited with others. This, in turn, bugged me immensely, and shut down my desire to swing, because swinging became a reason to have to sexually "perform" to reassure my husband. I keyed into your wife's use of the word "degrading." The process makes you feel uber-examined and found wanting. It devalues what already exists.

 

I'm really glad you're stepping back and looking at your own thought process.

Badgers wife, 

 

So you’re saying you’re OK with acting like a slut with your play partner but you’re not willing to do that with your husband. If I’m going to do something with a playmate/stranger, I am damn sure going to do that with my husband and if my husband asked me to do something that I did with a playmate I would do it without even thinking about it. I just don’t think that’s right to deny your husband something that you would like to give a total stranger

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/2/2012 at 10:01 PM, two4youinswva said:

 

This, this, this.

We try to remember to try just as hard towards each other as we do for our play partners. Those little things make a difference in our relationship. Those little things add up.

 

On a different level though, there are some ways that we have acted differently with other partners, and we're cool with it. One example is Mrs two4you's desire for aggressive sex. She likes being restrained, light bdsm, etc, when she's with a knowledgeable partner that we feel comfortable with. The male half of one couple we played with regularly really knew how to push her buttons and give her what she wanted, and they had some interesting escapades.

 

-This isn't my thing. I just can't be "that guy". But I think it's great that she can fulfill her kink and act that way when the opportunity presents itself.

 

 

Don't discount the way you feel about it though. I can understand being concerned about the negativity you received when you brought up the subject.

 

Best of luck to you both.

I totally agree with you because that is something that you don’t want to do with your wife. But what if she’s doing something with her claiming that she is not willing to do with you because she just doesn’t want to. And it is something that you are willing to do.? That’s what this guy saying. He asked his wife if he can do the same things that she was doing with a playmate and she said no you’re making me feel like unComfortable or even asking me. That’s just disrespectful

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/9/2012 at 9:00 AM, JustAskJulie said:

My question is if she finds it degrading for you to ask her to do these things, then why doesn't she feel it's degrading to do them for others? I don't think it's too much to ask her to dress sexy for you. I know I get caught in that trap myself and find that I will make more of an effort to put on make-up and dress sexy if we are going out with other people (whether it's going to a party or not) than if I'm just going out with hubby. It's not fair to him.

 

As far as the flirting, that's a different thing. There are times I can flirt with him the same way I do with other guys but a lot of it is just in the level of how well you know someone (or don't know them).

Julie you are a rockstar always good for the questions

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/12/2012 at 11:13 PM, Gordo said:

I can remember reading somewhere that women frequently have fantasies that they are afraid to perform with their husband because they don't want him to think of them "in that way". So they do it with lovers where the "after" doesn't matter. But won't do it with their spouse.

 

So if she's wilder or more vocal I wouldn't worry. Flirting or dressing up isn't really much of a issue either.

 

On the other hand if she did anal sex with them and refused you or sucked and swallowed with them and not you I must admit I'd have a REAL PROBLEM with something like that.

I totally agree with the last sentence that you wrote. This guy is this asking her why don’t you do the same things that you do with your playmates, I am willing to do that with you and then she says it is degrading to even ask me to do that. So his wife is willing to do things with a playmate that she is not willing to do with her own husband which is absolutely not fair because if it is degrading for the Husband, then why is it not degrading for her to do it with the payments?

 

That’s just not fair, he has every right to be pissed. 

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/14/2012 at 10:56 AM, Sgts19 said:

I can certainly say for positive she reacts differently with others. We had a long relationship with another couple and experimented with many things. Videos, listening from another room, games, 3some’s, 4some’s etc. We usually ended up in separate rooms mainly from the distraction factor. When I saw the tapes after the fact, she reacted quite differently than with me. Much more vocal not only in words but the grunts and moans. Her body also reacted differently, she was more open and animated when she was with this other man. I’ve seen her with a few different guy’s and it’s always the same. Like a different person! Maybe after so many years being married this happens.

Do you have to ask yourself, why would my wife not be more open with me and have no problem being open with a stranger. Why would my wife want to do other things with strangers and not have that same experience with her husband. Especially if the husband wants her to be that way with her. But this lady said it was degrading for him to ask her to do the same things that she did with the playmate even though the husband saidHe was more than willing to try and would like to do that with her. So if it’s degrading for the husband to ask for her to do those things, then why is it not degrading for her to do that with the playmate ?

[lcmim 1,082]

Because the playmate is a disposable toy?

[SJK977 15]

Y'all realize this thread is from 2012, right?