Surprise appearance of her male friend leaves me in the dark.

[Cuda 15]

My gf invited a guy to a party that we were going to which i had no knowledge of. Him and I went to smoke and he mentioned that he had texted her and it came up. I didn't know they texted, never met him before other than her asking about him about a year ago. Come to find out he has been trying to hook up with her before we were together. Really got under my skin... would you be upset with your partner?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Doesn't matter how I would feel. It's how you feel that matters. It bothered you. My advice is to figure out why it bothered you and, calmly, talk to your partner about it.

[angelkin 1,326]

Doesn't matter how I would feel. It's how you feel that matters. It bothered you. My advice is to figure out why it bothered you and, calmly, talk to your partner about it.

 

Wise words from Lionheart72 right there! Yes, it would bother us - but only the part about one partner not being forthcoming about the prior communication. But that's our deal, what sort of expectations do you and your wife have in this situation?

[slevin 1,374]

Yeah it would bother me if my partner didn't tell me something like that. I think sharing information and being open is important.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Can you fill the story in a little bit more? I'm not seeing a complete story here, so it's hard to get an idea of what happened.

 

What facts did you learn from him?

What facts did you learn from her?

 

What did she tell you initially, and did her story change?

[Cuda 15]

I'll try and fill in some blanks.... She had known this guy before we met and to my knowledge they were just friends(No Problem) about a year ago she asked if he could come with us to a party the day of the party but since I had never met him I told her I didnt feel comfortable with it. (They had been texting that day). Have never heard any more about it until he showed up at the party and she brought him over to introduce him to me telling me look who I found here and asked if I remembered about us talking about him which I did remember. Still no big deal with me except it did raise my thoughts. He had never been to a swingers party and had never done anything like it before. In fact we got along well. We went out to smoke just the two of us and during the conversation he brought up the party and how she had told him about it when he had texted her the day before. Im really suprised because I really had no knowledge that they texted(about once a month by her words) until I ask about it. She then told me that she didnt ask him to come just told him about it but what was the problem if she had. That he had been trying to hook up with her long before we met. As far as what our agreement as to texting people concerning swinging is there is no agreement, never been brought up. I have tryed to talk with her but it doesnt go very far, she says that Im making a big deal about nothing trying to make her look like she had done something wrong. I asked if it was alright for me to ask people to come with us and she gets mad and says I can screw anybody I want. That comes to another problem, we only play with single males, its not her fault that there are no single females. There are couples that have told us of their interest but for some reason we never act on those.

[twistedpretzels 100]

talk to HER.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

talk to HER.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

 

She then told me that she didnt ask him to come just told him about it but what was the problem if she had. That he had been trying to hook up with her long before we met. As far as what our agreement as to texting people concerning swinging is there is no agreement, never been brought up. I have tryed to talk with her but it doesnt go very far, she says that Im making a big deal about nothing trying to make her look like she had done something wrong.

 

OK, so what is the problem? That he wants to hook up with her? Why is that a problem? I mean, you're at a swinger's party right? You say you've hooked up with other single males before. So why is this specific single male a problem?

 

Note, I'm not saying you're wrong... obviously you have a problem with this. You're feelings are not invalid or wrong. I'm trying to pose some questions to get at the real reason you have a problem with this. I think if you understand why this bothers you then you can calmly, clearly and honestly express those feelings to your girlfriend. I also not that you've changed the title of your post to call him her "bf" ... but from everything you've said, he's not. You are. It does sound to me like you are bringing some emotional weight to this situation that your girlfriend probably doesn't see.

 

So, what is the real problem? Figure that out and talk to her.

