Dealing With a Bad Night at the Club

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Just got back from a really unpleasant experience and I'm not quite sure how to process it. Forgive me if I ramble, but I'm just getting thoughts down.

 

Checked out a new club in our area for the first time. Met and hooked up with a couple. Had a horrible time.

 

First the club... despite our friends who have raved about how wonderful it is, I found the place small, claustraphobic, loud, badly laided out and stinking of fresh paint thinly masked by hordes of air fresheners. So, not off to a great start.

 

Second, the couple... my wife met them while I was in the restroom. She and the Mr hit it off. The Mrs and I, not so much. After the proverbial tiptoeing around, my and the Mr decided we should adjurn to a quieter room (nominally to avoid another loud, obnoxious club going who kept turning up). This lead to both couples exchanging partners, starting with backrubs and... well you get the picture. My wife and the Mr had a great time on one bed. His Mrs and I settled in on the other to watch while I fingered her. I had no desire to do more... principly because she smelled *bad* ... like sweaty gym shoes bad... down there.

 

Now we're home. I find I've washed my hands 5 times to get the smell of her off me. I want to scream and throw things and I literally flinched away when my wife tried to touch me. I've heard of "taking one for the team" before... I even thought I'd done it before. This is worse. I feel almost violated... unclean and angry. WTF?

[angelkin 1,326]

I am sorry to hear about your bad experience. Sounds like you thought you were doing the right thing since your wife hit it off with the husband. We had a similar experience and I ended up with the same "icky" feeling you describe. Sometimes you can't know before the clothes come off if there is going to be something like an odor or body issue that is such a big turn off. Don't blame yourself for giving it the college try, but before next time, figure out an exit strategy-even if that means interrupting your wife if she's having a splendid time. I bet if she knew how things were going on the other bed, she would not have wanted you to be in such a situation.

 

For me, the only thing that made me feel better was a long lazy love-making session with my hubby. He made me somehow feel safe and whole again. Sounds like your wife was trying to comfort you when you flinched away - perhaps that's just what you need is a soothing touch and an understanding ear?

[VegasLee 1,486]

100's of thread here about "taking one for the team" and I would say that 100% of them turn out bad.

 

You made a bad decision to do something you did not want to do.

 

As far as the club, what one person thinks is great another might hate. You don't care for the club, pick up and leave. No reason to stay and have a bad time.

 

Keep things simple, never stay where you are not comfortable or don't like and NEVER do anything you don't want to do because you will end up pissed off, turning away from your wife and making her feel bad because of decisions that YOU made.

 

This Lifestyle is a hobby to most. Hobbies are not experienced to have a bad time so make good decisions and you will have a great time.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Sorry to hear your night sucked.

 

You're going to get advice on what to do, and that's a good thing. My question is, looking back on it, what are your takeaways, and what will you do different the next time?

[cupl4fun 361]

 

You made a bad decision to do something you did not want to do....

 

NEVER do anything you don't want to do because you will end up pissed off, turning away from your wife and making her feel bad because of decisions that YOU made.

 

This Lifestyle is a hobby to most. Hobbies are not experienced to have a bad time so make good decisions and you will have a great time.

 

While I might not have put it as bluntly as VegasLee. I still agree with what he has to say. I am sorry to hear you had such a bad night. I am sure you simply wanted to make sure that your wife had a good time, but sacrificing yourself is not what this lifestyle should be about. Almost every bad experience we have ever had is because somebody did not really WANT to be involved. If people don't want to do it, then it won't really be fun. There are names for sex when somebody doesn't want to participate and none of them are very good. You abused yourself to meet your wife's needs. You and your needs need to be treated as just as important as every other persons needs. You put yourself through a traumatic experience and I am deeply sorry to hear it. Sex should never be horrible.

 

I would highly recommend you guys take some time off, and that you talk to your wife about what happened, so you don't develop deep resentment towards her. I also would suggest that you guys agree ahead of time in the future to only play if you BOTH want to play. Set up a special word to let your spouse know that you are wanting to play and a word for if you are not wanting to play. Once you set the words then agree ahead of time that if either of you say it is a "no go" then it is absolutely a no and you both will agree to move on to the next couple, single, or group or simply go home. I am sure your wife would never have WANTED you to take one for the team, she probably just got lost in her excitement.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

While I might not have put it as bluntly as VegasLee. I still agree with what he has to say.

 

I do too. He's not wrong. I fucked up. I've posted here time and again about the importance of communication and the evils of "taking one for the team." I failed to heed my own advice. Worse, I had several opportunties to back out... a chances, even in the middle of the action, when I could have removed myself from an uncomfortable situtation, with a measure of grace and courtesy even. I didn't take them. I let myself get caught in a trap of expectations and assumptions and I'm suffering for it.

