My husband and I have talked about it

[Guest Unregistered]

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We have a great relationship, although it hasn't always been that way. There was a time that I went through a long spell of not wanting to have sex. But now for the past few months, I can't get enough. It's been great for both of us. We have both become a little freaky here lately.

He has recently shared with me that he thinks it would turn him on to see me with another man. He sees how much pleasure I get from the toys he uses on me and wanders if he would get the same arousal watching me and another man.

He has also told me that he thinks he would get turned on by watching me with another woman, just sitting back and watching. I'm not too sure about this one. I have tried that before (about 10 years ago) and I was very uncomfortable.

I have mentioned bringing in another couple, so that it would be equal for the both of us. I think I would be okay with that, but he said that there would have to be boundaries. We have been discussing this for almost a week, but no decisions have been made. We have a great relationship and the last thing we want to do is mess that up. When he brought up the idea of seeing me with another man, I was in total shock. I never expected anything like that to come out of his mouth. We were having sex when he mentioned it. That was the first time we have ever talked about anything like this, but we have been speaking of it every day since then (last Saturday). I just don't know how I would feel about bringing in another woman. We have both asked, "What if you like him/her more than me? What is him/her performs better than me and then you don't want me anymore?"

We do know of a couple that had a threesome, and the fiance got upset because he was having sex more with the other girl, than with her. My husband admitted that he may do the same only because it is something that would not happen often, maybe even only one time. He says his fantasy is having me and another woman, but he said that's every man's fantasy. I've never really thought of any kind of fantasy, though.

I don't know what to do. I need advice/suggestions, please share yours.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

You all are communicating and talking, and that's good. No sense in rushing things, that is when bad things happen. If you have talked through everything you can think to talk about ahead of time, then when a curve ball comes your way, which it surely will sooner or later, then much easier to deal with.

 

All I have to go on is your post, so my apologies if I'm coming out of left field, but the thing that catches my eye a little is it seems like there is a little more focus on trying to make a scenario happen that he wants, and less on what you want. You sound pretty sure being with another woman isn't for you right now, so I would drop that idea right away. The single male route interests you a little more, but again, there is apprehension already from both of you based on the experience of your friends. That leaves another couple. That is the way we swing so admittedly I am biased here, but I think that would probably be the best way to go for you both. The only caveat there is the more people you get involved, the harder it gets to find the chemistry all the way around though. But, good things come to those willing to invest the time and energy to make them happen

 

Your concerns about liking them more than your spouse, they are better in bed, etc. are all very common when considering whether to swing or not. I look at that like this - we've been married 20+ years now, and other than the horny teenager stage when we first starting going out, our relationship hasn't been focused on or survived because of sex. A lot of people are willing to have sex with you, but how many will give you a shoulder to cry on when life isn't going well, be there for you when you are sick, etc. Those are the ties that bind, and none of those have anything to do with swinging.

 

This is one of my favorite pieces of advice, so I'll use it here too. Get on the internet, research on-premise swingers clubs in your part of the country, then make a weekend getaway together to check one out with no expectations other than having a good time together. Even if you go but never even emerge from the shadowy table in the corner, you will have learned a lot about swingers and swinging, and then you can decide from there what your next step will be.

 

Good luck, welcome to the Swingers Board, and please register so you will be able to reply to this thread. We'd love to have you as a regular member

[cupl4fun 361]

The good news is that we have all been in the same shoes as the two of you at some point. The "Well it sounds fun, but...." stage, we (the wife and I) now call it. Cplnuswing's advice is very good (going to an onsite club is a great way to get exposure to swinging.) One of our earliest steps was to go to an on-site club to see how we enjoyed it. We honestly baby-stepped our way into the whole process. Our first step was to share fantasies, which lead to us talking about things like swinging, group sex, and gang bangs. For the next step, we started talking about the reality of trying those things and how that would work, which led us to buy some books on the subject and join this site (Julie, the owner of the site, apparently has a very good book on the subject). Our next step was to go to a strip club and have the performers give each of us private dances while the other watched. The point of this was for us to see whether it would excite us or upset us to see someone else touching our lover, turns out it was a great turn on. After going to the strip club we decided to go to a nudist resort for a weekend to see how we responded to being naked around others (kind of a necessary thing if you are wanting to swing). We both found the nudist resort to be very enjoyable and relaxing and after the first couple of hours we kind of forgot that we were even naked,although we did still notice that other people were naked:) After the nudist resort, we then took the step to go to an on-site swing club where we even ended up soft-swinging (no penetration) with another couple. After that we decided that not only were we not bothered by seeing each other with other people, but it was actually a huge turn on for both of us (To this day the best part of swinging for us is seeing the other give and receive pleasure).

