our situation

[tree&he 15]

Hubby here... I'm just gonna dive right into this. Never discussed it in public before LOL

 

First off, I have no interest in other women. My wife is the center of my universe.

 

We've talked many times about mfm threesomes, we even tried it when we were younger. We both concluded we chose the wrong partner. It turns both of us on, we even talk

about it during sex. During these times she orgasms like crazy as do I.

 

Up until the last couple years our sex life has been amazing. Still is, just not as frequent as she would like. I've had medical problems/injuries that hurt us in the bedroom performance area. I want her to be pleased like she should be in the bedroom. She wants to be picked up and put against the wall and pounded. I cannot do that.

 

Her biggest concern about involving another man is that "she will like it" her words. The other problem is finding her a boy toy that she can send away when she's done with him. I fantasize about watching her, and doing her after or even during. We talk openly about it, it is even a playtime foreplay conversation for us

 

Any input from the experts would be appreciated! We'll both be following the thread to see if we're weird or not LOL

[LFM2 1,482]

Welcome to the Swingers Board!!

 

 

It sounds like you and your wife have discussed this through. Keep talking though... There can never be enough communication between the two of you and hopefully you're discussing the whole thing out of the bedroom as well. Over coffee, or dinner. Without being in the heat of passion, talks may go a little differently and more important subjects are brought up such as boundaries or rules that neither one of you are willing to bend or break.

 

I hope she does like it!! Is she afraid she's going to like it so much that she's going to leave you? Why would she not want to like it? That one is throwing up a red flag for me there.

 

What are you looking for in the way of "toys"? Single men? Married men that can play separately? Women with strap-ons? When interviewing these toys, you need to tell them what you're looking for. No head games. Just straight out what you're wanting.

 

What exactly are your disabilities? Lets discuss this more... we can give more informed and better advice.

 

Holly

[junglecouple 128]

you might check (as out of bounds as it sounds) into professional male escorts. Big advantage? they are PRO's, do the job right, then leave. No entanglements, available with a phone call. Don't dismiss it as an option. More discretion than you would think also.

[tree&he 15]

my problems are with my back. ruptured discs. and the medication assosiated with pain manegement,

the problem were most afraid of is whomever she invites would want to have a relationship,

not really what were after. weve looked on and off for 2 years. we hadnt thought of it but a married man

would fit the bill. except we would have to be absolutely certain it would not cause relationship problems on the other end

 

as far as "she would like it" shes always tried to hide her dirty side. only breaks it out on special occasions. LOL

in the last 3-4 years its came out more and more. shes getting better with age and im getting worse

[angelkin 1,326]

Sorry to hear about your back, but what a fantastic husband you are for understanding her needs. A married man with permission sounds like the way to go...we find they don't care for emotional entanglements and have a great deal of understanding in marital relationships. Is your wife someone who has trouble separating sex from love? Maybe that's why she's worried.

[tree&he 15]

Sorry to hear about your back, but what a fantastic husband you are for understanding her needs. A married man with permission sounds like the way to go...we find they don't care for emotional entanglements and have a great deal of understanding in marital relationships. Is your wife someone who has trouble separating sex from love? Maybe that's why she's worried.

 

i dont think she will have a problem. sex is sex. weve discussed it outside the bedroom and our views match. been married 17 yrs. eventually i probably wont be able to walk. as we talk about it I/we would rather cross the bridge now and deal with any emotional problems we dont forsee PLUS... be able to enjoy with her rather than wait.

 

just for everyones info. ive told her about the board, and about posting. but she hasnt been here yet to read responses. shes also the bread winner while im at home whining about my back

[tree&he 15]

you might check (as out of bounds as it sounds) into professional male escorts. Big advantage? they are PRO's, do the job right, then leave. No entanglements, available with a phone call. Don't dismiss it as an option. More discretion than you would think also.

 

i think her dirty side would take it as an insult if i suggested this. i think she gets a thrill out of the "hunt"

she is a major flirt..

[DigginIt 1,132]

I also agree that you may want to consider a married man with a hall pass but as much as I bash single guys...there are some respectful ones out there. You just have to filter through all the scum to find them. Unfortunately there is a lot of scum.

