Critique our (wife and I) rationale for looking into swinging.

[Frzrbrn 15]

So couple "A" (my wife and I) is sexually adventurous (from my/our point of view). We've been trying to invent new games, and things to do and ways to do them as some things get stale. We go back to older/stale things and they are quasi-new again when to current arsenal is "blah."

 

We have kids and these stupid things called jobs that put a damper on timetables and locations. So we are pretty much limited to playing (as she calls it) in the evenings/nights and confined to our bedroom.

 

From lingerie, high heels (that smack of "You know what I'm doing when I wear these." if they were ever worn in public.) Various sexual devices (toys etc from mundane to almost extreme.) I've even put together plans for a machine (just need the Department of Wife to allocate financing to build it.) No holds barred, if she/we/I want to try something it is at least attempted --- "Wow, they did that so easily in the instructional video... Who the hell can contort in that position!?" or "You want to put that where?!"

 

We got into this discussion years ago during sex one night "Tell me your dirtiest fantasy." she comes back with something that was the epitome of NOT dirty and hardly a fantasy. So I retort "Yea, ok... I KNOW YOU... Don't forget I'm your husband and happen to know all the stuff you have done sexually in recent years, and you've told me about your youthful indiscretions. Reset, try again." She says "I want to have 5 guys all take turns and come all over and in me." Holy smokes, that's pretty dirty and fantastic.

 

Before a platoon of guys reply and say "I'm well versed in this craft, PM me and it can be arranged." We're not interested. The sheer amount of labor involved to even begin to explore making her fantasy a reality is so diametrically opposite of reality (STDs, too many rules, background checks, douche bag testing done by myself etc..) In fantasy land is where that one stays.

 

The point is, that revelation opened up a doorway to new stuff in the bedroom. We talked about all sorts of scenarios and what ifs. We thought about MFMs, MFFs and finally settled that the most "fair/logical" thing to do (IF WE WERE TO EVER DO IT) would be with a couple. That's not to say the other stuff is out of the question, but a "first experience" whenever that might happen (once again IF it happens) would be an ideal thing. Equal terms in the equation balance/null each other out.

 

Let's assume all the following is 100% ship shape and is air tight:

-Tremendous attention to detail as it relates to rules/boundaries between my wife and I [and the other couple] that are clearly understood and 100% agreed upon, fair and balanced. (whatever those are: No kissing, has to be in same room, must wear clown noses and big red shoes... all of that.)

 

- Whatever expectations exist are at least reasonable. Civility, good manners and if things do get really exotic that everyone consents and doesn't "go along to get along".

 

I think that finding a couple that is sexually compatible with my wife and I is going to be like finding a way to power cars with unicorn farts... (Really difficult to say the least.)

 

BUT... I imagine if we were to seriously start looking that would be an adventure in itself... Going to these places some of you have mentioned in other posts would be really "wow"... to participate even if our participation is just between the two of us (others might be watching ) and just see what happens.

 

Maybe my attempt to add a comedic element was off base, but that's me. Input welcome of course even if it is critical.

 

Regards.

[km34 672]

The only thing that stuck out to me was the whole focus on being "fair." What do you mean by that? Why is it only fair if you both get screw someone new? Wouldn't it be fair to both of you if you had a threesome that you both enjoyed immensely? You wouldn't have equal participation, perhaps, but if you both got giant waves of pleasure from it, I would call it fair.

 

Just curious on your rationale for that. I find people who expect to have the same level of enjoyment/participation in every single encounter tend to walk away disappointed way too often. My view is that if we all enjoy it and no one walks away feeling like they got ripped off, it's fair - even if one of you tends to be the focus of the direct physical pleasure (MFM with her the focus of the two men or FMF with you the focus of both women) the other gets tons of pleasure from giving you that experience and participating in something new and exciting.

 

Oh, and I think I would totally do it with a couple who had a rule that they both had to wear clown noses. Just to say I did it (assuming they were attractive in general).

[Frzrbrn 15]

Well...

 

To state it simply: Through our communication and preliminary rules / boundaries that we have set or are setting this is what we feel will work for us... a couple for our first adventure.

 

And I agree with you 100% about expectations: We have none. We'd like to have a great time and enjoy ourselves though :P

[cupl4fun 361]

Frzrbrn said:

I think that finding a couple that is sexually compatible with my wife and I is going to be like finding a way to power cars with unicorn farts... (Really difficult to say the least.)

 

It may not be as hard to find people you are sexually compatible with as you might think. Unless you have VERY strange desires, VERY rigid unusual rules, are just extremely picky about certain looks, or just live pretty far from a decent sized city, you will be surprised at how many swingers there are out there and how diverse a group of people they really are. When we started I would have never thought we would find as many play partners as we have (and most of them have actually been pretty enjoyable experiences).

