having a couple issues want to get off my chest.

[JandC78 16]

I like being able to come here and post what is going with things, it seems to help.

 

I am starting to have an issue lately and not sure how to handle it. We have so far been a same room couple. We meet a really nice couple last Friday and they are a different room only couple, but things were really good. Me and the wife talked about, and I was starting to be okay with the idea saturday. Well some people we knew about, but had not had the chance to talk to or meet contacted us, they are friends with a couple we know quiet well and was looking for something to do that night, as we was not doing anything we agreed to meet.

 

The issue came up that we ended up same room but on different beds, the problem I have is with how things went that night, I felt completely ignored by my wife, which really does not help with the idea of seperate rooms.

 

I also have no desire what so ever to play with this couple again, there was no attraction what so ever to the woman on my part at all. where the wife had a really good time with her husband.

 

I really want to be able to explore more things with her in this, but sometimes I just dont feel like we reconnect or anything after a night out.

[corynlaine 118]

You know to me different room = play separately. I mean really what is the difference between you playing with the f she playing with the m in a different room then if you played with her on Monday and she played with him on tuesday - other than logistics.

With regards to same room - it sounds like you are being insecure (whether there is a reason or not I don't know) because the whole idea of swinging and playing with other couples is to enjoy the experience of the kinky, new etc.

 

For us the idea of swinging is to do things sexually that we can't do with just the 2 of us. That's why we're open to bi play and look for couples that are interested in group bi play. Now that's our limit ymmv but it sounds like you need to have conversation about limits and why you feel the way you do.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I really want to be able to explore more things with her in this, but sometimes I just dont feel like we reconnect or anything after a night out.

 

Can you tell us what leads you to feel this way?

[JandC78 16]

Can you tell us what leads you to feel this way?

 

I have discussed it with her, I like the chatting and talking after the fact and for me I just feel like spending time with her, and sometimes she just wants to get home and go to bed.

 

I honestly feel like it is a communication problem for us. We have been talking about it all week, and we have a couple meeting planned for this month. and it now boils down to how those go on whether or not I want to do other things.

[JandC78 16]

 

For us the idea of swinging is to do things sexually that we can't do with just the 2 of us. That's why we're open to bi play and look for couples that are interested in group bi play. Now that's our limit ymmv but it sounds like you need to have conversation about limits and why you feel the way you do.

 

You know for me this is the same thing, this seems to be the times that we have the most fun, and hours of fun it is too. For her she just wants to try all kinds of new things, which I would be fine with if we can get the "US" part down better when fun time ends.

[shrevecouple 252]

Of course the first thing that popped in my mind was this. You said you were not attracted to the other woman at all. Did your dick get hard for her and did you cum? If so, how if you had nothing for her?

 

On the other hand I think you and I are similar in a few ways. You seem to like the extra but still want that attention from your spouse. Swapping takes that away from me and unless I was somehow completely smitten by the other guy (which seems next to impossible to me to be that into someone else) I will always feel kind of let down. The extra is what gets my motor running. Otherwise it can feel like replacement to me, on his part and mine. That's why I had been of mind that 3somes were probably best for me. Even though other women don't really do it for me, at least if we included one in a 3some I would still be in contact with him and vice versa.

 

Some will say that no matter what they always feel connected with their spouse whether they are in seperate rooms, seperate beds, seperate houses or seperate states during a swap or swing experience. If you have no trust issues you could do it however, blah blah. Don't buy into that. Not all of us are made that way. Some of us still have a need to feel like a couple. You may be that kind.

[DynamitePair 67]

There are a number of posts, discussions & heated debates about what is swinging and what is not. Each couple, each individual is different and so each interaction is different. We all have our rules and limitations so finding the perfect match either makes you seem picky and obnoxious or forces you to settle. This sounds like growing pains to a certain extent and hope that is all it is for you two. I would encourage you to discuss this with your wife. It sounds like you opted to take one for the team with the female of the couple you last played based on the statement that you felt no attraction to her. I would wager that a great deal of your discomfort is derived from anxiety about taking one for the team again or rather settling on a new swing type interaction. Meaning, that you may have to do a separate bed, separate room thing again.

 

My suggestion is that rather than making the swinging happen, you make the connection and reconnection first. Have a conversation with yourself and examine exactly what you want to get out this lifestyle. What benefits does it provide to you? What are you willing to accept for yourself? Then attack the hard questions, am I being fair to my wife? What am I willing to accept on her behalf?