 

As I happens, I have no choice but to take a break for a few weeks as life circumstances prevent our return to the cub scene for a little while. Clearly, I need to take that time to, as folks here have suggested, find the lessons in the this, talk with my wife and work out some "exit strategies" and, as angelkin suggests, make love to my wife. I need to reconnect with the reasons I'm in this hobby, as VegasLess calls it, to begin with... and those all come back to the beautiful woman I'm blessed to have in my life.

 

Thanks all, for your comments.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Most that have been on Swingers Board know that I only know one language, BLUNT.

 

It is rarely misunderstood.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Most that have been on Swingers Board know that I only know one language, BLUNT.

 

It is rarely misunderstood.

 

I've got no problem with blunt. In fact, it's appreciated.

[twistedpretzels 100]

Most that have been on Swingers Board know that I only know one language, BLUNT.

 

It is rarely misunderstood.

 

So True, but still, you kill me!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

ask yourself one important question : "Why did I do it?" from there you can work towards not making the same mistake again.

 

Oh, and make sure you talk to your wife about this and let her know that it's NOT HER. You just made her feel like she did something wrong when you turned away from her . Don't do that.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Well, my wife and I finally had a good long talk about this (after several short and incomplete talks) and with her help we've worked out where the night went wrong and why and how to make sure I don't screw up like this again. Thanks all.

[angelkin 1,326]

Well, my wife and I finally had a good long talk about this (after several short and incomplete talks) and with her help we've worked out where the night went wrong and why and how to make sure I don't screw up like this again. Thanks all.

 

It's a learning process. Glad to hear things are back on track:)

[BoogieKnight 17]

There's maybe a few things to do differently in the future, my solution would be to glance up at the other Mrs, say something like "This isn't really working out for us" and then "Lets leave them to it." Take his Mrs.Skunky back out to the stinky club and try to either pick up another couple or drink a bit and socialize until your wife is done having fun.

 

I guess it depends on where your negative feelings come from - either jealousy that she got the better end of the deal on that one, or the fact that you felt obligated to do something you didn't want to do. Both are normal feelings and equally valid, but have slightly different solutions. In hindsight its easy to analyze and find them, so stick it in your repertoire for next time.

[fastnick 15]

If either my wife or myself find ourselves in an uncomfortable or potentially disagreeable or dangerous situation, one of us just says, "We're outta here!" That means no hesitation or discussion - we're gone. We'll talk about it later, but we leave. This little trick has saved us from lots of B/S over the years. A milder form is, "Did you find the lipstick . . ?" "Yes" means everything's OK and "No" means the "We're outta here!" card is on the top of the deck. In retrospect, "We're outta here." has been the correct decision about 95% of the time. And yes, we've used it in about-to-have-a-romp scenarios.

[twistedpretzels 100]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this post. I asked Peter to read it before we left to go to a swing party. We are relatively new as a swing couple. From this we adopted the previous 'lip stick' idea. And just in general it helped us talked about potential issues. Thanks!

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/26/2012 at 9:50 AM, angelkin said:

I am sorry to hear about your bad experience. Sounds like you thought you were doing the right thing since your wife hit it off with the husband. We had a similar experience and I ended up with the same "icky" feeling you describe. Sometimes you can't know before the clothes come off if there is going to be something like an odor or body issue that is such a big turn off. Don't blame yourself for giving it the college try, but before next time, figure out an exit strategy-even if that means interrupting your wife if she's having a splendid time. I bet if she knew how things were going on the other bed, she would not have wanted you to be in such a situation.

 

For me, the only thing that made me feel better was a long lazy love-making session with my hubby. He made me somehow feel safe and whole again. Sounds like your wife was trying to comfort you when you flinched away - perhaps that's just what you need is a soothing touch and an understanding ear?

I’m not sure the wife would even notice because she was so busy with the other husband. The wife didn’t even check in with him to see if he was doing OK so apparently she didn’t really give a damn as low as she was getting hers lol I have always heard on this site, at least take the time to check in with your partner to make sure they are OK but obviously it does not happen all the time of those times when he needed his wife to check in with him so he could tell her let’s get the hell out of here I’m not having a good time.

[10thBadger 25]

5 hours ago, lovtosuc said:

read my advic

read my advice to you above

Badgers wife,

 

Yes I understand what you’re saying, and it’s just that my husband is very straightforward and doesn’t see much gray area in most subjects. Husband really takes what you guys say literally about checking in with each other and never getting too excited that you forget that your partner is there. I kind of like the way he is seen that I have been married to him for soooooooo long.  We are learning much here and after the first experience being so bad for us, just a fact that we are actually reading and enjoying the site and learning. It is a huge step for us. Let me say it is good that I am reading this because I was the one that was scared to death the first time. But as you can see my husband is very protective of me as he has been since I was 18 years old.. been married 29 years now.

 

But both of us shake our heads at the patients you guys have for problems that come up. My husband has no patience but I have a little bit more patience than he does. We just look at ourselves and say wow how did these people do this to have so much patience with these go so terribly wrong. Because my husband takes it literally when you say it is a team sport and you have to watch out for each other.

 

Hope that you’re having a great day and merry Christmas to all