 

I am curious as to what makes you think finding play partners will be so difficult?

 

You are correct though even looking and talking with people will add a new excitement to your sex life. My wife is Bi but due to her religious upbringing she denied that part of herself for many years. Once we decided to start swinging just the idea of possibly getting to play with a woman drove her wild (and I reaped the benefits...lol), and once we started chatting with our first couple with a bi female...OMG. She was like an animal. We did not end up playing for like six months after that, but our sex lives were unbelievable during that time. I imagine it might be very similar for the two of you.

 

Even if you guys decide that actually having sex with others is not for you, there are other aspects of the lifestyle which may still add that excitement to your sex lives without having to find those "unicorn farts". Many people go to onsite clubs and watch (like live, real porn) they get turned on by watching and then go home and fuck like bunnies. Others go to clubs and let other people watch them while they fuck (which you alluded to), and this kicks the excitement up a notch for them. Others simply soft swap (play around with another couple, but save actual intercourse for just their spouse/partner). These are just a few examples off the top of my head. If you let yourself think outside of the box there are lots of ways to turn up the heat in your sex lives without ever even needing any of those "unicorn farts". In the end though, you may decide to take that next step when/if you do find a couple which you are sexually compatible with, if so great, if not oh well you will have lots of hot sex along the way.

 

 

Never, ever apologize for humor. It is an absolute good.

[Frzrbrn 15]

Maybe I was being a bit dramatic.

 

We haven't compiled an official list of "must haves" involving another couple. I'm sure some of it should be implied, part of the work I do is process engineering so it's is in my blood to try and classify and define things as best as I can (even the undefinable has been classified as such :P)

 

• Drug free
• Disease free
• Appearance isn't everything (personality goes a long way too)
• Any perceived or real psychological imbalance is a deal breaker
• Out for a good time, yet patient and can empathize (for us newbies)
• Don't wanna "fuck" 13 seconds after meeting... I really dig the meet first somewhere socially and see if there is chemistry schedule something later (read that somewhere here)
• Sexually: no bodily waste, no (intentional) pain, no (intentional) humiliation or degrading activities. That's about it... if all parties are ok with most anything else then it's fair game (just about.)

[Lionheart72 2,191]

Well, firstly, trying to classify and define things as best you can is a good trait in this circumstance. The very first error in swinging many couples make (my wife and I included) is to fail to do that but it really is critical to understand clearly what you want and what your limits are.

 

Secondly, your list of expectations is basically the standard list I've seen from almost every new couple who puts together a list. Seriously, you've just defined yourself as a new swinging couple looking for what almost all new swinging couples are looking for.

 

So, I'd say you're off to a good start. The next question for you is are you going to look online or hit a local swingers club. We're a club couple and we've never successfully hooked up online. Other folks swear by finding people online and never go to clubs. It all depends on what you're comfortable with and what works for you.

 

Finally, hooking up with a couple can be fun, but MMF, MFF and even MMM+F can be lots of fun too. Our experience was that couples swaps aren't really what we're into... and I love watching a bunch of guys taking turns with my wife. I'm just saying, while you should go with what feels comfortable, don't rule things out completely because it could be a lot of fun.

[cupl4fun 361]

Lionheart is absolutely correct. Your list is basically every newbie couple (in fact most of it is still our list today). I don't think it will be nearly as hard as you think. In all honesty it only turns out that about 10% or so of the people we meet will ever make it past polite conversations, but we still play plenty. I, don't think (if you end up wanting to play) you will have nearly as hard of a time as you think.

[km34 672]

I agree that your list is pretty standard. Two thoughts based on it, though:

 

Talking about being disease free and being disease free are two vastly different things. How are you going to ask partners to prove their cleanliness? What about things that aren't normally tested for or that there is no reliable test for unless the virus is active (I'm thinking HPV and herpes viruses here)? I know a lot of new people in particular are super paranoid about STIs, so I just want to remind you that there is NO test for HPV in men and both HPV and HSV can be spread even when there's no physical signs. There are a few threads on these particular viruses, and I personally don't think the risk of either is a reason not to swing (both are fairly easy to control, but you do have them forever).

 

AND

 

What do you consider intentional pain? You may want to include more specifics - Are you okay with biting or not (or does it depend on the location)? I've known guys who will smack a woman's ass 9 times out of 10 if he is doing her doggy style, is that okay (sometimes it could hurt, sometimes it wouldn't, but would it be seen as intentional pain if it does)?