 

I don't see the statement about her being afraid she might like it as a concern to be worried about and based off your posts, your not...I see it as her seeking reassurance that it's okay, from you, for her to completely enjoy herself. I don't know anything about her but just from the little bit I've read here I can tell a lot about you and it shows that you really care about her happiness and that says a lot.

 

Have you thought about a lifestyle club? There has to be a few of them within driving distance or a weekend getaway. You don't have to worry about anyone turning into a stalker, lol.

 

I agree about the escort service...Mrs. Diggs would be insulted as well. It's not only the thrill of the hunt but thrill of being hunted also. I think you two won't have any problems other than the obvious...finding that 'toy' for your fun night out.

 

Good luck to you both and keep us posted.

[Hammocksex 27]

Sounds like you guys are not active in the Lifestyle, and perhaps that is all you need. Just get active as a couple and what you will almost always find is people not looking for relationships and a few that will fit your sexual needs. Thanks to your thoughtful handling of this, you guys do not have a problem here, just another part of your sexual evolution and my guess is you guys will enjoy. Your back might change your sex life, but it does not have to cause it to end! Good, thoughful play friends, which most in the LS are, make sure all enjoy the play one way or another. Don't worry about toys, you guys just get active.

[Tina and Bob 236]

I agree with all the good advice you've gotten here. However, it looks like you are looking for a one and done, but actually if you find the right guy, someone that understands it's sex with no strings attached that may be the best of both worlds. It beats trying to find decent guys who get the picture. I would suggest that you meet with all the men and explain the ground rules making it clear that any deviation from the rules means an immediate shut down of the arrangement. Obviously your wife needs to be fully involved with all decisions. You need to decide if she only plays when you are present and participative or if you will just participate as a voyeur. I would recommend all contact go through you, that you meet at places other than close to your home or work and that no initial personal information be exchanged until everyone is totally comfortable. Good luck to both of you.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

There are some great single guys who are active enough in the lifestyle to really "GET IT" and understand where the boundaries are drawn. You'll find them frequenting your local clubs or even by asking around your other swinger friends (if you have any). Look on SLS and look at their certs - maybe even contact some of the couples who have given them certs. A good single guy who really understands swinging will have no problem leaving when you're done and returning when you are ready.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

I agree with Julie and other's comments about single guys. You can find very respectful, clean, good looking single men for her to play with. My wife has had quite a number of experiences with single guys, and none of them have gone poorly. Some have gone extremely well A single guy in the lifestyle generally gets it. He knows what the general rules are; there's no relationship per se, it's about physical fun. Yes, there's conversation, etc. but it's really about your wife's pleasure (and your vicarious pleasure). Most single guys in the lifestyle understand that. We've never had a problem with a single guy getting the wrong impressions, trying to establish a relationship, trying to get my wife away from me, etc. Not to say that kind of bad stuff can't happen, but we haven't run into it.

 

I can understand your wife's apparent fear of liking it too much. It can feel a bit like standing on the edge of a very tall cliff with nothing but a parachute. Taking that plunge feels irrevocable, and terrifying in that if you like it you might want to do it over and over and over again, and then never want to give it up. You can go back to a monogamous relationship. Most swingers I've seen feel giving up the lifestyle would not be all that hard. Yeah, it's enjoyable, but your marriage is the meat and potatoes; swinging is just some occasional ice cream

 

And if she likes it "too much"? I've told my wife that I want her to enjoy it as much as possible, that I want her to get everything she wants out of play times with other men. If you're not in it to have as much fun as you can, if you're holding yourself back from full pleasure...what's the point? "Ah yes, thank you for bringing me my ice cream waiter. No, I don't need a spoon. I'm just going to delve into the aroma of the delicious dessert until it melts. Then you can take it away, thanks!" Similarly, you don't get into an Indy car to drive to the grocery store. You don't go on a cruise ship to stay in port the whole time. You don't go skiing just to ride the ski lifts, and never go down the hill. It's ok to enjoy it fully!