 

Now not everybody goes about it as slowly as we did, but it worked really well for us. Ultimately, my only real advice would be to at least read Julie's book or another like it and then spend a month or two reading it and talking about the things you read with each other. As you guys discuss the book I bet you guys will start to get a feel for how you both feel about certain things and even how you guys would like to go about trying to taking the next step (if that is what you decide to do). We received a lot of different advice from people on this site when we were asking similar questions, but in the end what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander. The two of you together will have to really talk and decide what is best for you, because we are all a bit different. Some like to swing together only, some prefer to swing separately, some don't care one way or the other, etc. There are so many different ways to swing and to get involved in swinging that you will ultimately have to try some things for yourselves to see whether you like them or not. My wife and I only play together, we tried separately, but it freaked me out not knowing that my wife was okay and being treated well, so we don't do it that way anymore. We had to find that out for ourselves. Some people like to build long term relationships with their sexual partners, while other people prefer spontaneous (one night stand) types of swinging. My wife and I tend to prefer the more spontaneous types of encounters, because we aren't really looking for relationships as much as just some sexual fun. Which things will you guys prefer? Who knows, but part of the fun is finding out. Talk with each other and make sure you are both on the same page before each step you take, and then venture forth and see what you find. If you hit any road bumps there are great people on this site who will be happy to help as you guys reach those places in your journey. Good luck to both of you and we hope you guys find a deeper relationship and some wonderful sexual fun.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Please do register so that you can easily come back and share more.

 

There's no need to jump right in. He's shared his fantasy and just sharing and talking about it can keep things hot for quite a while. Continue talking about it, sharing any hesitations you both have. Talk about what the boundaries should be, even if it's a MFM threesome or him watching you with the other guy you need to know your boundaries ahead of time. And, remember if you decide to proceed you can stop at any time, if either of you are not comfortable.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Yep, please do register.

 

You've gotten excellent advice above.

 

There's no deadline, no rush, no anything. Keep talking. It's how many couples start out swinging. Your concerns are perfectly valid, and quite understandable. They are also quite normal!

 

It is very possible that if you play with another female in what's known as an "FMF" that your husband will be wanting to have sex more with her than you during the encounter. This is perfectly normal. This other woman is new, and your husband can have sex with you after she leaves. It is not at all uncommon in FMFs and MFMs that the person in the middle of that has sex a LOT more with the "new" person than with their spouse. My wife and I have enjoyed many MFMs, and on average I'd say her ratio of sex with the other guy vs. with me is about 4:1 in such encounters. I like that; she's getting to play with another guy, and she can have more or me later.

 

I remember a survey here some years back that showed that at least among the men on this board, that the fantasy of an FMF was HALF as popular as the fantasy of being in an MFM with their wife. Surprising perhaps, but MFMs are a hell of a lot of fun! So, while the common idea is that FMFs are every guy's fantasy, the reality at least among swingers is different.

 

What if your husband likes the other woman more than you? Remember he's married to you, not her. Swinging isn't a test of a marriage (if you're using it as a test, you already failed!). But, if all the depth of your marriage, put up against a consensual encounter with another woman gives either of you the willies that he might feel his feelings for this other woman are more important, well...you shouldn't be swinging.

 

We've seen the question asked by many about what if the other person is better? It's a question my wife and I considered as well before getting into swinging. My answer, and my wife's as well, is simple: If what the other person is doing feels great, and better than what our spouse has done, fill each other in on what s/he did so your spouse can learn to do it too! I remember a post by a fellow here on this board where he had recently been in an MFM with his wife. The other guy was taller, richer, in better shape, arguably better looking, had a bigger and longer penis. His wife had a fantastic time, thoroughly enjoying the other guy. The husband was very happy for her, and was proud as heck that she was his wife, and she was coming home with him and he with her. They are a team.

 

And that's one of the keys; be a team. If you're having sex with another guy, your husband is enjoying it too. Another poster here (paraphrasing) said to his wife that when she's having sex with another man, she's being made love to by him (her husband). Allowing your spouse the freedom to have sex with someone is an incredible thing. All of our experiences in the lifestyle have been a together thing; even when my wife has played solo on the odd occasion.

 

Communication in any relationship is very important. If a couple is thinking about swinging, communication is ultra, ultra important. Make sure that both of you can talk to the other about anything, anything at all without any fear of negative judgment or negative repercussions. Letting go of your deepest inner fantasies and sharing them with your spouse is a wonderful thing. It can be very hard for couples to do this sometimes because of fear over rejection of those fantasies, feeling too open, etc.

 

Some couples take years from their first conversation about swinging before actually doing anything. That's ok. Some couples take a couple of days and jump right in, full bore. That's ok too. A sage piece of advice in that is this: Move ahead at the pace that is as slow as what the 'slowest' spouse wants to move. Move faster than one of the two of you want to move, and it will not work well. Don't EVER get yourself in a situation where you are doing something swinging wise for your spouse. Don't ever have sex with another man because your husband wants to see you do that. If ever you get to that point, it should be because YOU want to have sex with this other man, and with that in place also wanting to do it to please your husband is icing on the cake.

 

Again, please do register. There's plenty of people here who will be very happy to answer every question you have. Feel free to ask lots of questions! Few, if any people are raised being taught about swinging, how to succeed in the lifestyle, understanding the impacts of sharing your spouse, etc. That's where resources like this board come into play. We can help answer questions you have and give you a foundation on which to build.