 

And a third thing just for my own personal curiosity... Where do you think you'll want to meet couples? I've always been a fan of coffee shops, casual dining places,a low-key bar (as long as I know it'll be quiet enough to talk, I'm good), or a park. Others swear by avoiding food places. Have you two thought about where you would be comfortable meeting?

[lustylearning 705]

Frzrbrn said:

Maybe I was being a bit dramatic.

 

Hehehe. Perhaps. But I did enjoy the "finding a way to power cars with unicorn farts." I'd want to meet you just because you're creative and you write well:)

[Frzrbrn 15]

Lionheart72 said:

Well, firstly, trying to classify and define things as best you can is a good trait in this circumstance. The very first error in swinging many couples make (my wife and I included) is to fail to do that but it really is critical to understand clearly what you want and what your limits are.

 

Understood. I think limits will evolve/contract/expand as experiences is gathered. "I was ok with ___ but now it makes me uncomfortable. That thing I said I'd never do, I'd like to try it now."

 

Lionheart72 said:

Secondly, your list of expectations is basically the standard list I've seen from almost every new couple who puts together a list. Seriously, you've just defined yourself as a new swinging couple looking for what almost all new swinging couples are looking for.

Well DAMNIT!!! I was hoping to come in here and be a pioneer! I will settle for being like everyone else... THIS TIME.

 

Lionheart72 said:

So, I'd say you're off to a good start. The next question for you is are you going to look online or hit a local swingers club. We're a club couple and we've never successfully hooked up online. Other folks swear by finding people online and never go to clubs. It all depends on what you're comfortable with and what works for you.

Well from what I have read so far from various places:

 

AFF is for bottom feeders that only like to like to lick the inside of the fish tank.

SLS has an ok reputation.

Craigslist is where you go if you want pic hunter to post your goods on stickitinmeandbreakitoff.com

Clubs come in many flavors and depending on the location may offer 1000 levels of participation (prizes not redeemable for cash, no purchase necessary, void where prohibited.)

 

I was actually hoping for something like Dominos. Order on-line and delivery in 30 minutes or less. "One Male, thin crust, average "manhood", hold the back hair. One Female, pan crust, the works with extra sauce please."

 

I'm thinking a combination of online and real legwork (going places, meeting people) If there isn't any chemistry it won't matter where a couple is found, right?

 

Lionheart72 said:

Finally, hooking up with a couple can be fun, but MMF, MFF and even MMM+F can be lots of fun too. Our experience was that couples swaps aren't really what we're into... and I love watching a bunch of guys taking turns with my wife. I'm just saying, while you should go with what feels comfortable, don't rule things out completely because it could be a lot of fun.

 

I don't think any of that is expressly been forbidden, but you have to start somewhere and adapt over time so that comfort level gauge stays in the green.

[Frzrbrn 15]

Talking about being disease free and being disease free are two vastly different things. How are you going to ask partners to prove their cleanliness? What about things that aren't normally tested for or that there is no reliable test for unless the virus is active (I'm thinking HPV and herpes viruses here)? I know a lot of new people in particular are super paranoid about STIs, so I just want to remind you that there is NO test for HPV in men and both HPV and HSV can be spread even when there's no physical signs. There are a few threads on these particular viruses, and I personally don't think the risk of either is a reason not to swing (both are fairly easy to control, but you do have them forever).

 

Fair enough. Things to consider. I don't have this master plan on this one yet.

 

What do you consider intentional pain? You may want to include more specifics - Are you okay with biting or not (or does it depend on the location)? I've known guys who will smack a woman's ass 9 times out of 10 if he is doing her doggy style, is that okay (sometimes it could hurt, sometimes it wouldn't, but would it be seen as intentional pain if it does)?

I mean real pain... "Holy shit, that frickin' hurt... what were you thinking." Deriving pleasure from someone else's suffering type pain, not messing around "hurts so good" type pain. But that is relative.

 

In the case of my wife, I'm pretty sure a few smacks on the ass would be tolerated, but if it got to be too much she'd say something, or get revenge... she'd prolly' want to do the same to him.

 

Biting, not my thing but I guess it just depends. I'm open to new things, but I don't want to be bruised afterwards. I'm pretty certain my wife doesn't either.

 

And a third thing just for my own personal curiosity... Where do you think you'll want to meet couples? I've always been a fan of coffee shops, casual dining places,a low-key bar (as long as I know it'll be quiet enough to talk, I'm good), or a park. Others swear by avoiding food places. Have you two thought about where you would be comfortable meeting?

 

Anywhere. the coffee shops and casual dining places seems safe enough. Bar? sure why not.