[tree&he 15]

update.....well, we think she found a single guy. he is totally aware of our situation and expectations. shes been talking to him for about a week.

just happened to click with him out of the blue at a vanilla party. we were not really looking. just figured someone would pop up if it was meant to be.

seems to be alot like me before i got injured.

 

we talked about it some more agreed they are going to have a "night out" to get to know each

other a little better. (dinner and a movie) they are both worried about me and i want her to be able to be herself and have a good time.

they have had normal conversations and sexual. lotsa texting. her and i have been reading the texts together

 

i have not seen her like this in a long time. i can tell she has butterflys. its adorable. i am probably as nervous as she is.

[Cherienickole 15]

Yikes. That sounds like more than just a boy toy that can be sent away. Sounds like a boyfriend. I thought you were kind of just looking for physical 'get the job done since you can't"..?

Seems like a sticky situation in the making, no??

 

What happens if they text and laugh and joke and real feeling happen? Dinner and movie type stuff and you are stuck at home being the third wheel??

[twohots4u2 188]

We understand your problem. When we started swinging my guy was very active and we both had lots of fun at swing clubs. We talked a lot at first about any potential problems with either of us getting caught up in a relationship with someone outside ours. But, we both know that we are very close and agreed if either of us felt that was happening, we would quit swinging. We value our relationship too much to let anything get between us.

 

The advantage of swing clubs is that we did not see the folks again. It was just fun one night and that was it. However, we grew tired of the swing clubs and he developed ED problems, partly because of his back problems. So, he suggested that we have MFMs so I could be sexually satisfied. That was great, and we met some very nice guys, but one time only, on purpose. Then we had a MFMM with two guys joining us and I found out how nice it felt to have a guy sucking each nipple and another sucking my clit. Plus, it takes me a long time to cum and having the three guys rotate was great. My guy also found out, somewhat with my help, that he enjoys bi activities.

 

We have evolved to giving small bi swing parties once or twice a month. We try to have another couple or a single gal and four single guys. We have a few FWB that we invite more than others, but usually several of the guys are new, or we have not been with them for a long time. The guys who are FWB are ones that understand that we swing because we enjoy sex, not because I want to get into a relationship with one of them. The closest FWB is a TV who just loves to be with both of us, and we enjoy her company, and talents. My guy now uses bi mix injections which overcome his ED and the gals that are with us are very sweet. They have him lay on his back and they sit on his cock, moving until their hips until he, and sometimes, they both cum.

 

If any of the guys seem possessive, too much into me, or tries to set up separate "dates," I drop him and tell him why.

 

So now he can satisfy me with his cock, play with the other gals and guys, and enjoy me having fun with the guys and gals too.

[tree&he 15]

Yikes. That sounds like more than just a boy toy that can be sent away. Sounds like a boyfriend. I thought you were kind of just looking for physical 'get the job done since you can't"..?

Seems like a sticky situation in the making, no??

 

What happens if they text and laugh and joke and real feeling happen? Dinner and movie type stuff and you are stuck at home being the third wheel??

 

not quite what happend. now she is dealing with massive amounts of guilt. pushing me away. help us deal with the guilt. i sending her a link to this thread again. godamit i was a fool to let her do this. i knew what she needed and wanted her to have it. she said she could seperate her feelings. i keep telling her there is no shame, no guilt for wanting what she wants. but she cant look me in the eyes knowing shes sleeping with someone else. i love her more than ever. there is no anger. no hate. not for either of us. we just need her to get past her guilt.

[Alura 2,775]

godamit i was a fool to let her do this.

 

Sigh. How many times have we read this thought in these forums? I'm so sorry about the way this worked out (or didn't, I suppose) and hope y'all can fix it. Please stay with us and continue to encourage your wife to join in the discussion.

 

Alura

[tree&he 15]

we knew it was a possibility. just not to this extent. she doesnt want to feel like a slut, her words not mine. therefore she has to have feelings

i would never think anything of her other than she is perfect. anyone know how to deal with this guilt? tips?