 

Once you armed with your answers, discuss with your wife. Tell her what you feel about the last few encounters. Let her tell you how she felt about them. Go through your wish list and limitations list again together. THEN tell her how you don't feel you reconnect. She may just have had an off night and was somewhat out of it. She may have picked up on your dissatisfaction and didn’t want to burden you further with it.

 

If you are doing this together as a couple, especially a committed or married couple, you really do have to look out for each other and those feelings that you are describing. There may not be fault in this at all. You may find that one or both of your limits have changed or she may have taken this whole situation as HER taking one for the team. So you guys may find that nothing has changed or that something once unacceptable is now acceptable and simply making time to discuss it in a neutral environment may save both of you some serious discomfort.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I have discussed it with her, I like the chatting and talking after the fact and for me I just feel like spending time with her, and sometimes she just wants to get home and go to bed.

 

I honestly feel like it is a communication problem for us. We have been talking about it all week, and we have a couple meeting planned for this month. and it now boils down to how those go on whether or not I want to do other things.

 

For her she just wants to try all kinds of new things, which I would be fine with if we can get the "US" part down better when fun time ends.

 

This sounds like it is your main issue, and the one you two should concentrate on right now.

Forget about the same room/separate room issue and all that stuff for right now. Work on the communication issue, and try to get on the same page. That other stuff will be easier to address once you two get through that part.

[junglecouple 127]

I understand and can easily empathize with your feelings. We are a NO DOORS ALLOWED couple. My only tolerance for doors is as a platform. Take if off the hinges, lay it on some sawhorses with some rope and candles, just great.. BUT to use it for it's intended purpose, ie: used to divide or close off and area to others, we don't go there. What's going on behind a closed door that is "just between them" isn't an option. Call it jealousy, insecurity, safety conscience, whatever. ... I just have never accepted different room play... and we've been at this for a far amount of years.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sounds like it may have been less that you felt ignored by your wife but as much (or more) that she was having a good time and you were kinda taking one for the team. So you were having a crappy time while watching her have a good time.

 

So, why'd you choose to take one for the team?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Wow, are you sure you're not me? I had exactly this same issue come up last time my wife went out to a club. We ended up on seperate beds, me with a woman I had no attraction to and her having a great time. Afterwards, I realized that a big part of my problem was that I am, in general, more interested in being "engaged" with what my wife is doing than in doing anything myself. The times we have hooked with up another couple, we've been in the same bed and I've felt "connected" with her even while I was with someone else. It was US swinging together. Being across the room, glancing over at her while also playing with a woman I had no attraction to made me feel seperated and alone. I figured that out while I was talking to my wife about out last unpleasant experience and we resolved to make sure we're always doing things together because being seperate doesn't work for me.

 

I suggest that you talk out your feelings with your wife and somewhere in that conversation you will find the truth. I think you're close to it when you say that you have a communication issue. Swinging is all about communication. You can't have a truely good swinging experience without good communication. You need to work out your communcation and talk to your wife before you go further.

[slevin 1,374]

Sounds like it may have been less that you felt ignored by your wife but as much (or more) that she was having a good time and you were kinda taking one for the team. So you were having a crappy time while watching her have a good time.

 

So, why'd you choose to take one for the team?

 

This!

 

If you were having a great time with a hot girl who totally did it for you......would this still have been an issue?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

If you were having a great time with a hot girl who totally did it for you......would this still have been an issue?

 

You know, I'm not the original poster but I've been in a similar situation... and this is a bullshit question. The guy has a problem, he's come to ask for advice, and it sounds to me like you're making it his fault.

 

It takes two to tango and in this case, we've got four people dancing. OK, so he took one for the team. Sure, in a perfect world, he probably should have said "hey, I'm not cool with this." But what about his wife, shouldn't she have communicated better with him and made sure he was ok with it. What about the other couple? It was probably obvious to the Mrs that he wasn't into it. Shouldn't she have said something? Shouldn't the Mr. have checked with his partner, and made sure they were ok. Sounds like a lot of communication failures here.

 

Good communication requires that everyone communicate. For what JandC78 has posted, it sounds like he doesn't feel he and his wife are communicating well... which means they aren't, because his feelings are valid (and should not be glibly dismissed). The real issue is that this couple needs to work out their communication. Good communication and honest understanding of how everyone feels is what helps to prevent situations like this.