[Frzrbrn 15]

Hehehe. Perhaps. But I did enjoy the "finding a way to power cars with unicorn farts." I'd want to meet you just because you're creative and you write well:)

 

Check... Write comedic dissertations and anecdotes to win the favor of the locals...

[km34 672]

I was actually hoping for something like Dominos. Order on-line and delivery in 30 minutes or less. "One Male, thin crust, average "manhood", hold the back hair. One Female, pan crust, the works with extra sauce please."

 

If you find this, you will share it, right?! lol

[Frzrbrn 15]

Gonna invent it gosh darn it... I will call it "Pendulum Pleasure-tainment On Demand LLC"

 

Maybe even get Sally Struthers to do the commercial:

 

"Would you like to get laid more often? Of course... we all do."

"At P-POD we help people connect with other compatible people as if they were 'peas in a pod'. Our clients are also our product. They come in many different styles, shapes, sizes and colors (especially your wife's favorite.)"

"We also offer classes and workshops like:"

- Rule breakage reconciling

- Jealousy mitigation techniques

- Language enrichment, focusing on the word "NO" in all spoken and sign languages (subscript mice-type: Braille cards offered for a nominal fee.)

- Lifestyle Transactional Analysis (See if anyone gets this)

- Single Men Profile Writing Tactics

- Unicorn Hunting

- Cheater Detection Methodology

- or participate in our correspondence degree program for Lifestyle Message Board Administration.

[Frzrbrn 15]

I totally derailed my own thread...

[M1F2KTJ 473]

You sound like someone that might be hard to please. You pointed out that you were being "comedic" and I didn't get that until the end of your post when I read it. You are looking for a critique so here is mine ... I get the impression that you are very nervous about doing "it". I'm lucky I think in that our first experience was awesome and exceeded all of my expectations but from reading the posts here it is not that way for everybody. You should expect that your experience might not go as you have seen in your fantasies. I wish you luck. When everything goes right it is truly a most memorable lifetime experience

[cupl4fun 361]

Quote

"I totally derailed my own thread..."

 

The power of humor, comes with great responsibility

[Frzrbrn 15]

You sound like someone that might be hard to please. You pointed out that you were being "comedic" and I didn't get that until the end of your post when I read it. You are looking for a critique so here is mine ... I get the impression that you are very nervous about doing "it". I'm lucky I think in that our first experience was awesome and exceeded all of my expectations but from reading the posts here it is not that way for everybody. You should expect that your experience might not go as you have seen in your fantasies. I wish you luck. When everything goes right it is truly a most memorable lifetime experience

 

We haven't gotten far enough along to be nervous about anything.

 

But I imagine some type of anxiety exist for everybody. I do imagine butterflies or being nervous as just part of the whole experience. I'd even go out on a limb and say "seasoned veterans" still experience some type of anxiety.

[cupl4fun 361]

We haven't gotten far enough along to be nervous about anything.

 

But I imagine some type of anxiety exist for everybody. I do imagine butterflies or being nervous as just part of the whole experience. I'd even go out on a limb and say "seasoned veterans" still experience some type of anxiety.

 

We were so nervous that we were basically numb the entire time during our first play time. It was like excitement/sensory overload through the whole time we played. We had amazingly hot sex after though, kinda like a delayed reaction. It was exciting enough to think about our playtime afterwards that we still wanted to try again. Each time got better after that (except for a few mismatches). But, we both still get butterflies every time we go out. Nervous (especially the first time) is par for the course at least in our experience.

[Jim_N_Tink 65]

Wowzers.

Looks like ya hit a nerve, bud.

 

I think that you're on the right track. When Tink and I met our first couple (it's been almost 8 months now, and they've become dear friends, believe it or not- yeah, big surprise) we were so nervous; and we had a lot of discussion about situations and how we would deal with them.

 

For example: "Would you kiss him?" How would you feel if I kissed her?" How would you feel if during our first meet (at a local pool hall/dance hall ) if I or you slow danced with one of them?

 

So yeah, I think that talking about it is a good thing.

 

Now, here's something- I only glanced at all the posts on this thread, and I didn't see anything about the idea of you guys going to a club together, just to sort of stick your toes in, see what's happening, and then either getting down w/ each other or going home and having wild monkey sex.

 

Going to a club doesn't mean that you have to do anything with other people- you're on a recon mission sort of. That's how Tink & I tried the lifestyle for the first time. We didn't do anything w/ any-body's body other than each other.

 

But it was HOT!

 

Maybe that would be a good way to start.

 

Otherwise you're doing good- and yeah, you do write funny!