[Alura 2,775]

we knew it was a possibility. just not to this extent. she doesnt want to feel like a slut, her words not mine. therefore she has to have feelings

i would never think anything of her other than she is perfect. anyone know how to deal with this guilt? tips?

 

I'm a bit confused. Your posts went direct from your wife having met a single guy at a vanilla party to having guilt feelings "because she's sleeping with someone else." Have they actually been intimate or is she just feeling guilty because she's thinking about it?

 

I would like to see her join us here so she can express her feelings. Why does she not?

 

Alura

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

we knew it was a possibility. just not to this extent. she doesnt want to feel like a slut, her words not mine. therefore she has to have feelings

i would never think anything of her other than she is perfect. anyone know how to deal with this guilt? tips?

 

I'm probably not the best person to offer advice, for a lot of reasons, but...I'll take your word for it that you love her even more than before. Does she love you any less - or any differently - now than she did before?

[tree&he 15]

they were intimate. i gave her my blessing to do so,now she cant face me. she stayed the night with him,

she came home the next day a differant person. i love her more than ever. it took me all week to see my

wife in her eyes again. she puts up a wall and shuts down her feelings. i thought we were beyond that.

i havnt seen it in 10 years. i didnt think we needed that person anymore.

i sent her a link to this thread again.

[tree&he 15]

i know we did it wrong . i should have went with her or at least had her come home after.

[Cherienickole 15]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with these feelings. Why did she stay the night? This continues to sound like more than sex to me.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

they were intimate. i gave her my blessing to do so,now she cant face me. she stayed the night with him,

she came home the next day a differant person. i love her more than ever. it took me all week to see my

wife in her eyes again. she puts up a wall and shuts down her feelings. i thought we were beyond that.

i havnt seen it in 10 years. i didnt think we needed that person anymore.

i sent her a link to this thread again.

 

So is it that she feels like she cheated on you, and even though she had your blessing?

[tree&he 15]

i dont know. its gone very very bad. i shoulda never considered this for her. maybe she woulda done it anyway. i dont know. taking some time apart so she can think, i guess. she still hasnt actually talked to me. bummer. we'll figure it out either way i guess...looks like i didnt know her like i thought i did

[Alura 2,775]

Wow! Bad news indeed, Tree&he. It seems to me it's time to abandon any hopes to swing and work on saving your marriage, if y'all can. You two must talk! I'd begin by saying something like:

 

"Baby Doll, I love you and I'm scared we've really damaged our marriage. I think it's all my fault, but we have to talk and repair it or we'll end up without each other. Please discuss this with me."

 

Please continue to keep us up to date. The folks on this board really care!

 

Alura

[Jst2Rlx 15]

I don't think you are being "weird" at all, in fact, I praise you for your love and concern over her being able to receive sexual satisfaction, especially when you have physical limitations now. As for her being afraid of "liking it" goes, isn't that the point? We all have a "kinky" side and "like it", but, that doesn't make us weird or perverted, just know what we like and don't like sexually. Any 3rd person should understand that they are only there for the "fun", not, to take ownership or move-in. If they don't understand that beforehand, then, they are not the right person for you. Good Luck and keep in touch. Dusty

[tree&he 15]

Wow! Bad news indeed, Tree&he. It seems to me it's time to abandon any hopes to swing and work on saving your marriage, if y'all can. You two must talk! I'd begin by saying something like:

 

"Baby Doll, I love you and I'm scared we've really damaged our marriage. I think it's all my fault, but we have to talk and repair it or we'll end up without each other. Please discuss this with me."

 

Please continue to keep us up to date. The folks on this board really care!

 

Alura

 

tried that for a solid week. nope. cold as ice wont talk to me. shes moving out. all those fuckin years and she acts like it meant nothing. im done with this. i didnt know her like i thought i did. our whole marriage was a lie

[ricksara 15]

This is probably way to late. We had friends is a similar situation. she was very sexual but could not bring her self to swing . he was very limited it what he could do for her in the bedroom. oral was not the answer. they purchased a Sybian and it made her happy . Its not as good as real but the two of them use it together and it has helped them a lot. i hope things work out for you. this may sound stupid but it looks like anything is worth a shot. best of luck. Rick