[slevin 1,374]

You know, I'm not the original poster but I've been in a similar situation... and this is a bullshit question. The guy has a problem, he's come to ask for advice, and it sounds to me like you're making it his fault.

 

I understand how it can come across that way, but I think it's a valid question. Also, just because the situation might have been different doesn't mean it "was his fault". It might, however, help to understand the underlying reasons for why it came up. My intention wasn't to be glib; it was a genuine question.

[slevin 1,374]

It takes two to tango and in this case, we've got four people dancing. OK, so he took one for the team. Sure, in a perfect world, he probably should have said "hey, I'm not cool with this." But what about his wife, shouldn't she have communicated better with him and made sure he was ok with it.

 

Replying to this separately on purpose.

 

I personally think that we have to each take personal responsibility for communication. If he was feeling disconnected and uncomfortable, then it's up to him to make that clear to his wife. I don't think it's fair to get upset later that someone didn't notice you weren't having a good time. This is separate from whether she was actually ignoring him of course. From a purely communications perspective though there does seem to be some issues here that need to be brought up. To do that effectively they both need to be open and honest with each other. Not just about this issue, but as a whole.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I understand how it can come across that way, but I think it's a valid question. Also, just because the situation might have been different doesn't mean it "was his fault". It might, however, help to understand the underlying reasons for why it came up. My intention wasn't to be glib; it was a genuine question.

 

My apologies. I'm probably being oversensitive. Doubtless, still stinging a bit from my own situation.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I personally think that we have to each take personal responsibility for communication. If he was feeling disconnected and uncomfortable, then it's up to him to make that clear to his wife. I don't think it's fair to get upset later that someone didn't notice you weren't having a good time. This is separate from whether she was actually ignoring him of course. From a purely communications perspective though there does seem to be some issues here that need to be brought up. To do that effectively they both need to be open and honest with each other. Not just about this issue, but as a whole.

 

Oh, I concur wholeheartedly. However, from my own recent situation, I have been forcably reminded how easy it can be to feel sweep up with events, especially when two of the people are really hitting it off.

 

My wife and I have agreed, to prevent such things in future, that if we are considering playing with a couple we will excuse ourselves from them for a short time, take a deep breath and talk honestly about whether we want to go further. This little break, we hope, will prevent one or the other of us from feeling dragged along by the proverbial current (and hopefully give the other couple a chance to do likewise).

 

Also, to another of the original posters points, my wife and I have agreed to talk honestly about our experiences afterwards and reconnect mentally, physically and emotionally. In the end, I'm firmly of the belief that swinging is foreplay anyway. It's really a way to bring US together.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

One of the points from the original poster I noticed is that he feels he's not getting the re-connection intimacy after. I know where you are coming from!!

 

We've had this issue also. I want to be with my husband sexually after, but it's so late and he's exhausted so it doesn't happen that night, the next night the kids are up, the next night we both have headaches... This really sucks because the best part of swinging is the wave of increased closeness and sexiness between us before and after.

 

I have to accept that he physically can't keep going like I can. He is very good about getting me off if I haven't orgasmed during swinging. Or, I'll touch myself while he falls asleep next to me or we'll both masturbate next to each other and we both like that. Or, just fall asleep naked together. While I'd love to have full-blown crazy sex when we get home, these things work to make me feel connected. Maybe try talking to your wife about how you can get the intimacy you need after swinging, even though she/both of you are tired.

 

We've started to make it a priority to go to bed earlier on weeknights and I requested no tv in bed MWF. We also try to start playing earlier in the evening if possible, then we have time to get home and do our own thing before we pass out. It's also nice to sometimes just go to the club and play by ourselves as exhibitionists or play next to friends, but not swap at all. I feel a lot of intimacy when we do that.

 

I think this issue is more important than the question of taking one for the team or separate vs same room/bed.

 

Good luck, hope next time goes better!

[twistedpretzels 100]

good post. and good for me to think about. all this shit is natural to some people and others need practice (THAT WOULD BE ME). I tend to overthink things a lot and I can see where this could be a potential problem for me. Pete and I have not swung enough to get our ebb and flow all smoothie and loverly. lol.

 

let your wife read your post, dear, and let us know how it goes.

[JandC78 16]

Sorry it has taken so long for me to get back with you guys. been a busy weekend at home.