[Cuda 15]

Not sure how the title got changed but I do have a "Smart Phone".... My problem is That I had no knowledge of this guy what so ever until he showed up at the party. Its no one that I have ever met nor had we talked about inviting him, Something she did on her own by herself with no input from me. We have only been with single males other than one time I took one for the team in the year and a half that we have been swinging(if you want to call it that). If I show an interest in someone I'm told that I only come there with sex on my mind(im so smiling)or she has a problem with that person so I back off being that this is somthing we both have to be comfortable with(RIGHT?). So I asked about us texting other people and if it was within our bounderies to invite these people and all hell breaks loose. We have talked about just being guys in the last month or so and when were we going to get a female in the mix. There are a several couples that have told us they are interested which I find inerest in and I thought she did also because of the play and flirting but for some reason nothing ever comes of it and if I say something I'm just wanting to play with her??????? Only one of us is swinging and I have a problem with that which I have stated and the answer is she is done with swinging until the next weekend comes and it starts again. Also every time I go I'm not looking to hook up, I'm just out with friends having a good time. I dont need to see your Tits every week but once a month would be good...

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Only one of us is swinging and I have a problem with that which I have stated and the answer is she is done with swinging until the next weekend comes and it starts again.

 

Sounds like it's time to hit the breaks. It's not swinging if you're both not engaged in it. More, what I'm hearing doesn't sound to me like an honest and openly communicative relationship. If it were me, I would draw a line in the sand and say 'we're not swinging again until we get our relationship worked out.' I have a nagging feeling that in your case, that might not end well but at least it would be honest.

[SexySixtiesMW 16]

She has the "thought" of him in her head and once that happens, there is nothing you or she can do about it. She will either decide she does NOT want to pursue, or more likely, she will be compelled to pursue it to it's ultimate end....which is sex. So you will either have to live with it or without her. It's that simple.

[Chicup 41]

Monogamy isn't for everyone in a relationship, but honesty should be.

 

My personal thought would be lose the girl friend. Shes deceptive, and manipulative, that is unless you enjoy being a cuckhold.

 

This isn't a swinging mistake, or a heat of the moment mistake, this is planned deception. Life is to short to not trust your partner.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sadly, I tend to agree with Chicup here. My initial reaction when I read your first couple of posts was that it was an innocent thing that she'd mentioned the party and he'd shown up (we've had similar things happen ourselves), but reading your last reply I feel like this is a very one-sided relationship and it's all about her (at least that seems to be how you feel and what you've portrayed). If that's really the case, or even if it's really how you feel, then it's time to move on and find someone who cares as much about making you happy as you do making her happy.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Not sure how the title got changed but I do have a "Smart Phone"....

One of the mods changed it to provide a title that gave a little more description of the situation included in the thread.

[Gordo 618]

Monogamy isn't for everyone in a relationship, but honesty should be.

 

My personal thought would be lose the girl friend. Shes deceptive, and manipulative, that is unless you enjoy being a cuckhold.

 

This isn't a swinging mistake, or a heat of the moment mistake, this is planned deception. Life is to short to not trust your partner.

 

I agree. The whole thing sounds deceptive and I would bet the original intent was to hook up with him at the party.

 

Nor does your situation sound like real swinging. She's getting what she wants and diverting you from anything fun. I suspect she'd be jealous if you really hooked up with another woman.

 

Time to call a halt to the activities until you both sort out what is going on. However the deception thing really bothers me and ultimately I think she needs to go.

[Bigmike747 15]

Yeah that's foul. Y'all need to talk about that!

[cupl4fun 361]

Monogamy isn't for everyone in a relationship, but honesty should be.

LOL, had to read this one over and over because for some reason my mind kept adding an "L" to the word honesty...really changes the meaning .

Anyway, we agree with chicup as well, the deception and the manipulation here is the part that really would concern us. We would not go as far as to say to leave her, but there should definitely be some serious red flags being waved here. There needs to be some serious communication and hopefully some contrition on her part at the very least. We do not envy the situation you have found yourself in. Good luck.

[exercise couple 35]

hhmmmnnn...my judgement is impaired by not knowing how you spoke with her...the evasive response suggests if something not deceptive at least something borderline. i definitely felt funny reading it. what she's not saying when you try to engage may be meaningful.

[tribbles 490]

I tend to give people lots of benefit of doubt since from my experience actually communicating is not easy. It's easy to both talk and think you understand but often true understanding is lacking.

 

From what I read of your posts, I agree with Chicup. But, if I am not understanding AND if you still want to work at it with her...get help in actually communicating. Write stuff down you both agree to. Then there is less room later for "I did not mean that".

 

Good luck