 

First I want to say, it was not a physical attraction issue with the other woman, she was very nice looking. I think it was more of a compatibility with play styles. I am very much into the making out parts of playing, I like a little above the waist action when I play. she just was not into that at all. she went straight for goods and kept going for the goods. That was really not doing it for me, I tried to change that, but it just seemed to fall on death ears. So I do not feel like I took one for the team on this one, I just think that I learned something about how I like to play, and dont like to play.

 

This was a long weekend of chatting between the wife and me, at the moment we are both a little frustrated with how things are going, mainly how difficult it has been lately to find a deceit couple to meet up with. we seem to be spending months chatting with a couple and then nothing comes of it, trying to figure our how we can change our methods to increase the odds that we are not wasting our time.

 

As for when we are with another, I think she now understands that if we do not have some way of physically touching each other during our play time a couple times during the night, then it is not going to happen. not sure if that came out right, but I think you understand what I mean.

 

We have really had a lot of fun in the last 2 years with some really nice people, we have also had a few very fustrating encounters as well, and we usually learn something from them. I think we are going to learn something from this one as well.

[slevin 1,374]

we seem to be spending months chatting with a couple and then nothing comes of it, trying to figure our how we can change our methods to increase the odds that we are not wasting our time.

 

That used to happen to us. I think that the longer an online thread goes on (email, IM, phonecalls, video) the less likely that sex will ever happen. Also unlikely that a meet will happen. We've started to move to a couple of emails to see if we're compatible in what we're looking for, then meet for drinks. Much easier to assess the spark in person and move on right away if things don't go anywhere.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

That used to happen to us. I think that the longer an online thread goes on (email, IM, phonecalls, video) the less likely that sex will ever happen. Also unlikely that a meet will happen. We've started to move to a couple of emails to see if we're compatible in what we're looking for, then meet for drinks. Much easier to assess the spark in person and move on right away if things don't go anywhere.

 

We have also had the same issue. We have started to just briefly chat or email exchange to set up a meeting for drinks or let them know when we'll be at the club. We like to meet for a drink on a wknt with no expectation of play. That's convenient for us to set up rather than waiting for a free weekend. It's also so nice to go out together for a couple hrs on a Weds or Thurs nt. I'm a stay at home mom so I really like to get out once in awhile on a wknt. Then if it goes well we know who to spend our next free Sat nt with.

 

It is frustrating! There are a lot of ups and downs with trying to meet compatible couples. Hope you are on an upswing soon!

[junglecouple 127]

You folks are on the right track.. at least the same track we're on.

I will only put up with 2-3 emails max.. it's not like we're gonna "get to know them" online. I want a face to face asap after the intro email.

I ALWAYS invite the prospective playmates to a nice local restaurant with a bar. My wife and I have a code. We sit in the bar area to meet them, and we always arrive first. When they arrive and sit down, if either myself or the wife orders "tea", it means "nope, ain't gonna happen". If the one that ordered "tea" changes their mind after talking with them a few minutes, the tea is left on the table, but a cocktail is ordered to replace it, and sometimes it the other way around. (ok, we met, we talked, and they convinced us that's as far as it's going).

It works perfectly for us. Sometimes we talk, finish our drinks and may offer to buy dinner, or invite them home or make a date for the near future.

Other times we just let them know "it was nice to meet you and perhaps we "may" get together in the future".

I don't have the time nor patience to weed through emails, looks for agendas, answer questions bla bla bla.

 

It should be easy to figure out if you and they are serious. I'm certainly not going to EVER agree to sex before face to face and email won't fill in the blanks.

For example (I know I'll catch hell for this) if the lady looks like Julia Roberts.. I'm outta here!! I already own a horse. Others would JUMP at the chance, but some wouldn't.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

That used to happen to us. I think that the longer an online thread goes on (email, IM, phonecalls, video) the less likely that sex will ever happen. Also unlikely that a meet will happen. We've started to move to a couple of emails to see if we're compatible in what we're looking for, then meet for drinks. Much easier to assess the spark in person and move on right away if things don't go anywhere.

 

I definitely think there is an inverse relationship between time spent online trying to get to know someone and the actual likelihood that you will ever meet them (let alone play with them).

 

We are with the others here, if we go the online route at all we try to set a meet within 2 weeks of first contact and do very little back and forth in between. However, we do most of our meets at socials and clubs, this increases our odds (we've found) of actually meeting compatible people. More couples in one place = better odds.

 

As for the situation of the woman you were with, at least you learned something